College is a nightmare for me

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi I post a thread a few weeks back and I apologize for not responding to all of the helpful advices I got from the parents on here, and the few pm I got. I just want to say even though I haven't reply, I read each and every person reply, and as such I decided to be a little more honest and more open this time around.</p>

<p>My other threads was entitle "how do I make friends with your son and daughter" in case anyone miss it.</p>

<p>Well I like to fill in all of the missing piece and how I been doing lately.</p>

<p>When I'm at college, I have this feeling of utter loneliness. It is not something that happen rarely, as I haven't had a decent social life since freshman and sophomore year of high school before my big split. Ever since I was force to move high school during my junior year, I have become somewhat off a social outcast, which is something I'm not proud off. It felt like the world just turn upside down for me, and everything I had were lost. I lost the chance to have a girlfriend, someone who was nice, passionate, caring, and loyal and every time I'm with her, I cherish each and every moment. </p>

<p>I don't think I have ever been myself ever since the big split, I couldn't do half the things I use to, and have revered back to being quiet and timid, and college has just become high school for me. It has completely overwhelm me, and I'm not talking about the school work here. Someday it feel much worst than high school because I don't have a "safe spot" like my own room at home to hide, and it is becoming very emotional and depressing.</p>

<p>In one of my lecture class, they were playing a song by Billy Joel about OBAMA first speech in the video, and my eyes became watery. I don't know whether the song was sad or beautiful, but it made me think so much about my life, how much I have fallen off the planet, how I lack so many human quality, that it is just unreal. What kind of person goes to college with the goal of waking out of bed and surviving each and every day? Everyday for me is cold and brutal, the large numbers of PDA, the love for one another, the large group of friends, the laughter and smile outside, and the knowledge that they won't have to worry about eating alone, worry about who to hang out with, worry what to do when their done with all their school work. I lack all these things, I'm starting to question my existence, and how I feel so introvert even though I'm around people outside.</p>

<p>I saw my school off campus referral specialist and I feel that it might be my best option. However I did to pay 200 dollars deductibles and 10 dollars co-pay afterward, which 3 off my school books alone cost around 100+ dollars. I just don't know if these therapist will help me, I have too many issue, to many problems majority surrounding my childhood. But I feel that I will never be "normal", never been like everyone else without their help, and money is just too tight right now. </p>

<p>I guess the majority of my self-hatred and self-doubt has to do with the typical stereotype, and because of this I fear the way people treat and react toward me. I really want to be like everyone else, but I was raise up in a strict religious upbring, and how can I reverse the whole process? I know I can't alone, don't know if its even possible, but I can't live like this either, and I just can't live with myself.</p>

<p>I feel pathetic, ashame, doubtful like an Alien venturing into the unknown. I don't see myself like everyone else, I feel cold, someday emotionless, and just seem like a waste of space. Most of all I feel unloved, and its is such a horrible feeling. There is no invisible compass to point me in the right direction, there is no idea "easy button", and maybe what even worst is there is no support by my family what so ever on any issues. Its funny how they treat me like an adult by not support or helping me pay for my therapy, yet when I'm at home they treat me like a kid.</p>

<p>Right now I feel hopeless, I don't matter to anyone, no one know I exist, I am too troublesome to befriend, to mundane to talk to, and the list goes on. Every walk outside is a painful and struggling step for step, and it seem I just want to sleep my day away.</p>

<p>I want help, I need help, I want love, I need love, I want friendship, I lead friendship, but of course will it ever happen is another thing.</p>

<p>Sorry I am not too good with grammar</p>

<p>Feel free to ask me any question you might have</p>

2

<p>collegeboi, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time with this. You are NOT alone! We are all here for you and I trust you will continue to seek the help you need. I cannot say it strongly enough: going to a therapist is WELL WORTH THE MONEY!!! I know your problems and issues seem too big to overcome right now, but that is what this person is there for. Give it a chance!!!</p>

