<p>Marian-- I am awed by the kind of cool focus on academics that would be required to plan the funeral of one's spouse around the elementary school testing calendar. You are obviously completely correct in saying that different families have different priorities........</p>
<p>Deirdre.... I think Marian was being tongue in cheek.</p>
<p>I had seven students who had "grandmothers who died" last semester. I think it's an epidemic. (Not to make light of loss. My condolescences.)</p>
<p>I actually told my classes I feel kind of miffed because no grandfathers ever die. Are they sexist? Killing of grandmas?</p>
<p>However, I don't question students. Feels too boorish on my part. Let them put one over on me. Whatever.</p>
<p>As for paper, that's what email is for.</p>
<p>However, even there, I would accept the paper late. What's the beef? I guess I have a very different philosophy than most profs. I believe it's my job to teach them; their employers job to see they have the appropriate level of responsibility. There are limits to my largesses, but I am understanding about deadlines. If they entire class or close to it misses a deadline they have in class suprise quizzes until enough get papers in since I base classes around their results. This is a stated policy, also that they have only a set time to get paper in or it will receive a zero, so they mostly comply.</p>
<p>I don't know, you also have to keep in mind that many grandparents to kids that age are semi elderly. During my four years of college my ex-boyfriends grandmother died, my aunt died, and my grandfather about a year or so before college began. I missed the first day of Senior year because I was at home for a funeral for my aunt. I e-mailed my prof's ahead of time (by senior year I knew most of them) and they all e-mailed back expressing condolences and my one prof told me that his brother had just passed away too and to take an extra day off if I felt I needed it. Of course, it was just the first day of class so nothing important really was missed so that may be why everyone was so lax about it.</p>
<p>Weighing in here briefly.</p>
<p>My mother died on Sept. 29th. She had only two grandchildren, my sons. It was important for my entire family that they both participate in the memorial service and funeral. In the process of arranging cross-country airline trips for my sons on Thurs. for the Fri. services (thereby minimizing missed classes, returning them to their campuses on the weekend), I called my younger son's Student Affairs Office to ask for the name of a taxi service they'd recommend which could get him to the airport for a 6:30am flight. I mentioned my mother's death, and the woman I was speaking with asked for his name and said she would also email all his profs and let them know this was a legitimate death-in-the-family absence. I wasn't trying to be a helicopter parent (my sons also sent their own emails to their profs) but I was glad for her offer to add legitimacy to what might be an overused fake excuse. (And of course it goes without saying that they had to make up any work they missed. There was one "one-time-only" experience my younger son missed on Thurs., on which a report was based, but it couldn't be helped. He handed in the assignment done as best he could, without having been present for the experience.)</p>
<p>And by the way, when my father passes away (which is likely within the next year, since his health is quite poor now), I will have no trouble doing the same. This fine man has been a quiet example for many, and his grandsons deserve the chance to honor him by speaking at his funeral, just as they did at their grandmother's.</p>
<p>Decades ago, when I was teaching, I had same experience as Mythmom. Next term, I did make up exams and postponed, with proof. I was saddened by this "epidemic".</p>
<p>Its truly unfortunate that this one prof is so rigid. I wonder why Dean cannot reason with him. </p>
<p>Sorry for your loss.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Deirdre.... I think Marian was being tongue in cheek.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>No, I wasn't.</p>
<p>I had to make funeral arrangements for both of my parents and I was executor of both of their estates and that of another close family member. I am used to dealing with the rigamarole surrounding death, and I'm a cold-hearted sort of person anyway. Also, my husband's stepmother was a funeral director. In her house, death was discussed at the dinner table. In fact, she often answered calls during dinner from people who had just lost a family member and needed to make funeral arrangements. It was part of the job. No big deal.</p>
<p>Scheduling a funeral around standardized testing is EXACTLY what I would have done. In fact, the first thing I thought of when the other poster said, "What if it was your husband who died?" was "In that case there wouldn't have been a problem, because I would have been the one in charge of scheduling the funeral, unlike the situation with my father-in-law."</p>
<p>I suppose all this pushes the limits of normal.</p>
<p>I was also the person who pithed the other students' frogs in biology lab in college when they were too squeamish to do so. It takes all kinds.</p>
<p>So today is exactly the third anniversary of my Dad's funeral. He was a college professor (lawyer in earlier years). When he died, it happened that our D was in the midst of Fall break, and was able to fly east with us to New Hampshire, then return home directly to campus after the funeral from there. One of our family's fond thoughts was, "how considerate of Dad to die in the middle of her break week, so she didn't have to miss any classes." If he were alive he might have been the first one to tell her not to risk her senior year grades for the sake of attending his funeral. Glad she was lucky enough not to have to face that conflict.</p>
<p>Playing devil's advocate, I think there are profs who hold the line on every excuse because they sincerely believe they are doing students a favor to teach them to maintain an extraordinary work ethic. I don't agree with them, but I think some might believe they're helping a student. Recently I re-watched the movie "Philadelphia." In that story line, the big law firm's defense against wrongful dismissal was to demonstrate that poor work, not AIDS or homophobia, caused them to fire the lawyer played by Tom Hanks. They outline a scene where he was so close to missing the time deadline for filing an appeal paper that the firm almost lost a huge client's case, and how the entire firm ground to a halt trying to compensate for the distracted employee (Hanks). </p>
