I agree that the kids should have the final say when possible, but I also think that sometimes parents know their kids better than the kids know themselves. My son was picking between a pretty large out of state school that had a heavy sports presence, and a smaller school, which may have a less known name but is a very good school. He was leaning toward the larger school, with no money (and he had and has 0 interest on sports). I asked him to think about the smaller school, where he got money, because it really seemed like the better fit for him, and changing to the larger school should have been easy if that’s what he wanted to do after a year, but the smaller school would not have offered money as a transfer. (The difference in price was really negligible, if you consider possible AP credit and things like that, as a freshman, but we could not have afforded full pay at smaller school). He has thrived at the smaller school, and is loving his experience there.
If cost is a factor then the parents have a say. If it truly isn’t a factor as the OP stated, then the son should decide. IMO parents should not let their kids even apply to a school they are not comfortable with so once the acceptances and finances are sorted out, it should be the student’s choice.
I do not know anything about these schools. I know a lot about being pre-med though.
If Med. school is in a plan, it does not matter what college the kid is attending. Medical Schools adcoms do not care. They care a lot about college GPA, MCAT score, medical ECs and social personality. Choose the school that is cheapest and fits student personality and wide range of interests the best. Happy kid is more likely to produce “happy” results than the on in misery. I am a parent of medical student who is graduating in May. My D. went to college where she “felt at home”. Choose it after long and careful research based primarily on multiple visits. Her experiences there went well beoynd our expectations. This in-state public also happened to be tution free for her. She had fabulous time there had great choices of Med. Schools at the end, including top 20s.
Looking back, one thing is important for the Medical School admission - having great pre-med committee at college. You can check it out by talking to current pre-meds. This made a significant positive impact on my D’s Medical School application cycle.
@SQBrit: That’s the most encouraging part of your post. It sounds as if your son has been thoughtful about this and has good reasons for his preference, and that should give you more confidence about trusting his instincts.
In a similar circumstance a couple of years ago, I was surprised to hear that my older boy wanted to apply ED to a school that I didn’t think was at the top of his list. So I spent about half an hour going full Socratic method on him** about the reasons for his preference and why he picked it over another school that I had guessed was going to be his top choice based on what he had been expressing about his criteria. But he had good, thoughtful answers to all of my questions, and it was clear to me that we needed to trust his judgment.
In your shoes, I guess the one additional question I would ask is this: “Would you still prefer School X over School Y if you decide to change your major?” That could either provide clarity or provoke a useful conversation.
** This is one of many reasons my son is thriving at his ED school and happy to be living quite far away from me.
All - I really appreciate your comments and I have read them carefully. The consensus is that the student should have the final say, all other factors being equal. I think some of you assume that DS favors the OOS more expensive school and the parents favor the IS less expensive school although that was not stated. That seems to be behind the statement, “why would you let your son apply to a school that you did not approve?” Would you have said that about the IS flagship school?
@SomeOldGuy - DS’s arguments are persuasive but they are not based on facts or reasoning but emotion and feelings. As loving parents we place a lot of importance on that (especially for a son that is not very verbally expressive). Our quandary is… how much importance?
Finally, I recognise that both schools are similar in some ways and very dissimilar in others. The main one being location/distance. That is just how it worked out - DS was waitlisted to 3 other schools. However, they are both good schools and I’m sure DS would do well in both.
Someone said above that the time comes to trust the kid’s instinct. When money is not a factor, even if the decision seems contrary to logic, maybe there is something there? Talking it over again (I am sure you are doing this a lot!) may get at some quality of life or academic issues that are underlying tipping points for your kid.
I also think it’s important to validate their instinct to choose what they need for their own development at this time. Again, assuming money is not a deciding factor. But in the long run letting your kid know that you trust them to make their own life decisions will make them take more ownership of those decisions.
My daughter got accepted to a bunch of places, and in the end it came down to two. They were essentially equal in “quality” as well as cost, but different in the setting, perhaps strength in certain academic areas (though the “weaker” one is a place 99.999% of kids would be thrilled to go to). My husband felt that the non-chosen school was “better” and made his case, but my daughter made her choice for her own reasons. I cannot imagine “forcing” her to go to the other school.
Ok I’m a kid who just went through this exact experience. My parents who couldn’t be more analytical and had me create pro con lists. I had an in-state option, OOS public w no money, and OOS private with some money. I tried to get my parents to tell me what they thought was best. No dice. They said all my choices met the criteria they set going in and I was the one who was going, not them. In the end, my decision was the in state one based only on me closing my eyes and picturing myself in two years. I’m a football player, offensive line, and emotions aren’t my strong suit but that’s what ruled my decision. I swear I saw a smile on my mom’s face as she walked away.
I think the student should choose when you are choosing between two good schools and the cost is the same.
I think parents who are paying for the education should have the right to nix a choice that is totally unacceptable to them for some (hopefully legitimate) reason. However, that discussion should have been had at the time of applications. If the schools under consideration are in the realm of acceptable / tolerable by the parents, then they can and should express their opinions and the reasons for their preferences, but after that it should be the student’s final decision and the parents should fully support it going forward. The choice of college or university will likely have a major and long-term impact on the student’s life – not the parents’ lives – and so the student should be able to choose. By the way, my views are reversed when it comes to choosing high schools (if such a choice is being made). At that age, the child should have a role and an input, but the final decision should rest with the parents (hopefully keeping in mind the opinion of the child). By the time the student reaches college age, they should be able to make important decisions for themselves (as well as accept the consequences of those decisions). If the parents force a choice, the student won’t wholly “own” the decision and the experience. Any problem or difficulty at the school can be blamed on the parents for forcing this school.
It should be a compromise. Talk together until you gain consensus.
Given these circumstances, the kid; absolutely. It’s his life.
I just want to clarify one thing the OP said. He/she said “the parents are paying”…and “cost is neutral”. That does not mean that cost doesn’t matter.
This is a tough situation, since, if the parents are indeed paying for college, they want input to their “investment”. On the other hand, the student is the one who is attending and has to be comfortable with the setting. With that said, and as I am a logical peron and going through this with our child, both saids should have legitimate reasons for their choice and should work together to come to a consensus.
If the “cost is neutral” and the two institutions are comparable in quality (in different ways), I agree that the kid should have the final say.
If cost difference isn’t huge, then kid should have the final say.
If the cost difference is really huge, then the Golden Rule prevails:
He who’s got the gold makes the rules…
Even though I am a student, I think parents do have a say since they are paying. My mom already said I cant go to a college she does not approve of and I think it is fair.
But she did tell you what she does not approve of (or what conditions she has for approval, such as net price after financial aid and scholarships) before you applied, so that you do not waste effort applying to schools that she will veto later?
I haven’t read everything but I’m going with @mathmom. If you, the parent, push a kid into attending a school that the kid doesn’t want to attend, you are going to be blamed forever if the school doesn’t end up being a positive experience. If cost is not a factor, let the kid decide and live with the decision.
Well I am jr so I have not applied but yes, she will say so before application time. May seem strict but I am fine with iy
Re #38
Much better for parents to tell you before you apply rather than waiting until April of senior year.