Cell phone abuse

Parent Cafe Parent Cafe
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<p>My daughter is studying abroad abroad. 2 months ago, she racked up an obscene cell phone bill mostly calling and text messaging her boyfriend. She would also make calls whose duration was well over an hour to him and other friends. She was warned that our family can't afford bills like this, and that we would discontinue her service if she didn't modify her behavior.</p>

<p>Last week, we got the cell phone bill for the past month. It was double the previous bill. So we discontinued the cell phone service.</p>

<p>I did an analysis of the bill, and it was very disturbing and hurtful. The thing that hurt me the most that she barely called home. I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to acknowlege publicly what the total bill was. But the total bill for the calls to us, her family, came to about $15.00 over two months.</p>

<p>There were other numbers in the analysis (I made a beautiful spreadsheet). I sent my daughter an email with the spreadsheet. I also wrote in the email that I was putting her on a budget.</p>

<p>After I'd sent the email, I managed to talk to her about it. She head been spending a few days at a friend of mine, so I called my friend's land phone and talked to her there. </p>

<p>I told my daughter she would not be without cell phone service, and I am in process of securing her an international phone to be used with a prepaid SIM card. That way, both she and our family will have better control of what she spends on cell phone costs.</p>

<p>In the meantime, I told her to get a prepaid calling card, and call home three times a week. I just like being in touch with her. She's my daughter, and I miss her. </p>

<p>I also limited the amount of cash that she has available to her, and lowered the credit limit on her credit card. She never abused either cash or credit, but I am concerned that without a cell phone, she is going to use her credit card to spend outrageous sums of money on prepaid calling cards, and that is unacceptable to me.</p>

<p>Yesterday, she wrote me this very nasty email how she does not want to call home because I constantly harp about this. Her contention is that I discussed my spreadsheet with her, so why did I also send her an email?</p>

<p>My position is 1) I discussed the bill with her after I sent the email and 2) The bill was so obscene and I'm so hurt that I'm allowed to rant and rave if I so desired.</p>

<p>She says that all of her friends are noticing how "tense" and "upset" she is because she has such a witch for a mother. She is seeing a psychologist in the country where she is visiting, and she pretty much told him the same thing (I called him yesterday and he agrees with me that her behavior is totally out of line, and he intends to discuss it with her).</p>

<p>I am very hurt about the way she is treating our family. She knows that we can't afford bills like this. I understand her need to make calls, but she has to understand that she needs to limit it, out of financial necessity. </p>

<p>But what really hurts me is that she fully expects us to pay these outrageous charges, even though none of the calls are to us. </p>

<p>All I asked from her is that she called home 3 times a week. I had told her that a call home would not count in her phone budget. That if she calls home, I'd call her right back, so that she wouldn't need to pay for the call. Still, she refuses to call home. She actually wrote in the email that she does not want to waste any part of the her budget on calling home, because she is afraid we'll bring up the cell phone bill again. I wrote her back that we'd already discussed that I'd call her back, so she needed worry that a penny of her budget would be wasted on the people that are actually paying the bill.</p>

<p>So the question is 1) She is reneging on her part of the bargain. Do I need to keep my part of the bargain and send her another cell phone?
2) I also told her she could say overseas over the summer. She is really benefitting in most ways being overseas, except for this. However, its a gift. Should I reward someone who is hurting me so much?</p>

<p>Do you always love your children? At what point do you say that I can't take the hurt any more? At what point do you say that I refused to be treated like this?</p>

<p>My daughter is in her gap year, and she plans on attending a top 15 university next year. She is smart enough to know that what she did is wrong.</p>

<p>Anyway, I'm very hurt. I know there are no easy solutions to this. I just wish my daughter didn't hate me so. And I wish I knew whether or not to treat her with justice, and make her adhere to the budget, and come home for the summer and work to pay for the bill, or to treat her with mercy, and just make her stick to a weekly budget, and let her stay overseas for the summer.</p>

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<p>Sorry to say this, but you sound just like a good friend who has been letting her daughter walk all over her. </p>

