No idea.

Parents Forum
1

<p>(I posted this in another forum elsewhere to get input from teens/people my age, so I wanted to post this here as well so I can get input from older people/other parents as well. I've always believed in listening to both sides of the story.)</p>

<p>I'm the youngest of three children (19, 22,and 24). My relationship with my parents is a bit shaky. For the most part I get along with them pretty well, but sometimes we just can't see eye-to-eye, more especially with driving/staying out late (this is much more prominent with my mom, but occasionally my dad too). I'll try to keep this short and simple since I know many people don't like long posts, haha.</p>

<p>Essentially I try to explain to my parents that because I'm away, it is impossible for them to look after me the same way they have before college. Whenever I try to explain this, they think that "oh, you don't need me as a mom/dad then!" and it's NOT like that. I DO believe that given my being away and maturity (I don't do anything stupid, I don't lie to them, I tell them everything, I always check in, etc.) that I should be free to do as I wish. By this I mean just being an adult and living life (going into detail about what I mean by this would make this post much longer). I love both of them, but I really need space. Past experiences and other teens who did stupid things to end up on the news should NOT ruin the experience for ME, as I am NOT them!</p>

<p>My main question is this: Am I asking for too much? Are they wrong? I think that at this point I need an adult child-parent relationship. By this I mean rather than getting a "No" for something they don't want me to do (more especially since I'm away, as I COULD simply disobey and go anyway and they'd never find out since I'm away, but I am not that type of person), I should instead get advice/why they don't want me to do it. At that point I should be able to decide for myself whether I want to do that something or not and accept the consequences, positive or negative, for my actions.</p>

<p>I'd love to hear what other people have to say about my situation. Thanks, and sorry if this post came out long.</p>

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<p>Are we to understand that you ask your parents if something is OK for you to do at college? Where you are off on your own? If so, why do you do that?</p>

3

<p>When our kids left for college, we told them we’d like to hear from them at least once every week. They never share more info than they’re comfortable with, and it works find for all of us. Sometimes, giving too much info is a problem for the student AND parents.</p>

4

<p>I agree with the other comments. When my kids are at college, I don’t expect them to call and tell me when they are coming home at night or other specifics of their day. My son knew it was prudent to tell me he had gone skydiving after the trip was completed instead of telling me the day before. </p>

<p>When my kids are home for breaks, however, they know they need to meet our 12:00 curfew. We can’t sleep if we know they are out there somewhere driving home late at night so they honor our request to be home by 12:00. I have no idea and don’t really want to know what time they get home while at school.</p>

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<p>What are you saying?</p>

<p>Are you saying that while you’ve been away at college, your parents expect to STILL control everything you do and to be told about everything to do?</p>

<p>How often do you have to contact/text/call/email them?</p>

6

<p>If you want to be independent, then * be independent*
You are at 19 an adult. True, you will find it difficult to attend college at 19 without your parents support, but if you feel you are beyond that, then go live your life.</p>

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<p>If you are living away at college, then it is reasonable for you to check in about every week. Some families have an agreed upon day to check in (for us, Sunday afternoon, time varies). As noted above by HImom and others, you share in this check-in what is comfortable, but certainly how school is going, if you are getting along with your roommate, if you just auditioned for something and got into it … you know, the basics.</p>

<p>For my H and I, if our kids are managing their grades and other adult responsibilities well, then we don’t intervene. Our check-ins are usually to swap news, plan our next family get-together or holiday, or just to say hi. If grades are slipping or some other issues that shows they are not quite ready for full adult-hood, like they didn’t manage their own money and bank account and need our help, then we butt back in to make sure a corrective action plan is defined by and executed by our son or daughter. We’ll add this to our Sunday check-ins, unless other additional discussions are warranted, until things are back on track.</p>

