Competitions are hard on this momma's heart

College Majors Music Major
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<p>Mary - I’m going to head down a different lane here - ignoring the music angle, and simply talking about competition. In addition to being the mom of a musician, I’m also the mother of a competetive athlete in an individual sport, and the spouse of an artist. There are some things we’ve come to understand:

  1. Not everyone is going to like your or share your vision. If you truly believe you are doing your best, keep doing it. That doesn’t mean naively plodding along, you need to get the best advice possible. It just means don’t give all your personal power to the judge.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Not every competition matters. Some do (like college auditions)- and you have to handle those appropriately, but some are just plain competitions. Give yourself some throwaways. </p></li>
<li><p>Shake it off (the score is always 0-0). The belief that each competition, as well as each round is a fresh start is critical to moving forward after a disappointment. Athletes have split seconds to shake it off. Musicians have a little more time, but conversely, it gives them more time to ruminate. </p></li>
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<p>As we travel the vocal journey, I’m continually surprised at how many similarities there are to the athletes life. Will I be as nervous as a cat for my D’s college auditions? You’ll recognize me - I’ll be the one downing Mylanta in the corner. But when she’s finished, she’s finished, and we’ll go to Panera and get Broccoli Cheese soup.</p>

<p>And thus my last piece of advice. We came across this one by accident. Develop a post comp/audition ritual that you follow no matter what the outcome. It has really helped us laugh after a bad day, and gives us time to celebrate after a good one. When I traveled with D1, it seemed that our hotels were always near a Borders bookstore - and it because our after-meet thing to do. With D2, its the soup and salad at Panera. </p>

<p>Hopefully, you are both feeling a little better today. Have a great one!</p>

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<p>Mary, {{{{{Hugs}}}}} to you. It is so hard to watch our children put it all on the line or leave it all on the field so to speak. I have watched all of my children compete at various levels in music and in athletics. For me it has gotten slightly easier as the time has gone by. I have come to realize that failure is a great teacher. It hurts like crazy…especially to Mom…but so much good can come of it.<br>
We had a very bad summer a couple of years ago that really drove this point home. My D entered a Musical competition that she expected to do well in. She had done very well at the younger level and was really looking forward to it. She was also very involved in her school, lacrosse team, cheerleading, club soccer… She was being pulled in many directions, having a great time but not spending as much time on her music. It was also time to switch teachers, but she refused because she adored her teacher. She did not do well at the competition. We had tears (from both of us). She was upset, mad, and confused. She left several days later to go to Interlochen with a close friend. Neither of them did well in auditions. She was really really upset…completely rocked to her very core. She started questioning why she was there, if she wanted to be a musician, what to do with her life. I was heartsick and heartbroken for her. It was terrible. She was way outside her comfort zone of her little pond and needed to learn to swim with the big fish. I swear I didn’t sleep well all summer. To make a long story short (well…ish), my D came home completely rededicated to her instrument and music. She said she needed a new teacher, a new instrument, and a different bow. She dropped out of club soccer and lacrosse and took up cross country because she could fit it in around practicing. Her friend that went with her, decided music wasn’t for her.<br>
When she went back to the competition this year she did much better and was pleased with her performance.
I think of the “summer from he**” everytime she performs and I remind myself how that turned out for her. I don’t think she would be at the level she is now without that failure. She learned a lot about herself and where she wanted to be.<br>
Soccer worked kind of the same way. Hoping your kid will make the travel team, the high school team, be recruited for college. Then, hoping once they have made the team that they will come off the bench and the coach will like their play…</p>

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<p>mmm, Panera soup sounds great. Thanks again to all of you for support.</p>

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<p>Hope this doesn’t give you too many shivers: one of the finalists sang Come My Love, My Dearest Treasure, from The Impresario by Mozart and Con amores, la mi madre by Obradors in the first round. Her listed third song (which she sang in the finals): No Good Deed, from Wicked.</p>

<p>As we quickly ate lunch after the first round, S and I discussed how she was going to sound during No Good Deed. :wink: And when the competition was over, he and I agreed that someone should have picked a different Broadway song for her!!! Not. a. good. fit. </p>

<p>One of the awards given was “Broadway Bound” and most contestants had two classical and one Broadway song. I agree it is an odd mix… but this was my first competition so I didn’t know what to expect.</p>

<p>S spent two hours yesterday with a friend working on composing a song for their church youth choir. He should have been studying for the SAT (and that’s another thread) but I let him go hang out with his friend. </p>

<p>Thanks again for all of your support and ideas and insights. I will share them with S (eventually) and his teacher. This is a nice board… and did I mention I have a HS freshman D whose new favorite things is to be “home alone so I can sing as loud as I want??” :eek:</p>

