<p>momoschki-
I understand how you feel-- I was around a bunch of MOG's yesterday (thats mothers of girls) and they were all chatting about how much of their apps were done!! AGGHHH!. The other issue for me is that this is round two for us (DS#1 is a college senior now). He was SO much more organized and self motivated. I didnt have to ride his ars to do this stuff. In fact, he was almost too intense about it-- DS#2 is a different creature entirely. I know we sill get through this, but its is soooo painful right now!</p>
<p>I have a D (jr.) and I am just starting to realize how much the opinions of friends can impact a view of a school. Two counselors from D's camp go to similar schools; one counselor is considered "mean" so that school (which we visited and she liked) goes off the radar, while other school which I picked as a good place for D (I'm not going to a school there!) is now the favorite because a nice and "fun" counselor is a recent graduate. Also, colleges that host Model UN similations get added or kicked off depending on the personalities of the students running them. I suppose this is just another version of "the campus is too flat"!</p>
<p>Hahaha! As a card carrying MOS I had to laugh. And yes D, was totally the opposite. And the cone of silence! As much as I adore S and love to talk to him, I find myself trying to get off gracefully when he calls because although I am a talker, I can't keep a conversation going! C'est domage!</p>
<p>About the teenage mind and its irrational turns. Sometimes I think it must be psychic premonition because more often than not, when the kid gets the "this is my school, I know it is" feeling, they're right. OP: Don't despair, not everyone gets this, or some deny it. Especially boys. I think the fault finding is laying the groundwork for plausible rationalizations if they don't get in. Yes, boys do think this way.</p>
<p>momoschki: Nice to talk to you again. Given the feelings you're seeing, decide on a reasonable number of schools to apply to and wait for acceptances. He may feel totally differently when he discovers the love goes both way. If not, you can worry about that then.</p>
<p>I triple what people have said about ED. He may not have the resources to deal with the disappointment if he is not accepted. This is crushing for some kids and makes it difficult to proceed with sending out the other applications. EA, however, is a different story. If there are any EA schools on your list, and they are not first choice schools and are somewhat safeties in stats, having an early acceptance may really help. However, if the EA school is highly desired it may produce the same boomerang result as ED rejection should he be rejected. Only you can take his temperature on this.</p>
<p>Good luck! It works out. If my son and his friends made it into college, and bet your son will too.</p>
<p>I had to enjoy visits, research etc. on my own because he was basically too stressed to do so. I think the fear of failure is so big for our boys. Add that to the fact that in terms of brain structure their emotional center and their verbal center are on opposite sides of the brain (girls have two verbal centers) they really can't put their feelings into words and often don't know what they're feeling. It does all work out, and then they end up running the world. Go figure!</p>
<p>"the more schools he sees (he has seen 5 now) the more confused he becomes."</p>
<p>I would be confused too. As a parent of a junior kid, I still don’t know which college to pick if I visit the campuses that have similar academic quality.</p>
<p>"the topography is "too flat""</p>
<p>I like this statement. I probably prefer a campus that has uphill and downhill buildings too.</p>
<p>jym626: Didn't see the lay off part either. As I've said elsewhere H's business needed an "infusion" just at the time DD had to go college. In my worst moments I think he planned it that way. I had saved (he's the spender, so it took some doing) the college money by completely paying off our mortage, so college was to be paid for by refinance. Uh now I had to give the money to H for business or it would have had to close its doors. My reason was to save H's entire sense of self-worth, even though it was still going to be in massive debt.</p>
<p>Guess what? Debt + high mortgage payments made us eligible for financial aid which we never would have been. I did have many stomach in knots moments when I even considered selling the house, but things have more or less worked and, and the happy thing is that both kids (S just a frosh) are at the first choice colleges which we are just about managing to pay for. I tell my students not to ask why I wear the same clothes all the time. Starbucks for coffee is often my "eating out" treat, haha, but it's all good.</p>
<p>So, heart goes out to you. How does it all work out? It's a mystery. (SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE.)</p>
<p>Mythmom - is that true about girls having two language centers in their brains - one to do with their feelings? Would make sense in my house.</p>
<p>Girl at age 8: In car, on the way to school. Breaks into tears. Mom - Honey why are you crying? Girl - Because it's Easter and we will have a hunt and I might get jelly beans and I Don't Like Jellybeans...</p>
<p>Son at age 8: On sofa, facing a situation that causes true personal distress. Son - Mom, my throat feels funny. Mom - Honey, that's called having feelings...</p>
<p><a href="The%20only%20thing%20that%20really%20matters%20is%20H's%20job%20-%20good%20luck%20with%20that%20one.">quote</a>
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<p>True that! Ditto from our home. H had a major contract "debate" and had to resign and reapply in a new city. While this is typical to this profession (clergy) and we'd endured it in other forms before, believe me, it was HELL during college application time. </p>
<p>We could only level with our kids and say this was hurting our hearts, and if we got confusing to them, they should chalk it up to OUR job issues not their college issues. This cleared the air, and did not scare them. In fact, it enabled them to not see themselves as the center of attention, so it might have helped them. Anyway, we all got through it, but I recommend if youhaven't already done so, to put your arms around each other and recognize this as a time of change for all of you. Surely an impending layoff possibility has implications for what you can discuss financially, too.