<p>In regards to curfews or reporting what you do in your free time, it sounds like your parents may not be ready to let go completely. Ask them what you could do to gain their trust in this space … perhaps staying out late makes them worry you are hanging out with thugs or not getting enough rest. If your grades are excellent and they’ve met your friends, perhaps they can relax more over time and won’t need to micro-manage your life still. Letting go can be hard, and you are the baby, so it is even harder.</p>

<p>If due to financial constraints you have to live at home for now while you are at college, then it’s a little trickier since your parents see you each day and are probably seeing you more like an older high school child that they feed, house, and care for as they always have.</p>

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<p>There is no harm in telling them college is now your full-time job, and it takes your full concentration. that might help.
When I was a child on the verge of adulthood, I felt much the same way. Thought the wording is somewhat different, it basically boils down to what I said to my Dad, and what my son said to me- Please treat me like an adult. But as I started, I was seeing what I thought was adulthood from a child’s perspective. In my mind, at over 18, I can go where I want when I want with who I want, and generally I made sound decisions, but I had the freedom to choose for myself. What I later learned in REAL adulthood is that most of those things come with self-supporting adulthood. And that imo, assuming normal physical and mental health, until one really not an adult until one is self supporting. When I was that age, I felt like- I want to make my own rules, but still want parents to support me. What I didn’t realize then was that would be making rules for my parents to follow. Why would I have the right to do that?
While being on the verge of adulthood is new to the OP, it isn’t new to the parents. They lived it them self, plus, probably had reminders as the 2 older children matured.
So the parents have a fuller perspective- having lived as a child, a teen, at the verge of adulthood, and then 20 yrs or so as an adult. The 19yr old can only guess what being an adult is like.
But specifically, to the Op, I agree with Emkty that if you want to be treated fully like an adult, then be one, and be treated as such! Pay your own way, make your own choices, and good luck to you.</p>

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<p>What’s your ethnic background?</p>

<p>I ask because for people from most of the most common backgrounds in the United States, parents micromanaging a young person’s life while that young person is away at college would be very odd. It would imply either that the young person has special issues that make micromanaging a good idea (like bad ADHD, maybe) or that the parents are having trouble treating the student in an appropriate way.</p>

<p>However, some people who post here come from ethnic backgrounds where the sort of thing you describe might not be so unusual. </p>

<p>We might be better able to advise you if we knew which of these situations is yours.</p>

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<p>If you are away at school and your folks are checking up on you extensively, I also think it is pretty weird. Part of your being way at school is to learn to manage on your own day to day. </p>

<p>Do you mean they ask lots of questions when you come home to visit? Still set a curfew? Treat you like a kid? If that is the case, it is less weird. You and your parents will have to work out a new adult/adult relationship, and it will take some time. </p>

<p>That is where I am with my older son. We speak on the phone once a week when he is away at school, text more often to exchange info as needed. He has come home once to visit, and it was hard for us both not to fall into our old roles. I wanted to ask him where he was going and when he would be home, not to mention nag him about whether he had eaten. He wanted to roll his eyes at some of his dad’s advice. We are feeling our way to a new level in our relationship.</p>

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<p>Thank you all so much for your responses. After a long day I finally had time to sit down and read these and think about it. </p>

<p>@Erin’s Dad: In a way, yes. I essentially tell them the who what when where why of what I’m doing, because I know that it gives them piece of mind and they (or more specifically, my mom) always ask when they call me. And yes, I am on my own, about 3 and a half hours away. </p>

<p>@HImom: I think that might be my problem. I tell them everything mainly because my mom wants to know everything, but now I’m starting to find out that telling them that gives them the opportunity to continue being helicopters. I feel so bad saying this, but it’s coming from deep down. Like I said I have no problem checking in, but they still can’t seem to let go (especially my mom, she calls me at least 4 times a day. And texts me more.) I don’t mind talking to her, but this is what I mean by space; I think being in contact once a week is more than reasonable, but not multiple times a day. The problem is that whenever I don’t answer her, she gets so angry with me and freaks out. </p>