<p>There are college students who take off the day because it's their birthday (as if that's a national holiday), and other excuses I can't fathom. In that atmosphere, perhaps a professor thinks someone (himself) should step up to the plate to teach kids a superior work ethic that will equip them to keep their jobs in future years.</p>
<p>I wouldn't do all that myself, but am stretching to consider how it could be well-intentioned.</p>
<p>DeirdreTours - I guess in my experience, if there is any flexibility possible, I've seen families consult with all the 'major players' to see what day works out best for everyone. This is true especially if some of those people are coming in from great distances. This is easier to do with memorial services, obviously, and then of course, practicing Jews are required to have their funerals within a certain time frame (help me out here P3T - is it within two days?), so there is no flexibility. </p>
<p>Being the family member who always was the one coming from far away, and knowing that my kids led very busy lives, my family was very considerate to try to work around what worked best for us. Usually this just meant tweaking the schedule a day or so... nothing major. I think it's more common to schedule the funeral around certain needs, than it is to have someone not come at all because no one planning the funeral was willing to be flexible. Also, much depends on the relationship they had with the one who died. Although both my kids were able to attend the funerals of my in-laws, had they been older and had a major conflict (for instance, they were in lots of theatre and musical productions), I'm sure we wouldn't have hesitated to have one stay home. They were never close to that set of grandparents. On the other hand, we bent over backwards to get D1 home from college when a good friend of hers died. So while it's easy to get hung up on who qualifies as an immediate family member, there are many situations where someone would forego a trip to a blood-relatives funeral, but do anything possible to attend a non blood-relative family funeral.</p>
<p>Jewish law is to bury as soon as possible, within 24 hours, except to skip over Sabbath so there are never Jewish funerals (or weddings, btw) on a Saturday daytime. Sabbath takes precedence. So sadly, if someone dies on Friday afternoon, the funeral waits until Sunday morning because of Sabbath. </p>
<p>That said, families today live with primary relatives living far away. Rabbis recognize the need to let relatives assemble to achieve the purpose of grief and consolation as a family unit, so they are ever more flexible and willing to postpone--within reason. Up to an extra day. Not to wait 2-3 days because the deceased's adult son has an important trial date and doesn't want to ask the judge...etc. Basically what's "reasonable" equates to how fast can everyone get on the next flight or so, or drive in safely the l0 hours, whatever. Talmud: "The law is to live by, not to die by" so good common sense and safety concerns are always paramount. </p>
<p>The most interesting funeral postponement I witnessed was when my H halted a funeral in the middle of the liturgy, refusing to continue, because adult brothers were arguing. He refused to bury their dad until they made peace.<br>
It took an hour and a half, but they came to some resolutions and then the service resumed.</p>
<p>Life is strange at times.</p>
<p>Following the funeral is a 3-day (liberal) or 7-day (traditional) time for mourning in the house. Very traditional Jewish families live with missing funerals and arriving in time to join the weeklong mourning days (not my family, we're not that traditional). That is quite different from Catholic practice, right? And is there a fixed time for Protestant mourning, following the burial? I wonder. I should know; please inform me.</p>
<p>no... there are no formal prescribed times or rites for mourning in the Catholic or Protestant traditions after the funeral. The typical tradition is to hold the wake the afternoon/evening prior to the funeral, and perhaps the morning of the funeral. If it's a memorial service, I've seen them happen at varying lengths after the death since there is no decaying body to worry about... a few days to a few weeks. And I've also seen situations with no service whatsoever, usually a request by the dying person, honored by their family. </p>
<p>Very interesting story about the adult brothers who were arguing. How courageous for your husband to take such a strong stance. Many people would have just told them to leave until they could pull themselves together, and procede with the funeral.</p>
<p>p3t: Maybe this is a special case, but my step-grandmother, despite being more or less atheist, was buried in a Jewish service at a Jewish funeral home (because she already had a plot in a Jewish cemetery... long story)... a week after she died. Is that very unusual, then?</p>
<p>In many cases (including my own family on both sides), the grandparents have chosen to maintain their distance from their grandchild and her parents. When that happens, it can be difficult to "think of grandparents as immediate family." </p>
<p>OTOH, in the case of a father's death, I can't imagine a child being able to focus on any testing (unless the father was estranged from his children), no matter when the funeral was scheduled.</p>
<p>Well, I guess I am fostering a horrible work ethic because I think one's birthday is a perfect reason for cutting a college class. Some years I even cancel class on my own birthday.</p>
<p>Our policy is three unexcused absences (which means absence doesn't require an excuse.) So, if a student uses one of those for his birthday, I certainly understand. Sometimes they come and bring cupcakes for everyone.</p>
<p>Because I teach Humanities courses we have no set coursework to get through. I think the purpose of the arts and humanities is to help us to be more empathetic, humane and understanding. For me, that starts with the classroom atmosphere. Having this kind of flexibility is the reason I didn't go into law for example. Then again, I am a bit of the "girls just want to have fun" type. However, I have found that for every sympathetic act I perform in the classroom, I am amply rewarded by being able to dissolve just a little bit more of my students' resistance. When they find they can be themselves and learn, well that's the ballgame.</p>
