College is a nightmare for me

<p>You sound like a wonderful person -- don't give up. We are here for you. Please keep up with the counseling. You can do it -- you don't have to be miserable, there really is a light at the end of the tunnel!</p>

<p>I know how you feel, in a sense, but in another way, I have no clue. I have been to five different high schools, and trust me i kno what the isolation feels like. My parents cannot keep a drink out of their hands, and for a while, i felt like i was the only responsible one in the house, and it was up to me to take care of my younger siblings.</p>

<p>But instead of desperately wanting friends, and feeling ashamed because i will never get that tight bond with people, i changed my focus. I put all my focus into schoolwork, and it has paid off greatly.</p>

<p>Now if i do feel lonely, all i have to do is speak up. Talk to people, they won't shoot you down. Everyone is looking for new friends and you just have to be in the right place at the right time. Time to get in the outgoing spirit!</p>

<p>Good will hunting</p>

<p>I am very impressed that you have chosen to reach out and ask for help with your intense feelings of loneliness. It takes courage to take that first step and reach out to others, when I know you are feeling so lost and heavy. One big strenght I see is that you can relate to people here and that you have taken the time to read each post and to respond personally to some of the suggestions made, even if you are in such a low place that you cannot see anything that will help you. After reading your post last night, I just happened upon a website this morning that was written about feeling lonely, and I thought of you. I admit, I did not read the entire thing, since what I would take from it is not what will benefit you. If you choose to, go to the posted link at bottom. I KNOW that when you are in a dark place, you MUST look for the light. My hope is you will let the light in, in whatever form it takes. I hope you will keep us posted (no pun intended) on your progress and any steps you are taking that may be helping. I hope I am correctly speaking for everybody here in that, until you are ready and able to make other personal connections, you can feel free to use this site to connect with us. Hang in there.</p>

<p>Kryptonite</a> of Our Souls: 5 Ways to Cope with Loneliness | The BridgeMaker</p>

<p>Ispf72</p>

<p>Yes English is not my first language, and I apologize for my grammars. Yes I don’t seem to fit in anywhere as well.<br>
My parents know the extent of my unhappiness but they don’t know how to help me, and said it my own problems and I got to take it like a man and find a solution on my own. I don’t think going to a different school would be a better fit because that would mean I would be a junior if I change schools, and it would only added more to the pressure of having to learn new things and not to mention learning the new student portal and what not. It will still present more of the same challenge, because I figure if I can’t socialize here, what chance do I got somewhere else, isn’t all college the same?</p>

<p>Embroglio</p>

<p>That is a very good idea, but does this mean that I can’t find a girlfriend out on my own? Is it possible to just find female friends instead through speed dating as corny as it sound? I’ll look around various site to see if there is such a thing as speed dating in my area.</p>

<p>Paying3tuitions</p>

<p>I don’t quite understand how working backstage will help me meet people? I don’t understand the whole concept of working backstage. The problem I find with this is that if I hate it, it would be hard for me to quit.</p>

<p>Bessie</p>

<p>I’m not organized and I’m not any kind of leader whatsoever. It already hard being alone and surrounded by people, and then pretend everything is alright.</p>

<p>Linfort</p>

<p>Thanks for the site, It doesn’t help me but but thanks anyway.</p>

<p>So I decided to pay money to see a real therapist. I won’t see her until next week, since it only 10-dollar co-pay, it wouldn’t hurt to try. Other than that not much has change. My room has the view of tons of trees and bushes, so it usually very quiet and very isolated.<br>
I’m currently in the game room or community room. Like always, I’m the only one without any group of friends or the left out one. There are 3 groups of friends here, one of them has this really cute girl, who what would I give to be her friends. She seem so happy, so nice, and she seem to have a wonderful personally. It just too bad I already screw most of my chance here since I had a horrible first start to college. I can’t stop thinking about the first week off school, and how I miss it due to family related issue that prevent me from finding people to befriend with. I just don’t know how I go through life like this, I try to tell myself “I’m different” and just how life is, just to cope with the intense feeling of isolation around different groups of people.
I don’t think I can stay in the community room much longer, how would someone you want to be friend with become your friend? Usually I probably would talk to her, if she was the only one here, but her friends surround her.<br>
This suck</p>

<p>I'm glad to hear that you will be able to see a therapist.</p>

<p>I agree with paying3tuitions. If you like theater, you can help with the plays. As you are working with other people who also like theater, you will make new friends.</p>

<p>The therapist is a great idea and I hope it helps you. Make sure you give it as much time as you can afford to give. I do not want to preach religion, but is there a fellowship group (Christian or otherwise) that you can join on campus? People there are generally friendly and accepting and they have organized activities that everyone is invited to. Or a church or temple close to campus? You don't have to commit to a church in order to attend, you can go for community and friendship. Anyways, hang in there... there are plenty of people who feel miserable at your age who turn out to be very happy and successful. I am sending best wishes your way.</p>

