College is no fun... What to do?

Student Lounge College Life
1

Hi everyone,

I’m nearing the end of my freshman year at Haverford College. However, I’m really not having a good time.
Now, I have had a really hard time making friends with people at Haverford, through any means– girls don’t seem interested in talking to me, and guys lose interest as soon as they find out that I don’t want to hook up with them. No one really gets my sense of humor. I’ve been told so many times to “just join a club,” but invariably I end up being excluded from the group, and there aren’t even any clubs that I’m drawn to. It seems like a lot of people at Haverford really value being drunk and/or high, and hooking up a lot, and then talking about it, which is a social scene I don’t want to participate in… Basically my social life ends up being hanging out with my lovely boyfriend (who goes to a different school) once a week and then forcing myself to try to pretend to be someone I’m not in order to have brief conversations with Haverford students so I don’t go insane from solitary confinement.

On the plus side, the professors are great, but I don’t feel very enthusiastic about my classes most of the time, even though they’re in subjects I’m interested in, and I can’t find anything in particular WRONG with them. They’re just sort of decent, I guess, but I can’t help thinking I’d have a better time if I just learned whatever I wanted to on my own.

Another problem is that I feel sick all the time when I’m at Haverford, either because the food is icky or because I just get uncomfortable from literally being on campus now.

I didn’t really “choose” Haverford, since it was basically the least bad of several schools that I ended up getting into. Because of that, sometimes I wonder if I would have a better time anywhere else, or if I’m one of those people who just doesn’t really have fun at college.

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else is having a similar experience of apathy towards their college, where it’s not that anything is HORRIBLE, just that nothing is really GREAT. Is it a sign of poor fit, or just that college won’t be the super fun experience it is sold as?

I’d like to note that there are lots of students here who absolutely love Haverford, so it’s clearly a great fit for a bunch of people. If that’s what you think, it could definitely be a good match. I went in thinking I might not like it, and sadly I was right.

Sincerely,
Haversad

2

Things will not be different at another school. Why don’t you get a job in something you are interested in - school paper, a lab, a business, and see if you like the real world more than school. You’d still have to go to school, of course, but you’d have a focus outside of school. Can you do a semester abroad next year? That will give you a change of scenery and people. Do you have the ability to take one class that is really outside your wheelhouse, like an art class or an acting class that would introduce you to a different group of people? A class at a consortium school?

3

I disagree @twoinanddone. Schools have a vibe and it can make a world of difference depending on how you react to that atmosphere. While @Haversad could experience similar situations at another school (college students are drinking and hooking up everywhere), a school with a larger student body, or located in a less rural/suburban area, offers many more options than a small, selective LAC.

Transferring wouldn’t be too difficult and now that you’ve experienced what you don’t want in a school, you might be able to find a better fit.

And hang in there. Nothing lasts forever. :slight_smile:

4

Dear Haversad,

Yes, your experience is a common one. First, try to pick classes you love and have an interest in. It is after all a school. Next, join some groups with people who share your same interests, then pick a couple out of character to stretch yourself. Get out of your head, and join a group that gives back to the community or a vulnerable population. Finally, pick one other person at the cafe or in your class who seems alone, and reach out to them and make a friend. Really listen to them. Go out and make a group of friends. Ask someone to go to dinner with you, and pretty soon, you’ll have someone asking you. Good Luck. Making genuine friends takes time, but it will happen. Go out of your way to help someone. Love the school that loves you. Try to make a difference in your community and it will pay off 10 fold. Soon you will be Haverhappy. You’ll see.

5

Haverford’s main source of social weakness may connect to the collegiate gender imbalance in the bi-college relationship. Some of your concerns may relate to social factors common to most colleges, but some may indeed be related to your school’s particular environment.

That said, if you personally viewed Haverford as your “least bad” choice, aspects of this preconception may have hampered your adjustment from the start of your experience there.

6

Hi,

This popped up on my Linkedin feed since I follow Haverford on Linkedin and I signed into my CC account from two years ago to reply to this lol. I go to Bryn Mawr and I 100% understand what you’re trying to say about the social scene at Haverford - most people are preppy, enjoy hooking up and drinking/smoking. Guys are only interested in talking to you if you are interested in hooking up with them and I agree that most people are just not that friendly! I understand that me going to a different campus obviously makes a difference but I’m just trying to let you know that your thoughts on Haverford are completely valid!

How is your customs group? Some halls are more distant (they all have their own friends in different halls) while some halls stick together as a hall (they’re all friends with each other etc). How is your hall in that sense? Because if anything, you could put in more effort into your friendship with your hall mates!

In terms of socializing at parties, I would say go to them even if you don’t like being drunk. Carry around a cup with you with orange juice or soda or whatever in it, and just socialize with people at parties or pregame with people - but make sure you do this with the same group of people. I would say that is a great way to get closer to people without officially making plans with them. Plus it’s easy to just ask someone “are you going to __ tonight? can I join you guys?”

Studying with a person/group of people consistently is also a good way to make friends!

Also, I am a sophomore and although I go to a different school, I ended up finding my friend group in sophomore year. Freshman year was the same for me, I did not have a solid friend group - just a lot of acquaintances and friends here and there. Do you have at least one close friend? You could befriend her friends, sit with them at lunch or study with them?

