<p>I think they owe. But collecting is a whole different story. Not easy to do. Sometimes impossible. I tend to write off the mistake after giving my opinion of it and withdrawing the privilige if the kid just can't handle it responsibly and then just go along as usual without harping on that particular issue.</p>
<p>I really have to disagree with you that asking a child abroad to check in 3X week, most probably on her own extensively for the first time, is asking too much. Mom is not asking for long letters or details of every day, just a 1 minute call to say she's fine. Her parent's have given her a big gift in this year abroad if if that's what it takes to make them comfortable, it's the least she can do.</p>
<p>I have to say, IMO, the problem is clear and easy to fix. This is a child that knows you will bend when pushed. Why should she stop? This week was her birthday, next week she'll tell you everyone else is getting to go to.........and on and on. When you set firm rules and stop bending, this behavior will stop. </p>
<p>She may be mad and resentful for a bit, but that won't last long. Your alternative is to have a child who feels entitled, and that will not help her do well in life.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>I called her. Now she doesn't have a phone, so I can't call her.</p>
<p>Everyone is right, demanding her to call doesn't make her want to call. I just wish that she would want to call. </p>
<p>She did acknowledge that she was wrong to run up such a high phone bill. I was over that. But I also really think that she needs to acknowlege that her behavior of the recent past is selfish and inconsiderate. </p>
<p>I think I'm going to follow the advice and come up with a total lump sum that I feel she can live with through the summer. She will determine how she spends money, which will in turn determine when she will come home.</p>
<p>zagat - I am not saying that calling 3X week is a problem if this was a stipulation when she was allowed to go (or stay for the summer). I might have asked my son to do this also, BUT it would have been stated before he went. In this case it looks more like the mother is mad that her daughter talks to others more than she talks to her mom (exhibit - the graph). The issue I have with the 3X is that it was after the problem of the phone bill.</p>
<p>One of the problems I have with this is 1) you can still have your way & stay w/o paying back the charges if you call me 3X per week (what lesson is this teaching the child?) 2) that the mother's love is conditional (I won't give you what you want unless you give me what I want). </p>
<p>Showing mercy does NOT mean that you let people do whatever they want or if they cry they get their way. Showing mercy could have meant saying to her daughter, "You know dear I know that you are disappointed that you don't have enough money to do what you want, but there are ways to work around this. You could give up X this week & that would help you make up some of the money, etc."</p>
<p>Daughter is abroad. Big cell phone bill 1 month, bigger cell phone bill 2nd month. Questions: why so much talking to boyfriend and friends? Is this her first and second month away? Or did she leave in September? If September, was she racking up reasonable cell phone bills all this time? How happy is she in this program? Why are calls to far-off friends increasing? How's she handling the independence?</p>
<p>Mom sends detailed spreadsheet with email scolding. Topic is then covered in phone call. Mom takes cell phone is away, reduces cash allowance, reduces credit card limit, instructs daughter to get a calling card and call home 3x week. (Were these consequences set in place after the first astronomical bill? Or after the spreadsheet was analyzed?) The doormat means business! For some reason, daughter is very annoyed, and most likely confused with this change. How can she give mom the silent treatment if she's required to call home 3x a week! This sucks! What a witch! (That's right, honey. Get used to the New Mom!) Slight mis-step, Mom offers 2-month all expenses paid vacation, abroad. Daughter is still annoyed. Mom feels terrible, can't win. All this taking place across the miles, via email and telephones. Very hard to get through this even face to face. Both parties engage in battle over the exact frequency, procedure and per-minute cost of phone calls home (this and emotional button-pushing are daughter's only chips at this point). What a mess. Issues of separation, boundaries, trust, responsibility, consideration, love, maturity... So much drama and pain.</p>
<p>We can't make our kids love us or want to be around us. And even when they love us to pieces, during some phases they may be more emotionally attached to boyfriends and other people. I'd rather receive 1 cooperative call each week than 3 resentful calls, but that's just me.</p>
<p>In toddler days, we could hold up two shirts and have them pick which they wanted to wear today, the red one or the blue one. Disengage from the phone home 3x/week argument. Tell her that she has to contact you x times per week (your choice, maybe give her a range like 1 to 4 times), either by email (red shirt) or phone (blue shirt), her choice. Remember that communication is a two-way street. Why not split the contacts, mom and daughter each taking the initiative 50% of the time. Maybe you set up a weekly call and both honor the appointment. The ranting and raving stop now.</p>