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<p>Good morning, collegeboi99. I totally understand what you have expressed. You are feeling miserable because you are lonely. Not everybody has an easy time forming new relationships. I have read other posts in the past from students with similar feelings. Now for the $64,0000 question: how to change it. It sounds like you have been working on trying to change it, but haven't gotten too far. Please don't give up. Do you like theater at all? That is a great way to meet people. There are different things you could do even if you don't act, like being on the stage crew and it is fun. Another idea is tutoring. This is a great way to meet people plus you might be able to make a few bucks or even volunteer a little. Keep your eyes open for any opportunities to be with/work with other students, like committees for various things. Have you actually tried to talk to your parents in depth about how you feel? Have you given them a real chance to help you? It is possible that they just don't get it. Most parents love their children dearly and would do anything to help them. It may not appear that way, but it is true. This is a battle for you. I want you to win the war.</p>

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<p>You sound like a good insightful person, and realizing your problem and reaching out for help are two very important steps you have taken. In addition to therapy, it probably would help to start a course of antidepressants. The meds would address the biochemical aspect of depression. Perhaps the MD at student health service or their consulting psychiatrist could prescribe the appropriate medicine and monitor you closely. Best wishes to you.</p>

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<p>One thing you can do is get physically active. Walk, run, use the gym..... listen to inspiring music or books on an iPod...... most colleges have gyms available for student use. Getting physical will use some of your energy in a different way and leave you less energy to obsess or focus on what you do not have or don't measure up to. You will feel better for having done something....you will be tired..... you will be hungry.... and you will have something to talk about when you sit down in the cafeteria.... go for a swim, snowshoe, take a hike......do something every day.....you will not regret it......</p>

<p>Also, put a rubber band on your wrist....every time you think a negative thought, snap it and slowly but surely you will realize that you are wasting time on the wrong things. </p>

<p>Look around you and find someone who looks even sadder or lonelier than you.... befriend them. Every single person has something to offer..... smile....smile... smile...
google a web site for a joke a day.....so you can lighten someone else's day.... </p>

<p>volunteer for meals on wheels or something else like that.....read to kids in local elementary school.......</p>

<p>I am not ignoring your sadness or depression.....but I am challenging you to put those fears in a "lockbox" if you will and focus on others for a month and see if you feel better after 30 days.</p>

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<p>Collegeboi,
Please hang in there with your therapy. You sound clinically depressed to me and that is a medical issue that must be treated. If your therapist recommends medication, I would follow his/her guidance on this.</p>

<p>As for things you might do yourself to ,at least, temporarily alleviate these feelings of sadness, have you tried regular aerobic exercising? Some friends of mine who have struggled with depression work out on a daily basis by running, using an exercise bicycle, elliptical trainer, etc. The intense exercise brings some relief from the feelings of loneliness and sadness. Does your college have a gym available to you?</p>

<p>Finally, just have faith that you will get better. Your feelings of sadness will pass and you will make friends and find meaning and joy in life.</p>

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<p>College boy,</p>

<p>Please hang in there. If you can not afford counsleing, does your school have any peer to peer. Even if you are not really religous, are there any campus minsitries you can stop in to (inlcuding HIllel, catholic, etc etc). These people will accept you.</p>

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<p>I hope that your vacation over break was a little less stressful than being at college. It does sound like you are clinically depressed which is normal and common for many people your age and older. I would definitely see the therapist but do go to the student health service and try some antidepressants. Although, medicine is not the cureall, in many cases like yours, it will take the edge off so you can adapt better to the new surroundings. With the therapist, ask them if they have a sliding scale which you could use. Many non MD therapists will not suggest medication since they can not prescribe them so you have to see an md, pa, or np.
Volunteering and church groups can mean instant friends. When I was at Chapel Hill, it was very lonely at first and the student church group at the newman center was a refreshing relief from any unpleasant situation. College church groups are nothing like going to church back at home. As a volunteer on a regular basis you meet the same people and become friends. Also, if there is an international dorm/center, they usually have monthly potlucks where you can meet people easily.<br>
You should also be able to talk to your RA in the dorm and they can get you in touch with campus options.</p>

