college anxiety! Long post warning

College Life
1

It could be long post!

Well, I know that the priority of college is an education, and this is the only reason my parent would pay me for the skyrocketing tuition fees of University of California. However, I am also aware of the fact that social life would be main factor of a successful college life. I used to hear that college friend is the real friend; While you can still hang out with your high school friends one day, you would be totally different from who you were during high school. The college experience would fundamentally change you.

I am a shy Asian guy, an upcoming freshman at UCSB, and have just come back to my home from an orientation; It was not a pleasing experience. While most of those at orientation seemed already to form some groups, I did not. I was a kind of outcast, I guess. It does not mean I did not make any acqueitenance (Sorry for misspelling. English is not my first language, and I came to USA three years ago from Korea.) I followed my teacher’s recommendation, and it worked on some boys: Approach to strangers, ask them how it is going, and befriend in Instagram. I did, indeed. But as for girls, well, it was not working that much, I guess. They were generally nice to me, and still, it became awkward, probably because of the Instagram (I should have not done that, to be honest. It must be too fast to ask in the very first conversation.) Even there was one girl who unfollowed me right after the end of the orientation (This petty event could sound a lot, as long as that happens to an introvert person, like me…)

Now, I am afraid of not making any friends at college, and to my heart, of not enjoying my college four years…

The main problem, of which I am pretty aware, is that I do not know how to approach to people; I have been all like that throughout my life. I was the black sheep from my family; While no one has ever told me so, I can feel that. From the family where both parent graduate from the best university in Korea, seemingly moronic, needed son could not have any spot. I still remember that once I got one over ten in spelling test, and it shocked my mother to the point where she was crying over in front of me, babbling “What was wrong with me”…some kind of stuff like that. It was no good memories…
To worse, I think my lagging in an education made me look pretty stupid to my friends. I had never had friends until fourth grade, unless you can refer to TV as your friend. And even since then, the social life was agonized in my heart. In seventh grade, I was bullied by some jocks. It was not really long, around four months, nor was it that severe, no physical touch other than a bang on my back without reason. Still, it destroyed my personality, my life, and my whole self enough for me to think of suicide once. I do not forget until now that what they made fun of me; It was horrible.

I think this consecutive events finally imprisoned myself into comfort zone. I have not tried to make new friends, because I am afraid of making mistakes on them, because I am afraid of losing them. There were several my friends since seventh grade, with whom I hung out almost every week, but I did not make them as friends, they did me. Also, there were apparently a chunk of classmates who were mean to no one but me, though I was fine with that. You know there are always some people who are mean to you.

I cannot say I do not have friends. There were always several peers who would approach to me, some white girls, some white men, other asians…including all race. To be honest with you, I do not know still why they want to be friend with me. I am not handsome, I have since the baby considered myself as an ugly, wanky Asian guy.

The most frightening nightmare is that what if there is no one who wants to be friend with me? I somehow made several friends throughout middle school and high school, but what if not in college? I do not know how to approach to people. While I tried at the orientation my teacher’s advice, it did not work well. What should I do?
Also, I do not know how to treat women properly. There were some girls who were nice to me, said hello to me on the hall way, and seemed to want to get closer with me (They hug me, or they asked me to walk together.) However, they eventually turned on me. I do not know why, but probably, because I did not treat them well, so shy.
Girl: “My name, you cut your hair!” Me “…” just nodded. What should I say more? One time, several white girls came near to me, talking to me, but I just moved away from them. There was one girl who said “Bye, bye” in front of all members in cross country camp, but I just looked back once and left. She had kept saying ‘hi’ or something like that, and still, I just did not open my mouth, or just murmured back, “…hey…” I know it’s not nice; Nonetheless, I do not know how to fix my problems. I really want to change myself, but I found it incredibly hard…

Thanks for reading the whole post!

2

@WannabeNovelist hey there! First, just let me say college is a tough time and things will get better.