<p>It seems to me that it's time for the mom to stop giving so much and the daughter to stop taking so much. Of course we love our kids and on many levels don't mind an imbalance, but when it's rubbed in our faces, it makes us think. No one likes to be taken for granted. It really sets us off when we scrimp to afford gifts and privileges for our kids, and they are not appreciated or recognized. This situation needs to be addressed head on, in business terms, without the emotional negotiation. It's the starting point of the next phase of the mother-daughter relationship, the more adult phase. Maybe the daughter should fly home for a weekend before summer plans are finalized. It would be expensive but there are benefits. See how daughter acts and looks... body weight, affect, etc. Discuss budget, contact, etc., and put it in writing. Discuss the consequences if the arrangements are violated. The structure that is set in place will recalibrate expectations for the summer. The same meeting will need to happen at the end of the summer, before school starts. Have daughter fly home. Don't make it too convenient by having mother fly abroad. The summer will probably be less structured than this season's study program. If there is something going on, get a reading on it now. Try to set up the next phase (summer) so that problems that occured this semester are addressed. The goal is to have things improve phase by phase. Perfection is unlikely, but as a mom I'd want to see a pretty good effort made. Blatant violations like the month 2 cellphone bill? Not acceptable.</p>
<p>Mommy - Good luck with your decision. Being a mother is a tough job. Hopefully, someday your daughter will say, "Wow, what my mother put up with!" After having your own children it becomes much clearer to us that we all put our parents through _ell in some way or another.</p>
<p>I always love my children but sometimes I hate the things they do. Just as I'm sure that my kids love me but they hate some of the things I do - or make them do. I know I'm making mistakes in raising my kids - but I hope that my love for them overshadows some of the wrong things I may have done from time to time (those PMS rantings and ravings were probably ill-advised LOL!). And I tell my kids that all the time - that I love them very, very much and I'm doing the best I can and I apologize for those times when I do make a mistake. In doing so, I'm trying to demonstrate by example i.e. it's ok to do something bad but still love someone. </p>
<p>And I try to keep the same perspective in return. My daughter went off to college this year and I rarely heard from her. The ONLY time she calls is to ask for something related to $$. The conversation always goes the same: D: hi, how are you. Mom: good, how are you. D: good, um, I have something to ask you. Mom: what do you need $$ for. D: laughs, and then asks for $$ for something. Now my daughter pays for all her own entertainment type expenses so this doesn't happen too frequently. But it makes me feel like nothing more than a bank sometimes. </p>
<p>It definitely doesn't feel too good that my daughter never calls just to chat and when I call her to talk there have been times when she has cut me off and hurried off the phone. Sure, I'd love to be a confidante but the simple fact of the matter is that that's the role all those friends play right now in her life. I also know (because my wise friends with older kids tell me so and I believe them!) that this will change in several years and she really will call just because she wants to.</p>
<p>In the meantime, I've learned through trial and error that IM'ing is the way to go with her. She just doesn't like to talk to me on the phone but she will chat on-line. She's terrible at responding to e-mails, also. So I know that if I want to talk to her, I do it with IM. I respect that phone calls and e-mails don't work for us right now and I'm just glad that I have found a way that does work for both she and I. </p>
<p>The bottom line is that I cannot force her to want to talk with me. Of course, that hurts. But I know, intellectually, that that is more a function of her age and her experiences at college than a reflection of her love for me. </p>
<p>As with all things related to our children: this too shall pass. I have video of her as a little girl and what I often forget is that she never shut up!! She talked constantly (and early) and as with a lot of things about our kids, I remember those times wi****lly. I sometimes wish I could have just one day with my kids as three year olds all over again. To fully appreciate those sweet, sweet little kids.</p>
<p>One more thing: you can't make someone love you but you can demand that they treat you with respect. I have told my kids that they can be as angry as they like at me or my rules but they cannot treat me with disrespect. They cannot lie to me, they cannot yell at me, they cannot use foul language around me, they cannot slam doors, etc. You can tell me that you're too angry to talk with me right now and you'd rather be alone but you cannot slam the door and stomp away from me.</p>
<p>As I said, I always love my kids but sometimes I hate the things they do. That's why I have good girl friends - shoulders to cry on and complain to and get sympathy from. That - and CC!</p>
<p>Mommy...... Money speaks volumes. Budgets are a good thing, and there is no time better than the present to learn that. You are no tyrant to limit the funds going out the door. I don't know anyone lucky enough to spend a gap year abroad and still have tuition at a top 15 covered. One of these days, your daughter will find herself being the responsible one. Then, she will truly feel remorse and understand your position. And... she'll be so glad when she gets her first paycheck and every deposit is in her name that she learned this lesson early on.</p>
<p>OK, totally off-topic, but I have never had something deleted out before in one of my posts. And I could not for the life of me figure it out until I looked at the letters ****ed out. Take an s-t and add a f -u and evidently that gets censored! Wow!</p>
<p>
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Take an s-t and add a f -u and evidently that gets censored! Wow!
