<p>Hi. I am the mother of an Asperger girl who is a freshman in junior college. She has a single room this year, but she is expressing a desire to have a roommate next year! I suspect this is because of the monitary savings, but hopefully may equally be a curiosity & desire to make a friend (my hopes). The man in charge of the dorms (yes, a man in charge of the Womens dorms) has asked me what type of roommate would be best matched to an Asperger. I am trying to come up with a list of characteristics. So far, I think a room mate would have to be quiet, not mindful of a mess, and academic. Does anyone else have experience with a best choice of roommates for an Aspy?</p>
<p>“So far, I think a room mate would have to be quiet, not mindful of a mess, and academic.”</p>
<p>Maybe. Can’t go wrong with that. Then again, 2 aspies could share a room together and never interact. I suppose the dream roomate would also be friendly, but not intrusive, not resentful of getting an aspie as a roomate, still be willing to ask them to go places (always being the one instigating it) and be very understanding. Of course, that’s all way too much to ask for. A kind and understanding roomate, with low social expectations would be the best. Of course, by junior year, one might be happy to have a quiet aspie roomate. My aspie son got to pick his sophomore roomate, next year.</p>
<p>I recommend you put this on the Parents Forum, as there are several threads there relating to Aspergers. If you look at some of the old threads you will definitely educate yourself about this, but some posts will make you very sad. If you put it in the cafe, it disappears far too quickly.</p>
<p>This thread has just been moved here to Parents Forum, where serious questions for college searching/admission/entry/adjustment are featured.</p>
<p>We trust you will get good response from a caring parent community!</p>
<p>Something that occurs to me (based on our son’s okay/good experience with an Aspy housemate) is that someone who has lots of brothers/sisters might already be used to living with all kinds of personalities and surprises. Someone from a big family might not consider every little detail about the roommate’s ways to be so important. PLus: a kind person. Kindness is important.</p>
<p>busdriver paints a pretty good picture, I think.</p>
<p>You should be looking for someone who is, number 1, accepting and understanding of people with social issues. That’s really most important, because these people can usually both adapt and be helpful – and maybe even a good friend.</p>
<p>Someone who is social enough to be the leader in a social setting – not a wallflower.</p>
<p>Someone who is not such a social butterfly as to completely dominate and cause your daughter to withdraw.</p>
<p>Some who is independent – who knows when your daughter needs company or needs her space.</p>
<p>I’m thinking, someone that I’d personally want to have as a husband! Oh wait, I found that person! Well, your daughter can’t have him as a roommate, but seriously, someone who can allow your daughter to be herself and isn’t judgmental or a serious A-type personality.</p>
<p>I don’t think you could request it very effectively, but I think that the ideal room mate could be someone who has a sibling with Asperger’s.</p>
<p>You might also make a list of your daughter’s good qualities and offerings as a roommate. For example, our son really liked how his Aspy housemate kept the finances for the entire house; organizing and collecting every payment from the other guys, then submitting bills on time.</p>
<p>Does she have any option to pick her own roommate, as sophmores’s usually do in most colleges, that I am aware of? If she found someone who already knew her and is a friend or aquaintance or friend-of-a-friend, wouldn’t it be ideal?</p>
<p>My son, now a senior, had a disastrous freshman year and I know it all started and made worse because of the roommate. This guy was super friendly: his best buddy from home lived across the hall, he knew the college already really well because his sister went there, he had a GF, and he knew everyone on the hall. In sum, he did not need my son for company.</p>
<p>But my son needed him. He had no friends, and was totally isolated at meals, at night, walking to class, everywhere.</p>
<p>You said your daughter is a junior, so maybe she already has a circle of friends. This makes a huge difference. But, if she needs a friend, that’s how having a roommate helps. (You can remind your daughter) they needn’t be best buddies, but just someone who can go to meals with, or talk to. Your hope, of course, is that the school will match your daughter with another kid who also needs a friend.</p>
<p>In my situation, my son shares a bathroom with a kid, but he technically has a single. At first, it wasn’t good. He thought the kid was weird, but he wasn’t looking in the mirror. They both also have issues. In the end, these two misfits are great buddies. I don’t want you to think you need to search for “another misfit”, but you do want to find a kid who is patient, understanding, and maybe could use a friend.</p>
<p>My daughter got matched with an Aspie girl last summer in a program. It worked out well and they remain friends because the girl (she later said that she had been coached) told my daughter straight out that “this is my situation, sometimes I do or say things and sometimes I misunderstand, but if you point it out to me, we can always fix it.” My daughter was then free to actually tell her when she was misreading a situation and she took the information very, very well. The great thing is that my daughter didn’t have to wonder if the girl was a snot or didn’t want to be friends, or imagine some scenario that had nothing do with reality. I am convinced that honesty and sincere asking for what you need is the best way to go.</p>
<p>The ideal ideal ideal roommate would be a girl who has a sibling with Aspergers!</p>
<p>You probably know that my son has Aspergers. When my youngest D was in about 3rd grade, she had a friend at school that she wanted to invite for a sleepover. H called the mom to arrange, who declined because she didn’t think her D would do well because she had Aspergers. But the mom was so pleased that our D was her D’s friend. </p>
<p>It was sort of a “duh!” moment…we all realized that our D didn’t see anything unusual about her friend because she was living with someone with Aspergers. What kids grow up with is “normal.”</p>
<p>The problem, of course, is that the person matching up roommates probably doesn’t have that type of info about potential roommates (do they have a sibling with Aspergers, for example).</p>
<p>I have been thinking about this lately, as D2 has been recently identified as probably having Aspergers. It is a few years away, but I am concerned about her college roommate situation already… I can see lots of paths to disaster, or at least to painful experiences for D and the roommate :(</p>