<p>So I don't think anything is gained by stressing a grieving young woman who certainly should be able to attend her grandfather's funeral without having to worry about placating her professors. JMO.</p>
<p>PS I have also had many students miss class to attend the NYC St. Patrick Day Parade, but that's NY.</p>
<p>Mythmom - I totally agree with you on the birthday thing. My birthday is in January so during college it always fell during winter break however I do take off work for it now that I've graduated. Actually, this past birthday I made it into a five day weekend. My boss looked at me like I was crazy but I didn't care.</p>
<p>At my job we have a PTO bank - paid time off bank - of hours that can be used for whatever we need them to be. This year I had 200 hours - which is 25 days - to do as I please with. I still have 8 days left and I have no clue what to do with them. I may sell back five to give myself a little bit of a bonus at Christmas time... and then that leaves me with 3 others. I was thinking two half days in November and two shopping days in December. My boyfriend and I took two shopping days together last year and that worked out really well. We both are really undecisive so we looked around the first shopping day and then actually bought everything the second shopping day - and it was during the week so we didn't have to deal with the massive crowds on the weekends.</p>
<p>I think that life goes on, and sometimes life gets in the way of someone's funeral, and we should not make anyone feel bad if they make a decision based on the living, not on the dead</p>
<p>If there is something in a child's life that is important, especially school, then people need to understand that, and most families will, or at least should</p>
<p>We talk about the professor being cold or whatever, what about judging others for making a decision that is in the best interest of the child?</p>
<p>Truely caring relatives and grandparents would SUPPORT the decision to do the school thing, test, etc, I would imagine</p>
<p>And if she, as a student, decides that it might be too stressful to go and shouldn't be pressured or made to feel bad either way, which some families can do</p>
<p>If my mom passed, and my Ds were across the coast in college, my mom would actually be mad if they missed important things in school, and I would not pressure either way, and make sure my Ds knew it was okay</p>
<p>I see that there is a wide range of practice here-- what funerals mean, if they are for the living or the dead and how important they are relative to other life events.<br>
I can't imagine my children choosing any school event over the funeral of a grandparent, frankly if they even asked, I would feel I had failed in a fundamental parenting area. Of course, not being physically able to get there in time for the funeral is completely different than deciding that one's other activities are too important to be missed.</p>
<p>
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I can't imagine my children choosing any school event over the funeral of a grandparent, frankly if they even asked, I would feel I had failed in a fundamental parenting area.
[/quote]
I am in complete agreement with this. My sons should be at the funeral of a grandparent to honor their memory. Of course it's inconvenient and never comes at a good time; a death in the family is no picnic for any of us. Learning how to make a case with those "in authority" for putting family first in this situation, yet still meeting your commitments at school and work, is a growth experience and can bring young people closer to the caring and complete adults they will someday become.</p>
<p>This will certainly vary by family, depending on how close or cordial relations are. In our case I can't imagine there being any question.</p>
<p>I guess I'm having trouble finding the outrage in the professor's demand that the assignment be turned in on time and absences are absences (excused or not). </p>
<p>This young women goes to a State U and I have no idea what the size of her classes are, but some entry level classes in my day at a State U had upwards of 200 students. Could it be the prof does not want to get in to deciding which of the multitude of excuses are worthy of expection? Grandfather's funeral is excused, but great aunt's is not? Sounds like he has made allowances for such emergencies by allowing a certain number of abenses (which this one counts against). He said the assignment is still due on the day it's due. As other posters pointed out she may be able to email or fax it in on time. She could also turn it in before she leaves or late and perhaps have the grade docked for it. Either way it doesn't sound like there will be long term acedemic consequences. She may want to make sure she doesn't miss any more classes this term.</p>
<p>Such is real life sometimes - "I'm sorry your Grandmother passed away, but the contract proposal (newspaper deadline, final grant report, etc) is still due on time". What adult has not had at some point to make a difficult decision between family obligations and work obligations?</p>
<p>S missed Grandpa's funeral last year. Grandpa died on a Sunday in December and finals for S started Monday. The funeral was Tuesday. S already had a ticket home for Saturday. It would have been too difficult for S to make up the finals, though I feel sure that the school would have arranged something if S really wanted to attend the funeral. S was the oldest grandchild, named after Grandpa, and the only one not at the funeral. Grandpa was on his death-bed when our family arrived. He asked if all 7 of our kids were there, and we told him, "Yes, we're all here." Everyone understood. Grandpa had been sick for months, so S knew he would die soon. I don't think it affected S's finals and he didn't tell anyone at school about it except his roommate/close friends. Less than two months before that, we had another death in the family during midterms. Again, S did not come home. Not such a great 1st semester for him. If he were closer to home (driving distance), things would have been different. When you're far away, people will excuse you from family obligations.</p>