College students face this situation so often that all college have mental health staff to help student deal with anxiety and life skills. Much like students need to learn to get help with courses and attend office hours, many students need to learn to reach out for help with mental health professionals.

I truly believe this is a great way to achieve the goals you have set for yourself. Go get some help and give it enough time to work, you’ll be in a much better place soon!

Good luck!

3

I’m sorry that you’re feeling troubled in your social life. All of us are a little awkward from time to time. Try to relax and let your guard down a little bit. It sounds like people want to be friends with you!

The end of your post about the girl and your haircut is a good place to start. Instead of just nodding, try to match people’s enthusiasm. You could say something equal in tone and length to her comment, like
“Yeah, I cut it on Saturday! It’s a little bit shorter than I wanted it, I think the lady that cut it was new.”

Adding a little bit more to your conversations like that makes you seem happier, friendlier, and ready to talk. Most of the people in college want to make friends just as much as you want to make friends! If you’re friendly and match the interest of the person that you’re talking to, people will really appreciate it.

Try not to stress out too much or force friendships. Join clubs, go to social gatherings, and find people with similar interests to yours. Most people will be friendlier than you expect.

Best of luck going forward- and congrats on getting into UCSB!

4

@psywar Thank you for replying! I also hope that the time will help me in some way! I did have a difficulty in transition from Korea to USA at first, but it got better day by day. I wish the transition between college and high school would be similar…I really appreciate your comment.

5

@newkidnewtrix Fist, thank you! I’m really excited for new start of my life! Yes, I will def join some clubs, as well as intramural sport team. However, I’m not sure whether that would really help me or nor. I think being Asian has some disadvantage. Probably because of the stereotypes, non Asian people, especially non Asian girls, tend to be cautious about Asian guys at first. That is actually horrible for me, since I’m having struggles over approaches to new people…

6

I was very shy, my daughter is now also very shy. I wish I could tell her and convince her of the truth that I learned as I became an adult - to not worry so much about what others think of you - because they really aren’t thinking you’re weird or judging you, they are too busy worrying about what people are thinking about them!

BTW, you are not dumb - your Mom was mean to say those things to you - if you were dumb you wouldn’t have been admitted to UCSB.

If I were you, I would just be friendly - not too friendly, but always great people with a smile and say hi. Think of some general things to say to people after a greeting - like “how’s your day going?”. “Did you do anything fun last weekend?”. “What do you think about this class?” People always like to talk about themselves. Then just keep working on little conversations until you get comfortable talking to people. Once someone seems like they enjoy talking to you, ask them if they want to hang out and play video games or go out for pizza or something sometime. I know it’s hard when you feel so awkward, but I can’t remember anyone I met in college who didn’t have any friends at all. I wouldn’t worry about girls and relationships right away - that’s too much pressure. Just focus on making connections as friends to both boys and girls.

Good luck, I hope that helps from one formerly shy and awkward person - My kids get mad at me now because I talk to everyone. It gets easier.

7

From what you’ve described, you may have a social skills weakness.
To simplify it, using language in social environments to meet and function for social needs is called pragmatics.
http://www.asha.org/public/speech/development/Pragmatics/

It can be part of a disability that is treatable, but you have to be willing to do some social exercises.

You can go to UCSB Health Services and describe what you described here. As a student, your therapy is covered by the university. They can help you with your social skills if you need some social skills therapy. Good luck!

8

First, take a deep breath. I can hear your anxiety in your words. You need to start by truly believing everything is ok, will be ok and that you are ok.

Please don’t stress that you don’t feel connected with anyone after orientation. Orientation is a short experience and making friends and connections takes time. Focus on your classes and what you need to do to get settled in college, smile, be kind and friendly and friends will naturally be made along the way. Not to say that others haven’t given you some good advice - they have. You sounds smart - try to relax and put the social skills you are learning to use.

