Chance me? (interesting) Essays included.

Chance Me / Match Me!
1

<p>Hey guys I applied to UC Berkeley, UCLA, USC, NYU, Tulane.. a couple other schools, but I care most about NYU, since I applied as a philosophy major.
Anyway, I'm including my essays in this post. I think they're pretty interesting and have a lot of impact. My stats are also terrible.</p>

<p>White, Male, Los Angeles, Public School
3.4 Weighted, Rank - 100/540
SAT - 1800
ACT - 27
APUSH - 4
AP Eng. - 3
There has also been an upward trend in my grades.</p>

<p>EC's -
Lots and lots of band. Jazz band (Vice President), marching band/concert band (Section Leader), LAUSD All City Honor Band (Anchor)
Service hours... probably around 600-700 at this point.
People to People Student Ambassador in Europe
YMCA Youth and Government Model Legislature - bill sponsor, lobbyist, national issues commissioner.
Philosophy Club Founder
USC California Youth Think Tank - (residency/debate camp) spoke on standardized testing, team won.
QuikSCience participant (USC science research competition)
Selected to meet/ interview NASA Astronaut Anna Fisher.</p>

<p>I think that's about it. Here are my essays (I'll just use my NYU essays).</p>

<p>Why NYU New York?</p>

<p>The allure of New York City is, to me, enigmatic. Does my attraction to the city stem from the unparalleled dynamics as portrayed in art and literature? Is it the ethnic diversity and it's fascinating historical by-product? Maybe it's the dense population of a few of the worlds most highly renowned universities. I may never understand my mysterious enchantment with New York City – which is exactly why I want to study there. While most other cities are exceedingly superficial, New York City offers an unrivaled sense of depth that provokes an intellectual mindset I seldom attain.</p>

<p>What are your academic interests?</p>

<p>I was raised in a world of hypocrisy and contradictions. The entities entitled with the responsibilities of instilling morals within me constantly broke promises, acting solely on motivations of self gain. I lived my life in stages of confusion, indifference, indignation, and rebellion as I struggled to understand the fraudulent authority that surrounded me. I constantly uncovered perceived flaws in my environment, inevitably stumbling upon nihilism. The abundant presence of contradictions that surrounded me - be it moral, logical, social, or political – provided fuel for my frightening obsession with, quite literally, nothing at all. Nihilism took me over, and told me that nothing mattered – not family, not grades, not even life. I fought for months to find a way out of my dilemma before undergoing a pivotal existential realization.</p>

<p>As a result of my journey, I feel that studying philosophy opens doorways into realms of reality that would otherwise remain hidden. It has taken me places I have hated, places I have loved, and places that I may never understand. Regardless, the beautifully curious nature of philosophy fascinates me beyond comprehension.</p>

<p>What intrigues you? (ie a book, piece of art or music, etc.)</p>

<p>A few years ago, as I fought to stabilize myself in the face of death, divorce and other distractions, I opened up a book. The book didn't have a title, or an author – in fact, the book didn't seem to have any words written in it at all. Curious, I sat down and flipped through the book. As I looked down, my eyes attentively scouting each blank page in search of any sort of meaning, everything seemed to move in slow motion. I looked down only hours after my grandmother died, and wouldn't look up until last summer. These pages, blank and bare yet brilliant and burning with emotion, were truly timeless. For two years my mind bore an image as seemingly void as the pages of the book. But these two years were the most intellectually productive years of my life, because when I looked up - donning that hopeful expression of enlightenment - I knew I had experienced something powerful. I recognized the beauty and unity in all things, and I realized that I understand absolutely nothing at all. I experienced the paradox of human existence.</p>

<p>As it turns out, the book I read has a long history. Friedrich Nietzsche and Arthur Schopenhauer and Jean-Paul Sartre all read this book too. Even Plato read it, before proclaiming that the "unexamined life is not worth living." Yes, many a great philosopher have seen these barren pages of boundless astonishment. But to this day, I cannot help but to employ the only means by which my life still strides on: I wonder why.</p>

<p>Additional Comments</p>

<p>The K-12 public education system has become an intellectual prison for the future of the world. With the passage of “No Child Left Behind” (NCLB) legislation in 2002, the basis of most high school curriculum has become focused on a single subject: standardized testing. As teachers became more focused on standards - as a means of achieving high performance numbers on standardized tests to keep their jobs - so did students. When a student attempts to approach a topic today from an alternative perspective, they are considered a failure in the eyes of teachers, peers, and even parents. The only students who wield the ability to make it to the top of their class are robots: their minds are easily molded as they mindlessly copy lecture notes, agreeing with every word that comes out of a teacher‘s mouth and regurgitating any information they “learn” onto exams and homework. If the so-called “high achieving” student is not asked to delve, explore, and connect, they won’t. And so students today are divided in three major groups: those who are shunned for their creativity and give up on learning altogether, those who are seen as high performing students but are really just malleable drones, and those who realize the difference, striving to challenge the intellectual barriers of contemporary public education through creativity, skepticism, and individuality. I identify with the latter.</p>

