College Application Satire Project

Applying to College
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<p>Alright, this is a little different than any other post on this site, I'm quite sure. In my AP English 12 class, we are currently doing satire projects. Typically, we've had a month to do them, and every single on of us has put it off until winter break (now) and it's due on Tuesday, I believe. Anyway. I've chosen to satire the college application process, more specifically, college applications themselves.</p>

<p>I was thinking of writing a mock up of a college application, but I'm not 100% sure how to go about it. So, I'm here to ask you, because I know that the people on CC are driven, motivated students (and I promise I'm not buttering you up in order to get help...okay, maybe just a little) and I know that you all probably have some really good ideas.</p>

<p>Thusfar, I've decided to definitely focus on the fact that the applications are extremely repetitive, and ask a lot of pointless information.</p>

<p>So, my question is...what bothers YOU the most about college applications?</p>

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<p>A satire college app is bloody brilliant…</p>

<p>A good place to start is the Gallagher essay, which is the best college essay that I have ever read. [SS</a> > jokes > Hugh Gallagher’s ‘College Essay’](<a href=“http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/susan/joke/essay.htm]SS”>SS > jokes > Hugh Gallagher's 'College Essay')</p>

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<p>I love that essay haha. I read it last year in English :)</p>

<p>What annoyed you the most about applications?</p>

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<p>I abhor the “Where else are you applying?” question. I’m applying to sixteen colleges and it’s none of your business!</p>

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<p>The pointless information that they required. The fact that you had to choose everything from a drop down menu rather than being able to describe your personal situation in your own terms; strict character limits; how hard they made it to do different versions of the commonapp et cetera.</p>

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<p>The Onion has 2 great satirical pieces about volunteering at homeless shelters as a way of padding a college application.</p>

<p>[Soup-Kitchen</a> Volunteers Hate College-Application-Padding Brat | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source](<a href=“http://www.theonion.com/articles/soupkitchen-volunteers-hate-collegeapplicationpadd,1422/]Soup-Kitchen”>Soup-Kitchen Volunteers Hate College-Application-Padding Brat)</p>

<p>[Closing</a> Of Homeless Shelter Leaves College-Application-Padding Students With Nowhere To Turn | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source](<a href=“http://www.theonion.com/articles/closing-of-homeless-shelter-leaves-collegeapplicat,2461/]Closing”>Closing Of Homeless Shelter Leaves College-Application-Padding Students With Nowhere To Turn)</p>

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<p>The fact that the common app asks you to report your SAT scores when I’m sure they know that we have to send them to colleges anyway…</p>

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<p>The fact that the “Common” App still requires that the student input personal information for all the supplements.</p>

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<p>The Why _____ essays. </p>

<p>C’mon a lot of people have never visited the school (and if they have it’s been for like one day) and can not even predict what their experiences will specifically be like. My Why _____ answer for the school I’m attending (sophomore now) is still changing, although only now is it starting to get somewhat more stable.</p>

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<p>You all make me so happy. Thank you all SO much. If anyone else has anything else, I’m more than happy to hear it! :slight_smile: I’ll post the finished product after I’m done haha.</p>

<p>Well, after I write the essay explaining why it’s satire. (AP English is a horrible, soul-eating class)</p>

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<p>Here’s one of my favorite satires on the whole college app process. I don’t know if this is really an MIT letter, but if it is, they deserve the ribbing.</p>

<p>"MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. The first letter is an honest-to-goodness mailing from MIT, the second is one prospective student’s reply:</p>

<p>Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567</p>

<p>Dear John:</p>

<p>You’ve got the grades. You’ve certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you’ve got a letter from MIT. Maybe you’re surprised. Most students would be.</p>

<p>But you’re not most students. And that’s exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.</p>

<p>The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!</p>

<p>Engineering’s not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.</p>

<p>What? Of course, you don’t want to be bored. Who does? Life here <em>is</em> tough <em>and</em> demanding, but it’s also <em>fun</em>. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.</p>

<p>You’re interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.</p>

<p>You think we’re too expensive? Don’t be too sure. We’ve got surprises for you there, too.</p>

<p>Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?</p>

<p>Sincerely,</p>

<p>Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions</p>

<p>P.S. If you’d like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, “Insight,” just check the appropriate box on the form.</p>

<p>May 5, 1994</p>

<p>Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307</p>

<p>Dear Michael:</p>

<p>You’ve got the reputation. You’ve certainly got the pomposity. And now you’ve got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you’re surprised. Most universities would be.</p>

<p>But you’re not most universities. And that’s exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only <em>one</em> of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.</p>

<p>The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan’s future education. It certainly got my attention!</p>

<p>Don’t want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.</p>

<p>What? Of course you don’t want egotistical jerks. Who does? I <em>am</em> self-indulgent <em>and</em> over confident, but I’m also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you’re laughing with him or at him.</p>

<p>You’re interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.</p>

<p>You think I can pay for your school? Don’t be too sure. I’ve got surprises for you there, too.</p>

<p>Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?</p>

<p>Sincerely,
John Mongan</p>

<p>P.S. If you’d like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, “John Mongan: What a Guy!” just ask.</p>

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<p>Common Application–</p>

<p>Due to inactivity, you have been logged out.</p>

<p>Could you stop it!!!</p>

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<p>application fees are the worst…and then right b4 Jan1 you find out u gotta send all your SAT scores for 10$ each -____-</p>

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<p>You’re all incredible <3</p>

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<p>The ridiculousness of the Activity section of the Common App. We spend so much time deep in our extracurriculars and are forced to limit them to vague categories and strict character limits. </p>

<p>The lack of a clear cut “instructions” list. Everything I learned about the application process has been through word of mouth or from my friends who are already in college, and CC. My guidance counselors are useless. I’m not surprised that people go “WAIT WE HAVE TO DO THIS TOO?!” or ask “WHEN DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SUBMITTED?”</p>

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<p>oh def the guidance couselors. I remember someone at my school saying, “They’re called guidance counselors becuase YOU guide your counselor”. That’s seriously how it went. I told him exactly what to do, step by step.</p>

<p>Also the interviews…They’re so pretentious, and they don’t even matter in the end. How about the phone interviews where they completely catch you off guard? I remember one lady called me when I was half asleep, and so I was so groggy at first…</p>

<p>Coming up with reasons as to why you want to go to a good school. Like Why Yale? And it’s like, because it’s yale…lol</p>

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<p>This is also very true: </p>

<p><a href=“http://www.xkcd.com/773/[/url]”>http://www.xkcd.com/773/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>Thank you all so much for all your help. This project came out a lot better than I thought it would! If any of you would like to see the finished product, let me know, and I’ll post it or pm it to you :)</p>

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<p>Please post it.</p>

<p>How about some questions about legacy status?</p>

<p>“Do you have a rich uncle who graduated from our college? Would you describe him as generous or vengeful?”</p>

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<p>I’ll post it as soon as I figure out where I can upload publisher files online :(</p>