<p>Of course you keep loving her, but the time to stop the hurt (and spoiling) is now.</p>

<p>Your daughter doesn't seem to understand that being abroad, given a phone and spending money is a huge privelege. Especially in a family that doesn't have unlimited funds. If she does not appreciate her opportunities, there are many others like working at McDonalds or somewhere equally fun as she'll need spending money for college since you will be no longer be giving her things she does not appreciate.</p>

<p>I personally have a hard time understanding why so many parents have a hard time saying no. Perhaps it's because I had good role models, my parents had no problem with the concept either. Also, I've known enough kids by now to understand that not setting strict limits is doing them a diservice.</p>

<p>I would tell your daughter that she will be calling three times each week because you are responsible for her and she has no choice in the matter. I would tell her that any "extras" during college will depend on how she handles the situation now. And I would mean it.</p>

3

<p>Your expectations about how often your D should contact home are unrealistic. Some of my friends have kids who call home every night. My D isn't one of them and it looks like your D isn't one of them either. If we catch her on AIM, we can hear "in real time" what's going on in her life. Otherwise, we'll call every couple of weeks. </p>

<p>A call home 3 times a week for someone who wouldn't otherwise call that often is a burden. Once a week is more reasonable (and you'll be lucky if you get it). Consider other ways to communicate that aren't as expensive as a telephone--like having her write an email with her doings weekly. Her emails can be used as kind of a diary or journal for her that she can compile later. </p>

<p>Cell phones can be a gigantic black hole of expense--she abused your trust on this one with those long calls to her boyfriend/friends. Pay the bill and use prepaid minutes to control expenses in the future.</p>

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<p>I read your post quickly so if I misinterpret something, forgive me.</p>

<p>From a students point of view, I think that a cell phone is a privilege and if she is not following your wishes(ie calling you) you don't have to continue her service. However, if you want it for safety(which is understandable) make it clear that if she does not follow your usage requirements other aspects of her various allowences will be adjusted. I have a friend who sounds very much like your daughter. She's traveled a ton with her parents money but yet she follows none of their rules. They complain about her actions yet they continue to foot the bill... it has now gone outside of just her traveling to her work ethic and social life. She knows that she can do whatever she wants and her parents will begrudgingly still support her... a really tragic situation for both parent and student. </p>

<p>Regardless, as a student I wouldn't expect my parents to support me if I wasn't following their wishes. You can still love your daughter and withhold your resources. Her traveling is a gift and if she isn't following your guidelines I would think that she should feel some strain. </p>

<p>Good luck with your situation.</p>

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<p>What bargain? Is there anything at all flowing from her to you?</p>

<p>I really cannot understand why you would have a problem discontinuing anything given these circumstances. If this is a gap year, then presumably she is over 18 and should be responsible for her own life. I assume you are paying her expenses? She is abusing you and your love and your resources. You are enabling her to do so. </p>

<p>We really do teach people how to treat us. I am sorry if that feels harsh to you, but it's a simple truth that seems to apply here. She needs to learn--and fast--that she cannot trample the feelings of others, especially those who love her. If not for yourself, do it for others she will hurt in the future.</p>

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<p>Just my two cents here - I think that you are mostly angry because you feel that she hasn't been talking to you but everyone else. This comes with having children. We spend all our time making sure that their needs are met and not our own. Now they are getting older & want to spread their wings and we are left at the sidelines. It is hard for us, but we have to start spreading our own now too (there have got to be books written on the subject - maybe someone can list some?)</p>

<p>As far as her calling three times a week, I think that you are asking for just a little too much. Once a week would be more than acceptable though. However, if she is with responsible people (or an organization) then I'm not even sure she needs to call that often. When my son was in France I did not expect him to call at all. Not only because of the expense, but I knew that if he needed to get in touch with me he would. If he had been there over summer I would have liked to received a few postcards though.</p>

