<p>Hi! I have drafted my common application essay and was wondering if anyone would be so kind as to read it and give me their opinion. Thank you so much!</p>
<p>“Ms. Sanchez, I’m sorry but the CT scan indicates that the cancer has spread to your lungs,” my supervising physician stated. Dr. Chung and I had seen Ms. Sanchez during daily hospital rounds this first week of my medical camp experience, and I had come to appreciate her lively personality. Now, a tightness began building at the back of my throat as I struggled to suppress my tears. I pondered what this poor woman must be thinking - her dreams, her life, time with her children - all facing an unwelcome deadline. The gravity of her situation dissolved my petty worries and placed life in perspective. This was the start of the life-altering medical program that confirmed my vocational passion.
My interest in a health care career was sparked during my biology class. I found myself captivated by the phenomena of the human body. Learning about the beauty and intricacy of human life was what I considered my reward for slogging through linear equations and compound sentences. I later discovered Drexel University’s five-week, summer medical program, a perfect opportunity to bring my biology textbook to life.
Medical camp offered a glimpse into the exciting and diverse world of health-care. It consisted of daily lectures and shadowing physicians from a broad spectrum of specialties. I was enthralled by observing surgeons performing a life-saving operation, by the eyes of a pathologist examining tissue for any abnormalities, and by the fingers of a trauma physician intricately dancing together with each stitch. I welcomed the ringing of my alarm clock at 5 o’clock in the morning as it marked the beginning of a day fully engaged in learning opportunities and medical adventures, which fed my passion for medicine.
While shadowing the doctors focused my future on medicine, it was shadowing a nurse anesthetist that defined exactly what I want my future to entail. For some, hospitals breed unease and fear, but listening to this extraordinary woman soothe a fearful patient with the balm of her kind words and the tender touch of her hand, put me at ease, and I was not even the patient. It is my sincerest desire that someday this woman could be me.
One poignant memory from the camp is engrained in my mind. An eeriness wafted through the surgical-trauma ICU, as the sound of heart monitors and ventilators echoed through the hallway, and the pungency of disease lingered in the air. I surveyed room 106, unbeknownst of what I was about to encounter. The pale, frail body of a motorcycle accident victim lay lifelessly upon the bed. A woman stood beside the body, glancing up in apprehension, as we entered the room, to learn of the prognosis of her son. The look on the distraught mother’s face will be a lasting memory. It was her faint smile and glazed, teary eyes that taught me the most valuable lesson: my future education is not only for my benefit, but also for the well being of others. I will diligently educate myself so I can serve patients like Ms. Sanchez and this woman’s son to the very best of my ability.</p>
<p>Hi Valerie,
I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner – I would have asked you to PM it to me. You really don’t want to post your essay here because someone might be tempted to use it themselves.</p>
<p>But since you did, I’ll respond publicly. It’s good! You follow the basic set up of essays like this – starting out with something that grabs the reader – a quote – life and death – and you show us how you feel (the tightness at the back of your throat). This sentence however could be omitted: “The gravity of her situation dissolved my petty worries and placed life in perspective.” It’s too distancing, and a little trite. Stick with your closely observed physical reaction. I don’t want to suggest one – you did a good job so far coming up with your own.</p>
<p>You need some paragraph breaks to separate it (it’s already written than way – you just need the physical separation). Now you go into what that dramatic moment meant for you; how it links to what you studied; what you want to do now.</p>
<p>You have a beginning, a middle, and an end. And the end is where you are now – poised to develop your interests and education at the school that’s right for you.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Hi Valerie,</p>
<p>Just some quick comments. Classof2015 didn’t seem too comfortable with the phrase “The gravity of her situation dissolved my petty worries and placed life in perspective.” </p>
<p>I also think that it sounds a little awkward; it seems like a good idea to me (I have to disagree with you there Classof2015) but I think you could rephrase that. </p>
<p>Here’s my rubric for college essays… </p>
<p>Summary:
You’re a teenage who saw some disturbing things at a (medical camp?)- but hey! no worries, since it taught you to want to help these people. </p>
<p>How’s the writing? 7/10, nice use of language here and there (8/10 at places but inconsistent)
Does it sound personal? 7/10, yes
Is it generic? 6/10, specificity is good but tell us more about your opinion vs. summary of events
Does it have substance? 7/10</p>
<p>I’m so using this.</p>
<p>I really liked your opening paragraph, which just grabbed my attention! For the next two paragraphs though, try to make it sound more personal :)</p>
<p>Sent from my GT-P1000 using CC</p>
<p>good essay. good luck!</p>
<p>I love the vignettes about each experience you had!!!</p>