I’m a junior in college at a state university, in the Honors Program… I didn’t really have many friends in high school and I thought college would be different, but it’s already halfway over and I feel like I’ve failed at the whole “college experience.” I have been feeling this way for 2.5 years now, and whenever I try to make social connections with people they just end up as acquaintances I only talk to in classes. They never invite me over to do anything and I’m so awkward that I can’t bring myself to invite them anywhere either because I feel like they think I’m weird or they already formed their social groups long ago. I tried everything like joining clubs, having study groups with people, etc.
I did make friends with a few girls freshman year, and they are my roommates this year, but we are all really busy so we don’t see as much of each other as we used to. One roommate always has activities, another goes home every weekend, the third practically lives with her boyfriend… So we rarely go out and do things outside of the room anymore and I feel like I’m becoming less connected to them.
I also started dating my boyfriend in college, and I spend a lot of time with him, so he and his friends are basically most of my social interaction these days. Last year he had a large friend group and I started hanging out with them a lot too by association, and they were really cool people. But then he had a bad falling out with them so he doesn’t have too many friends anymore either. We used to go out and do things, even party occasionally, but now we mostly just sit in his dorm room in the evenings. I didn’t think I was that much of a partier, but it turns out I actually miss going out a lot. And none of my other friends are into that kind of thing at all, they’d rather sit in the room and do homework on a Saturday night.
I’m getting really good grades in my classes, and sometimes that’s enough for me, but sometimes I just feel like, “What’s the point of studying and doing well in school if I have no friends?” School is the only thing I’m good at, but it takes a lot of energy to continue studying when I’m feeling that way. Is there anything I can do at this point, or should I just continue with my studies and try not to focus on it?
How many “friends” do you think you need to have before your fantasy concept of a satisfactory "college experience " is achieved?
You have friends. You have a boyfriend, that is a friend. You have busy roommates who are friends, even though none of your group, including you, are making it a priority to do fun things together at the moment. All of these people ARE your friends. You say you are unwilling/uncomfortable to be the one to invite your acquaintances/classmates to do things, so you are blocking that avenue for friendships yourself. If you want a busier or more exciting social life then you have to take chances or break out of your comfort zone to make it happen. Invite an acquaintance to do something, ask your boyfriend to take you to a party, plan a meal with your roommates. Don’t wait for them. Real life isn’t like the movies, especially college movies.
You are a junior, and I suspect most of your friends are too. Sounds like if they are studying on Saturday nights they are serious about school, and if you are doing well academically, you are too. That’s good, because your education should be the priority in college, above everything else. As juniors you are getting closer to figuring out what is next too, and that is serious. A social life is important, but so is school and launching your careers.
Don’t grieve what you don’t have, celebrate what you do have. By your own post, you have friends.
Well, you have managed to be good at least two important things, so we will start with the positives: You have been able to maintain good grades and you have been able to maintain a relationship with a boy which is a feat in itself in this hookup culture that’s prominent these days. My feeling is that people can take charge of their lives if they really want to. You can create the life you want, but you have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone. You have to take risks and you have to take the first steps in engaging others. Don’t worry about rejection. If you get rejected you will survive. I know you said that you’ve tried clubs. It’s time to try another kind of club that you haven’t done before. Maybe something very interactive like an outdoors club or an intramural. Community service is a great way to interact in a non-threatening way. Something like Habitat for Humanity where you work alongside other people. At the end of the day say, “let’s go get some pizza. we deserve it!”. It’s not too late to create the life you want. Good luck
There are different types of people. I used to feel like you - wanting more friends and a more active social life. Like you, I did ok, but it was not my “ideal.” Then I took a Strength Finders test (a kind of psychological profile test) and it indicated that I was a Relator - someone who naturally forms strong bonds with just a few people over their lifetime. Now, you can dismiss these test with a grain of salt, but that awareness helped me get comfortable with my situation.
I agree with joining clubs. Give that another shot. The other good suggestion above was joining some adult organizations where it will be less cliquish. I would suggest service organizations that target young people.
One thing I did note in your comment was that it seems like you are waiting for others to invite you along. That is a low probability approach. Why dont you take the initiative? Target someone you have an interest in getting to know better and invite them to get a coffee after class so you can find out more about whatever it is that interests you. Most people will invest 20 minutes to talk about themselves. If you click, awesome, if not, it is good practice for the next one. One good subject to use is to talk about where they are from. You will be starting a job search soon, and talking with people about their area of the country is a great neutral topic.