<pre><code>I am proud of every single grade that I have earned, because I know that I didn't receive those grades because the material was incomprehensible, or because I’m intellectually incapable - I received those grades because I am not a standard. I am not a guided curriculum. I am not a test score. I am not a GPA. I am a unique, aware, independent, and open-minded student.
</code></pre>

<p>I'm not going to include my personal statement, because it's hella long. I think this creates enough of an image.
If you read them, thank you so much for taking the time to read them, I really appreciate it.
For real. Thanks :)</p>

2

<p>Wow that last essay is boring. They don’t need a history lesson and your opinion is extremely generic</p>

<p>The book essay also needs a lot of work. You explain that the book is interesting for 80% of the essay… could easily be condensed.</p>

<p>The essay before that looks like you tried so use “big words” when they were completely unnecessary. Same with that first essay. It is a shame that you completely ignored the #1 tip of admission officers…</p>

3

<p>wallrus75 I’m new to this what is the number one tip of admission officers?</p>

<p>aj9895 In your “why NYU New York” you didn’t tell us why you want to go to NYU specifically. I like everything you said about NYC but think you need to say more about NYU.</p>

4

<p>I suggest using less verbiage, and be a little more straight-forward. (Not trying to be harsh) But this isn’t an SAT essay there not going to be impressed by “big-words” when even the most illiterate of students have access to dictionary/synonym.com and spell check on Microsoft. I’m only a junior and haven’t written any application essays yet but that’s just how it appears to me. They are well written though, it just looks like you wrote a nice essay and then went crazy with a thesaurus.</p>

5

<p>Probably a reach, considering your HS stats</p>

6

<p>I don’t think it’s fair to call high-achieving students “drones” just because they get high grades… That statement was an instant turnoff. With that kind of attitude, I guess you think that people who get better grades than you are automatically less creative than you are?</p>

7

<p>I’m not going to chance you. They aren’t exactly helpful, as I have found. However I can tell you it’s going to be tough for you to gain admission to these very selective colleges. I like that you gave the essays you wrote cause that we can help you with. After reading them, I was bored and unimpressed. I’m being blunt to help you not make fun of you or anything. You definitely need to speak of why you like NYU first and foremost, I like that you spoke of the area around it, I think admissions loves that you can tell them why you like the outside environment besides the college itself. STOP USING BIG WORDS! The sentences got at times too difficult to understand and way to scholarly. I would try to think about what you would want to say and put it on paper, without ruining it with any big words. Be yourself in these essays. You can’t possibly be walking around speaking how you wrote in your essays. I’m not saying be extremely colloquial but make your essays seem… normal. AND BE CREATIVE! You will really stick out with good and creative essays.
Also we really can tell where your biases lie in the first one. It sounds like you’re making excuses for your comparatively lower GPA. I have to say, being a student who gets great grades in school, I do not AGREE WITH EVERYTHING MY TEACHER SAYS! I learn the information and use it to make my own decision. My APUS teacher, for example, still cant figure out why I hate Alexander Hamilton, but I could talk all day about how much I hate him. I’m not a robot. I’m a kid with good grades, but I still have a life and an opinion. Your lower GPA doesnt make you different and you can’t take away anything from students who do well. Please don’t generalize it will simply show how ignorant you are. Don’t take this the wrong way, I agree. The schooling system is flawed and some students who do well are like robots. But I think you’re delving into too deep of waters and need to be steered in another direction. The admission officers won’t like your biases and generalizations, they want to hear something different. You didn’t even provide your own ideas in changing the system. That shows hypocrisy: you throw out the history and numbers but didn’t once say how it should be altered (info with no application). Also it’s hypocritical to say that you aren’t defined by GPA but you are quick to state that the traditional “high-achieving” student is a robot and drone. See what I’m saying? You will have many enemies with this essay and I think it needs to be tuned up ALOT if you want to still write on the subject.
Anyway, I didn’t mean to bash you thats just how I read it. I think you should change that one and definitely write more from yourself and not like you’re writing for your english class.</p>

8

<p>I am just going to be honest. Your essays are patronizing and make you sound envious of people who got better grades. It also looks like you used a thesaurus. Everybody can use those words, but the better students choose to use words that make the essay most relatable and friendly.</p>