<p>Okay -- I don't know about the atheist thing but if your school has a Unitarian group or the town has a Unitarian church, you might enjoy those folks.</p>

<p>They aren't born again Christian Bible beaters.</p>

<p>And church folks are usually accepting and nice and they will be friendly to ya. </p>

<p>That's a start.</p>

<p>And my other suggestion is --</p>

<p>everyone here is giving you suggestions. Choose one to take and report back to us.</p>

<p>Keep us posted.</p>

<p>Collegeboi - I asked my daughter how you would make friends with her and she had a few suggestions. She said choose a table in the dining commons where there's an empty seat and ask if you can sit with that table. She says choose a table with a mix of girls and guys and stay away from "intimidating" tables of all jocks or the hottest girls (or whomever you find intimidating). She also suggested offering your notes to someone you notice missing from class or ask to borrow notes either when you've missed class or to clarify something you may have missed during class.</p>

<p>I realize I'm answering a previous question on a more recent thread, but making friends is so important for you. It sounds like you got a bad start on fitting in and have kind of redefined yourself as one who doesn't belong and the longer that goes on the more it becomes reality...and it's been going on for a long time. It sounds like you've given up on both medication and counseling and I hope you'll reconsider those choices as both can be crucial in treating depression (as I reread my post and catch up on others, I see you've decided to give counseling some more time--hooray!). Another very helpful strategy in overcoming depression is to do the things you know you used to enjoy even if you no longer have the desire; just going through the motions can lead to genuine enjoyment and, just as the downer feelings and behaviors have become your reality, with persistence, you can make a more positive reality. </p>

<p>Also your "self talk" has to change; I know you truly feel worthless sometimes (I've been there) but, intellectually you know that's not true about anyone, so it's not true about you. Stop chastising yourself for your shortfalls and start congratulating yourself on your little victories. You know what? You're trying to make yourself a happier, healthier person; give yourself some credit for that for starters!</p>

<p>I hesitate to even say it because it is so simplistic, but...smile. It really will help you to feel more confident when you approach people and they will be more receptive to you too. And if people do not seem super-receptive that's not rejection. Remember that they don't know you're hurting--they're just getting to know the new guy--and be brave about interjecting yourself into the conversation in ways that demonstrate you've been interested in what your companions have to say.</p>

<p>Exercise. In addition to working out, run, swim or ride a bike. When you work out, keep a strict schedule & concentrate on what you are doing--not on others in the room & not on your loneliness. Try to read a humorous book. Get a job on campus. Stay around other people, but do not focus on them & do not think about your feelings of despair and isolation, just focus on the task at hand. This, combined with twice daily exercise, will change your life. The truth is that you have to like yourself before you can make friends. If you exercise, then you will increase the endorphins (happy juice) released in your brain. Focusing on tasks & assignments gives you short term goals, the achievement of which will increase your self esteem. Therapists & medication may help, but if you can't afford these remedies, then you will have to do it naturally through exercise & hard work. Shave & bath everyday. Work everyday. Stay around others until you are so exhausted that you need sleep. Wake up early & get to work. Go to the library or local bookstore & check out the self-help/psychology section for books of interest. You may be surprised at how common & how easily treated your symptoms are.
Also, forget atheism. You have been through too much to accept defeat. Faith is not necessarily religion, but it is hope & it is a belief that the world is basically a good place. It takes maturity to have true faith, and you seem quite mature to me.</p>

<p>You blame your problem on other people and situations you have no control over. You didn't miss the chance of making friends because of first week of school. You didn't miss out on a chance of working in theater because of the professor. You didn't turn your back on your faith because of your mother. </p>

<p>The thing to remember is every bad thing that has happened to you has happened to everyone around you. Students everyday are turned away from a fraternity, class, girl/boy, club, but they move on to focus on something else. The reason everything looks so bad to you is you have some emotional issues you need to deal with. I think going to a therapist is the best step you could take. </p>

<p>When you want to make friends or join a group, think about what you could offer to other people, not what they could do for you. If you have a nice, quiet apartment you may want to host some get together. Like someone mentioned, offer your notes to other people sometimes. The worst thing you could be is be a complainer, or a person that sucks all the energy out of other people. A very pretty girl in my daughter's group was so insecure, if someone didn't stop to acknowledge her when she walked in the room she would perceive people were mad at her or didn't like her. She would want to discuss it with everyone to try to figure out what's going on. She became so draining to everyone, they stopped inviting her to things. </p>

<p>I just want to give you a bit of encouragement. When I felt very bad many years ago, I also felt/thought I would be unhappy for the rest of my life. I know what triggered my depression was due to hormonal in-balance, which often does re-adjust by itself after a while. But similar to me, you also need to find the cause of your unhappiness. I hope through therapy and maybe with care of a medical doctor, you will find out the cause of your depression. Don't give up.</p>