<p>I also think that if the cell phone bill is very expensive then you do have the right to have her come home. Why should she be able to stay when the money you have for the rest of the budget would cover the bill? You are giving her a gift, but she is abusing it. Showing mercy doesn't mean that you have to let her walk all over you or get away w/o paying the phone charges that were over the dollar amount you budgeted. </p>

<p>If you decide to let her stay - instead of making sure she sticks to her weekly budget, I think you should say to her, "You have X amount of money, if you stick to the budget then you will be able to remain overseas for the rest of the summer. If you don't stick to the budget then once you are out of money you will have to come home." After all, once she starts college & gets into the real world she will have to live on a budget, you can't follow her around for the rest of her life. This will allow her to hopefully learn something. You are putting the responsibility on her. She can be proud that she was able to stay on a budget & remain there all summer OR she can go through the money in 2 weeks and come home. Either way you gave her an X amount of dollars, it really should be her choice how she spends it. No? </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>But the big problem that I see is one that I have faced over the past year as my D has gone off for her first year of college. She (and all of her activities) were a big part of our family life--she and I would often go out shopping or out to lunch, we'd attend her concerts and tournaments, we lived through the college application season, we stood proudly as she won awards. She asked our advice, we were part a big part of her life and she was a big part of ours. </p>

<p>Now that she is off to college, she is having a great time living this fun life, but we are left behind with this gaping hole in our lives. We aren't involved in helping her choose what classes to take, we aren't involved with her concerts, she doesn't keep us involved. I miss her, it hurts, it's no fun, but it is part of growing up--both for her AND for me, as her mother.</p>

<p>It's part of separating. . .she's trying to separate, you are holding on tight. The spreadsheet of how she spends her time/who she loves (as determined by the phone calls) was a big tell, in my opinion. </p>

<p>Fact is, college age kids are often not thoughtful--they are off having fun and sometimes don't think about those parents who are left behind. I'm reminded how I didn't call home regularly after I graduated from college and left home. Not because I don't love my parents, but because I got busy with my own life. I feel bad about this now, but didn't realize then that I was hurting them.</p>

<p>You'll have to come to terms with her leaving the nest. Now's a good time to start. Just because they don't keep you actively engaged in their lives doesn't mean they don't love you. Trying to force them to keep you involved can have the opposite effect of having them turn you away (which sounds like what is happening with your D).</p>

<p>What I've done--I send her little snippets in the mail 2-4 times a week--a short article about something or someone from the town that she knows, a funny cartoon I saw in the paper, some cute stickers, a pair of socks--basically things that keep me in touch with her but don't require an answer from her. Every now and then, we'll call (unless she happens to call us). It keeps ME involved. And I'm getting more involved in other things in my own life.</p>

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<p>You sound like a good mother whose daughter is going through one of those times. If you haven't had this problem before, you are lucky. And it is perfectly normal that she blames you for the whole thing. My kids abused their cell phones terribly. They never had them on at times when it made sense for them to do so; consequently we would not be able to reach them which was a major reason for the investment. They lost the phones, broke the phones so many times that they are no longer eligible for insurance. They forget the phones when they are most needed. I can make a list as long as my arm on all of the abuses. My freshman in highschool got a phone for his birthday and never answered my calls or addressed anything asked in the messages. He didn't even know how to retrieve his messages; he was so lazy that he would never listen to them; just see who called on the log and return calls to those he felt like speaking to. We did not make that list. When I asked why he thought we gave him the cell phone, his response was that it was so he could make calls easily because it was a pain locating available phones or borrowing others'. We have had to pound into his head that his availability to us was a big reason, and if that did not pan out, it may just not be worth the money to us. </p>