You have my complete support. Stay strong, you will all get through.</p>
<p>Don't sweat. Boys will start chucking out frivolous thoughts as app deadlines approach and they realize how much work it takes to apply to seven schools. Boys have a proven ability to 'cram' and they enjoy that stress. UK high schools have seen an uptick in boys' performance since the authorities reinstated options for comprehensive end-of-the-year exams. Go figure.</p>
<p>Also, as long as the school choices are in the 'good enough' range, chances are your boy will make the most of it when he gets there. Boys are pack animals. Their instincts tell them to assimilate--and they usually do so without too much bother. Fretting about 'perfect fit' for a pack animal is not necessary.</p>
<p>Finally, there are wonderful opportunities at hundreds of schools. Motivated students will rise to meet their destiny from any of a hundred different points.</p>
<p>
Please keep in mind that the person your son was last April is not the person he is now (September), nor the person he will be next April. So the sense you all had about the perfect place for him to thrive would only work if you could stop time and forever preserve the 16 or 17 year old boy that accompanied you on that visit. </p>
<p>All teenagers are still growing into the young adults they will eventually become, and boys especially have a lot of changes ahead as they grow into young men. If you were choosing a summer camp, then that "perfect fit" you all saw last April would make sense. But unfortunately you and he have a harder choice: he not only must find a place that will meet his needs at age 18, but one which will continue to meet his needs for 4 years. </p>
<p>My own son's college choice didn't meet that test. He did not make the mistake of deciding too early -- he waited until fall of his senior year, looking for places that fit his idea of what he wanted in a school -- and among the schools that admitted him there was one so perfect that he had written on the application that if he were to design his own school, he would have created that one. </p>
<p>He lasted 2 years. </p>
<p>My son will graduate next spring, at age 25, from an entirely different school, one that is nowhere near perfect and does not even offer courses in the language he would like to study -- but one that has helped propel him into an entirely different and unforeseen direction. So there is no question that school #2 was a correct choice for him, even thought he process of getting there was so different than the search for the "perfect fit" for a high school senior that led to school #1. </p>
<p>You really can't know what is the best choice, but at least you can avoid the mistake of locking your son in too early in the process. </p>
<p>Your son's got a gut level feeling that he is wise to listen to. It may be frustrating for you as a parent when you thought all had been settled -- but you are looking at the process through adult eyes and not through the emotional turmoil of a teenager who is only just beginning to explore and come to terms with his sense of himself and his place in the world. </p>
<p>There really is no danger of your son "losing" the perfect fit college because he fails to grab at some perceived admission advantage early in the process, because that "perfect fit" doesn't really exist. The reality is that there are many, many colleges where your son might thrive and grow - and the "fit" is something that is nebulous and which is as much a process of your son's internal growth as the objective characteristics of the college. </p>
<p>I once analogized college choice to buying a new winter coat for a child -- most parents who want a coat to last more than one winter will choose one that is a size too large, so there is room to grow -- knowing that the coat that fits perfectly will be outgrown far too soon. So I think what your son is trying to tell you is that the college that seemed to fit perfectly is starting to feel a little snug around the shoulders.</p>
<p>^^^Awesome post, calmom, with so many new thoughts and acquired understanding.</p>
<p>Amazing how we grow, as parents. </p>
<p>I love your "coat" analogy, too. Too snug! LOL.</p>
<p>I know this is going to seem kind of silly right now, this late in the game. But maybe if your son (or you, even, on his behalf) were to do one of those "college matching" internet things... People poo-poo them, but really, half the time it's just because they didn't get the answers they wanted; the other half of the time it's because it's computerized for crying out loud. Maybe it would, at least, make him have to pinpoint the characteristics that are important to him. My oldest did that, and it helped solidify his direction, motivated him, and now is happy with his school. He also did a lot of that with his choice of majors/career path- to the point of subscribing to a couple online services ($20-30 each). It was well worth the money and effort just for him to sit down and collect his thoughts about what it was he wanted out of his education.</p>
<p>New solution to the "stuck" mode- DS made a proposition-- if I'd let him blow off the college visit nite we had scheduled tonight (it was the umpteenth one of these 2hr dog and pony shows we'd been to, and we have been on campus) he'd sit down and work on the common app with me! DEAL! DONE! DH went there to "sign in" for ds and listen to the presentation, and all is well with the world (for the moment... and while the internet is temporarily working...)</p>