<p>@momtotwins: What you said is very true. And I have no problem with that either. Whenever I visit I have no problem respecting their wishes in terms of curfew, and if I don’t I let them know I sleep over my cousin’s house, which they usually don’t mind. But the problem is that she is trying to impose that same curfew on me even though I am away. Like I said, I could technically lie when she calls me and say that I’m going to sleep when in actuality I’m still out, but I am not that type of person. I really don’t want to have to lie to my parents in order to be more independent. </p>

<p>@mom2collegekids: Unfortunately, yes, that is exactly what I’m saying. My mom calls me at least 4 times a day and texts me more. My dad not so much, but when he does he behaves similarly to my mom, expecting me to follow his and my mom’s rules even when I’m not under their roof. </p>

<p>@emeraldkity4: I could technically pay for everything thanks to financial aid, but that would mean taking out student loans, which I was going to do, but my parents told me not to take them out and that they would help pay for some expenses while I would pay the rest, which I am very grateful for.</p>

<p>@Snowflake: I’ve always been an excellent. Ever since Pre-Kindergarten I’ve only gotten A’s and B’s, with only one C my entire academic career (and this was due to complications with the teacher having to leave in the middle of the semester). I am trying hard to continue this in college, which so far I have been successful in in regards to freshman year. And I know being the baby makes it harder for them to let go, but they still have to learn how to do that. :[ Like I said, I love them to death, but they are being helicopters and I can’t be having that anymore or else I’ll never fully mentally grow up, even in college.</p>

<p>@younghoss: Thank you for your response. Like I said I technically could afford my way thorough college with student loans and such, but they (for good reason) are against that and instead wanted to help me by paying a portion of their expenses while I pay the rest, which I am very grateful for. But I really don’t think that even if I did pay for it all on my own, they still wouldn’t really let me go. They are the type to be “I don’t care if you’re 50, you’ll always be my baby, you don’t understand because you’re not a parent”, but the fact of the matter is I DO understand, but I feel like they don’t understand MY point of view.</p>

<p>@Marian: I am Hispanic. And I don’t have any mental disorders or anything like that that would justify them being this way with me. I really think it’s just because I’m the youngest and that I am the only one to be away at college (my two siblings went to a university near home and so are living at home while I went away). </p>

<p>@Lizardly: I know. I told this to my cousin and his girlfriend when they visited me just a couple days ago, and they thought that it was very strange too. They sympathize with me that my parents (more esp my mom) are not letting me fully grow up. And when I come home to visit, they are actually a little more easy going (probably due to the fact that I’m in their sight), but when I’m away, she’s a lot more helicopter-like. An adult-adult relationship is exactly what I want from them, but it seems they still want me to be a child and not an adult, when it simply cannot happen because I am past that age. I simply can’t and won’t be something I’m not just because they won’t let go.</p>

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<p>When you are an adult, you don’t ask others for permission to live your life.
I moved out when I was 17, almost 18.
Of course if you still expect your family to do things for you like pay for your tuition & room & board, then you will find that you may need to compromise, even more than you might like.
But that’s the trade off.</p>

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<p>@emeraldkity4: I agree with you. Like I said, in reality, the only reason that I “ask for permission to live my life” is because I know how they are. For instance, one of the four times that my mom calls me a day is at night around 11 or 12. Since I don’t like to lie to them, I’m forced to tell the truth. If I’m not back at my apartment at 12am when she calls me, she right away demands to know where I am and to drive back to my apartment immediately while getting very uptight and [in her own words] “with her heart in her hand”. This is what I mean. They are pretty overprotective of me. I honestly don’t know if being able to be this way was an ulterior motive they had when they asked me to forfeit the loans and instead partly rely on them to get me through school with me paying the rest. Like I said, I feel like crap saying this about them, but I’ve kept this all bottled up for too long. I don’t know how I can tell my parents these things about desiring an adult-adult relationship without hurting their feelings/getting them angry/upset.</p>

