Our daughter, in her 3rd year of undergrad at a top university has recently informed us that she is switching career goals from physician to chef! This coming from a girl who had a good gpa, excellent MCAT, and a solid resume of research, including a first author publication at 16.
My husband and I are not certain how to handle this sudden change in career plans – frankly, we are not all that disappointed about her abandonment of a career in medicine. Though our daughter seemed to have the aptitude for it we sometimes felt the passion was lacking. As for a passion for cooking, she has enjoyed it as a hobby, but I would never call it a passion. When she has been home for breaks, I have had a difficult time even getting her to help with Christmas dinner.
Any suggestions, insights from those who have been down similar paths before? We are not sure whether we should just wait this out and see what happens, or set down some strict boundaries/expectations now. We have already told her that we expect her to finish her undergrad with as high GPA as possible, and have tried hard to keep from dismissing her current career aspirations as frivolous.
I think that it’s reasonable for you to expect your daughter to finish college. As to the career aspiration change, it seems to me that both chefs and physicians must be willing to withstand a lot of stress and heat (literally and figuratively). The lack of passion for cooking would concern me, but so would the lack of passion for medicine.
Yes, I agree with the concern about the lack of passion, and itend to think it is a bit if immaturity and allowing herself to be influenced a bit too much by careers that are romanticized on TV. I have observed strengths in her that I think would be suited well to certain careers, but don’t want to even broach that now for fear of it ring misinterpreted as trying to steer her away from a career as a chef…
We watch a lot of cooking shows and I can’t tell you how many of the chefs we see who say something like, “I went ot medical school (or law school, or finance, etc.) because that is what my parents wanted. I finally quit and went to culinary school and I love what I do. I hope I win so that I can prove to my parents that what I do is worthwhile (or a real job, or that I am good at it, etc.).”
My own D works in a restaurant, though she was never in pre-med. She loves what she does (expediting and line cook) and is happy and self-supporting. I still can’t get her to help me much with Christmas dinner. She’ll happily make a salad though. Good luck to your D.
Apologize for all the typos in my previous post - getting dinner on the table (ironically!). I think the issue we are facing is deciding how much support, if any, we are willing to provide to this new goal. We had indicated we would be willing to assist with some lving expenses while attending med school, but we are not willing to assist with living expenses while pursuing a career as a chef. If this is a life choice she is making, we feel it us important for her to experience the lifestyle it is likely to afford. If the pleasure from the job is enough to carry her, then fine. But she has always enjoyed the finer things in life.
It certainly don’t think it is our business to tell her what she should do with her life, but I do think we have a choice in what we will support, esp. financially. If she lives the life of a line cook or a chef like your daughter, sea mom, and is happy and self supporting then I am fine. But we are already hearing talk about thoughts of attending CIA…
She sounds like a very smart, very capable kid who will figure it out eventually. Unless there is debt to repay, (and that’s a whole nother story) there’s nothing wrong with graduating and spending a couple of years on food stamps figuring out what she wants to do. I’d make sure she spends some time working in a restaurant before financing culinary school,
I think it would be reasonable to suggest to your daughter that she get a job in a restaurant before making a decision about attending culinary school.
And I have to add my husband and I both worked in the restaurant business from our mid teens to our mid 20s, and are more than familiar with it. And we have many friends who are still in it.
Quialah, we seem to be adopting your attitude, and thankfully there is no undergrad debt for her. We are just concerned that while she explores this new direction, she not shut the door on others.
Among my friends kids and the peers of my recent college grad D, it seems like lots of them work for couple years and the apply to grad school in something. I cannot imagine what door she could be shutting at this point if she tries the chef route for a couple years. My D graduated in 2014 with no real job, but she is making her way, and I bet your D will too. You will be amazed.
I agree, qiaiah, just feel like we are walking a bit of a tightrope in trying to remain somewhat neutral in our reaction. We are not inclined to fund culinary school after funding 4 years of undergrad away from home.
We are fortunate that a local community college has an award-winning culinary program that D was able to attend. But she had worked in a deli and for a hot dog stand prior to college so she had an idea of what she was getting into. She has never been on food stamps, though certainly at first she wasn’t exactly rolling in money. We did let her live with us as she got on her feet, for a small rent charge. Her father, my ex, was not supportive of her plans, nor of her personally, and several years later, their relationship has still not recovered. Just a word of warning.
Sseamom, I am glad that your daughter has has success in her career path. The words of warning you give describe the situation we hope to avoid, and I appreciate your mentioning them. I guess it is all in how you describe “supportive” - I certainly don’t want to be dismissive or condescending toward my daughter, but on the other hand I don’t feel I need to pretend to be enthusiastic. Right now we have tried to remain neutral, make our expectations clear about keeping up with the class work and maintaining her good grades so that grad school is an option down the road. However, we also want to let her know, without seeming too harsh, that once she graduates, she comes home if she cannot find a job that is self supporting. She currently lives in a very cosmopolitan city known for its cuisine and many people (my husband and I included!) would love to live the life she has lived there as an undergrad. Being a chef where she lives now is very “sexy” - coming home and living in her childhood bedroom while she works her way up the ladder, not so much so. I am not so sure she isn’t exoecting to maintain the former, and thinking we will still contribute financially even after she graduates.
Another consideration in this change of course his that is there any wisdom to discussing with her a change in minor at this point in her undergraduate career? Her current major is psych, with a science related minor. She could switch her minor to a marketing minor or something that is more business related, which might be useful if she intends on pursuing a career in the Business world, perhaps in the food and beverage industry. Or does a sudden change in coursework toward the end of an undergraduate career look bad on grad school applications? Might it be better to just graduate with a transcript that is linear, albeit clearly geared to a career in the sciences, have a year working in the real world, and then apply to graduate programs in management or business?