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<p>Since this is the start of second semester, why don't you look for some transfer students at your school who will not know anyone. They might be happy for someone to be their guide/mentor and eventually friend. Ask in the dept. office of your major or ask the RAs in the dorms who is new. The school might not give out this information. </p>

<p>Invite them to eat with you in the cafeteria, work out with you, take a walk/tour around campus, study (you can show them the library/computer facilities). These people may or may not become longterm friends, but you will be doing something productive, and I guarantee that they will remember your kindness.</p>

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<p>Are you still close with your family? I'm asking, because if your depression continues, you may want to considering moving home and going to a local college for a year or two. There is no set time table for when young adults are ready to move out of the home and be independent. My daughter lives at home while attending community college - she's always been very social - but she seems to do better when she has that family base right in her back pocket. I don't imagine her moving out of the family home for another 2 - 3 years and by then I am confident that <em>she</em> will feel confident.</p>

<p>The idea of college as a learning institute is wonderful - but there is a social component that doesn't always "fit" each person wanting to go to college. There are introverts, extroverts and everything inbetween. If one is working on other issues of rejection or just confusion about where one is headed in life, the fast pace of college can just be overwhelming... again, the fast pace of college isn't always a "fit" for everyone. It has nothing to do with maturity, either. Only in the western culture have we bought into "good = fast". </p>

<p>Honor where you are emotionally. Find a situation where you do have a little bit more privacy and more time to think things through. There is no shame in going to school part time or taking a gap year. Just because all your college peers are running around appearing happy and content doesn't mean they all feel okay inside - many are also struggling emotionally. Again, college is not the right fit for everyone socially speaking... consider part time, transferring, gap year, or filling your life with activities (solo or otherwise) that fill your need to connect with others at your own speed.</p>

<p>Annika</p>

11

<p>Thank you churchmusicmom
I just figure that when it all done, I’ll probably own around 500 dollars for therapy alone, which is a lot of money for me.</p>

<p>Sonssecty
I have been trying to get into theatre since forever. That and joining a frat was the two of the things I wanted to get in. If I have gotten in theatre, I’m pretty sure that I will be surrounded by lot of girls because there are more girls in the theatre and boys, and I could befriend them, and pretty much talk to them the whole time. When I couldn’t get in, I was so bum out, that I drop my ART class so that I can take theatre, but I’m afraid it would only work if that was during first quarter of fall, since I will have to wait till next year for that class to be open, and by then I would have already become a Junior already. And it would just be too late, as I feel no matter how hard I try, it seem like the society doesn’t want me to have any friends. Sorry writing about theatre makes me very emotional, and sometime I cry knowing that things would have gone the other way if only the Professor would have let me in. I don’t think there is any other easier way than theatre, but now it too late. I have try theatre for 2 years now and have not gotten in. I really feel extremely crappy when anyone talk about theatre or how fun it is. I can only dream “what if” but that as far as life will take me.
Tutoring for me won’t work, because I’m not good at anything actually. I just get by college with passing grades. Most of it has to do my depression due to loneliness.
I have talks to my parents before and they do understand what I go through, but don’t really want to be bothered with it, however as much help as they can give me, they are actually the main problem for me. If I had a different set of parents, I don’t believe I would even be in this situation in the first place, and it the only reasons why I went to a college far from home.</p>

<p>Calgal
I was on anti-depressants all of last year, and it really didn’t work for me, as the side-affect was too overwhelming, and the cost was too high.</p>

<p>Maineparent
I actually do work out at the gym for about 2 months now and most of my music are very inspiring. I wish I could tell who was sadder or lonelier than me, but when I think some girls is lonely, her boyfriend come up to her out of nowhere and he make her seem so happy. It seem everyone has friends and the one who don’t are lock up in their room somewhere. Even the really shy girls at my school are dating Jerk or are too shy and timid to do anything, and like the attention.
Thank you for the advice but I am not very patience at this point, I was alone all of last year, and I just can’t stand it. It just too much for one person to handle, especially when people who know what I go through don’t care. </p>