<p>Bravo! well done</p>
<p>thanks, p3t-
Breathing a BIG sigh of relief right now. Mt. Vesuvius will erupt again-- I am just enjoying the temporary calm.</p>
<p>momoschi, I think your son should export the decision making process to the future. There's a big difference between not being clear on a number one among RD choices and not being willing to commit to an ED choice; he should try not to confuse the two. </p>
<p>For RD, at this point, the only elimination he should be doing is in the number of applications. He should decide on the number of applications that he's comfortable with (let's say 8-12 is reasonable) and make sure that he has at least one solid safety in the group. He can then send in the applications and let the the chips fall. Making the final decision once he has acceptances in hand may be difficult, but usually one will float to the top.</p>
<p>ED is a different situation. It worked SO WELL for my son, that I hesitate to eliminate this option out of hand -- assuming that finance is not an issue and making sure that all the RD applications are completed (if not sent) before the ED notification. </p>
<p>My son was fairly sure about his ED choice. First there were two other contenders, but in the end it came down to just one other. Basically, he could have been happy at either, so I didn't see any problem with choosing one and forging ahead.</p>
<p>momoshki-
My older s had a CLEAR first choice, so we let him apply ED. He got in, and it is a great fit, but we didn't get a lot of merit $ offered, to our dismay. That is to be expected with ED. Younger s has several schools that he is ok with. No current frontrunner, which IMO is good, as he can apply to one or 2 EA, then RD for the others, and see if he is offered any merit $$. He is a little disappointed that he hasn't had that "this is IT" reaction to any one school, but I told him the flexibility and comfort with seveal schools lets him keep his options open/ I think your s will find this comforting as well. Good luck.</p>
<p>I was lucky that my son didn't change his mind about schools, in fact he had a only a few rules, strong academics and computer science and not too hot weather were the most important. He didn't get a single application in more than a few hours before it was due, but he did make the EA deadlines and sent in the RPI priority application, since it only had a very short essay and they let you know within a few weeks of receiving first quarter grades if you are in.</p>
<p>I think CC parents should get together and write a guide book on this whole process. </p>
<p>It would be a bestseller. Seriously.</p>
<p>The school that I considered my "dream school" starting when I was about 12, I never finished the application for. Aside from the fact that one changes over time, I came to realize that some of the things I had wanted the former dream school for just weren't valid (e.g. I liked it because it was a top school with top sports teams and I dreamed of being on one of them, but by the time I was applying for colleges I knew that the fact that their sports teams were so good meant that I would never be considered for one).</p>
<p>The school that I ended up attending was one that I had never seriously considered because I didn't think there was a snowball's chance in hell that I would ever be admitted, and I had applied only on a whim!</p>
<p>Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I think we are all moving away from the ED option at this point, which was attractive if only for the possibility that we would be done sooner, but if S sin't sure of the #1 choice, then it is clearly a no go.</p>
<p>My take on the situation (and H agrees with me) is that S's seemingly petty objections to schools he had a very positive reaction to last spring aren't really based on substance or a shifting of priorities on his part, so much as a reticence to get too invested in any place and a fear that he might not get in or that he might not have what it takes to succeed once he is there. Hence the nitpicking. It is understandable, but hard (on me) to live with and when I have a moment to reflect I think that I tend to take these shifts of his a little too seriously. It is just that in the moment I am fearful that he will eliminate choices that are good ones and that I know he really liked. </p>
<p>Also, his moods regarding the whole application process are so mercurial that I am also realizing that just because he is angry, irrational and resistant one day, it doesn't mean that he has thrown in the towel and preparing to work in a gas station after HS graduation. For instance, after his blow up in response to my ill-chosen question of "What did you think?" after our two recent school visits, a couple of days later (completely out of the blue) he brought me a first draft of his main essay to ask my opinion. I was totally shocked, since I had no idea he had begun this and would never have anticipated that he would EVER have shown it to me.</p>
<p>So... this does not seem to be proceeding in a linear fashion at all. It's a total roller coaster in our house.</p>