<p>Hi, does anyone have time to edit my extracurricular common app essay? Will be greatly appreciated! Any criticism will be fine. </p>
<p>Currently at 988 characters. And the ______ is someone's name so don't worry about it.</p>
<p>On June 25, 2011, I earned the rank Life, the second highest in Boy Scouts. Salute! yelled the four men as I prepared to halt. I brought three fingers up, placed them directly on top of my right eyebrow, and proceeded to advance. ______ -- the unit leader -- saluted, shook my hand, and placed three items into my right palm. I smiled, turned, and steadily paced back to my original position. Boy Scouts is more than its stereotypical image, commonly known as a young man who simply spends his life working with nature. For me, scouting has given me the chance to meet wonderful people and has opened up many opportunities for me to serve my community. Throughout the years of experience, not only did I witness my knowledge of the outdoors improve drastically, but I also found that my overall character had improved after becoming an instructor. Being able to teach others about scouting has become a passion as it reminds me of all struggles I went through as a lower ranked scout.</p>
<p>The whole thing seems pretty cliche… I would definitely get rid of the first sentence and start with “Salute”, it is more interesting, then maybe mention becoming life later on…</p>
<p>Agree with above … don’t re-state your Life rank if it’s already somewhere else in the application (and it should be listed). You started out great with Salute, and then you because a brochure for the Boy Scouts. Talk more about your original thoughts and don’t waste words tell admissions folks what the Boy Scouts is, as they surely know.</p>
<p>I don’t think this is cliche at all. This is right about where it needs to be in terms of substance and fluff IMO.</p>
<p>I agree with the posters above; kill the first sentence. Far more interesting that way. Your details are great.</p>
<p>EDIT: On second thought… maybe the first sentence should stay. Deleting the first sentence would leave out the information that Life is “the second highest [rank] in Boy Scouts,” which I think is pretty integral information for an adcom to know. Despite all the apps they have read, I wouldn’t expect them to know that off-hand.</p>
<p>Re-word the first sentence, Do not put in the dates as that immediately set your essay up for boredom.</p>
<p>You put too much into introduction (like half of your essay?). Elaborate more on what “Life” has done for you and not what “Life” is.</p>
<p>No need to include the name of your unit leader (sorry, but who cares?). What have you done to earn you the rank of “Life”? Stop being vague (eg. “I witness my knowledge of the outdoors improve drastically”) and be more specific eg. I now know how to cook with fire, blah blah blah (tell them what of the outdoors have improved).</p>
<p>I am not impressed, and it’s unlikely that adcom will. I didn’t see anything “solid” in there. </p>
<p>Best of luck on your second attempt, if it’s not too late</p>