College Admissions Endangers H.S. Friendships

Parent Cafe
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<p>The below was published in Newsweek's April 19 issue, and is good to read now.</p>

<p>"When Your Friends Become the Enemy
The battle to get into a good school is so brutal, even the strongest relationships fall apart
Admission mission: Hannah Friedman says college ambition can be hazardous to high-school friendships
By Hannah Friedman
Newsweek
April 19 issue - </p>

<p>I have not eaten in the dining hall during my lunch hour since the beginning of my senior year of high school last September. I have adopted this hour, which for most students remains a frenzy of gossip and greasy french fries, as a time to catch up on work or scribble in my journal.</p>

<p>It might seem like strange behavior for a teenager whose goal for the past three years has been to fit in with her peers. But when the college-application process began, I felt as if I had no other choice. The giggly familiarity that had once pervaded the hallways of my prep school quickly morphed into a backstabbing mentality that consumed cheerleaders and calculus whizzes alike."</p>

<p><a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4710004/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4710004/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>I remember that article as well as my amazement at its message. I don't know about prep schools, but at my S's school there does not seem to be any of that. My S has not worn his new college sweatshirt out of consideration for those of his classmates, including some he is not particularly close to, who got deferred or rejected not just by his college but by other colleges where they applied. He tells me no one else has been wearing college sweatshirts or making a big deal out of being accepted EA.</p>

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<p>I suppose this kind of mentality could be true in some schools, but not in my daughter's. She attends a parochial college prep school. This year, four kids applied to Columbia ED. Four got in. No tension or backstabbing. Five applied early to Cornell. Four got in; one was deferred. No rivalry there. Two applied early to Georgetown. One got in and one was deferred; those two girls aren't enemies. The ED and RD Barnard girls aren't backstabbing each other. I don't know if there's something particular about the culture of my daughter's school that discourages rivalry. Perhaps it's because they don't rank, they don't have valedictorians and salutatorians, and they give out prizes on a separate day from graduation so as to be "ranking" students on graduation day.</p>

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<p>I remember this article - frankly I think it was "creative writing". I have seen nothing like this in my son's school. The kids are all really supportive of each other, which I think is the norm in most high schools from what I've heard.</p>

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<p>Last year when my D and a friend were trying for admission to a certain school, D was accepted and the friend (who had applied ED) was not. The parents of D's friend stopped talking to us as if we had stolen their child's spot. It was very uncomfortable being given a mere "hello" when a full conversation had heretofore always occurred. After a year of this treatment we just gave up and moved on. It was really an incredible display of envy. D's friend was accepted at another top notch school but it wasn't the one picked by her parents. God only knows how the mother will deal with sorority rush if her daughter doesn't get into the mother's sorority. I laugh when I hear about people crying because they didn't get a bid.</p>

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<p>Marite,</p>

<p>It appears that you have raised an extremely sensitive and compassionate young man--not at all surprising given the level of support and compassion YOU bring to this forum regularly. :-)</p>

<p>Do I think that this type of behavior exists in some schools? You betcha! Petty jealousy is evident thoughout the school process in academcs, sports, and certain extracurricular activities (like drama, for example, in which my daughters are involved).</p>

<p>To those of you who have not seen or experienced this: Kudos! You have raised children who were properly taught that friendship and kindness carry more import than winning. And they have selected their friends wisely.</p>

<p>My own son goes to a school which almost NEVER even attempts an ivy league application. The SINGLE MOST important factor in his quick emotional rebound was the unwavering support his friends showed him after Yale "kicked sand in his face". That they were GENUINELY shocked and perplexed helped him a great deal. To them, he was still their "academic hero". But you see, he had ALWAYS stood in staunch support of them, some of whom have been the local sports heros for the past 4-6 years.</p>

<p>I guess that it pretty much comes down to the idea that you usually receive what you are willing give. ~berurah</p>

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<p>I remember reading the article and thinking that it's main purpose was to allow the author to brag publicly about her acceptance to Yale.</p>

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<p>Its not totally offbase. Last year, one of my friends got jealous about college acceptances. The friendship had been having some troubles a bit already, I think, but they really started when I got accepted to Cornell ED. Then he was waitlisted regular decision and it really went downhill from there. For the most part, though, people are supportive and happy for eachother.</p>

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<p>searchingavalon,
My D is at a similar school with a similar atmosphere & very similar policies. I do think it helps, though, that the parents are contributing in a parallel positive way. The senior class is small in any case at this school, & the girls applying to the top colleges are all extremely close & essentially best friends. Every student knows everything about each student's strengths & there's a lot of respect abundantly shared. I think if we parents were not also working hard to refrain from gloating, to continue supporting & cheering the deferred & the seekers (fortunately there have been no rejections yet), there could be tension among the girls.</p>

<p>I have been in non-academic settings where childhood friendships are affected by rivalry between/among parents, esp. mothers. Just look at the worlds of ice skating, dance, gymnastics, cheerleading, & the like -- sometimes even sports like soccer & swimming: Things can get vicious where mothers (especially) over-identify.</p>

<p>I have mixed feelings about non-ranking. My D's class is so small & so top-heavy with extraordinarily accomplished girls, that others have said it would be "meaningless" to rank. (And indeed, 3 girls essentially tie for top spot!) That can be similarly true at a huge school consisting mostly of overachievers. Nevertheless, I tend to support the concept of (private) ranking that is never shared with the students & is juxtaposed with the h.s.'s profile sent to the colleges. That is simply for the practical purpose of college admissions, since it seems to matter more for some colleges than for others.</p>