<p>PS - I think the reason you are so focused on getting a girlfriend is because you believe a girlfriend would give you all the attention and warmth you feel you are lacking in your life right now. I think it is a very unhealthy way of going into a relationship, it's too much burden/pressure on anyone. You would be setting yourself up for disappointment. When you are feeling good about yourself, you would have a lot more to offer to a relationship.</p>

<p>Have you looked into local, off-campus theatre? They are very welcoming of new people and never seem to have enough help.</p>

<p>Do you volunteer? My suggestions are animal shelters and nursing homes. You'll meet people, get a boost to your self esteem, and - most importantly - get love and warmth in return.</p>

<p>MidwestMom2kids</p>

<p>I was in theatre working backstage in high school, and I felt very lonely. It seem I was the only person there that couldn’t make any friends. I only did it to volunteer and to meet new people, as I would be willing to work extra time for the common goals, but after that whole 3 months, I had to quit, it was very hard for me.
I fear what if the same thing happens to me again? I am not good at telling someone I’m going to quit so I simply disappear and never come back, even if it was not meant to be rude</p>

<p>Bessie</p>

<p>Do you really believe that these Christian groups will help me? First off I don’t want to make any friends if they are not from my university, it sound a little stuck up, but I still will have to eat in the dining common alone, and I usually spent money outside of school so that I can avoid that all too common situation that somewhat haunt me.
I wonder if people are miserable or is it just me? Majority of the time, I feel like the loneliness person in the world. Though I think I seen some lonely people before, but they live on the other side of my campus, and it really hard to tell who is lonely and who isn’t. Bessie do you think it wrong of me to want to find just one cute female friend, it has always been my obsession. I don’t think I’m selfish in that department because there are so many pretty girls on this campus that I feel like a weirdo for not even being close to any of them. I think it my own alternative to not have a girlfriend. </p>

<p>Just want to say thank you Schmoomcgoo.</p>

<p>Your first suggestion is my biggest fear. What I figure is two obstacles that prevent me is that do people really want more friends? The second question is let say I make a friend, and she or he has other friends, and if I don’t’ become their friends, it would feel so odd. Can you ask your daughter if people do that, and do people really want more friends? Now I don’t get the second suggestion, because either I have already done that before and it didn’t work or it would make me sound so desperate.<br>
The only time I manage to make friends or made the other person (female) want to be my friend was sometime last year when I was in a 90% female class, and I got to sit next to this really cute girl. I don’t know what made me approach her but I did, I started off with a small chitchat like “hi, I’m new to this class, how you like it so far”? After a few minutes, I started to compliment her and all of a sudden she smile, and really began to talk to me. I was too honest with her, and it was actually a good thing, because I was truly shy, and told her I didn’t have any friends (yes I know) and she like “hey some of my friends is cute too, we should meet up next time”, but I never got to see her again. I think I might actually flirt with her, and it was the best feeling I have had in a long time. It the same feeling I wish I could have for more than one hour or so. My experiment with talking to female was a success, and yet I have not done since then. I guess I am not very shy anymore, and I still don’t know how I actually got the courage to approach a girl who I guess I had a crush on for weeks, not to mention just being able to sit next to her was great!</p>

<p>Schmoomcgoo, I was in the game room yesterday. I was playing pool by myself then a whole group of people came in. 7 guys and 1 super cute girls and I try to pretend everything was all right. It was so hard, I couldn’t wait to finish that pool game so the other group could play and I could leave. So is this what you mean by overcoming depression. I felt more depress than genuine enjoyment.
About the whole smiling things, well let just say I can’t smile physically (I rather not talk about it).</p>

<p>Coldwind</p>

<p>What would people think of me when I am a college sophomore with zero friends? Can you parents tell me how I should feel at this point? Should I feel proud or ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated? How does one not accept defeat in this situation? I don’t even know how I should even feel at this point. I have no words.</p>

<p>Maysixxmom </p>

<p>I have not look into local off-campus theatre. I don’t want to be where there are not people at my age groups. I have fear of going to nursing home or to the doctor office or hospital. Animal shelters seem great, and it something I have consider for a long time, but I get nervous about flea and tick, and since I never had a pet, I’m not sure what to do. It would also help if I can make money instead of volunteering as well.</p>

<p>Read the book, "The Power of Now" - very enlightening and will definitely.
My personal opinion, stop looking in the past! You keep bringing up the past and it is only hurting your present times. Anyway, definitely read "The Power of Now"</p>

<p>Next time you're playing pool in the game room and other people come in, ask if they'd like to join you. This way you can play with someone else, and maybe get to know people.</p>

