<p>There are dramatic differences among families, certainly, as expressed here.</p>
<p>I would also add that there are times when going to the funeral is not even a choice because there isn't any funeral.</p>
<p>In my own family, there have been three direct cremations with no funeral service within the past ten years. Two of these were by the previously expressed choice of the deceased; in the third instance, the deceased's wishes were not known, but nobody objected when the choice was made by the next of kin.</p>
<p>This sort of thing is probably outside of many people's experience but is not uncommon in some families.</p>
<p>my mom and my mother inlaw are amazing ladies, and if they felt their grandchild was missing something school related and it in anyway caused a hardship for any family member to go to their funeral, they would be p#)((@)d- they worked too hard and are too proud of their families to want anyone to have to choose their schoolwork or job vs a funeral for them- schoolwork, tests, presentation, should win everytime in their eyes- that is what they wanted their wholelives-</p>
<p>it would have to be something pretty important for someone to not attend the funeral, but you have to trust your family to make that decision for themselves</p>
<p>and we as human beings shouldn't make anyone feel guilty or bad if someone has to make a decision and they miss a service and it has nothing to do wtih how you raised your kids and you can be a caring and complete adult if you make a decision that isn't what everyone else expects you to make-</p>
<p>I can absolutely imagine there being a question and a circumstance where someone couldn't attend a funeral, and that is absolutely okay...in my family, we are very close and no one would judge another if for some reason that person couldn't make a funeral- we have to trust that they are making the decision they need to make</p>
<p>its more important to show love and caring and compassion while everyone is alive</p>
<p>Its seems to me that we don't really have enough facts to know how reasonable or unreasonable this professor was being. However, assuming that he was just being a jerk about, I would agree with the advice to drop the class if possible. Life is too short to be around people like that if you can possibly avoid it. It doesn't matter how "good" a teacher he is--people who behave like that shouldn't be rewarded, but rather should be shunned.</p>
<p>Wow, Hunt, your world of people must be pretty small if you shun someone for taking a rigid stance on the subtle nuances of doing their job. People have to pick their fights.</p>
<p>Even if the professor is just being a jerk, we don't know how he's been screwed in the past by students trying to make up excuses to not turn in assignments (not that the OP's niece is making this up, but past experience tends to influence how we respond to similiar ones in the future). Maybe some kid really took advantage of a previous generous approach to a missing assignment, and when he finally called them to task, they complained to his superiors... so now he takes a tougher stance. </p>
<p>I don't see how staying in the class, after the several week investment of time and resources, is rewarding him.</p>
<p>When I would consider dropping the class (but not shunning him) would be if he were vocally rude and demeaning to the student, or used a tone that suggested in all areas he was superior and knows all. But if that were his style, chances are the students are really learning anything anyway. If it's a simple matter of not making allowances for this absence, but it's said so in a kind of matter-of-fact way, then I think he's completely in line, as long as he's consistent with all absences.</p>
<p>I guess I am more in Marian's camp- any one close enough to require my kids to travel there from school for the cermony would be close enough that I could provide info on the best times.</p>
<p>My family is not big on the ceremony, I do not know if there will even be any sort of funeral/memorial service for the grandparents, they are pretty old and most of their friends are dead. As a matter of fact, I am sure there will not be a funeral for my parents, but my kids would want to come home and be surrounded by family to process the loss, as those grandparents are very close. The others are very far away and I cannot fathom paying the price for travel at the last minute plus missing work/school for my kids to go to a cermony that would be somewhat meaningless, as they are not close to that set of grandparents and their presence would not be a balm to the survivors as my DH is an only child.</p>
<p>It is quite intriguing to hear all the stories hear, all the varied styles of mourning, grieving, processing the loss, etc. Fascinating to hear the various traditions!</p>