I also think some of the negative feelings you describe are due to your culture. It is unfortunate that you feel “less than” from your upbringing. There is no need for that. Each person has value and is important no matter if they have a disability or are a genius. That is generally the belief in the American culture and you need to know that applies to you too as an Asian. If a child has a poor spelling test, most American mothers would comfort the child, tell him its ok and try to help the child for the next time. Try to let go of any inferior feelings you have about yourself. Its a new chapter, a new day and a new start for you.

In many ways although social media allows people to connect, I think it can be hurtful and stressful for people too. Such as noticing that somebody unfollowed you. Try not to look too deeply into that. The young lady may have done that just because she is nervous and unsure too.

It might be a good idea to set up a weekly visit with a counselor at your school so that you can talk about some of these things, have a person to share your social worries with and help you navigate your new social scene. Above all please believe in yourself and know that you are on the right path and that you have a great deal to offer to the world around you.

9

First, congratulations on UCSB! When I visited with my daughter it seemed like a very relaxed and friendly place.

It is wonderful that you recognize you aren’t where you want to be. There are definitely skills you can learn to become more comfortable in social situations, understand social cues, and make connections with others. There are also very effective techniques that will help you deal with the negative thoughts. I agree with those who suggest you begin counseling when you get to USCB. It will really help your transition. Getting involved in one or two organizations will be a wonderful way to meet others.

In the meantime, perhaps set a small goal - something you can do every day for a week. Perhaps be friendly to the cashier or server as you checkout (eye contact, say hello, small smile, thank you, etc.). Next week, build on that and try something else. Take small steps to develop a different perspective, and understand that there will be some setbacks. Not everyone will respond positively, but it may have nothing to do with you. They may just be having a bad day. There are many websites with suggestions (just google introvert, shyness or social anxiety).

Above all, take a deep breath and try not to put too much pressure on yourself. That can make you seem very intense which can put people off when just casually talking. I know it’s easier said than done, so I will say again - take small steps.

Rather than focus on finding a group of friends right away, consider that it’s okay to build a circle of acquaintances as you start college. Practice looking outward, not focusing on how people are viewing you, but determine what about them is interesting. In other words, don’t try to figure out if they want to be friends with you, figure out if YOU want to be friends with THEM. Have a few icebreaker questions ready - “where are you from” or “what made you decide to come to UCSB besides the beach?” Friendships will grow as you find you have shared interests. Also, avoid asking people for Instagram connections right away, particularly women.

10

Don’t worry too much, as others have said. Just as you “somehow” made friends in middle school and high school, it will happen in college. New students come in every semester, so you’ll always have the opportunity to make new friends. During orientation and the first few weeks in the semester, everyone is nervous, awkward, or even scared that they won’t make any friends, even if it doesn’t seem like it. If there are many international students at UCSB, it may be even easier, because a lot of international students go through your same struggle of not knowing the culture or the language and being nervous about making friends.

I am also a very shy and introverted person who had a lot of social anxiety during college. I mostly made friends by randomly asking two very extroverted people during orientation if they knew where a building was, and (once I learned we were going to the same place) if I could walk there with them. They make friends very easily, so I met a lot of people and made a lot of friends just by hanging out with them.

You can easily meet people during orientation by just asking if you can sit with them, eat with them, walk with them to X location, etc. (whatever they’re doing when you see them). It’s fine during orientation and the first weeks of college because everyone’s meeting new people. If they say, yes, then you can say, “I’m ______ (your name), by the way. How is the food (if they’re eating) or How are you liking this event?”

Some typical icebreaker questions you can ask people / you’ll get asked a lot in the first few conversations are: 1. Where are you from? 2. What do you want to study? 3. How are you enjoying orientation so far? 4. What classes are you planning on taking? 5. Was UCSB your first choice? 6. How was your day so far? 7. What are you doing after this? (This is a good question to ask if you’ve run out of things to talk about and there’s an awkward silence) 8. Where are you living on campus?

