College is a Time to Grow

Parent Cafe
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Is anyone else just hoping their kids are ready for the college experience? So many young people appear to already have accomplished so much, are so mature and polished. My twin Ds seem so young and fragile. Am I alone in being concerned about their ability to fit in, make friends, stand up for themselves and take advantage of all their schools (and life) will have to offer?

As a bit of background, I’m a reasonably successful mathematician, my wife a teacher. Our immediate families include an artist, a couple of surgeons, an attorney, an accountant, multiple educators including a college professor, and a college administrator. Our Ds are probably smarter than their parents - D1 got 760 on her verbal SAT without a minute of prep and has an knack for computer and studio art with little training. D2 puts deep thoughts to paper that I never could have conceived at 17, and she easily grasps calculus despite her disdain for math and science.

But they are not at all competitive, lack the confidence we see in so many others, and are relative shy. Every time we sit through a college visit and watch the accomplished, extroverted kids talk about their college experiences, I just want to shout out “Please tell us you started out here 4 years ago as a frightened teenager with more worries than you could count!”

Our college search started a couple years ago, and we visited almost 20 schools from DC to NY, combining vacations with visits early on in the process. We visited large urban schools like GW and large suburban ones like American and Delaware, but discovered our most likely matches at small LACs relatively close to home. While we would have supported them if they were interested in more selective schools, they gravitated to a few that made them feel good about themselves. Hopefully these places will give them the individual attention from which I think they’ll benefit.

D2 was accepted to Franklin & Marshall, Dickinson, and Gettysburg, but she will end up at Muhlenberg or more likely Ursinus (if admitted students day goes well tomorrow, we may commit before the day is over). D1 could have realistically applied to even more selective schools, but she’s just not interested in the competition or prestige factor. She also really likes Ursinus and Muhlenberg, but she’s more likely to commit to Moravian after tomorrow. They both understand that the excellent merit they’ve been offered is an important factor, especially given there are two of them and grad school is likely as well.

I guess I should be happy that they feel okay enough about this whole thing to consider attending separate schools. At the same time I can’t help but feel it would be nice to have their best friend nearby as a safety net. If I’m lucky, it will turn out that I’m the one with false concerns, and that they’ll thrive in this next phase of their lives. But I can’t help but be apprehensive. Does anyone else out there have similar worries or anything to share that will allay my fears?

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The kids you meet at college visits – the tour guides or ambassadors or others who interact with applicants – are self-selected. They’re not representative of the student body as a whole. Introverts can do just fine in college and beyond, but they don’t choose to host pre-freshmen or lead tours because these activities don’t appeal to them.

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It’s all about finding your tribe. They sound like very accomplished young ladies. They will make friends and join clubs that appeal to them which will help them find their voice. I’m sure you’ll see them blossom as they get settled in to their new world. It takes some longer than others, but most do just fine.

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@RandyErika Not to be mean, but it sounds like you are the one who has an issue not them. You started the process early and they are looking at high quality LACs and you are the one lamenting twice they are not choosing a selective, prestigious competitive option. So they choose based on comfort, we suggest that to most all students here to choose based on fit. Let them be who they are and don’t let them think that you think that they are lacking because they aren’t drawn to competition or prestige or they are shy. There are all kinds of people in this world and there is nothing wrong with being shy. Sounds like they are not weak. Sounds like they are perfectly competent young women who excel at school and in spite of their parent’s desire for them to choose a certain kind of school, they choose the ones they are comfortable with. Sounds like strong young women to me. It’s hard to disappoint your parents and they sound smart enough and sensitive enough to understand what you think about them and their choices. This is discussed in the Seven Habits for Highly Successful People if you are interested. It’s in the beginning in which the author discusses his relationship with his son. Just enjoy them for who they are and let them know that you are confident in them and mean it.

