College Has Made Me Feel Like a Loser?

Student Lounge College Life
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  1. As a college student heading into my sophomore year, I am expected to make money over the summer to help contribute to my bill. I’ve applied to nearly 20 places yet I’ve heard back from very few of them (those who have rejected me). Finding scholarships at this point in time is rare, so I have no idea how I’ll contribute to my finances and am disappointed that I don’t have a job like everyone else.

  2. I am currently majoring in U.S. History because it makes me happy, yet my family wants me to double major in something else for the purpose of finding a good-paying job easily. I’m personally considering Business Economics as my double major, as I’ve been developing an interest in economics over the past year yet apparently that wont’ find me a job either. Another reasoning against it is my lack of social skills, at least in the words my family members. I just don’t know what to do and am simply frustrated.

  3. I’ve never had a lot of friends in high school, but I feel as though whatever social life I did have in high school took a serious nose-dive as a college freshman. I felt out of place in my dorm - as I wasn’t even originally supposed to live there but with the rest of the freshman in the Honors Program (I switched out to a single in a separate dorm on the other side of campus for personal reasons). Unlike the majority in my freshman dorm, I wasn’t a partier nor a drinker. Even among the rest of the Honors kids, I didn’t feel wholly included. It especially showed when we interacted in large groups at social events. I don’t feel particularly comfortable approaching people and making conversation in these situations, and I was miserable by the end most of the time, especially during the second semester where I reached an all-time emotional low in February and March. I tried counselling during the year but I don’t think it paid off in the long-run. I sat by myself most of the time in the dining hall and I would be on my iPod since I had no one to talk to since I was mostly uncomfortable with approaching others due to being perceived as a loser - and when I did sit with people, I often felt out of place. In sum, my freshman year was spent being a miserable stereotypical high school dweeb in spite of having a 3.83 GPA. And I fear I’ll be that way for the rest of my college experience and much of my life.

I am a boy, by the way.

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P.S. I forgot to mention this while writing the original post. Any advice?

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The only person who can make the situation change is you. If you want it to be different you have to stretch yourself out of your comfort zone and keep on trying to make those connections. Just like you are unlikely to approach someone sitting alone in a coffee shop with their nose in a book or busy looking at an iPad, the same is true for others when they see you doing the same in the dining hall. There are lots of great posts on here with advice on making friends in college, even for the quiet, introverted, loner, nonpartying types. All say the same thing, you have to keep putting yourself out there. And if keeping to yourself is your normal way and has been for a long time, breaking out of it is going to be extra hard. You are in charge of your own happiness, and a lot of it will come from how you think about things and what you do to change the things you don’t like.

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  1. Take it slow. Applying to places can be frustrating but don’t give up! It is tough applying to places after your freshman year at many colleges since they typically look for people with more experience. Can you be a camp counselor somewhere? Wait tables? Be a tutor? Do yardwork? There are many creative ways you can make money without getting a huge job offer the summer after your first year. Honestly many of my friends still take on those types of opportunities because they are great ways to make money. If interviewing seems to be an issue, practice with some parents or some friends or prepare ahead of time.

  2. I honestly think US History plus Business Economics is a great idea. You have the qualitative analysis skills from your history major and more quantitative skills from your econ major, which is very applicable. Whoever told you that you can’t find a job with those is wrong. There are plenty of people that get jobs out of college with those, and economics is a popular major that employers look for. Also it sounds like your family is putting you down, so for the time being, it may be the best to work on yourself but not to allow their words to hurt you.

  3. Have you tried joining some clubs? They are a great way to meet people and find people with common interests to talk to you. Most people don’t approach people out of the blue, but at clubs that may be an option if you are shyer because people always want more members to their club and generally enjoy the company of those people that are around them. Make it your goal to make one new friend and slowly your social circle will increase. Also don’t beat yourself up for it. You definitely aren’t the only one having trouble adjusting, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Find a club where people care about other things besides drinking perhaps an outdoors club, a book club, a game club, a dance club, a club related to your major, a food club, or a volunteer organization. I have found some of my best friends that way.

Focus on what you are doing well rather than what gets you down. Let’s recap: You are doing well in school! Excellent you have a great start to your freshman year, many people don’t have that because they spend too much time partying or don’t handle responsibility. You found two majors you like! Even better because many people struggle with this and end up changing their major, or are unsure. Both are very applicable. You also are in a honors program at a college! This is great, many people don’t have the opportunity to go to a college or are not in an honors program, this will open many doors for you. In short, focus on some positive things that you like about yourself (or ask other people!) and focus in on those things. Also you know some things about yourself. If you don’t like large groups, perhaps seek out smaller groups or one on one relationships? As an introvert myself I prefer those as well, which is perfectly fine!

One thing I do know for certain is that how you are now is not destined to be the rest of your life. Things change quickly, people can change quickly, and situations can change quickly. I have been in some pretty sucky situations myself during this past year, but things can change very quickly for the better. But the first thing you have to change or work on is attitude. You must believe that you can make those things happen and you must believe that you have innate value and worth. Because you do. So you have some difficulty with some things, so what? The greatest people in this world have overcome challenges and I believe that you can too.

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Great advice @shawnspencer!

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Have compassion for yourself. You are young and you’re not supposed to have it all figured out. Let go of whatever expectation you had of how college life was supposed to be.

From your post it feels like you’re judging and shaming yourself a little bit.

Always be on your own side, even when you mess up. You’re human. Keep moving forward. You sound like a smart and sensitive person. I hope you can join some groups and find your “people.” I loved Post #3 - great advice.

