<p>So my boyfriend and I have been together for going on 3 years now (since my freshman year of high school) and I am getting ready to go away to Hampton University while my hometown, Memphis, is over 800 miles away. He gave me a promise ring (meaning I will still be here for you when you get out of college) the night after my graduation. But just the other day he presented the idea that he could simply save up some money over 6months-1year and move up to Virginia do we could be together. He told me that all I have to do is say the words, and hell be there in a heart beat. I Love him with all my heart but I don't want to have him start all over simply for me but I want to be close to him, as Well. So....what do I do?
I think giving him and, in turn, our relationship 2years, he could move up there once I've completed my freshman and sophomore years. Advice is more than welcome. Thanks in advance to all responders !</p>
<p>I think it’s a great idea to wait until after your sophomore year. If it lasts that long, he can move down to you. Honestly though, odds are it won’t last. However, that doesn’t mean it won’t. It’s just very likely that it won’t.</p>
<p>I know personally two couples who were together in high school and were thinking of marriage as they went to college. I’m going to tell you two stories of not-awesome relationships, so you might want to skip to the end if you don’t want to read them.</p>
<p>The first couple were really cute together and the guy was absolutely head-over-heels in love with the girl. They were going to break it off before freshman year and re-evaluate over the summer, but they decided they loved each other too much. They went to separate colleges about an hour and a half away from each other and saw one another most weekends. Once the girl was exposed to the freedom and possibilities of college, she changed (just a little) from who she had been before. The guy on the other hand, couldn’t even bare to spend so much time apart from her so second semester, he transferred schools! He went from a pretty good school to a poor one just because it was closer to the girl. Then he started to smother her a little because he basically had no life at his new school. It got to the point that he was trying to control her every move to keep them as a couple on track to marry each other upon graduation. Finally, the girl broke up with the guy and he was (obviously) upset. He’s since transferred back to his original school and the girl is doing great - not very upset about the breakup. But I remember her talking to me every day about her relationship (if they should breakup, if he was too controlling, if she even really liked him anymore). It would have saved her a lot of anxiety if they would have at least taken a break.</p>
<p>The second couple has been together for a while through high school and they’re still together after a year of college. The guy always talks about marrying the girl (I just learned that the girl planned on breaking up with the guy after high school because she “couldn’t stand him”) but they both go through the motions of a long-term couple. The keyword here is “motions”. They saw each other a lot throughout the year and talked all the time (they also went to schools and hour and a half apart) but she changed a lot and started partying while he is absolutely disgusted with people like that. Yet, they’re still trying to make it work. I don’t really know why. If you ask me, it seems like they secretly hate one another. They fight a lot. It seems like they might feel trapped. She’s way too much of a nice person to breakup with him (she couldn’t before!) and he seems to think that she’s the best he’ll ever do and he’s already planned his life around her, so throwing their relationship away would mean starting over, and I think he’s scared of that.</p>
<p>If you want my completely honest opinion, people change in college. It’s a whole new world that opens up sides of yourself that you never knew you had. It’s not really fair to string someone else along for the ride. I like your sophomore plan because it gives you room to grow and him room to decide if this is the right move (that way you can both be 100% sure instead of feeling obligated). Also, in the case of the first couple where the guy moved closer (and changed his whole life) for the girl, it sucks because instead of naturally bonding, they forced it because they both had so much riding on it. The guy had given up his dream school for the relationship and the girl had to live with the guilt that he did that for her. Give each other some freedom and if it’s meant to work out, it will.</p>
<p>To shed the light on some skeptics, a short version:
I met a girl a couple months after I graduated HS. I had just completed basic training in the military and was headed off to my first duty station. She was a Sophomore in college in my home state.</p>
<p>95% of the time over the next 2.5 years we were separated by 3,000 miles of ocean - nearly 6,000 when I wasn’t even in the US anymore. 2 deployments and another 3.5 years later we’re celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary this Fall.</p>
<p>Did I change during the course of 4 years in the military while we were “together”? Definitely, and possibly dramatically. Did she change during the remaining 3 years of college she had before we got married? I don’t know, I loved her all the same, but I can imagine.</p>
<p>My point based on my experience is that if you really love each other and he’s willing to stick around, as he’s promised, then he should be happy to support you from afar and do his best to make you comfortable and happy there - just shy of him being there of course. You can visit each other on breaks (fly/drive out for school breaks or long weekends) - and I’m sure you’d get more opportunities to see each other than my wife and I had - instead of staying permanently and see how either of you may be “changing”. It may not seem like it at first, but your time in college will begin to fly by and before you know it you can physically be together again.</p>
