Change of Heart

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

I’m wondering if other parents have dealt with a child who has had a sudden change of heart about applying to BS for the following year. For months, my current 7th grader has talked about applying to boarding schools. His brother, S1, is currently in 9th grade at a BS, and S2 has spent the last few months compiling a list of 4-5 schools that he has been interested in applying to for Fall 2020. I even scheduled and paid for an April 27th SSAT so we can get a baseline score and figure what he needs to work on over the summer. We had also begun some prep work for the test so he’s not going in totally blind next week.

Suddenly, in the past week, he’s announced that he doesn’t want to visit, interview or apply anywhere, and that he wants to stay at his local public school. He’s made friends at LPS and he doesn’t want to leave them. To give some background, he was at a small private school from preschool to 6th grade. Starting in 5th grade we saw behavior of the other kids really start to deteriorate, and bullying began. During 6th grade he was a prime target for bullies, and the “community” we had established over a 10 year time period just dissolved. This year he started in our local public school which is 10x larger than his previous private school. Academics have been good, and he has not dealt with any bullying. So I do understand that he’s probably feeling reluctant to start all over again. And maybe he feels so betrayed by his private school friends that he feels like that will happen again at a private high school.

To be clear, I will NOT force him to visit, apply or attend any school that he does not want to go to. I asked him if he would consider going to a couple open houses so he could get a feel for some schools without any commitment to an interview or application. He didn’t give me an enthusiastic response to that question. It’s like he’s shut the door on it entirely.

Certainly I understand that BS is not for everyone. If he stays at our HUGE LPS for HS he’ll probably be alright. But I know the academic, cultural and athletic opportunities he would have at BS would far exceed the ones he will have at our HS of 3000+ kids. Kids can forget about playing on any of their sports teams unless they have been playing the sport almost exclusively since age 5. Every sports team in our local HS is a year round commitment, and that just makes me sad. Our area has an unhealthy sports culture and it is really just sickening.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to just play it cool since his recent announcement. I told him he is still taking the SSAT this Saturday since I already paid for it. Besides the test, I feel like I need to let the subject go for a while and see if he comes around during the summer months. I did tell him that I would not make him go to any school that he did not want to attend. But along those same lines, if he doesn’t look around or apply anywhere next year, then the ONLY option would be the public high school for at least 9th grade. Has anyone else experienced this on the eve of (or in the middle of) application season?

2

Back off for the rest of the year. This summer you can remind him that deciding to consider… or even deciding to apply, is NOT the same as deciding to attend.

3

Maybe having his brother home this summer will help - he can tell him all the things he loved about his first year at school!

4

It sounds like you really have finger on the pulse of the situation. I live in a big sports area as well - the pigeon holing starts early and it can be stifling in many ways. I can imagine a number of things happening - one of which would be when the LPS kids ask/know that his older sib goes to BS, “wow! That’s so cool. It’s a really good school… Why are you here?” Kids can be brutal. As you have said, lay back on the BS idea,… but bring him to rivalry games and weekends at the older child’s school. Let him sleep spend the night in the dorm. Once he compares the LPS to BS he will be able to make a more informed decision.

5

DS had a friend who was forced to follow his older sibling to BS. He had a fun enough freshman year but decided he’d be happier in his excellent LPS and returned to it. It worked out fine for him (including great college matriculation.) So I would tell him that’s an option but let’s see what the others are.

I would suggest looking at some BS with different cultures than the one where his older sibling is. It’s possible that he feels that one isn’t a great fit for him and he’s extrapolating that out to other schools.

I also fully understand not wanting to switch schools again. Sounds like you understand his concerns. Keep listening!

6

It happened in our family. GK2 was all about applying to GK1’s BS - until he wasn’t. He just wasn’t ready to leave home, and he had concerns about managing his health condition away from family. We listened and let him apply to a local BS as a day student. He is now happily looking forward to starting 9th grade there. As others above, I would advise to back off and keep listening (but you’re already doing that, so all is good). You may hear valid concerns and have a change of heart yourself. Even if he doesn’t articulate it well, you know that attending BS takes a lot of maturity and independence, and not all kids are ready for it at the same age. Just follow his lead. Good luck!

7

Thank you for the replies. I am going to back off for now and keep listening. Maybe he will come around to exploring schools in the fall. I wish we had better private day school options in our area, but they are quite limited. The only real option would require a hefty commute and would not be a good fit socially for him.

8

Backing off seems like a good idea. DS started to show a little nerves when things started “getting real” after his admissions. It made sense to me when you start to think about leaving friends, teams, and a community you’ve known for while to venture into the unknown. He is still excited and eager to go but for the first time since BS crossed his mind, I can see the concern about what he is leaving behind.

Give it time until the fall.