<p>That said, you might want to ease up as Ellemenope suggests, on the calls home. Better she starts feeling like calling you. Yes, I know it is rude and inconsiderate of her, but some kids are just not going to want to call home and at her age, some discretion in that area can be given. As for the abuse in phone bill usage that resulted in those huge bills, you have said your piece and dealt out the consequences. Just move on from there. If you want to monetarily reward her for pleasant calls home, you may want to do that without saying anything. I have a friend who prefaces every call to her recalcitrant son with something for him so that he begrudgingly listens without being rude. She makes no threats or bribes but just manipulates carefully. Yes, he is a brat, and it is a shame to have to operate that way, but sometimes you take what you can get. I have resorted to such tactics as well at times. I hold the line on what is really important, and limits on spending is something that can sink a person if they don't get control of that, so giving your D carte blanche on that end is doing her no favor. But gently shaping her actions with a few extra dollars as sweetners is not that terrible, in my book. </p>

<p>My kids were all great about money in colleges, in general, but would have specific small areas that needed work or would be an issue later on, and I would pinpoint and work on these things. Sometimes it worked. My son still does not call me when he leaves us and goes home or away, to tell us he got there safely. Rude, I know. And I have worked on that for the longest time; he is 23 and independent, working a job that supports him. I don't dwell on much with him but I do say my piece when he acts inappropriately even now. I would not let her stories about her trials and tribulations caused by your inflexibility move you. It seems that you know what is right and where the family spending limits are, and I would hold fast to them, but not continue to argue about that. You have given her adequate notice about it. Now she needs to figure some things out herself.</p>

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<p>mominsearch.</p>

<p>And mominsearch, it not that I disagree with you that your child didn't have to call home so often. That works for you. But my expectations are that she call home 3X a week. I want to hear from her. </p>

<p>I would call her back. The cost for her to make a phone call to America is $.17 a minute (which adds up) . But we have an IP phone, so the cost is for us to call her back is negligible.</p>

<p>And yes, I agree with you all, I am a doormat.</p>

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<p>Not a doormat, Mommy_Dearest. Just your rules and they seem to work. It's just that when the rules are not working, sometimes we can sift through them and prioritize as to what can "give" and what is important. Not tracking expenses on cell phones and running up a huge bill can lead to other problems later in life regarding expenses . How many times a kid should call home is really a variable thing, and not necessarily going to adversely affect a person. Each person has a threshhold of contact with others and it can vary without dire consequences.</p>

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<p>Mommy_Dearest,
Wow, what a huge dilemma. I had a similar problem with my son during the past few months, although probably not as extreme as yours. He has been calling and text messaging his semi-local girlfriend WAY too much. It is a toll fee on the land line as well as the cell phone. On top of that, he personally used more cellular minutes that our entire family of four is allowed, and it was 35 cents per minute after that. ARGH! His personal contribution to our monthly phone bill was about $350!</p>

<p>After this happened one month, we acknowledged that perhaps he was unaware that the calls weren't included in our basic plan. Okay, we forgave once. Then it happened again. Well, he is paying for all of his calls, and my husband recommended that he purchase a phone card for himself. I recommended email, IM or (gasp!)...an occasional letter! Imagine, he suggested that we change our phone plans to accommodate calls to this girlfriend...HA!</p>

<p>Personally, I wouldn't give another unlimited cell phone to my son in the same situation. I might give him one of those prepaid cell phones (Trac-Phone) to use in case of emergency. I might also offer to pay the phone bill with the money alotted for the European summer stay. A near-adult who travels alone can certainly understand a budget.</p>

<p>It's a tough call, and I can't really judge since I don't know the dynamics of your relationship. In our family, I don't think the kids would respect us if we didn't respect ourselves and let them walk all over us. Usually, their "hate" is pretty short-lived. It may also help to have a heart-to-heart talk about how you are hurting and why. Although 18 year olds are struggling to become independent adults, they really still love you and sometimes need to be reminded that you are a person with real feelings, too. OTOH, I think it may be helpful to have a few "purely positive" converstions and not harp on the phone bill every time you talk. It has worked for us. Good luck!</p>

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<p>No, mominsearch, she has not called home 3X a week. And she knows how upset I am about it. </p>

<p>I love her. I just want to hear her voice, and be part of her life. Is that asking too much from our children? Especially when we give and give and give. Don't they owe us something?</p>

