<p>Mommy_Dearest - it seems that there are 2 separate problems. One is the cell phone bill -- and that is where your daughter seems to me to be very immature and inconsiderate. Why would she make hour long calls to her bf, knowing what it costs? My daughter, at age 16, was overseas for 4 months and had a cell phone with her -- but we talked about costs from the outset - she was to use the phone for a voice call only in emergencies. Everything else was done via text messaging, and I purchased the cell phone plan with the maximum amount of pre-paid messages. Even so, during her last month she ran up a bill with 3,000+ text messages, more than $90 in calls - but a lot of the problem was with incoming messages after a local friend set up AIM to forward to her cell phone. I split the bill with her - I paid half, she paid the other half. </p>
<p>What I find troubling is the way your daughter argues and manipulates when you raise the money issue. To be truthful, my d. is always going over budget at home - if it isn't the cell phone, she's spending money at the mall. I give her a monthly allowance, hoping that having to budget for a month will help her learn better habits -- but she still goes out shopping the first weekend every month when she has her allowance in hand. She's always buying DVDs and CD's ... obviously things she could do without. </p>
<p>But the difference is that my d. is very, very apologetic - and she does try to change. She also tries to get others to pitch in -- for example, at home she has a car and ends up driving many of her friends around, so she asks them to contribute for gas. We just had a money issue again (credit card bill way higher than expected), but then 2 days ago my d. handed me $100 to help pay things back. I get frustrated, but we can also joke about it -- my d. just isn't good with budgeting and controlling money, but at least she acknowledges that is a problem and makes some effort. </p>
<p>Maybe my daughter is also being manipulative and walking all over me, but at least it feels better when there are lots of hugs and thank you's and apologies. Sometimes she is a little bit of defensive in offering explanation - but she is never hostile or angry. She knows that she is lucky to have me and my money. She never tells me what "other" kids' parents do or what they think of me, except to say all the time that all the other kids think I am "way cool" and that they really like me. At least for my daughter, flattery works, so she goes that route. </p>
<p>I'm sorry that your daughter is not the same way. I would be very tempted to pull the plug completely in that situation.</p>
<p>The other problem - though - is also why your daughter is able to manipulate you. You have a specific expectation as to how often she will call - and of course she has control over whether or not she calls you. When my d. went overseas, I called her, using a prepaid phone card - and I asked her in a text message after she arrived how often I should call. She replied that at the foreign exchange orientation, they advised about once every three weeks. So I said o.k., and held off - but we had a system where she would text me if she wanted me to call, and then I would call. The calls ended up being much more frequent -- because she would start missing me and want to hear from me.</p>
<p>When my son went off to college I never heard from him unless something was wrong or upsetting him -- and I never could reach him -- so of course I was left constantly fretting over the last call. But I got used to it - now it is often 2 weeks that I don't hear from him or talk to him. He's just not a talker and he's very busy with his own life -- but when he does call, he always has lots of news and really wants to talk. So it is hard to get used to -- but I think when you give your kids the space they want, things work out better in the end.</p>
<p>The only problem with your daughter is that she wants her space on your dime. My son who never calls pays his own way, so I might miss him, but I don't resent him. I don't have an answer for you -- you obviously are feeling conflicted because you want her to enjoy her time overseas and at the same time she is clearly taking advantage of your generosity. I don't think the problems you are having can be resolved while she is overseas -- although there may be ways you can put limits on her spending. Cutting off the cell phone was a good start. </p>
<p>But in the end there are issues between you that will need to be resolved when she is home. I would suggest that before she goes to college that you come to a clear understanding on finances and arrange things in a way that will not allow her to continue taking advantage of you. For example, it may be better for you to give her a cash allowance and require that she pay all her own bills (cell phone, credit card) from that allowance, rather than letting her to continue to run up bills that you have to pay.</p>