<p>Your no child left behind was a huge turn-off for me. If I was an adcom I would deny you based off of that essay. You make tons of claims without providing any evidence and then you try to justify your lower grades by saying that you are so much more amazing than everyone else and this amazing doesn’t translate to grades.</p>

<p>Guess what, people who get higher grades probably have the same capability to be “open-minded” and people are never scared to question the teacher. But why would you tell the teacher that they are wrong? That the three laws of motion are wrong? Higher achievers just have the rational thought to see ideas as accepted theories.</p>

<p>This is honestly the first time I have grown to hate someone on college confidential.</p>

9

<p>@wallrus, I actually think the student who does well sometimes can be just as or more open minded, actually. I mean, for a student to hear some of the useless crap he/she hears in class and still apply it and do well in the class takes a lot of understanding and eagerness to learn.</p>

10

<p>Wow, that was hella brutal.
Community college here I come. Peace out, bros.
Thanks for the support and feedback.</p>

11

<p>You should apply for more schools than just yours. I could predict that it is probable that you will get denied from all 4. Can’t tell if that CC comment was a joke, but you should be taking it seriously.</p>

12

<p>My essays aren’t friendly, but I am painting a picture of my life. And my life is scary and cold. But honestly bro, **** you. You don’t know who I am, or what I’ve seen and been through. You don’t know where I live or who I live with. So don’t tell me what I need to take seriously. Because at this point, I’m not going to take college seriously anymore. These are the universities that I want to go to. I don’t want to go anywhere else, and I don’t have the money for applications anymore.
And if you really think I am some blind, ignorant fool, then UNBLIND ME. Help me see the issue, help me understand it. Don’t just berate me for my ideas.</p>

13

<p>Here’s a Valedictorian with the same opinion.
[Valedictorian</a> Speaks Out Against Schooling - YouTube](<a href=“Valedictorian Speaks Out Against Schooling - YouTube”>Valedictorian Speaks Out Against Schooling - YouTube)</p>

<p>Are you even in school anymore, wallrus75? Maybe if you were, you would understand that my essay is an observation of what I see around me almost every day of my life.</p>

14

<p>Good luck with not taking college seriously. I’ll list the issues below, in detail, because f*** me, right?</p>

<p>Essay 1:
The allure of New York City is, to me, enigmatic. Does my attraction to the city stem from the unparalleled dynamics as portrayed in art and literature? Is it the ethnic diversity and it’s fascinating historical by-product? Maybe it’s the dense population of a few of the worlds most highly renowned universities. I may never understand my mysterious enchantment with New York City – which is exactly why I want to study there. While most other cities are exceedingly superficial, New York City offers an unrivaled sense of depth that provokes an intellectual mindset I seldom attain.
-Allure, enigmatic, dynamics, mysterious enchantment, attain are all awkward in this essay.
-Doesn’t once mention New York University… you completely ignored the prompt
-The dash is unprofessional in its context, use a comma. This is another example where you try to be fancy.
-You call other cities superficial… I have no clue what you mean by that and you are judging cities as a whole as a 18 year old. That sounds extremely patronizing.
-“an intellectual mindset I seldom attain.” You are trying to be too fancy and this is telling the reader that you don’t challenge yourself and seek enjoyment in your environment.</p>

15

<p>Essay2/Part1
A few years ago, as I fought to stabilize myself in the face of death, divorce and other distractions, I opened up a book. The book didn’t have a title, or an author – in fact, the book didn’t seem to have any words written in it at all. Curious, I sat down and flipped through the book. As I looked down, my eyes attentively scouting each blank page in search of any sort of meaning, everything seemed to move in slow motion. I looked down only hours after my grandmother died, and wouldn’t look up until last summer. These pages, blank and bare yet brilliant and burning with emotion, were truly timeless. For two years my mind bore an image as seemingly void as the pages of the book. But these two years were the most intellectually productive years of my life, because when I looked up - donning that hopeful expression of enlightenment - I knew I had experienced something powerful. I recognized the beauty and unity in all things, and I realized that I understand absolutely nothing at all. I experienced the paradox of human existence.
-“Stabilize myself,” “scouting,” “burning with emotion,” “truly timeless,” “void,” “donning,” “bore,” “paradox,” are all misused, awkward, or unnecessary words
-I have no clue what you are talking about. So this book intrigued you, cool. It shouldn’t take 10 sentences to get that across.</p>