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<p>This is also not a common problem at our suburban public high school.</p>

<p>However, one such case that my daughter recalls was with students who were involved in theater. These two girls always competed for the "leads" in the school plays. (Their moms also competed -- typical stage door moms.) When the kids applied to college, one went to Northwestern and the other to NYU (Tisch). This separation was good. However, after freshman year the one who had enrolled at Northwestern transferred to NYU. Rivalry revived. Now the two are both graduated from Tisch, and while not directly competing against one another in the larger theater/acting world find themselves always being compared to one another -- who is getting parts, who is more successful. And it affects the relationships also between their (former) high school classmates. These rivalries can linger!</p>

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<p>The article is a little over the top, but to a certain extent this ocurrs at my very competitive public high school.</p>

<p>If you think about it, it's hard for it not to. The college application is supposed to display as many sides of you as possible, so when I was deferred and one of my good friends wasn't, I (and others in my position) felt that it was the equivalent of someone saying, "After having taken into consideration as many aspects of your entire lives as possible, we have determined that A is a better person than B." Unfortunately, I'm not as good friends with B right now.</p>

<p>The other problem is that in the lapse between early decisions and second semester, the lives of kids who got in are much different than those who haven't. They strut around (to our great annoyance) in their college sweatshirts, don't have to frantically study in the cafeteria with us, and are generally more relaxed. I find it hard to relate to a student like that becuase our lives are no longer as similar as they used to be. I'm not saying that we can't be friends, and I'm sure once the envy recedes we will be, but still.</p>

<p>Something that article overlooked is that being deferred/rejected also brings kids together. I've become much closer with some kids simply because we're in the same boat now, and can relate to each other much better than an accepted friend or even, dare i say, parent, can.</p>

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<p>I think this is mostly reflective of her and her friends.</p>

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<p>I agree with bettina.</p>

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<p>Heck, I wouldn't really call them "friends"</p>

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<p>This is very hard subject to deal with. Last year my son and his best friend applied to the same Ivy ED, both were deferred. As parents, both sets, we were relieved that both boys "suffered" the same exact fate, as they were able to boost each others spirits and find excitement in completing all the other apps that they had to fill out. As it turned out, both boys wound up as roomates at the same college -- and they could not be happier.</p>

<p>But that is not always the case. Another friend had his heart set on Pomona. He applied Ed and was deferred, and then rejected RD. At the same time, my son was accepted off the Pomona WL and decided not to go there. This "friend" and his parents have acted like my son "stole" his spot, which of course is not the case.</p>

<p>But, emotions run high, and parents sometimes have too much of their own ego wrapped up in the admissions game. This volitile combination can lead to erputions and the loss of friendships. Sad, but true.</p>

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<p>berurah:</p>

<p>Thank for your kind words. I think they should extend to all of my S's classmates. They have been supportive of one another. I think it has a lot to do with the school's culture.</p>

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<p>This is an amusing thread. My wife and her women friends do not discuss theses matters amongst themselves at all. It's considered impolite to even ask about what college their children are considering. Everything is kept very hush-hush. On the other hand, the husbands discuss it openly with each other all the time. (But only when the women folk aren’t around. Else we get ourselves in trouble.) lol</p>

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<p>It doesn't stop at college. It continues, as long as people think that no one "deserves" better than they do.</p>

<p>I have several friends who were suprisingly ungracious about another friend's great good fortune of making a fortune literally in a fairly short period of time. Sometimes there are some things to complain about if the person was actually dishonest or otherswise cheated to aceive his gain. Most often, the complaining is sour grapes.</p>

<p>During pledge week someone at our church gave a great routine from an old Eddie Cantor radio show about an exchange between two old friends that developed about sharing things.</p>

<p>Tom: "Ed, I've been thinking. If you had two houses, would you give me one of them?"</p>

<p>Ed: "We'll, I hadn't given that type of question much thought, but now that you ask it.....yes, I sure would give you one."</p>

<p>Tom: "And if you had two cars, would you give me one of them? "</p>

<p>Ed: Well, of course. I certainly would. "</p>

<p>Tom: "And so if you had two shirts, you'd give me one of them too, right?"</p>

<p>Ed: "Well,........no."</p>

<p>TOM: "NO!? Why not?!</p>

<p>Ed "Well, because I have two shirts."</p>

<p>Sorry for the story, but I really enjoyed it, and it does drive home the fact that sometimes what we think we would act like, or how we think we would feel in a certain situation is not always the way it might actually turn out.</p>

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<p>Speaking as a high school student I see this go around a lot, especially now that I am old enough to pick up on it. This will be the last year our high school names a val or sal and there are 3 girls that sometimes you just have to giggle about... Although they have been friends for years and in the same EC's and gifted classes, when it hit junior year and they figured out they were competing for the same honors, scholorships, and places at schools, the Golden Trio turned catty and now talk behind each others backs constantly and juggle classes to reap the val rewards</p>

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<p>The problem is often with the parents rather than the kids, I think. There are some who have kid's stats memorized and if they feel someone is upsetting the academic hierarchy, they go nuts. Strangely enough, the legacy, celebrity, athlete preferences are usually considered sacrosanct and it is the other holistic factors that tip the Test scores and grades profile that make them crazy.</p>