<p>Yorkyfan, I have done aerobic exercising before, and it doesn’t really relieve my sadness whatsoever. </p>

<p>kayf
My mom is Catholic and would force her religion on me everyday when I’m at home, so now I choose to be atheist. I would rather much leave religion alone at this point because it has cost me too much. I used to be very religious but then society turn it back on me, and I began to hate my very creation and the false practice in which I believe in. There is no church on my school campus as well, because a school that allows anyone to go streaking, well it speaks for itself. And kayf I don’t want pit from people, and I hate to admit I have no friends, because either I have pride or foolish pride, but either way I don’t want any sympathy or pity.</p>

<p>Futureholds
I actually live in an apartment, a bit when I got in was a huge disappointment because there were no girls, meaning it wasn’t co-ed. Another one off my “what if” scene, which seem to occurs more than I could bare at times. Other people wouldn’t probably drink their day away but I’m not much of a drinker, if at all, and I hate to drink alone.</p>

<p>Tango14
What is funny, was like last year a transfer Junior transferring during Winter quarter on my floor made friends within 2 days of moving. I was shock and ashamed that I couldn’t be like him. He made me feel inferior in every way without ever knowing.</p>

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<p>I get that this is hard for you. You really sound upset. So here's my advice:</p>

<p>Get out into your college and get involved. Join a club or a team, volunteer, join some group on campus. It's too bad theater didn't work out for you, but there are other options, you just have to find them. Clubs are pretty much instant friends, or at least you will spend a few hours a week with other people, talking and doing stuff. </p>

<p>Another idea is to find some parties that are open to everyone, and go to those. Parties are a great place to meet people, if you are able to get over your quietness enough to talk to people there.</p>

<p>If these things seem a bit too drastic to start with, why don't you try talking to one of the kids in your class? Get to know some people that you'll have to spend time with, anyway. You might find a new friend, or at least have someone to talk to.</p>

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<p>collegeboi99: You say that you're not good at anything. Well, now, I don't know you, but I think you are selling yourself short. Your biggest problem is your low self-esteem. Perhaps this comes across when you are talking with people and causes their disinterest. Come on, there's nothing special about you? No way. There is nothing that you do better than some other people? There is nothing about your personality (e.g. funny, kind) that sets you apart from other people? </p>

<p>Your mother being religious and trying to shove it down your throat is definitely a problem. Some people really do go to extremes. You don't need to be an atheist just because of this, though. Try a Christian church, like Baptist. If you don't feel comfortable there, try another. Or see if there are any groups at school for students who are Christians. They would probably be very welcoming to you. Also, you seem very focused on girls which is great, of course, but you also need guy friends. </p>

<p>Advice given with love.</p>

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<p>Take a gap year, go to a poor country, help poor children how to write and sing. You will feel loved.</p>

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<p>I gather from your comments and writing style that English is probably not your first language. Could this perhaps add to your feelings of aloneness and not fitting in?
Does your college have a social group or club for people of your culture or ethnicity? It's probably something you've already thought of, but figured it couldn't hurt to mention.</p>

<p>Also - do your parents know the true extent of your unhappiness? And do you think a different school would be a better fit, or just present more of the same challenges?</p>

<p>Good luck - you have a lot of parents here on CC wishing you the best!</p>

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<p>I'd like to say at first that you shouldn't worry a lot about therapy not improving your feelings instantly. It will take a long time, but it will be worthwhile. If it wasn't I don't think so many people would submit to it for so long.</p>

<p>You seem to be really interested in meeting girls. I know this may be a strange concept but have you ever thought about speed dating? Since you are a college student you may not have a lot of time...so it is short...haha. All the girls there want to meet someone, and if the conversation goes bad you guys can end it! That way you could practice talking with girls, and maybe make some friends, or even a girlfriend!</p>

<p>Try not to focus on your past, that seems to have caused a large unhappiness with you. Focus on the present, and setting goals for yourself and working to meet them. Consider each step an accomplishment, not just the completion of the ultimate goal. </p>