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<p>Here’s the thing. You are beginning to be an adult. That is simple truth. The relationship between parent and child is not severed when a child grows up, it simply changes. Just because you do not want to be treated as a child doesn’t mean you no longer want to be treated as a son. </p>

<p>You need to put your foot down. Or at least as hard as you can given the level of dependence on them financially. Four times a day is ridiculous, and you need to let them know that.</p>

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<p>It’s sometimes hard for parents to let go. I wonder if your background has something to do with it? Did either of your parents go to college or are you and your siblings the first to go? Also, are you a girl? My son’s best friend is Hispanic- his Mom was born in Mexico and he is the first to go to college. She is making him live at home (she helps financially) and doesn’t understand why he would want to move out to go to college. She was brought up in a family where the kids basically stayed home until they got married. With that family, it is definitely cultural, and she fully admits it. If you are a girl, that is even more true.</p>

<p>For most kids going away to school, they do not ask their parent’s permission to do everyday activities. Our kids called us routinely, usually more than once a week but not always. They called just to talk and tell us exciting news, but not so much to ask to do anything. You might try explaining to your parents that talking to them more than once per day is difficult as you are running from class to class and studying. Maybe at first come up with a time of day that works for both of you. I don’t think you have to specifically tell them in detail what you plan for each day- if they ask just tell them you are not sure what you are doing yet…probably studying. You don’t need to lie, but just be vague. Hopefully you can move to every other day eventually. Tell them that they did a good job teaching you solid values and that as a result you don’t do anything that they would consider bad or dangerous. Sorry you are having to deal with this. It might get better when you are away from home longer!</p>

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<p>So don’t answer the phone 3 of the 4 times your mom calls you every day. “Sorry, mom, I was busy with class/in the middle of lunch/in a study group/in a quiet study area/ etc.”. When you talk to her, be vague about your specific plans. Maybe talk to her when you are walking to class so you have a specific cut off when you get there. DO NOT share your plans for going out in the evening, or respond if they call or text after what they think your “curfew” should be. If they freak out… then so be it. Tell them the next day that you were out/busy/forgot your phone/were sleeping/whatever. Eventually my guess is they will get the message…</p>

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<p>@davorin: I agree with you 100%. But whenever I try to explain these things, my parents right away think that I no longer want them as parents, and this always instills a sense of guilt inside of me, forcing me to stop expressing myself how I truly feel out of shame of hurting two of the most important people in my life’s feelings. And the four times a day is much more prominent with my mom, my dad doesn’t call me nowhere near as much, which I appreciate. But the problem is that sometimes, when he does call me, he is just like my mom in the sense that he wants to know everything, even some things that I’d rather keep to myself. Me and my siblings were always told my parents never to hide anything from them, but I want them to understand that as I’m growing up, I am realizing that there are just some things that I do not wish to share with them. </p>

<p>@takeitallin: I don’t know if it does either. Yes, my father finished a bachelor’s degree in Ecuador while my mother studied in Manhattan to get her Associate’s. Also, I am a boy. Also, from what my sister (the oldest) told me, she originally wanted to go away as well, but my mom did not allow it because she felt my sister wasn’t mature enough. So, as a result she ended up going to a community college and later transferring to a university; both near home. My brother on the other hand never seemed to care about going away and went straight to a university near home. But thank you for your advice, I think I am going to have to be more vague with them now. Telling them everything just gives them an opportunity to continue being all over me. And they did raise me well; I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink, I’m hardly out late anyway (especially on school nights), and I am an excellent student. This is why I don’t understand why they have a hard time letting go if they KNOW all these things. </p>

<p>@intparent: Thanks for your advice. I do think that I am going to have to be more vague from now on and stop telling them everything because I see that all it does is cause more stress on both of us, with her wanting me to be at my apartment by a specific time, knowing the 5 W’s, etc… Like I said, my dad isn’t as “helicoptery” as my mom (though he certainly can be at times), but whenever I don’t answer either one of them, the freaking out is to the point where I will be screamed at for a good while and “Never to do this again”. I fear that me ignoring their calls will cause me to lose what little trust I may have from them.</p>