Then from there, you can ask follow-up questions, comment on what the other person said, or answer your own question: (For #1) What’s it like living there? or (For #2) Oh, that’s cool. I’m going to major in ______. or (For #4) I haven’t heard of that class. What is it about? If you’re talking to a whole group of people, just these few questions alone can lead to a long conversation without too much effort on your part. The good thing is that if the other people sense that you’re kind of quiet, many people will compensate by talking more, so don’t feel pressured to talk more than you’re comfortable with. As for women, it will get easier when you get more comfortable around people in general. You can meet them through friends you already have or at parties as well.

The most important thing to remember is that making conversation isn’t the same as being interviewed. In an interview, people are evaluating you and thus paying close attention to how you act and what you say. In a casual conversation, more often than not, people aren’t paying attention to each pause or stutter or awkward phrase. They are talking to you, therefore they want to get to know you, therefore they overlook a lot of the mistakes you’re overly conscious of. They are probably more worried about how awkward they sound!

Just be patient with yourself. Putting yourself out there and talking to people even though you don’t feel confident is the first step.

11

So orientation is a day or two of meeting people…you are trying to make friends quickly which is difficult for everyone.
This is what I suggest when you start school:

  1. During Orientation/first week, go to as many activities as you can. Ask people in your hall way if they are going. Introduce yourself…they are looking for friends too. “Hey, I am Pat…what are you majoring in?”

  2. Go to the Activities Fair and sign up for a bunch of clubs that are of interest. They may not all pan out, but don’t eliminate anything yet. If you are into music/D&D/running/church/whatever, you can find other people who are interested too. Service clubs are great because you spend time working together.

  3. Talk to the people on your floor…Get some cookies and offer them “Hey I have cookies, anyone want some?” and then strike up a conversation about where they are from, what they are majoring in, etc. People like to talk about themselves…let them. Don’t make it too long…move on to others.

  4. At dinner time, ask your roommate/people on your hall if they are going to dining hall. Go with them. See if people in your dorm generally sit in the same area… Join them.

  5. Go to any dorm activities your RA has set up. If you are still having issues, talk to your RA. See if they have ideas. If not suggest that they have one. Maybe a movie and pizza?

  6. Join your dorm’s intramural (or any intramural) team.

  7. Talk to others in your classes…exchange numbers so that if either of you miss you can exchange notes… Ask what someone got on a homework question (that you did too)…once you get to know them, ask if they want to form a study group.

  8. If this isn’t working, go to the Counseling Center…they are ready to help freshman this time of year. Don’t think you are a loser because you have to go…this is something you pay for! Get the benefit! You may need to learn some new social skills. They may also have group talks on Homesickness or fitting in.

  9. Go to ongoing campus activities…concerts/movies/lectures/parties. Invite someone/group of people or just sign up and meet people for activities that might be off campus.

  10. See if your dorm/floor has a GroupMe Group set up…otherwise suggest to someone who is extraverted that it might be a good idea. Then people can send a group text that they are showing a movie in the lounge or are baking cupcakes in the kitchen.

You may notice that all of these things take some action…they are not passive. You have to take initiative. But the risk is small…if someone says no, then just say “Maybe another time”.

12

The great thing about College is that there is a diverse population of people you can meet and many of them will be as anxious and nervous on the first day. While it may take time, I’m sure you will find people with some similar interests as you that you can connect with!

If you’re really worried about not being able to connect with many people, just break it down into two simple principles: Be Nice and Be Interesting. Don’t be mean/annoying to people and you won’t make any enemies. Be nice and interesting and people will enjoy being around you. A tip to be more interesting: Learn more things, read more, watch more, so you can have a conversation on interesting topics and be able to relate on many things. Also, even if you don’t have the greatest sense of humor, just be yourself! Don’t try to fake anything.

Helpful ending note-
“How to win friends and influence people”, by Dale Carnegie, is an exceptional book that has endured the test of time. Reading that might also help :slight_smile:

13

Talk to a psychotherapist on campus, you may try to look for an Asian one if there are any. Get some books on social skills. “The Art of Conversation” by Catherine Blyth is a nice little audiocourse on Audible. Talking to people is a skill that can and should be learned. Good luck!