<p>Her attitude really upsets me. When she said that she didn't want to waste a call out of her budget on us, we who are paying the bills ... you can't imagine how a statement like that upsets and angers me.</p>

<p>I'm going to ask it again ... do you all always love your children? Or should I say do you all always like your children?</p>

<p>I think the life lesson would be if I made her come home for the summer and pay us back. But I don't want her to hate me, and also, I feel that being abroad is good for her. You could say that she has the option of having two equally good experiences over the summer. Just one she is going to hate, and the other she is going to love. Which is the better lesson?</p>

<p>Its complicated. I posted this thread not because I expected answers, but because I'm so hurt that my daughter can be so inconsiderate.</p>

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<p>I guess I would be considered the "real" Mommy Dearest. When I read the original post I was in "mouth dropped. stuck that way position". As I am sure most posters know I have 5 kiddos, 4 teens +1 21 DD. As a family on a limited budget, like the OP's, having a cell phone is a privilege. Kiddo's don't have one, I don't have one. So we make do, pre-paid phone cards. So the fact that OP's DD has one, went way over first month was warned and did it AGAIN, WOW.</p>

<p>Easy answer, no phone.<br>
Next question, how old is DD and who is paying for the gap year overseas? </p>

<p>Of course, remember my kids are expected to pay their way through college and were brought up with this knowledge since they were little, so they planned their futures accordingly. If they wanted a gap year, then they would be paying. And if they were paying they should be callng me MORE than if I were paying since we as a family would be on an even more limited budget.</p>

<p>I agree, with the above posters who said if she doesn't want to call, then don't make her call. But my reasons would be different. I would not want to talk to anyone who doesn't want to talk to me, ESPECIALLY if the person was my child. I'm "THE MOM", they better want to talk to me!!!</p>

<p>Using the same logic, if I wanted to pay for my child's gap year I would regardless of whether they like me or not. Again, it would be my choice with no chains attached. But if I don't want to pay, then I wouldn't and they still better call me!!</p>

<p>I have made it very clear, and would stand by this, that I will not be used as a meal ticket. I love my children dearly and they know this, but above all else I will be respected. They don't have to like me, heck they don't have to love me, but they will respect me.</p>

<p>And again, with all my previous suggestions, this worked for our family. I thought it would be hard with the boys, but they tend to be the most chatty. Call 2 to 3 times a day. If they were only calling me because it was a "rule", I just would not want to talk to them. That is not the type of man or woman I wanted to raise.</p>

<p>Good luck, Mommy Dearest...</p>

<p>from the "real" Wicked Witch!!!</p>

<p>Kat</p>

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<p>I think that among my friends, the parents who have the most out of control kids have also given them way too much money. They want for nothing, work for nothing, and over-spend like crazy. Turn off the money spigot. Time to grow up. She'll call you when she's over it - which I predict will be soon.</p>

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<p>Mommy_Dearest, the labor pains don't necessarily end when the baby is born. The big babies can cause the worst pains much later in life. And right now when I am thinking the high road, I think of Katherine Hepburn in "The Lion in Winter" , playing Eleanore of Aquitaine, telling her estranged husband how she does not think she likes any of their children very much. My kids have given me much joy, but they have truly broken my heart many times. I wish the cell phone issues were the worst problems I have had with them. The thoughtlessness, no, the sheer stupidity some of them have demonstrated is maddening. And their response to their stupidity is stupider yet. So you are not alone in suffering these late labor/growing pains with your D. It does not make her a bad daughter, nor you a bad mother. You handled the situation very well, in my opinion. Now it's time to move on.</p>

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<p>Mommy, I think you need to separate your feelings of hurt (quite legitimate) from your need to hold firm on the budget. The hurt feelings can be dealt with down the road if need be; a kid who doesn't respect the family's limitations gets to choose between staying in Europe on her own dime or coming home and getting a job.</p>

