<p>I need some help for my niece. Actually it's probably more for me because I think this is something only she can remedy. It's upsetting for those of us in the exetended family to stand by and watch! Maybe I just need to vent! Thanks in advance for listening!</p>
<p>N is a rising sophomore at a highly ranked university and had problems adjusting to college life and the work load combined with the stress and pressure from home, etc. etc. In all probability, her problems were a combination self-imposed pressure and pressure from her mother who expects excellence (if not perfection), even though she doesn't always verbalize that expectation. Her kids have heard it all before.</p>
<p>N had herself so worked up that she had convinced herself that she had all kinds of serious illnesses. She went to the campus clinic and was referred to specialists. Had to wear heart monitors and underwent extensive testing only to be told by the medical staff that her problems resulted from stress, nothing medical. She often called her parents in tears (sometimes several times a day) upset about not having done well on a test and was convinced that she was gravely ill. Couldn't breathe properly during one episode and 'knew' she was going to die! </p>
<p>Her parents are half-way across the country and weren't very sympathetic. Her mother told her she had to deal with it; to get over it! Mom told her she could always come home if she couldn't handle school. She opted to stick it out.</p>
<p>The mom has a history of panic attacks and doesn't do very well in stressful situations. Her husband convinced her to resign from a new and stressful job this spring because the whole family was miserable! Probably would have been good for her if she'd been able to keep busy and obsess less about her children and their college educations, but she couldn't handle the stresses. She has refused to get counseling for herself or suggest it for her daughter. Never realized that such problems ran in families, but I'm concluding these are learned behaviors.</p>
<p>N did well in school and will head back soon for another really tough course load with a probable goal of medical or other professional school. Is there anything I can do to help the situation as a member of the extended family? I hate to just stand by and wait for the implosion. I haven't had the courage to do anything but listen. I'd love to see N get involved in a stress management program while at school, but just doesn't seem likely.</p>
<p>There is also a son who is a rising college freshman. He's been prone to nervous tics since elementary school and also seems ill-prepared to deal with stress although he is an athlete, which is good for stress relief. The mom was very disappointed that he didn't choose to attend a more highly-ranked school to which he was accepted. It's known as a real pressure-cooker. All indications are that he wants to go to a good school (he chose a nice LAC), have some fun and get a good education. My guess is he doesn't want the same type of freshman year his sister had, but I'm a bit nervous for him.</p>
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Never realized that such problems ran in families, but I'm concluding these are learned behaviors.
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Maybe not - these things do run in families, and are often "hardwired", not aquired. .... I'm not sure exactly what it is you would like help with... ?</p>
<p>Anxiety and depression are very common in college freshman. Many times there is a genetic disposition to them. It sounds like your niece had a panic attack and had nothing to base these very real physical symptoms on other than her "inability to breath." I'd suggest talking to the niece directly and suggest that other students with her symptoms get counseling and possible medication for dealing with their symptoms. Maybe she would see herself and go to the student health center for help. I would not deal with the mom.</p>
<p>Most schools have free psych service for the students, so they can go and talk to a therapist once a week or so. This could be helpful for your N if she is willing to ask for it.</p>
<p>I'm pretty sure any services she received at college would be confidential, although they do break confidentiality if someone is suicidal. But otherwise, she could get some support without her parents needing to be involved. It's nice of you to be so concerned about your niece. I think all you can realistically do is drop a suggestion about counseling if the opportunity presents itself.</p>
<p>If you write to your neice, rather than just mention your suggestion, it might be taken as a more thought-out suggestion. She might consider it more seriously. It shows you aren;t just saying this off-the-top-of-your-head, in reaction to some latest event.
Or, if you speak with her, say that you've been thinking about this "for a long time" before deciding to speak up.
This is dicey, but you could ask her not to rat you out to her mom. I feel as though an aunt has the right to communicate directly to grown kids, but it's considered offensive to tell a parent how to raise them when they're growing.
I have a parallel situation, with a niece who rejected her Dad totally in favor of her mom. The Dad is my brother-in-law. When the niece was in graduate school, I wrote her an email encouraging her to make a different choice than her Mom had insisted upon, and consider contacting the Dad now that she was an indpendent adult.
I never got a response to the email. I do know that when she had her first child, the Dad did find out he was a grandfather, although I don't know if she told him or the brothers.
Point is, I felt absolutely free to contact her. She's an adult and shouldn't have to be limited by her parents' issues forever.</p>
<p>It's difficult to watch people hurt themselves. It's even more difficult to watch people hurt their children. I have never found a direc t approach to work (although I wish it would!) I have taken children of friends family nout to dinner and just casually discussed things that reflected a different party view than what they had gotten in their families. I did not point this out; nor did I make an issue of it. I did not allude directly to any issues involved. However, I found this opened the door to further confidences & advice seeking. At times I have even traveled to be able to visit favorite young cousins in a "as long as I was in the neighborhood" casual kind of way.</p>