I am not entirely sure how to help or if this even helps, but don’t be too worried about it! Transferring or study abroad are options too - but I know you will find your people soon!! <3

7

I disagree with the characterization of Haverford as a school where “a lot of people…really value being drunk and/or high, and hooking up a lot, and then talking about it.” I actually think that–while it’s relative–among small liberal arts schools, fewer students value those behaviors at Haverford than at almost all of our peer schools (I am an HC alumna). I agree with @veehee 's response, above, re: school vibe, seeking a school with a larger student body and possibly more urban/accessible campus. I also agree with @merc81 that your perception of the school as your “least bad” choice may be hampering your adjustment to campus. I witnessed the exact same attitude with one of my suitemates freshman year (Haverford was her “safety” school and she didn’t get into her first choice, Princeton). She chose not to transfer to another school and, after a couple of years of re-calibrating her attitude, eventually grew to like Haverford a lot (and academically was able to do some bio research as an undergraduate that she admits would not have been possible at a larger university).

8

I completely concur with @rj1999 about the drinking and hooking up culture at Haverford. While there certainly is some of that, one of the reasons I wanted to become to Haverford was because that type of culture is so much more muted here than at other schools. I know tons and tons of people who don’t drink/smoke and hook up a lot.

9

UPenn is one of the available schools–and it’s in an urban environment. This might be a welcome break to go there for one or two classes.

Also, consider taking a break and taking a gap year. There are many things that you can do that don’t cost a lot of money and can help you find what interests you. Also one or two years makes a big difference in your early 20s in terms of maturing and changing. You may want to look at opportunities at volunteer.gov; coolworks.com; the Student Conservation Association; workaway.info and americorps. Or look at your local favorite national park. They list summer jobs. Look also at your local advocacy organizations: immigrant rights; domestic violence; gender issues; prisoners legal services; churches; tutoring underprivileged, etc Or maybe go hike the applachian trail – http://www.appalachiantrail.org/home/explore-the-trail/hiking-basics

10

Thanks, everyone, for all of your responses. It seems like there is no “simple solution” to all of this, and it was nice to hear all of your opinions.

I’d like to clarify that Haverford wasn’t a “least bad” choice because I tried and failed to get into schools I liked more; it’s more that, by the end of the whole college process, I couldn’t find any schools I felt particularly drawn to, and so just applied to recommended good fits that seemed like they might be okay and waited to see which ones I got into. Out of those, I felt like Haverford would be the best fit, even though I didn’t feel very enthusiastic about going.

I’ll see what I can do about taking a class at Penn and spending some time away from campus in various ways. That might solve my problems. Feeling a little cooped up might be part of the problem.

Thanks again for all your help.

11

My 2¢ fwiw, haversad:
I too felt disconnected from the social scene at the Ford. Yes, preppie and elitist. Bottom line, i felt pressure to confirm to something i wasn’t and didn’t want to be. (I’ll get to my “solution” in a sec)

It never occurred to me that i might take time off. In hindsight, that might have helped. Perhaps it would be even better for you bc you’re not enjoying the classes despite there being nothing wrong with them. This 1 thing makes me concerned that there’s something internal going on at least as much as haverford related.

And while even now, i believe a large school would not have been a good envoient for me, i aussi nous know that big universities are made up of collections of much smaller programs and that they often function as silos, to create a smaller school feel. PLUS they offer a ton of options for studies and careers that were never on my radar back then.

“Back then” is quite a number of years , and the end of the all-male (exception: women could transfer in) period. I was in fact, a member of the last all-make freshman class.

What worked for me was “disappearing” to Bryn Mawr. Unlike the pressure to confirm i found at HC, BMC was the opposite. Everyone was expected to be different from everyone else, exceptionally individualistic. For me at that time–shy, insecure, socially isolated–it was just what i needed to get out of my shell. Nearly all my friends were Mawrters and i live on BMC’s campus soph thru sr yrs.

I’m not suggesting that’d work for you. Don’t know you or the current vibe at bmc. BUT if you want to try to turn around your experience and make staying at the Ford work for you, try looking in unexpected places for the community/vibe that’ll work for you. Or if it’s not and likely won’t be a good fit, accept that and start moving ahead w formulating and executing your plan b.

What worked for you before college? We you disengaged from classes or socially in high school? Trust me, even in a small school, there are students there with common values and experiences. It’s just tighter to find them in some places.

Finally, even as you consider why you’re the sad one and unexcited by your classes, don’t lose sight of all the good stuff you’ve got going on that brought you this far and–regardless of whether it’s right for you–got you into haverford. And realize not everything has an answer, especially by the end of freshman year or even college. Some questions go on forever yet we still need to liver life and make choices anniv te way.

Hugs and best hopes for you.

  • m
12

I’m so sorry your first year at Haverford hasn’t been what you’d hoped. I’m the parent of a junior at Haverford. She is not a big partier and finds hook up culture unappealing. She is also an introvert. Knowing herself she decided her freshman year to join the crew team. It’s actually a club sport, and welcomes anyone who would like to join. My daughter had never rowed before but learned from her Customs Person that after practices the whole team goes to dinner together. The idea of a built in social group so that she wouldn’t have the awkwardness of searching for people to eat dinner with was extremely appealing. I have no idea if crew would interest you, but the sport is centered around the people in the boat working together, in synchronicity. There is no room for or need for an individual to stand out. It is about group success, never individual success.

Being part of the team eased my daughters transition into college, and gave her a home base. Therefore, if you still want to stick it out at Haverford, I also suggest that you really explore clubs and causes that draw like minded people together both at Haverford and Bryn Mawr.

Lastly, when people have asked me what I think of Haverford, my standard response is “It has a very particular flavor”. If you are finding that the “flavor” really just isn’t for you, then by all means pursue a transfer, or take time off while you explore work or other opportunities that you find more appealing and fulfilling.

All the best.

13

Agree with the suggestion to try spending more time @ Bryn Mawr.