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<p>MuppetMom, we cross posted… you mentioned sitting on the bench… oh my, that stirs up such bad memories with my kids’ (tall but not very talented) basketball experiences. With soccer, they stopped playing while they were still on the field a lot. But middle school basketball was a nightmare of bench sitting… only to be put in for 12 seconds and be pulled back out… for both S and D2. bleh.</p>

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<p>I know how hard it is to be the parent of a musical kid, auditions and competitions seem to be bizarro land, with seemingly no touch on reality and so forth to us…and to a certain extent that is true, especially with competitions. Competitions are a weird thing, and in the violin world, there are a lot of performers and teachers who are very down on them, that competitions represent playing for what the judges want, rather then playing to perform and express the piece, and that there are far too many teachers on the juries rather then performers (Menaham Pressler (sp?), the pianist, who has sat on many a jury, most recently said something to that effect), and that skews the results. It also boils down to the jury members and what style they like. An example I can give is that the kid who just won in back to back years the Menuhin and Queen Elizabeth prizes for violin playing, with performances widely talked about around the violin world, did the Michael Hill competition just before the menuhin and according to rumor, finished near the bottom of the pack.</p>

<p>And I agree, auditions and competitions are two different animals, they are based on very different criteria (though obviously both have large elements of subjectivity in them). And I have seen what someone else posted, that a ‘local talent’, who won all the local competitions, when they audition for top level programs suddenly find out what they thought wasn’t true. I know of examples of kids who were supposed to be the real deal, the local teachers all claimed the kids were musical whizzes, they were highly seated in local youth orchestras, won local competitions…and applied to prep programs and didn’t even meet the cutoff level for consideration. It often is a rude awakening when someone who was a big fish in a local pool finds out just how different the bigger world is (I can say we were in shock when we realized the difference in levels). </p>

<p>I think that the person who is the head of the Juiiliard pre college program put it best, she said during orientation that with concerto competitions, it doesn’t mean that the person who won them is ‘the best’ at the school, better then everyone else, it simply means the person on that day was best able to play it in the opionion of the judges.</p>

<p>As my son starts entering competitions, his teacher and we look on it simply as a performance opportunity, as a chance to perform repertoire and to build up confidence, and not take the results all that seriously. Considering that many of the winners of competitions, including big ones like the Tchaikovsky, end up in the ranks of the ‘who?’ while more then a few famous musicians never won or even entered a competition, I think it is important to realize that competitions in themselves may mean little in terms of how well someone does (note, I am not saying they cannot be important, obviously winning a competition can mean, for example, getting artists management and performance opportunities), and that competitions may end up to be like standardized tests in the academic world, show that the person can take the test/give the judges what they want, rather then necessarily be able to create or in the case of music, be able to perform in a way that people want to see;). </p>

<p>One other things I have started to learn is that in music, fairness is a funny thing. Kids who might seem (or actually are) not as good technically as someone else might get the slot/win the competition, because they happen to fit someone’s conception of a musician. Sometimes the people chosen as judges are blind to anything but a few elements, and if you play everything else stunningly, but don’t play those elements “right” it is complete tunnel vision on their part…in college auditions, sometimes a really high level applicant may not get accepted because none of the teachers have the room or the willingness to teach the applicant, and in some cases I have been led to believe that teachers on the audition panel might have an applicant they want to get in, who might be theoretically ‘less polished’ then other auditioners, but still gets in because the person going to bat for them can convince the other teachers on the panel to take this person (I suspect it is why at even high level programs you see kids perform and wonder how they got in,while someone else you know who seems better, didn’t,among other reasons)</p>

<p>In any event, it is hard, even knowing these things above, but all we can do is sit back, love them and support them as best we can and try and help them understand it isn’t the end of the world if it doesn’t turn out as they think:)</p>

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<p>MaryTN - I pulled up CC today to PM you to ask about the competition. I’m sad that you are sad. Don9992 mentioned Classical Singer and my D has had some disappointments there after winning locally and then not making it thru to the next round. I am always her biggest cheerleader and want her to do well but I will say that a couple of key losses triggered a very important change in the way she approaches competition and how she prepares herself now. At the time, we were both crushed but I think those losses helped to prepare her for more important times. Winning all the time is great for the parents, but in retrospect, I think my D’s losses contributed to a more stable foundation.</p>

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<p>MaryTN, please take note that several brands of haircolor are now having their semi-annual sale on “two-packs” at a special sale price! You might want to stock up-I just did!</p>

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<p>I’m still biding my time waiting to share your wonderful volume of insights. He’s not ready to hear it. Luckily, he’s in two stunning numbers with his school’s fall variety show. His choir does an acapella version of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody wearing all black, under black lights with white gloves doing all the choreography. It is astonishing. And he’s one of three boys in a 15 person dance group recreating Michael Jackson’s Thriller. I wish I could post the youtube video of the rehearsal but I’ve already gotten in trouble once on CC. It’s the same highly-skilled choreographer.
And I still ask him whether he is sure he wants to do Music Ed and not MT or Performance. He says he’s sure.
I wish life wasn’t so busy now. I need to hang out on CC more. </p>