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Your post is really touching! You sound so in tune with your daughters, who sound, in turn, like mature and levelheaded young women. I’m on the small, non-competitive LAC bandwagon. My own daughter attends one in the Midwest that is fairly selective, but the academic atmosphere is collaborative rather than competitive. I think this is most likely the best kind of environment for kids who are a little less outgoing, because classes are small, kids are generally friendly, and it makes it easier to make friends. My daughter mostly made friends in her classes because there is a lot of interaction between students, something I imagine happens a lot less when you sit in a huge lecture hall with 300 students who just silently take notes.

And I’ll add this: my daughter isn’t at Muhlenberg but we all really liked it when we visited and got a very friendly vibe there. Also, a good friend has a daughter at Ursinus and she’s having a great experience! Best of luck to your daughters!

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You know, it’s funny.

I’m the moderator of NHS at my school. Whenever we have a bunch of kids working a big event for incoming freshmen, here’s what I tell them:

Yes, of course you have to be informative and polite. But what I really want from you is this: I want these parents to look at you and say “THAT’S the person I want my little 13 year old to be in 4 years.”

I think the same is true of those of us with graduating seniors. We see the kids giving these tours and say “My own child is light years away from that polished, sophisticated adult. How on earth will my child fit in?”

I think we just have to trust that our kids, like the kids we see in front of us, will find their way.

Oh, and one of last year’s Seniors with whom I was close is at Muhlenberg… and absolutely LOVES it!!

Your daughters will bloom where they’re planted. And they’ll do you proud!

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Although my D entered college academically prepared, she was socially immature and unsure of herself. Three years later she has grown into a thoughtful, well spoken, competent, and confident young woman. Yours will too ! Beware though, it does take some students longer than others, it doesn’t come easy for some, and that was the case for us. It was a tough transition for the first six months.

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@NEPatsGirl and I have similar stories. Your worries will not come to fruition, I am almost certain. My shy and (not as) awkward daughter is blossoming into a mature young woman who is discovering what matters to her. She’s definitely had a VERY difficult time settling into college. But she had the get through it, and she did.

Be prepared for bumps in the road. Tell your daughters the same, tbh. It might start off rocky, but if they persevere, it will probabaly work out fine. And don’t let it get to you if they do have a hard time. I was unprepared for how hard it would be for my kid and I let myself get far too upset about the situation.

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And keep in mind that they will call home to VENT to you. So you’ll get all upset and an hour later, they’ll be fine! I’ve heard that happens really often. As parents, our first inclination is to jump in and fix everything for them, but they have to learn how to deal with life’s challenges.

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100% true, @MaineLonghorn ! I’d be so upset after I talked to her, then my husband would talk to her later and she’d be chatty and talking about how much fun she had had on the day excursion. You are a human garbage can!

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Thank you all for your comments thus far. @gearmom I appreciate your thoughts and don’t want to sound defensive; but I think you might gotten the wrong impression. All we want for our Ds is to find the place that is right for “them”. I have nothing but love and respect for who they are. I’m just worried that they’re not emotionally prepared for what’s about to confront them, much less conquer the world. I certainly wasn’t, and I know firsthand how difficult it can be for a shy kid who feels like everyone else is a lot more comfortable in their own skin.

As @IBviolamom stated so well, we’re hoping they find their place in a collaborative environment that suits their personalities and helps them grow. Ideally they will figure out what they’re passionate about and that their new environments will help to nurture those passions. Either way, we’ll be there for them, sharing in their both their struggles and triumphs.

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You’re not alone in worrying about it, but the real thing is they’re not alone in being uncertain at home and polished in public. The difference is your ability to see behind your DD’s facade but not that of the other kids.

To get where they are took brains, hard work and the understanding of how to use the high school system. If they understand that college is the same sort of game, less most of the stupid popularity nonsense, then they can go into it looking for aspects that appeal to them and claiming the best parts for themselves. If that’s only academics then fine, be a grind. But if you want to try for the ballroom dance club (or team! who knew?) then jump in. The thing is to realize that by reducing your load to four or five courses there’s an expectation that you dig down deeper in those classes and still have time to spread out and experience a broader slice of life in other areas. Know yourself (or for some, meet yourself or invent yourself) and then pick a place that’ll offer what you might want to do or try or be.

