Can I have a second opinion on my extracurricular essay for Common App?

<p>I decided to make the topic about band. </p>

<p>Well, uh, here it is: </p>

<p>Being in band has been one of the most unexpected joys of my high school life. I originally did not want to join but was forced to do so by my mother. Although I had played the clarinet for years, my interests lied in art, and that was what I wanted to continue in high school. So when I was told that I had made the cut, I was less than enthused. When the first day of practice came, I was even less so. We were a cacophonous mess, with every note being out of kilter. But when the conductor tuned us up, chills crawled up my spine. The musical discord gave way to a harmonic sound I had never heard before. I had always been used to playing alone. In that moment, I realized I was no longer alone but part of something more; our success depended not on the music the individual was playing, but the music playing through the individuals. Otherwise, we were nothing but instruments trying to outdo one another. Almost four years have passed since that day and the chills still have not gone away. </p>

<p>I don't like that last sentence: I feel as if it's disjointed and out of place. And I feel like I kind of missed the point of the extracurricular supplement... </p>

<p>Any critiques welcome!</p>

<p>The first half of the essay (other than your initial sentence) describes your reluctance to participate. I would argue that this gives too much weight to a negative aspect. Similarly, the only positive point that you make about band is its “harmonic sound”. Spend more time exploring the benefits of band and less on your initial hesitations.</p>

<p>Also, you shouldn’t post essays on an open forum like this. It makes it far too easy to be plagarized. Use private messages for the essay instead.</p>

<p>Thanks a lot rmldad!</p>