<p>And I bought more hair coloring today. My mother was fully grey at 40. I refuse.</p>

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<p>I agree with Binx & Violadad - </p>

<p>When son was HS freshman (now college freshman) I was racking my brain trying to think of the most supportive thing to say when he didn’t place as high in a competition as <em>I</em> thought he should. When I finally saw him, he was all smiles and thrilled that he had even made finals. So I’ve learned to have a few different comments ready and then wait until I see how my kids are responding to decide how I should react - around them of course…I can go home and cry for them privately later :-)</p>

<p>Have you seen the new commercial with the little boy playing soccer for the first time and the dad standing on the side lines all worried about how bad a job he is doing. Then just as the dad is about to say “It’s ok…” the kid runs up and says “I was awesome!”.</p>

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<p>Mary, he may never want to hear it. If he’s moving on and immersed in other things, fine. Hopefully, he got some constructive criticism or advice from the jury at the competition that he can use. </p>

<p>Sounds as though he would be happy in a program in which he can do both MT and classical since he’s enjoying the MT things so much. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. Is he looking at programs like that?</p>

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<p>Life is too busy…</p>

<p>S just found out he was named 1st chair for Tenor 1 in mid-state. They don’t rank chairs for all-state (but he made that too). </p>

<p>He is high as a kite.</p>

<p>D2 was selected for the freshmen mid-state choir. :eek:</p>

<p>I. don’t. know. if. I. can. do. this. for. 4. more. years…</p>

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<p>Four years?? I have bad news for you…if your child is a performance major…the auditions don’t end after four years…plus there are seating auditions for ensembles, summer festival auditions, job auditions, etc. </p>

<p>The good news is that my kids don’t tell me about their auditions anymore…they know I worry more than they do.</p>

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<p>Depending upon the school, vocal auditions can be held within 4 weeks of the opeing day!At my D’s school, Fall Opera Scenes are in November so the kids were on stage, auditioning by the second week in September. The fully-staged opera is in February and then the bigger Spring Opera Scenes are in April, so, you see, there are auditions all year long, Don’t forget the summer programs and competitions as they advance, and then there’s grad school, Young Artist Programs… it’s just something they “do”. D tells me when they are and how things went, but she doesn’t have a nerve in her body so she’s calm as can be. I learned to “just keep breathing years ago”- My eldest,who is almost 14 years older than her-was a figure skater, and there is absolutely nothing a parent can do when they see their offspring standing out in the middle of that big arena (the Olympic Rink at Lake Placid at age 5- with a cast on a broken arm!!), so you have to let them go. The teacher/coach is the one they should rely on and trust.
Take a series of deep breaths and keep on going. Mary, try to relax a bit or your going to be in a jacket with the sleeves in the back- the kids have chosen their paths and you are along for the ride! When they walk into an audition, they are ready, or they’re not- sometimes it will have nothing to do with that, they can just be the wrong “look” for a role. It’s important for the kids to learn to deal with their nerves- some like company before they audition/perform, others prefer to turn inward and are solitary. Winning feels great, but loss is inevitable too and they must learn to handle both with grace. There is always something else to look forward to! You’ll get used to it- you really don’t have a choice!</p>

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<p>DD has auditions the second day of class for the entire year’s casting. I try not to think about it. Now she is looking at scheduling the summer program auditions. It as hard to let go after all of the HS and college auditions we shared. But they grow and deal and we are on the sidelines cheering now. A new role. I just tell her I will be her business manager when she is done :)</p>

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<p>Mary, you have come to the right place. We understand. Really. But busy? Naw. This is a bit closer <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/music-major/653104-audition-scheduling-headache.html?highlight=audition[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/music-major/653104-audition-scheduling-headache.html?highlight=audition&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>:D</p>

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<p>I’ve coined a word for that! When I am helping my S stay organized, bringing audition ops to his notice, helping him arrange travel, or whatever – I sign my emails “Momager.”</p>

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<p>Here in the jazz (drum) world, we call it “Roadie.” I am so glad my 15 yo isn’t going to be a music major…</p>

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<p>My D has already told me that I can travel with her to take care of her wardrobe and travel arrangements!! How kind of her…:)</p>

<p>Love the new term, binx! You should submit that to Webster’s for inclusion in the next edition!</p>

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<p>My retirement plan is to stay in Italy with D’s bambini while she travels the world performing.</p>

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<p>I love the term binx. I am going to pirate it :slight_smile: And Sop14’sMom I am right there with you!</p>