My DD is at Muhlenberg and is having a blast. The people are nice, academics solid, she has a spot on her athletic team, there are opportunities to try new things, and the stuff she thought she gave up was still there for here. She was missing her music and joined a student orchestra. She found a volunteer gig where she helps kids with special needs ride horses at a nearby stable. But it’s very likely that she could have had a similar experience at a dozen other schools. It’s the same for most kids. If you’re concerned about your DDs, just encourage them to jump in with both feet and know that a major goal of this phase of their education is not straight academics. They’ll eventually take what they want from it.

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I think your D’s are making good choices with small LACs. My girls have a friend who is very quiet and reserved. She started out at a huge state school and hated it. Now she is at a small Christian school further from home and thriving. She is actually a twin as well, and in a different state from her sister/best friend. We have noticed in the past that her twin would often finish her sentences, so being apart may be a good thing to help her find her own voice.

My own daughter has grown a lot in her freshman year at college. She drives anywhere, cooks her own food, handles school and work matters, and has found herself being the ‘social leader’ of her apartment of 4 reserved girls. They depend on her to think of and plan fun things to do together, which is not a position she is used to being in.

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@RandyErika

Your comment about “ending up at Muhlenberg” is a little odd. It’s a great school.

So is Ursinus.

Kids grow where they are planted.

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@RandyErika Are the girls telling you that they are concerned about going to college?

They are going to be fine and figure it out. They might not be conquer the world type people. They might be something completely different. They might be care for the world type people. So you started the college process when they were 14 or 15, you cite surgeons and professors in your family, you lament they haven’t picked for prestige, competition and selectivity. I have no doubt that you love them to pieces but you have to let them be who they are and not live through them or have them live to impress others. You said that you were shy and that was difficult. Everyone has difficulties at that age. You thought that everyone else was comfortable in their own skin but you know what? They weren’t. They like all the other kids their age trying to figure themselves out and get a footing. Just because you’re loud or outgoing doesn’t mean that you’re not haunted with doubts. Plenty of people seem like they have it all but you don’t really know the true person behind the mask. That is why some suicides are so shocking.

The girls seem confident enough not to choose the same school. Doesn’t sound weak at all. And maybe they will struggle but everyone struggles. That’s how you grow. Unless they have come to you and expressed doubt and fear and asked for help, this sounds like your personal worry and anxiety. And that is normal too for a parent but at this age, the best thing you can do is let them find their own footing and however hard as a parent. It’s more difficult for you than them. I know. We all go through it.

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Keep in mind, the overwhelming huge percent of the population doesn’t arrive at college with a built in best friend. And they do just fine.

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@thumper1 Please don’t misunderstand me, all of us were very impressed with Muhlenberg, and I would be thrilled to send either D there. By “ending up” I was simply referring to the culmination of the decision process, and certainly didn’t mean to imply any element of “settling”.

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If they choose Muhlenberg and Moravian they will be close enough to see each other regularly if they desire.

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IMHO I think that everyone will be fine. Dad included. The daughters have great choices. Great learning communities that will allow them to grow and try new and exciting things and possibly fail and get back up and try again and be successful. It is what we should want for all our kids at college. They will call and complain sometimes, its a given. They so don’t want you to fix it, just listen. When they get done they will feel better and you will need to go hit a bucket of golf balls or something! They will still be close and they will each forge their own path at whatever school they choose. Hug them and support them and just enjoy the next chapter. Best of luck to everyone!

20

I understand the concerns, my son is a introvert. He’s very talented on stage, but off stage he’s a very quirky introvert. In general, it is easier to move about society as an extrovert, so I do wonder about the first year of college for my son. The stats of the % of kids that don’t finish in 4 years should have all parents ask the question - are they ready. With an introvert, it’s hard to know.