My nephew-in-law is a chef. He didn’t have any formal training (went to a well respected LAC and I have no idea what his major was) but was always cooking for people. First job was as a sous chef at a pizzeria connected to one of the top Italian restaurants in SF. Worked his way up to chef & manager. Owners sent him to Italy for 3 months to take classes - were he cooked one night for Alice Waters (a highlight for him.) They moved back east after several years and he had sous chef position in a great NYC restaurant. He was hired away by one of their regular customers to be her private chef. This was very good for his family life since he had regular hours but it was lonely cooking for one person. He left that and got a job with Danny Meyer’s restaurant group as head of their test kitchen, where he has been for several years now. He just added on top of that manager of the cafe at the 911 Memorial Museum. It’s not a culinary standout kind of place but requires an extremely dignified atmosphere and menu so manager of the cafe an important position in the company. There was a huge outcry from survivors that there was even going to be a restaurant at all at the museum.
While he makes a very nice salary, along with my niece’s salary - they decided he would go back to his home state and work for his dad who is in the hospitality business because of the difficulty being able to buy a house in NYC area, the cost of day care/school there, etc.
The only thing that would concern me is your D’s lack of wanting to cook while home. My NIL loves to cook all the time.
Finish degree. Gives you the most options. Can she take some nutrition courses?
She should start working in a restaurant/food service (just like she would be volunteering in a hospital/shadowing for a medical career) so she knows what she is getting into.
What are her plans after she graduates from college? Does she want to go to a culinary school/community college? How will she pay for that?
Emilybee we also have a family member who has had a successful culinary career, he started as a cook and ultimately found himself managing the kitchen and all food service operations for an exclusive private high school in a major city. He has regular hours and summers off, his wife has the “high powered” career. (He never attended college.)
Our D has fallen in with a “foodie” crowd at college this past year and a half, a group of friends that enjoys throwing dinner parties for each other and trying new restaurants. A couple other kids in this group have managed to find some part time jobs as sous chefs or line cooks and I am quite certain this had given our D the idea she can do the same. She does cook when she is at her apartment, has dinner parties for her friends, posts lots of instagram pics of food she makes, etc. However, when she has been home with us she doesn’t touch the kitchen. She was home for 6 weeks over the summer and didn’t make one meal for our family. That is a huge red flag to me - I mean if you were truly passionate about cooking, wouldn’t you want to take advantage of having a fully equipped kitchen, a car to do your grocery shopping (rather than walking, subway or bus) and of course, someone else paying for the groceries?
Blenheim, you can tie yourself up in knots wondering if the foodie thing is a fad, when it will pass, does she really understand what it takes to become successful in this field, etc. but my counsel (now that my kids are well past this stage) is to keep your powder dry. One of my kids changed majors virtually every month up until first semester of junior year (when things settled down). One of my kids is in a field where people actually go “huh?” when they hear where he went to college and what he studied.
So my advice is to chill. You have every right to maintain whatever limits/restrictions/rules on support you outlined before she began college (in our case it was “8 semesters and we are done. Our love for you is infinite and our emotional support is unending, but we will pay for 8 semesters of college. Anything after that- failing a course, switching majors, transferring, taking a break- all of which happen even to the best planner- is on you, so figure it out.”)
So whatever you told her upfront- IMHO those rules don’t change.
And then step back. She wouldn’t be the first pre-med to realize her heart isn’t in it- in which case better now than later (I just interviewed someone for an entry level corporate job. He is board certified in his specialty and was the first person in his immediate family to go to college.). And she wouldn’t be the first person to be tempted by a more creative sounding field (chef, sculpture, comedy writer- don’t these sound more fun than hanging out in a pathology lab looking at fuzzy masses in someone’s abdomen?)
Keep your powder dry. I predict this isn’t the last act. Smile and nod, remind her of your “deal” whatever that was in terms of financing, and let her figure it out. In the case of one of my kids- usually not an entitled person by any means- we did need a couple of reminders that with an empty bedroom at home, there would be zero rent subsidies coming from us. If we were feeling generous, we might throw in a bus pass. But mom and dad needed the two cars to get to work; certainly didn’t have the cash to fund an apartment in some cool city with friends, so if there was going to be a cool lifestyle after college, it would require a job and a plan-- otherwise, the empty bedroom beckons, and a survival type job in our decidedly non-cool city.
Bopper, that is basically what we have told her and a plan she agreed with just a week ago. However, she now is proposing taking an extra heavy load of classes fall term so she can graduate a semester early so she can start working in a kitchen full time sooner rather than later. It is this recent development that raises the most concern for her father and me - it suggests an almost manic need to get out of school as quickly as possible and pursue this new found passion. Piling all the remaining classes she needs to graduate into one semester does not reflect a commitment to her classes and the agreement we had that she continue to make her schoolwork and her grades her priority.
Blossom thank you for your words of wisdom speaking from experience! Though my disjointed posts may not totally reflect it, your philosophy is pretty much ours as well. We are not in a panic here, and have no problem with her spending a couple of years post undergrad exploring this field or whatever field may end up interesting her during that time. The wrinkle here is, to paraphrase your post, maintaining the rules of support that we set out when she started college. When medical school was the ultimate goal, we indicated we would be willing to provide support for living expenses while she was in medical school. and the tuition for medical school would be her responsibility. However we do not feel the same way about covering her living expenses while she explores a career in the culinary arts. It is a different ballgame, and we feel that one of the things she may not fully appreciate is the challenges of living on a chef’s salary. Providing financial support of any kind while she dips her toes in these waters shields her from this reality. Though we will hold her bedroom open for her for a period of time if that is what she chooses.