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<p>I think your parents aren’t just helicoptering–they’re interfering with your life in a very unhealthy way. (I’m sitting here wondering what happens when you’re out on a date with Ms. Right and Mom calls to insist you go straight home!) As a parent, however, I would much prefer a simple communication in which you set some rules in a kind but assertive fashion than the kind of evasions recommended in post #16. For example, an email like this “Mom, I’ve decided not to take any calls from home after ____pm, when I’m either studying or socializing with friends. It’s just too much of an interruption. I’ll catch up with you in the mornings. Of course if there’s a family emergency, text me and I’ll respond immediately. Please don’t worry about me–I’m still the same responsible, sensible guy you raised–just a little older and more independent! Love ya!” And then stick to that rule, no matter what kind of ranting and raving you get in return. In any case, don’t feel guilty. Guilt is an appropriate response when you know you’ve done something wrong, but you aren’t doing anything wrong by living as a normal adult. There’s no reason to feel guilty about your parents’ unreasonable expectations. And if you can’t get them to ramp down (though I think with time they will), taking some loans might be a reasonable price to pay for your freedom.</p>

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<p>Turn off your phone. Tell your parents you cannot answer calls or messages during the day because you are either in class or studying. </p>

<p>I have to say…I am quite sure my kids did NOT tell me every move they made in college. I didn’t need to hear every move they made, nor did I want to. I suspect I had far greater peace of mind NOT knowing every who, what, where, when, and why.</p>

<p>We asked our kids to call us once a week at a time convenient for them. They were great at doing so…and still do. If it was something REALLY important, I would text them, but I don’t do so frequently. I will send emails…and ask for a response if it’s needed.</p>

<p>I love hearing from my kids…but not every day! Not at all.</p>

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<p>I agree that this is quite different and probably very hard for you, OP. I’m sorry for your situation. It’s very hard to “grow up” when others are holding you back. </p>

<p>I’m a college freshman myself, and my mom is actually a professor at my university. Even though she’s here on campus every day and has the opportunity to still “oversee” everything I do, she doesn’t. I don’t even see her too often, and she certainly doesn’t call me 4 times a day. Usually once and sometimes twice along with texts throughout the day. I’d think that’s standard for most raw, transitioning college freshman. </p>

<p>Basically, I think it’s good to set some boundaries like this. If your mom can agree to even just calling you once a day, that’d probably be best for you because then you can prepare for it and be ready. My mom always calls around 9pm or so, and it becomes a routine where I can think “okay, mom’s gonna call, do I need to tell her/ask her anything?” </p>

<p>Also, don’t worry about telling them what you do. My mom would probably be horrified if I told her my friends and I occasionally go joy riding at 3 am, so I just leave it out. </p>

<p>Practice this:
What are you doing? Hanging out with friends.
Where are you? Around campus.
When will you be back in your bed? When it’s time.
Did you do all your homework? I took care of it. </p>

<p>It’s not lying or being sneaky because as college students, we understand what we are doing and don’t need permission to live life. The way I look at it, it’s all a reflection of our parents. If they feel that they’ve raised us appropriately, they won’t have to worry so much about the intricacies of our lives. </p>

<p>However, I know what you mean about not wanting to hurt them. I’m a true Momma’s boy and I feel obligated to keep my mom in the know about things. Nevertheless, as we get older, we learn that our parents don’t have to know “everything.” You have good grades, not a 97 in calc and a 95 in econ; you’re eating well, not eating Fruit Loops every morning, sandwiches at lunch and meatloaf at dinner. Sometimes, they just don’t need to know, and frankly, that might not matter to them. </p>

<p>Anyway, good luck, man. Keep your head up and take it one step at a time.</p>