<p>In my experience, it might help if you make a distinction between what you want (her to call, her to be thoughtful, her to want to share her life) and what is required (checking in once a week so you know she's safe, respecting the budget so the rest of the family doesn't have to eat ramen noodles all year to finance her conversations with the BF.) Even the most self-absorbed teenager usually "gets" that message and won't violate the required limits again.</p>

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<p>katwkittens:</p>

<p>We wanted her to have a year abroad. Its a great learning experience. And as I've mentioned, she is benefitting greatly from the year.</p>

<p>We are paying for it, because we want her to have it. I would not take it away from her. The issue is the summer ... we agreed to let her stay for the summer, before all this happened with the cell phone and her subsequent hurtful and inconsiderate behavior.</p>

<p>And I must acknowlege that yes, I am hurt that she doesn't want to call home. </p>

<p>You know, when I discussed a budget with her, during the call that I made to her while she was at my friends house, she started to cry. She told me she had plans for this coming weekened (its her birthday), and couldn't stick to the budget.</p>

<p>Justice: Its too bad, you need to stick to a budget
Mercy: OK, its your birthday, we'll be lenient this one time.</p>

<p>I took the road of mercy, as I always do. And in spite of that, she wrote me the nasty email how she doesn't want to waste part of her budget on a call to me.</p>

<p>How much can I give before I start bleeding? Both financially, and emotionally? I'm really focusing right now on emotionally, since I think she does understand that she needs to modify her behavior financially.</p>

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<p>I guess the life lesson here would have been to establish the rules & regulations BEFORE she left, along with the consequences. You have changed the rules because she made bad choices about phoning people. I still stand on everything I said before. </p>

<p>About the budgeting - Part of a budget is to allow for some exceptions. If she spends X amount of this then she will need to learn what she can give up next week. Allowing her to spend more money this week w/o taking away for something next week (or several weeks) is not right. If you did not advise her that she will need to do w/o something to make up for what she spent extra this weekend then that is why you feel like a doormat.</p>

<p>I still don't understand why you don't just tell her that she has a certain amount of money & how she spends it determines how long she stays. You will NO longer be the bad guy she will only have herself to thank or be mad at. </p>

<p>Is it wrong for you to want to be a part of her life? No, but she has to let go of you so she can become an adult. It does not mean that she doesn't love you (although it may seem like it at the moment). Did you call your mother that often when you were a teenager/in college? I bet not. Stop focusing on who else she called and how many minutes she spent talking to them it is only making you sadder. Look at how many times she called you willingly & be glad for those times. I think you need some perspective here. If you expect her to be in your life with strings attached then you are going to have a very sad relationship. I have always felt that my parent's love has strings attached & it stinks. </p>

<p>You have to keep in mind that she is probably very busy. Let her enjoy this experience!</p>

19

<p>Mommy Dearest:</p>

<p>You asked about love, whether we love our children all the time and the converse, do they love us all the time?</p>

<p>Love isn't a word, or just an emotion, it is an action. Love is something we do everyday, it is manifested in our decisions regarding our children. It isn't a decision characterized by justice vs. mercy. It is showing through example, decisions and actions molded by thoughtfulness, kindness, accountablilty, respect and responsibility. Your daughter was rude, thoughtless, unkind, hurtful and disrespectful. And in turn your response to appease your need of placating your daughter was to demand her to call you, and allow her to exceed her budget this weekend and to contemplate her continued stay overseas (this summer) at your expense despite her unloving behavior. </p>

<p>Again by showing through example she is not being able to pattern strong and respectful decisions.</p>

<p>So to answer your question, yes I love my children all the time. It is up to them if they wish to love me back, but they will respect me and they will make decisions and actions based on respect.</p>

<p>I hope it gets better.</p>

<p>Kat</p>

20

<p>"Especially when we give and give and give. Don't they owe us something?"</p>

<p>Nobody owes anybody anything, when it comes to interpersonal relationships. If you demand her to call you 3 times a week, she may do it, but at such a cost to her feelings for you, that it truly wouldn't be worth hearing her voice. Why don't you offer to call her 3 times a week?</p>