<p>You can get out of this!!!!</p>

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<p>You said you were very interested in theater, but couldn't get into the course this year. This should not stop you! There are more ways to get involved in theater than just taking the theater classes and courses. </p>

<p>Right now, this term, this week: you can volunteer to work on the crew or backstage of any student or faculty production. They often need helpers, for example: props, scenery, lighting, costume help, hair/make-up, special effects. It's an extra-curricular and you don't need to take a course in it. The rehearsals are in the evenings and on weekends, so that's when you want to have some social activity anyway, when classes aren't in session. </p>

<p>If one production says no, they have enough helpers, just keep asking another one until you get a "yes" from someone. </p>

<p>If you're not sure how to find all the productions, look on your school's website in teh Theater Department for their department productions. If those are all taken care of, then look for student productions. These less formal productions, written, directed and produced by students without faculty help. It's just as much fun. These might be advertised by flyers on the bulletin boards around the department, or through your school's email system where they look for volunteers for student events. You can even post yourself as offering help, if you find the places where the theater students post in your university. "Theater Help Offered" is music to the ears of many busy student directors. If you've never done it before, say so and that you'll be anyone's assistant. </p>

<p>You could also phone the Theater Department secretary, or contact someone on the theater faculty. Just ask which are the student directors who might want help right now on productions just getting started. Email and offer your volunteer help to the director, whose name is on the poster/flyer usually. </p>

<p>You don't need to be enrolled in any academic course to do this backstage work! Good luck. I agree that theater is very social and a good path to meet people. You don't have to be on stage; there are too many people that want to be the stars on stage, but not enough who want to help the team succeed from backstage. All are necessary and important, so your work should be appreciated and that's how friendships can begin. </p>

<p>You have to be dependable, show up on time, pay attention to the directions, and have the materials in place at the right time for the other people. It's all teamwork. If you keep your commitment to the production, they will like you very much. Being dependable and reasonably pleasant (no big deal, just sane) is the way to gain the trust and friendship of people in theater. You really don't have to make a big deal about yourself socially; instead, just do your tasks cheerfully without complaint. In time, you will be noticed for a good job, and friends will come that way. Meanwhile, you will be learning new things and sharing in the excitement of productions. Take something along to do during rehearsals because not every minute is fascinating. For example, if you draw, bring a pad and pencil to doodle; if you knit or do portable crafts, bring it in a backpack for the down-time. Sometimes you kind of hang there without a task, and that's just part of what happens. If you're doing something, that's a kind of ice-breaker so others can say hi and ask you what you're doing, to begin a conversation. A rehearsal can take hours, and you might not be busy every single minute. So be creative with your wait-time, too. Anyway, best wishes and good luck.</p>

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<p>My heart goes out to you.</p>

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<p>Please give us updates -- as to theatre -- please consider being assistant business manager. Looks good on resume, and you will get invited to same after and pre parties. Also lighting.</p>

20

<p>If you are organized and can muster up some energy, you can also volunteer to be a student manager for one of the sports teams at your college. It immediately makes you a member of very friendly club. You will meet people and be part of the "athletic family." On the plus side, you will work long hours and will not have time to be lonely, you will be around people all of the time, you will meet alumni at events, and you will be able to have great work experience on your resume. Student managers duties vary from school to school and sport to sport, but you can google the general job description and see if it is appealing to you. The best way to get the job is to walk into the coach's office and ask for it. Of course, if your college has the number one football team in the world, they will probably not take an inexperienced volunteer manager, but many sports can use the extra help and are very welcoming to newbies. If you are unsure, find the lowest ranked, least attended, non-revenue sport at your school, go to a game and see if they look like they could use some help.
One more thing, I did read somewhere a while back that people who volunteered to help others had a decrease in their depression symptoms that equaled that of some anti-depressants. It may be worth a try to volunteer, though I know it would be a big challenge to start that during a depression. Ask your therapist if that is a good idea for you and get advice on how to follow up.</p>