<p>From all you've said, I'm afraid you come off as unapproachable to other people. You do not start conversations with others, and are always seen by yourself, even in rooms full of people where you could theoretically join a group. People probably find you intimidating, which is why no one starts conversations with you. So, you need to make the first move. In the game room, ask someone if you can join their game, or if they'd like to play a game of pool with you. When you're in the dinning common, sit down at a table with an empty seat and introduce yourself.</p>

<p>I understand that this is difficult for you, but if you don't get over your fear and approach others you will not make friends. </p>

<p>As for your questions: the majority of people are always open to new friends. Most people also have more than one group of friends, so even if you do not make friends with your friend's friends, its not a big deal. You can always hang out separately. Though I do think it would be beneficial for you to make friends with a group, not just one person. Try to find a group that you don't find too intimidating (like the super cute girls, or the jock guys), and who seem open.</p>

<p>A well run animal shelter (not a city/county animal control or services) should not have a serious flea/tick issue. If you go on a regular basis, the animals WILL remember you and WILL be very excited to see you. They need love and you appear to have plenty to share. You've never had a pet? Some of these animals have never had a human. </p>

<p>Many college students volunteer at our local humane society. I know because I see them every weekend. The local university even has an official volunteer organization started by a <em>very</em> nice young woman. If yours doesn't, you could start one. A volunteer position can always turn into a paid position once they get to know you.</p>

<p>Local theatre groups attract people of all ages, male and FEMALE. </p>

<p>You never know what will happen until you TRY. Don't dismiss anything right away.</p>

<p>Maysi this guy needs more than animal interactin he needs a human friend.</p>

<p>^He sounds like he could use ANY kind of friend. Including an animal one. Animal friends (ie pets, though animals at the shelter work, too) can be very comforting, and animals can help your loneliness just like people can.</p>

<p>Plus, when you volunteer, you tend to get to know the people you are working with, especially if it is a regular commitment.</p>

<p>The only thing in your life you can control is your attitude. I am sensing your attitude is defeating you before you even go out the door every morning. </p>

<p>If you are convinced you are always alone, even in a room full of people, you will be alone. </p>

<p>If you, yourself, judge people, by appearance for instance, then you open yourself up to be judge in an equally demeaning way. </p>

<p>If you decide that everyone else has it easier, then they do. </p>

<p>Every day you decide that your life sucks, then it sucks. </p>

<p>So far, it seems to me, you have rejected most of the suggestions and recommendations you have received. You have given us a lot of reasons why nothing works, and as Youpa says, you use the past as your proof positive for why everyone else is doing great except for you. </p>

<p>You need to be lifted out of your current mind set into a new one. I don't know how you will accomplish that.....but you need new reference points, as soon as possible. Professional help, physical activity, mentors, family, faith, something as banal as mouthwash etc etc are routes that others have taken and they found success. Perhaps you should do nice things for others with the objective of not being found out. That way you can personally feel good about yourself......and slowly but surely over time, you will start to radiate positive vibes?</p>

<p>CC is a wonderful resource, but it is electronic and not part of your real life. Start today with 1 real action you take and record the results. Give yourself a chance. Believe that you can change your life.....as the saying goes, you only have 1 life to live....so LIVE it as though it matters...... find the good in your life.....it can be as simple as "I am getting educated" and be thankful for the good, every day. Everyone can feel thankful..... life is relative, stop believing that everyone else's life is better. It just isn't true.... lots of folks have hard challenges and they still slog on and put on a game face, or change their focus to continue to move forward. </p>

<p>Get help if you need it.....control your attitude, or take steps to learn how to..... challenge yourself to do something kind every single day.....</p>

<p>"I just figure that when it all done, I’ll probably own around 500 dollars for therapy alone, which is a lot of money for me."</p>

<p>Isn't the opportunity to not feel miserable any more worth more than $500 to you?</p>

<p>I strongly suggest that you get a complete physical to see if any medical problems are causing your feelings, which sound very much like depression.</p>

<p>Also get involved in therapy with a licensed therapist who is experienced in treating teens with your kind of concerns.</p>

<p>Your problems aren't going to magically vanish. You have to take responsibility for feeling better, and you need to do that by seeking the help you need.</p>

<p>My perspective comes from my own personal experiences with depression as well as my having previously worked as a clinical psychologist. Therapy combined with medication completely changed my life. I was in my 50s when I finally turned to medication. Even though I knew that therapy plus medication usually is the best treatment for depression, I'd been reluctant to go on medication. Once I did, though, and worked up to the correct dose, my entire life changed -- in a wonderful way.</p>

<p>You are fortunate: You're still very young, and if you get help, you can have decades of having a life without depession, decades that I missed out on because of my reluctance to take medication.</p>

<p>I'm not saying that medication definitely is what you need. I am saying, though, you need to go to medical and psychological professionals to get the help you obviously need.</p>