<p>An interesting thread. Marian mentioned that in some families there is no funeral. My own parents pre-arranged direct cremation for themselves, so when my dad died earlier this month, there was no occasion for a gathering of out-of-town friends and family. However, I did spend several weeks away from home, first to be with Dad as he was dying and then to stay with Mom, who is old and frail and needed care while she waited for a retirement home opening. I dropped my college classes because, although I suspect the profs would have let me away with the extended absence, it would have seemed to me to be taking unfair advantage to ask. I'll just start over in the spring semester. It was good to be of use.</p>
<p>If the teacher was just being a jerk, he will be a jerk in other contexts as well. There is no virtue in subjecting yourself to jerky behavior, unless you have a really good reason. Personally, I think refusing to give an extension on an assignment when a kid needs to go to a grandparent's funeral is more than a "nuance." Assuming there's not more to the story, it's just obnoxious. My world of people is wide enough that I can often spare people who behave that way.</p>
<p>The nuance I was referring to is the freedom professors have to make their own policies, and depending on the person, and their previous experience with student excuses, they may make decisions that we don't necessarily agree with or would make ourselves. But in that position, he/she has the authority to make those kinds of decisions.</p>
<p>While there's no virtue in subjecting yourself to jerky behavior, we all have to do it and various points in our lives. In your world, your grandparents may have been very influential and significant in your life, but it's not that way for everyone. On the other hand, for someone else, grandparents may have been the most important people in their lives, while they had absent or neglectful parents. I think we've read enough examples on this board to know that not every student is genuine in asking for extensions and excused absences. Perhaps this prof had just had enough of it. He never said she couldn't go, just that she needed to be held accountable to the work that was due.</p>
<p>my ds grandparents are important, especially my mom, but she ALSO values their education beyond her need, to be at a service for her</p>
<p>my MIL would also feel terrible if someone missed something at school that shouldn't be missed, or if going to her service caused stress or difficulty, knowing her personallity</p>
<p>If my Ds are at school and my mother dies, she would not expect everyone to catch planes at great expense- she would prefer a simple remembrance when all can be together reasonably</p>
<p>And "needs" is a very interesting word- no one Needs to go to a funeral, really, people want to go, but no one Needs to go</p>
<p>Seriouslly, a funeral is a want, its not a right....</p>
<p>You don't want to tick off a professor. See if she can get the assignment finished before she goes. Do her best on it. THen go. He may allow extra time after to clean it up....but at least she has done the assignment. DOn't get an F or zero. If she feels she needs to go/wants to go--go. If she doesn't want to mess up her work at college, it should be okay with everyone else....if she is there in spirit.</p>
<p>"And "needs" is a very interesting word- no one Needs to go to a funeral, really, people want to go, but no one Needs to go."</p>
<p>I would say that it's an obligation to go...in many families, this would be an obligation and duty that would trump schoolwork, even if no extension was to be given.</p>
<p>Perhaps the bereavement policies of colleges seem unduly harsh to some of the readers here because the bereavement policies of employers are usually more generous.</p>
<p>But I think there's a fundamental difference in the two situations. </p>
<p>Employers know that some of the people who need bereavement leave are those who are arranging the funerals and settling the affairs of a deceased relative; usually these are the next-of-kin of the deceased, and usually they are middle aged.</p>
<p>I think it is very rare for anyone of traditional college age to be the next of kin of someone who dies or the executor of that person's estate. Usually, the college-age person simply wants to be able to travel to and attend a ceremony. Although this is of great importance to many people, it is really not essential.</p>
<p>an obligation and duty- hmmmm, that implies that if you DON"T attend for whatever reason, you have failed your family and there will be consequences</p>
<p>Is that the case? How sad is that - a person is made to feel bad if their LIFE circumstance didn't make it possible or smart to attend a service</p>
<p>I would rather be in a loving family that understood that there are other duties and obligations sometimes</p>
<p>Yes, the consequences would be that your family would feel that you put your own interests over an essential family obligation. I'm not sure why one would think that a family that would overlook this is somehow more loving than one that values family obligations highly.</p>