<p>You should revisit the moving with each other thing after your Soph year as you mentioned or even after Jr year or graduation (allowing him more time to save even more money or complete and schooling he may want to do). Being so young I can tell you it’s more important now to get your lives on track and off to a good start than sacrificing early opportunities to be together. Once you’re in a good direction there will be plenty of time to just be together. My wife and I were never in the same state for more than a total of 60 days over almost 3 years’ time, under a little more extreme of circumstances, so I’d think you (personally) can survive it.</p>
<p>My advice (and I know several scenarios including my own) is to go away to college and make no definite promises. Don’t wear the promise ring. Cherish it but don’t wear it.</p>
<p>Scenario 1: HS boyfriend. You still love each other after 4 or so years and get married. You suffer apart but know you are meant to be together and in the meantime grow as individuals and never feel you “sacrificed” for each other. These are growing up years–you won’t be the same person in 4 years. This was my roommate’s scenario.</p>
<p>Scenario 2: HS boyfriend. You go to separate colleges and meet other people. Remain friends. Grow up. Marry other people that are better suited for you. That’s me.</p>
<p>Scenario 3: One of you meets a better suited person as a marriage prospect. Hopefully it’s you just on the angst scale. But over the long haul don’t you want the best fit?</p>
<p>Scenario 4: dump (okay, open relationship?) them now in anticipation of meeting people and partying with no guilt trip involved. You need to be open to new people. Sounds bad up front but actually sound advice–you can always resort to scenario 1 if available.</p>
<p>Don’t wear the promise ring–you won’t meet anybody and your BF won’t have one. Just saying.</p>
<p>Do NOT let him follow you to school. Too much pressure for the relationship.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for the advice. I think I’m going to see how we end up after sophomore year. I don’t plan on moving back to my hometown, so if I do stay up there and he comes, then we’ll already be starting our life off together. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t be too quick to cut it off y’know. I broke up with my girlfriend before I started college. That was a year after I graduated HS. I changed a lot between that time and I’ve changed a lot since then. I usually think I did the right thing.</p>
<p>But sometimes I realize it’s so god damn hard to make friends and date in college that I question my wisdom.</p>
<p>I guess what I’m trying to say is sometimes it’s not wise to let go of a good thing.</p>
<p>I agree with TMS. I was in a relationship freshmen year of hs to soph year of college. I’m glad I didn’t break up with him when I left because there would have been too many what-ifs. We ended up growing apart and ended things mutually and pleasantly and remain close friends to this day. Breaking up just because you’re going to college is usually terrible advice. I liked having his support during my transition into college.</p>
<p>Yeah, I agree that you don’t necessarily have to break it off - people often advocate that and I think it’s a bit extreme. If you are still enjoying the relationship, then you don’t have to break it off unless one or both of you is unwilling to do a long-distance relationship.</p>
<p>But I still believe that at this point in your life, building yourself and your independent interests takes first priority. You have to discover who you are first, before you can wed yourself to someone else (and I mean mentally and emotionally). I’m assuming that you are between 17 and 19 - you have a lot of personal exploration and discovery to do. That’s your job now.</p>
<p>Him moving up there should not be a decision that you have to make. You can’t control where he moves. Personally, I would tell him that you are very flattered and while you love him so much and would love to be near him, his move is a decision that HE has to weigh against his other obligations and desires. You can’t make that decision for him. Then let him choose what he wants to do. But be clear in stating that you aren’t going to move away from Hampton, because you have to finish your degree.</p>
<p>As a side note, I met my high school boyfriend when I was a freshman in high school, and he was a sophomore. We’re engaged and are planning to marry at the end of the summer. We’ve been together for over 11 years. Sometimes, high school relationships do last.</p>
<p>Thanks TMS and Romani. I have to agree that I don’t think you should let go of good things. But sometimes too much of a good thing just isn’t…well good. Only time can tell. But to Juillet, congratulations on your high school sweetheart relationship still going strong. It’s encouraging and inspiring to hear of such couples :)</p>
<p>I have a friend who started dating a boy at the end of her junior year, his senior year. He ended up going to a school a few hours away from their home, and they saw each other at least once a month. Now, she goes to a school less than an hour away from him, and they spend most weekends together. So they’re making the different schools thing work. Myself and the girl are going into our second year of college, and her boyfriend is going to be studying abroad in Australia next semester. It’s a huge change from their previous situations, but I think they can make it work.</p>
<p>Thank you for all the positive feedback. It’s encouraging to hear these sort of relationships working out for the better or ending mutually and on good terms. Thanks again for the feedback!</p>