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<p>Exactly!! LOL Read your own quote again... you figured it out! Especially that f -u part!!!! Preceded by "Shut The"... Those 4 letters have become a very common part of the teenage vocabulary... unfortunately :(</p>
<p>OH GOD!! Speaking of cellphone abuse. We just found my son's lost cellphone. It went thru the washer and the dryer. It is dead! :(</p>
<p>NJres--are you sure? I think we had a cell phone go thru the washer and survive (I don't think it went the dryer though).</p>
<p>NJRes -
Sounds like a perfect opportunity to insist that he do his own laundry from now on.</p>
<p>Mommy Dearest -
Welcome to the Meanest Moms in the World Club! You may think you're alone, but there are millions of us. We set limits, curfews and guidelines. We keep it simple and stay strong. We remove privileges when our warnings are ignored. We don't discuss what the kids down the street are allowed to do. And we've all been hit with the Meanest Mom label, one of the stealth weapons in the teenage arsenal. </p>
<p>Much of our childrens' sense of independence lies in our allowing them to make, and learn from, their mistakes. I know you are hurt over the direction your daughter's interests have taken, but she is going through a normal stage of separation. Better times are coming.</p>
<p>I just want to clarify something ...</p>
<p>My daughter knew, before she went away, that we expected her to call home. </p>
<p>My daughter went to an excellent high school, with excellent teachers and staff. At her graduation, the principal of her school, a very wise and fine man, made a very moving speech. One of the things that he said was that, regardless of where the kids would be in the next few years, the kids should call home EVERY DAY, just to tell the parents that they love them. I know that every single parent in that room agreed with him.</p>
<p>Before she left (in August 2004), I wanted her to call home every day. The 3 times a week was a compromise, but she understood before she left that that was what I wanted.</p>
<p>I suppose I am going through empty nest syndrome (I do have other kids at home, she is my oldest). Its hard to let go when the most important thing in my life was my children. Still, I don't think its a crime to expect a kid to call home just to tell the parent that she loves them. Its called respect.</p>
<p>I agree that I need to focus on other things in my life besides my children.</p>
<p>I was hurt all along that she never called 3x a week, but I didn't let it get in the way of our relationship. But now I'm espcecially hurt, because she refuses to talk to me, and wrote me a very nasty email, and has no doubt been trashing me to her friends and to the teachers in her school.</p>
<p>NJres, how long was it gone? My son lost his last year, and we knew nothing for three weeks until he came into the house announcing that he found it in the car seat! He was so happy. We were so stunned that he went three weeks without mentioning it. Could have been an expensive lesson for him as well. And, as midwesterner says, he may have to do his own laundry from now on......or at least check his own pockets!</p>
<p>"I'm going to ask it again ... do you all always love your children? Or should I say do you all always like your children?"</p>
<p>I always love them. I don't always like them. And once in a blue moon they do things that tempt me to re-evalute their entire being and my life's work as their mother, but I tend to over-react. I also reflect on my relationship with my own parents. </p>
<p>We adults just need to keep doing the best we can, and try to handle things with our hard-won maturity! I can appreciate that this is a dark, dark time. As painful as it is, you will get through it.</p>
<p>Mommy-</p>
<p>I think all of us moms have been "hurt" by our kids. Most of the time, they are not intentionally out to hurt us. It is not unusual for teenagers to be selfish--they do see themselves as the center of the world for a time. </p>
<p>I went through a time with my daughter similar to you in that after a disagreement about expectations, she did not want to talk to me. I believe it was because, deep down inside, she knew she was wrong and she knew I was hurt, but she did not have it in her at the time to admit that she was at fault. So it was easier for her to play the "victim" and to avoid me. I found that it works better for mom to say to the kid, "I feel hurt" rather than to say "You hurt me, you don't respect me, etc."</p>
<p>Don't worry that she "trashes" you to her friends. That also is her way of not taking responsibility for her behavior. It is easier to blame you. Continue to reassure her that you love her, but remain firm about your expectations and limits. Don't make it about your hurt. Make it about her actions. She will come around.</p>
<p>My daughter and I were close before she went to college. Hopefully, the relationship will resume in later years, but she has a hard time talking to me now because I don't agree with most of what she is doing. We try to stick to subjects that do not lead to an argument, but it is not always possible. And, yes, it hurts terribly at times. I still love her, and always will, but will not always agree with her. </p>
<p>Your daughter may well end up calling you every day when things settle down. The separation years are difficult ones, as they try to become their own person and make their own mistake. We end up being the whipping boys many time for their frustrations. But, I can tell you, that the cell phone problem is a minor one. It has, in fact, become standard issue in our family at this time. That's technology for you, there are these wonderful cell phones and they cause headaches for those of us generous enough to give them to the kids. Cause headaches for me too as I have one more thing on my list to track. If it were not the cell phone, it would likely have been something else, the credit line for the checking account, the visa bill, you name it. As for being trashed, I can guarantee you that my name has been mud for a long time in the school circles. I challege Katwkittens for the title of the Wicked Witch. My little ones sing choice bits from the musical, "Wicked" to me and they aren't singing "Popular" as one of those songs.</p>
<p>Well, she's an adult (sort of) and maybe you need to play hard ball with her. Would you or any reasonable adult accept this disrespect from another adult? NO! Should an adult receiving favors from another know how to express appreciation and not bite the hand that feeds? YES! I'm sure she doesn't treat her friends this badly, and I'm also sure her friends wouldn't put up with it if she did. Maybe she has a difficult lesson to learn.</p>
<p>Jamimom-</p>
<p>Can I interest you in a pair of red ruby slippers?</p>
<p>Kat</p>