<p>Essay2/Part2
As it turns out, the book I read has a long history. Friedrich Nietzsche and Arthur Schopenhauer and Jean-Paul Sartre all read this book too. Even Plato read it, before proclaiming that the “unexamined life is not worth living.” Yes, many a great philosopher have seen these barren pages of boundless astonishment. But to this day, I cannot help but to employ the only means by which my life still strides on: I wonder why.
-“employ the only means by which my life still strides on” very awkward wording.
-“I wonder why” I don’t know what you are wondering.
-I have learned nothing about you from this essay. I don’t even know the book, just that it is something about philosophy.
-Name-dropping philosophers sounds rather pointless. So others read this book, so what? They don’t care. Admission officers want to know more about YOU.</p>

16

<p>I am not trying to be fancy. I sat down and wrote these essays as the ideas came into my mind. I didn’t sit down and craft these essays to be extremely impressive - I didn’t use a thesaurus, I didn’t change any sentence structure from the original drafts. I crafted these essays to convey a message. I wrote with my heart.</p>

17

<p>You are simply not picking up the message, you are not thinking about the words I have written!
Those were philosophers that inspired me, and given the background of the essay, their names dictate belief systems that I connected to.</p>

18

<p>Essay3/Part1</p>

<p>The K-12 public education system has become an intellectual prison for the future of the world. With the passage of “No Child Left Behind” (NCLB) legislation in 2002, the basis of most high school curriculum has become focused on a single subject: standardized testing. As teachers became more focused on standards - as a means of achieving high performance numbers on standardized tests to keep their jobs - so did students. When a student attempts to approach a topic today from an alternative perspective, they are considered a failure in the eyes of teachers, peers, and even parents.
-“intellectual prison” too dramatic. You aren’t being conversational
-“future of the world” too cliche.
-"‘No Child Left Behind’ (NCLB) legislation in 2002," this sounds like a research report up to here.
-You claim the curriculum is focused on standardized testing, but don’t provide an example of it happening. Did teachers completely change their curriculum they have been using for years just because of this? Just a horrible point all around.
-You misuse the dash, again…
-You claim that students are even more focused on testing. You provide no evidence and now you are starting to sound patronizing.
-“When a student attempts to approach a topic today from an alternative perspective, they are considered a failure in the eyes of teachers, peers, and even parents.” Honestly this is a stupid claim. You don’t provide an example of this happening. You are being patronizing, again, to “teachers, peers, and parents” by saying they just simply aren’t capable of understanding different perspectives. FALSE!</p>

<p>Essay3/Part2
The only students who wield the ability to make it to the top of their class are robots: their minds are easily molded as they mindlessly copy lecture notes, agreeing with every word that comes out of a teacher‘s mouth and regurgitating any information they “learn” onto exams and homework. If the so-called “high achieving” student is not asked to delve, explore, and connect, they won’t. And so students today are divided in three major groups: those who are shunned for their creativity and give up on learning altogether, those who are seen as high performing students but are really just malleable drones, and those who realize the difference, striving to challenge the intellectual barriers of contemporary public education through creativity, skepticism, and individuality. I identify with the latter.
-“Wield,” “regurgitating,” “shunned,” “malleable drones,” “contemporary,” are all unnecessary or awkwardly placed.
-Your first sentence makes you sound like an idiot. Many tests require kids to interpret information, not simply a spelling test like test. Students need to read textbooks, find out how things work, and then apply them. Your claim is baseless and remains unsupported. Also patronizing.
-Shunned for creativity? Give me an example in this essay. This sounds like a joke.
-How about high performing students who can memorize information, apply them, discover new things, and are creative, what about that group? They don’t exist?
-Nice job pretty much dividing all students into 3 different types, making 2 types sound horrible and then say that you are the “good” type. Sounds extremely arrogant, and patronizing yet again. Sounds familiar?</p>

<p>I am proud of every single grade that I have earned, because I know that I didn’t receive those grades because the material was incomprehensible, or because I’m intellectually incapable - I received those grades because I am not a standard. I am not a guided curriculum. I am not a test score. I am not a GPA. I am a unique, aware, independent, and open-minded student.
-You are intellectually incapable if you are not able to get high marks. Or you just didn’t try that hard.
-So not everyone is a “unique, aware, independent, and open-minded student”? Is you being this really make you special? They have 20,000 people who are JUST like you.</p>

19

<p>After some delicate number crunching, I have found that zero people have liked your essays. Leave this thread up if you please. I’m sure many will continue to agree with everyone who has posted thus far.</p>

<p>Of course you are reading this and thinking, “I just think at a higher level of intelligence.” Just keep thinking that. See how far that will get you. See how relatable you will seem. See how many friends you will gain with that attitude. </p>

<p>And then, see how you were wrong.</p>

20

<p>Your ignorance astounds me. Goodbye.</p>