Cell phone abuse

[helicoptermom]

<p>Mommy_Dearest--</p>

<p>You sound hurt and angry, and I can certainly sympathize; in fact, the first time I posted on CC (after lurking for a year) was to start a thread named "They never call, they never write..." I know how painful it is to lose the day-to-day contact with the children we love so much, and how hard it is to realize that we are not very high on their list of priorities at the moment.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, though, I believe the principal at your daughter's school may have raised unrealistic expectations when he told the graduating seniors that they should call their parents every day to say that they love them. While every parent in the room may have agreed, I can't imagine that many of the students actually followed through. Indeed, it is usually a sign of unhappiness for a child of this age to be calling home every day. This is a busy, heady time for them, and as much of a wrench as it may be for us, pulling away from their parents is a normal rite of passage.</p>

<p>I suspect the money and the calling issues are fairly distinct, and that your feelings would be much the same if your daughter hadn't run up a huge phone bill but had still neglected to call you. Obviously, it makes sense for you to set clear limits on your daughter's spending and to stick to those limits. But I'm not sure that will address what's really bothering you, which seems to be her relative lack of interest in staying in close contact with you at this time, and lack of remorse for the pain she is putting you through. The dilemma is that the more we try to keep our kids close at this stage (and the spreadsheet analysis may have come across to your daughter as a slightly alarming attempt to chart and control her relationships), the more distance they are likely to seek.</p>

<p>Many parents helped me when I started my thread back in September (<a href="http://www.collegeconfidential.com/cgi-bin/discus/show.cgi?70/90752%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.collegeconfidential.com/cgi-bin/discus/show.cgi?70/90752&lt;/a>. Here are some excerpts from posts I found particularly useful:

@latetoschool

It's normal and it changes, I promise. I felt the same way at first. They seem to distance greatly at first, then spring back. If someone takes one step back from you, you take two steps. That way they spring back faster.

@bookiemom

Here is a little nugget that might make you feel better. My D saw a wonderful child psychologist when she was younger for serious family issues. The psychologist (who has two Ds herself) told me that Ds MUST go through a period at some time when they detach from Mom emotionally, so that they can become independent women themselves and grow to be equal friends with Mom. I have gotten a lot of solace from this advice at times when my D was being distant or mean to me.

and

@farawayplaces

My 24-year-old daughter--though she's out of the country--is so considerate of us now, but as a freshman she just shed us like a cheap suit. I remember being so lonely for our friendship. We called her once a week. One Sunday in October it was my birthday. "Oh, yeah, happy birthday," she said when I reminded her. Then she covered the mouthpiece--but not well enough so that I heard her say: "I"ll be right down. I've got to talk to my mom for ten minutes because it's her birthday." </p>

<p>(Stab!) </p>

<p>It's a stage. Be patient. It will take some years, but I predict that your daughter will come back one day as an adult friend.

</p>