<p>Yeah, last year at this time I could not possibly imagine my son either having or *being *a roommate. But he wanted one. It worked out rather well. Son’s roommate had very little to do with him and left the school after first semester. He shares a bathroom with two other guys with whom he has become pretty good friends…so he has a single, but isn’t isolated. I consider that one of the (few) successes of the grand experiment in going away to college.</p>
<p>I recall reading somewhere that girls with Asperger’s tend to develop friendships more easily with other girls who are “maternal” by nature - perhaps because of innate caretaking preferences, such girls are more likely to watch over and guide our “social underdogs”? My sister was like this even as a young child, she was the one to not only bring home stray animals but also stray (quirky) schoolmates! She ended up majoring in child psych and has worked with special needs children and young adults all her adult life. Perhaps looking at the proposed major of the potential roommates might also be one way to narrow down the choices - students studying education, early childhood development, child psychology (as opposed to regular?), social work or other areas related to social services?</p>
<p>You might want to find out if the JC has a chapter of Best Buddies, the friendship program that encourages one on one friendships between adults with and without special needs. My experience is that everyone in the clubs I know has been kind and understanding of differences of all types.</p>
<p>You also might want to suggest a special education major. They tend to have the same profile and might appreciate a chance to make a connection with an aspie. As you know, spectrum disorders is a growing specialty.</p>
<p>Finally, the idea of getting a sibling of an Aspie is a good one. Looking in the areas I described might lead you to one. On the other hand, I imagine that some siblings might be looking for a little less of that while they are at college.</p>
<p>Good Luck.</p>
<p>It might be harder for a girl because girls seem to assume a more social connection/sisterly relationship with a roommate–my D had a roomie in a summer program who was “odd”–possibly aspy from what she described. Though D has a brother like that, D herself is a super social person and the roommate made her feel very uncomfortable–didn’t like to chat or socialize, yet still wanted to hang out with or eat meals with D because she hadn’t really met/connected with any other girls in the dorm. The roomie didn’t really fit in with D’s other friends, and didn’t contribute anything to mealtime or social events except a silent presence–which made everyone feel awkward. (D is the kindest person, so she would never tell the roommate that she wasn’t welcome.) D tried to get her to participate in activities and meet other people, but it was sort of hopeless. It seemed that the roommate just expected D to function as her only friend and was unaware that D wanted her to establish her own social circle. This type of scenario could potentially be a problem depending on what your(OP’s) D expects from the roommate relationship. By soph year most people have their social circles set up and are less open to meeting new people than they are freshman year, and that is another factor that your D has to consider. The relationship will be what the roommate wants, too. Which might not fit your D’s expectations. (BTW, I am not a very social person, and I may well have been that “odd” roommate when I was in college. Cringe.) </p>
<p>Guys tend to have much looser relationships/lower expectations of roommates. I remember asking my son about his roommate during his 1st semester of college–just general questions like–what is his name? where is he from? does he have any siblings? hobbies? what kind of work does his dad do? S knew the kid’s first name, and thought “he might be from the east coast somewhere. . .” In several months that’s all he managed to pick up. And, “oh yeah, he plays the guitar. . .”(concrete evidence of that). Girls would find out all this stuff and more in the first 10 minutes.</p>
<p>I agree with others who have said that someone with an Asperger’s sibling or at least some exposure to/understanding of Asperger’s syndrome would be the ideal. Mainly, I would try to not go with “codewords” and instead just come right out and say it: My daughter has Asperger’s syndrome. Do you know what that is? Would you be comfortable living with a person with Asperger’s syndrome? You might drive away some people that way, but you need to know that the roommate isn’t going to get angry/resentful and cause a bad situation.</p>
<p>Yeah, I’m thinking, not in the world of HIPPAA!</p>
<p>Truly, though if the roommate just knew what Asperger’s was, and the least bit about what it entailed, that would make both their lives easier.</p>
<p>What kind of choices do you think they are going to have? Are they going to put her in the freshman rounds for a room? Most upperclass kids choose roommates. Also is the selected roommate going to have any say about this? </p>
<p>I’m surprised that they are going to be hand picking based on this situation. There are kids with all sorts of handicaps and characteristics that just have to be matched the best they can within the criteria. I’m not sure I would want the questionnaires to be so specific. Can kids opt out of getting an Asperger roommate or anyone with a handicap? I remember a situation where one student was a deaf mute. She did fine with her assigned freshman year roommate, but I remember she lived in a single thereafter.</p>
<p>As a soph, this may be a logistical problem because of how room draw often works. It may be that the choice of potential roommates is limited because students have already chosen each other. Have you spoken with the housing people to see what options your child might have?</p>
<p>I like the coaching idea for talking with the roommate. I teach, and one of my students has Asperger’s. He came up to me on Day 1, explained his situation and gave me some suggestions about how and when to signal to him that he was interacting inappropriately in class discussions. It’s helped a lot, since he’s the first AS student I’m aware of having in class.</p>
<p>I went to a college where there were a number of very bright students who fit the high end of Aspergers syndrome. It was not something that was categorized in my day. They didn’t seem to be the kids that had problems with roommates unless those roommates were such jerks that anyone would have problems with them. </p>
<p>Unless the college has plenty of room choices, what usually ends up happening, in my experience, is that your kid get thrown into a room that is available after all of the dust clears. My son was in a hodge podge quad as a sophomore because he did not apply for a room on time intending to live off campus. That room was a revolving door of whoever was left in the room lotteries and had roommate problems. Before the term was out, he had managed to move up to first priority for the single area in that quad since every else move to other rooms as the room juggle occurred.</p>