Wishing you all the best - hang in there!

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  1. It can be hard to find summer jobs as a rising sophomore, since you’ve only been in college for a year and may not have enough experience for an internship or research project. It helps to look for jobs where you can use the skills you’ve developed in college (writing, tutoring, programming, etc.) rather than low-skill jobs you could have done in high school (like fast food).

Right now it’s kind of late to find a summer job, so I would recommend looking for part-time jobs you can do during the school year. You should start by looking on campus, especially if you have work-study. A lot of colleges have student job fairs at the beginning of every year. If there are any subjects you could tutor, I would recommend seeing if your school has a peer tutoring program you can apply to. Before you apply to anything, it would help to go to the career center and have your résumé reviewed. They can also help you find an internship for next summer.

  1. Are there any careers that interest you?
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@shawnspencer

  1. I was even told that summer break really isn’t break but rather the money-making period. Both of my triplet sisters have lucrative summer jobs - one is getting paid for scientific research in a lab, and the other is working at a STEM camp in Massachusetts- so it’s hard not to compare my situation to theirs. It certainly helped that they applied over spring break whereas I only waited applying until after school let out for the semester. I started it the Friday I got home (May 13) and oddly most places where I live stop hiring then because they already found employees. Hence, I was considered lazy and irresponsible. Also, if it’s not traditional employment then it’s not real employment, at least as I was told.

  2. My parents wanted my double major to be in the STEM field or even Finance, Actuarial Sciences (which isn’t offered at my school), and Accounting because I’d be more likely to get a job right away. For the record, I was already an Accounting major at the beginning of my freshman year and switched to History a couple months in. I took an accounting course in high school and I did good enough in it and wanted the money over my happiness at first. But I ultimately decided that no matter how much money I made as an accountant, I wouldn’t be as happy as I would be as a history major. My parents were okay with the history major, but said I needed something else with it since history won’t give me a decent living. Since the financial status of my family isn’t go great, they want me to be more prosperous and live a fair-off life. The other argument against Business Economics, other than money, is that I don’t have the social skills to succeed in that, but rather more suited for a career as an actuary or accountant (I’m diagnosed with a high functioning form of ASD).

  3. Whether in college, high school, or even middle school, clubs haven’t done much for me socially, if anything at all, no matter how much I was invested in the club. Also, most students drink, get high, and party at my school since there’s allegedly not much to do on campus. I go to a state school in Connecticut so it seems like an extension of high school with all the cliques, partying, cattiness etc. My one massive fear at this school is being judged and ostracized, especially since I was seen as a joke up through seventh or eighth grade and I didn’t realize it because I was being led on so I didn’t think I was being taken advantage of when I actually was. I blame myself for this and I don’t want that to happen again.

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@halcyonheather Since I’m having a hard time finding a job right now (although I just applied to a Historical Society Museum for the position of Museum Clerk) and scholarships are mostly closed, I was planning on finding a part-time job on campus during the year. Until school starts up again, though, I have no idea what to do this summer since I was told to be productive and not to just lie around in the house all day. Unfortunately, I do not have my drivers license at age 19 so that eliminates most practical job possibilities.

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If your goal for the summer is to make some money, you can probably find a job. And let’s say, hypothetically, it’s in a burger joint. You can learn a lot about business in a small, workable context if you are engaged. And you can work on your social skills in this environment. If you’re feeling awkward, you can choose to observe and see what you lear.

When you go back to school, try to get involved with something you like that also will bring you in contact with the same group of people regularly. It’s easier to form bonds when you share a common interest and are doing something. It could be anything from volunteer work to chess to a campus job.

Mostly though, go easy on yourself. Everyone feels cringe-worthy from time to time. Remember that you are unique. Respect and love yourself.Nobody else is doing a better job of being you.

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As far as any clubs go, I highly doubt I’d join a club sport since I’m horrible at athletics and would probably become a laughingstock. as one would expect, the popular/cool boys on my campus are jocks.

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@gardenstategal Making money is the goal because that’s what they imposed on me. If my sisters found jobs, why shouldn’t I?

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Because you’re not your sisters? Why are you so insistent on making it a competition?

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@bodangles I don’t. It’s my parents that compare me to them, particularly my mom.

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Go visit places where you live. Almost every store, fast food joint, landscaper around us is hiring for hourly work. For those jobs, you’ll fill out their application.

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@gardenstategal I applied to McDonald’s about a month ago but I haven’t heard back from them. I even started applying to Dunkin a day later but my parents and older sister insisted it was too fast-paced for me so I discontinued my application.

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Go back to McD and ask if they have any new openings or if you have to do anything to reactivate your application. Let them see you’re interested. Let DD decide if it’s too fast-paced. Finish the app. It sounds like you’re a smart guy – you should be able to figure it out. All of these places have methods for what they do – you’ll just have to learn to do it their way. how about your local supermarket? Farm stands? Is there a mall near you? Check the stores and food establishments there,. It’s hard, halfway through June, to be looking for a job but I know that near us, places that grow food (orchards, farm-stands, CSAs, etc.) are just starting to get busy. You will need to take the initiative here.

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@gardenstategal Sadly, to my ignorance, most places hire summer employees around March/April and there’s many who’d rather not hire college students at all and find adults who are willing to work full-time year-round. Also, I have high-functioning ASD which is why my family thinks it’ll be too fast-paced for me to process and handle.

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You sound depressed, something I have struggled with for many years. You might consider asking your doc for happy pills or chill pills. It’s worth a shot.

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@nontraditionalguy I’ve been taking anxiety meds since February.