College Senior, Friendless and Hopeless

College Confidential Community
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Where do I start? I am a senior in my undergraduate program and I have no friends. I have many acquaintances. My class is fairly competitive so it’s hard to be friends with my classmates because they are mostly keeping you close to make sure you don’t completely outdo them. It’s not a big deal. I’ve had a pretty eventful college career IMO anyways. I’ve made plenty of friends as a freshmen and partied a lot with a good group. I’ve done the whole shabang of having a group to go to the fun events with. But then, I spent the rest of my college career eliminating the friends I made because they betrayed my trust, they turned out to be not people I wanted to associate with. Some of them graduated, others went on to other schools, etc. It’s a typical college story; nothing new. That’s the issue.

I have absolutely no motivation to make friends. They come and go. College is such a transient phase that I can’t expect to find the group (my other family away from home). I’m probably expecting too much. I treat friend making like dating. It’s serious. I want to make sure we’re compatible. I don’t have a lot of energy to spend on making friends (I’m introverted) but it doesn’t mean that I am afraid of socializing. I just don’t have a lot of energy to spend on people who aren’t worthwhile investments. Maybe it’s a rather selfish approach but if you spend enough time disposing of toxic people in your life, you might understand.

I’ve tried to make new friends and it’s hard to find people who talk about things that actually matter. College creates this false reality of life. People are on the lawn enjoying life and playing frisbee, etc. Oh how wonderful but it’s all an exterior front. Everyone has a front because there is no security; everyone feels like they have to earn their worth. That’s what college is about isn’t it?

I rely too much on my boyfriend who is a wonderful supporter. But I know I can’t expect that much of anyone. Once again, I find myself alone. I can bare the facade, I just wonder if I should or if there’s another way.

I know friendships, just as much as dating relationships, require a lot of compromise. But there are a lot of things I have lost the patience for and it seems there might not be an end in sight.

Maybe I’m just justifying the situation so I don’t have to admit my fear of wanting to make friends. But whatever the heck, I’m stuck, otherwise I wouldn’t be posting on here.

I probably sound like a cocky asshole. I might be. That might be why I don’t have friends. I have lost faith in humanity. I admit, I do have trust issues. Perhaps waiting for people to prove themselves worthy of my friendship might just be a faster method of being alone forever.

I forgot what it’s like to like people and have fun, just relax. I’m smoking this self pity bullshit so hard right now. Someone knock me out of it.

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You seem to be going back and forth a lot… I don’t need friends; they’re transient; I don’t have a lot of energy to spend on making friends; people don’t talk about things that really matter, I’m waiting for people to prove themselves worthy of my friendship.-- I know friendships require compromise, I’ve tried to make friends, I want friends…

For what it’s worth, here’s my view of friendship

The most important relationships in my life are my family. My husband, my kids, my mom, my siblings-- those are the relationships I KNOW I’ll have forever.

I have a decent circle of friends. Many are other teachers I work with. There I have a couple of layers of friends: a core group of other women, mostly moms like me, somewhere between 40 and 60ish years old. When things got desperately bad with my health 7 years ago, they’re the ones that came through for me, making dinner for my family for a week. I could ask anything of those friends and I know they would be there for me.

Funny, though. I haven’t seen some of them in 2 months. School’s out, we’re on vacation, and we’re all busy with our own families. We’ve emailed and texted a bit, and I’m looking forward to seeing them next week. But it’s a different type of “what are we doing today?” kind of friendship my 12 year old daughter has with her friends.

Then there’s another huge circle of people I’m friendly with. We joke and share a cup of coffee. When Superstorm Sandy devastated a few of their homes, we all pitched in-- we were Santa to one’s kids, I had a housewarming party for another. That’s what friends do. But I would never pick up the phone in a crisis and ask them for help (just as they would never do that with me)-- we’re simply not that close.

I have a few close neighborhood friends. Close enough that when my dad died, I was comfortable calling before 7 am asking one to send her daughter to babysit so I could be with my dad. When my father in law died, they drove an hour to the wake.

I guess my point is that:

  • Life is not a sitcom. You don’t need a huge set of close friends. A small group of good friends is fine.
  • What matters is core values. Everything else is extra.
  • None of my friends has ever had to “prove” anything to me, nor I to them. Our friendships have evolved through time, not auditions. (Then again, I’ve never had any of those “toxic” relationships you speak of. So my point of view is different from yours.)

My advice is this: Stop looking for a lifelong best friend, one who will pass your tests and be there forever. Friends can drift in and out of your life as your place in life changes. Find decent people with whom you want to spend your time. In the beginning, that’s all they need to be. As that time together enables you to know them better, some will become closer and some won’t.

You won’t know which are “worth your energy” and which are not unless and until you invest that energy.

To be honest, it sounds as though you’re keeping everyone at arm’s length because you’re afraid of being hurt again. And it’s working.

You have to decide which you want more: close friends or the safety.

Question: does your boyfriend have friends other than you? Do any of them have girlfriends that you would consider spending some time with, even as 2 couples? Could that be a starting place?
The best of luck to you.

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Oops… when dad died, I wanted to be with mom. The way it’s typed is kind of creepy :slight_smile: