<p>I feel really sorry for you, Lefty, and also concerned. That is so much debt to be taking on, especially for a subject you aren’t passionate about, if I am reading your posts correctly. :(</p>
<p>Would your mother at least agree to let you spend the first two years at community college, to offset the enormous costs? (If that is any cheaper–I vaguely recall threads about California CCs being expensive?) Maybe in two years she will have mellowed out.</p>
<p>It is so frustrating to hear about a student being “held hostage” like this. Your mom is not making rational decisions to protect your future, she is making irrational decisions to protect her own feelings.</p>
<p>Are you on speaking terms with your father? Is there anything he could do to help?</p>
<p>I almost wonder if it would be better for you to wait until you’re an independent student to go to college. I know that “wait six years!” is not great advice, but I think it might be better than all that debt. </p>
<p>OP, Now that you have all packages could you appeal to a guidance counselor at HS for help. Ask him/her to sit down with you and Mom and review all options. It may be that your Mom would respond more positively to another adult…she doesn’t seem to trust that you understand the finances, etc involved in college. Or maybe the admissions counselor at closest college, if you could get her to go, would help. Good luck</p>
<p>Lefty, your mother sounds like a bully and toxic. Make your own choice, and if she disowns you, it’s her own toxic choice. Otherwise, where does it stop? What if she threatens to disown you for who you love/marry, for your job, etc.? You don’t want to live your life according to her very messed up ideas.</p>
<p>Your mother is going to destroy your and her relationship with each other by forcing you to take on an unreasonable amount of debt that you do not want to take on.</p>
<p>So it looks like your choice is to be lose your relationship with your mother now (without the debt) or lose your relationship with your mother later (after being burdened by the debt). A really awful choice.</p>
<p>Lefty, please take it from someone who was disowned for having the audacity to live my own life, get away from your mother as fast as you can. Deep down, I feel you already know this. </p>
<p>I also live in California. I’m in San Diego. One of this state’s strengths is there are fantastic schools here on all levels: Community college, Cali state, and the UC system. Another strength is the community colleges are very affordable out of pocket. It sounds like you’re still a bit unsure about what you want to major in (and if I’m wrong, I apologize.) You can attend one of the community colleges for the first 2 years and then transfer to the UC system at a later date…when you are 24 and won’t need her financial info anymore. Your present situation with your mother…it will be difficult to do well in any school. </p>
<p>Finding a new home (with roommates) getting a job and paying for community college out of pocket will be hard, but I suspect you will be happier. Your mother has already damaged your relationship with the controlling, but if you give into it, the inevitable resentment will make the damage irreparable.</p>
<p>I have to concur with the above posts. A parent who threatens to disown you for educational decisions is someone to excise from your life. She’s a stupid bully–why would you let a stupid bully have any influence in your life whatsoever? Look, she’s probably bluffing about disowning you, but if not, it’s the best thing that could happen to you. So put on your big girl panties and go where you want to go. You’re an adult now, time to act like one.</p>
<p>That is very sad. Is this something your grandmother could run interference w your mom if you showed her the numbers and said “I think mom is just scared/worried and I know she loves me…but the numbers for UofP just don’t make sense.” In a traditional family, getting grandma on your side might really help.</p>
<p>My mom isn’t bluffing at all. She said she’d disown me in front of my brother. My father isn’t going to help at all either. Hell, he doesn’t care and doesn’t think that I’m his “daughter”. </p>
<p>My grandma is on my mother’s side and so are all my mother’s family friends that keep on coming over and bothering me and telling me to just listen to my mother and go to UoP. It’s so annoying and I’m sick of it. All they do is come here and lecture me, as if I didn’t know what they were saying already. And now in the future, when they come over they’ll probably say “Isn’t this all for the better now, now that you’ve listened to your mom”. </p>
<p>My mother says I’m free to do whatever I want after I graduate in 6 years from UoP. So after 6 years, I’m definitely getting out of Stockton, maybe pursue a higher degree at a different school and go far away and do something I want to do. </p>
<p>Thank you to everyone. Really for being my support group if you call it throughout this stressful time period~</p>
<p>This is abusive, and no amount of wishing or enduring will improve things with this woman who gave birth to you. She’s going to insist on her choice of classes for you. Her apartment. Her airplane tickets. Her friends. She will continue (if you haven’t cut ties by then) to abuse you over your life choices until you put physical and mental distance between you. You can’t survive 6 years at Penn this way, and you’ll still have this ridiculous, insane, life threatening amount of debt. Do not do this. Disowning you may be the biggest blessing in disguise ever…Free after 6 years? No way. She’ll pick your job. She’ll change your major, she’ll do whatever she can to maintain the power. </p>
<p>((hug)). This must be terribly hard for you, and it isn’t fair, and you aren’t wrong to feel like she’s doing something wrong by these ultimatums. I wish we all had a magic wand to send you!!</p>
<p>Lefty, do NOT go into that level of debt for UoP. I would move out, get a job, take some credits at CC and save up to transfer to a 4 year college on my own dime before I’d do that. I think in the long run you’ll be better off, and you won’t have to put up with your mother’s bullying behavior. Your options aren’t great, but UoP and putting up with your mother’s abuse is not the only one.</p>
<p>I certainly identify w/OP, Lefty. Years ago, my parents’ only limitation (a big one) was that I attended a college within our metropolitan area. I complied, applied to two very prestigous local universities, and was accepted to both. Then a new challenge was added: I must live at home and commute. I attended both schools’ Accepted Student Open House Days, and at my 2nd choice school was instructed: “go home and tell your parents that commuting simply doesn’t work here; it’s not possible.” I did so, and was told “no”. So that left me with my 1st choice school, which was further away, but not so explicit in its response to “commuter” restriction. I was still totally committed, despite facing a 3-hour minimum RT commute each day. Day we absolutely needed to send the deposit money check to 1st choice school, my mother balked, saying, and I will forever remember: “we’re not spending that kind of money on a girl”. I was devastated. That edict forever damaged my relationship with both parents. I scrambled to apply at a local rolling-admission school and was a commuter student. My parents are wealthy; this was a control issue, not a cost issue, and I was a very obedient and dutiful daughter “needed at home” to serve my parents’ perceived needs. I did receive an inferior education, certainly no comparison to what either university could have offered me.</p>
<p>I suspect that OP’s mother also feels her perceived needs are more important than OP’s, and that this situation will forever taint their relationship as well. So parental control is exercised, with serious longterm ramifications. Been there, done that.</p>
<p>Lefty, please, please understand she will NOT stop after 6 years. She WILL find another excuse and maybe another aspect of your life to control. People like that DO NOT STOP until you take a stand, and the longer you wait the harder it will be. Don’t go along with this craziness. Get out now before it does even more damage to your life and she ends up controlling your whole life.</p>
<p>xLefty, I was wondering what were the circumstances when she said this to you? Its possible that your mom said this in the heat of an argument with you? Maybe as a reaction to some things you said and the way you uttered it that she considered disrespectful? I guess I cannot wrap my head around the fact that if both of you were sitting down and you presented to her in a calm, respectful way a spreadsheet showing net costs for her for all three schools that she would suddenly say that shed disown you.</p>
<p>If she suddenly went ballistic despite your calm presentation then I agree with scmom12’s suggestion:
<p>OP’s mom is been pretty clear about what she wants: power. This doesn’t seem to be a heat of the argument, or a misunderstanding, or a lack of an intervening adult. It seems that the OP’s mom almost completely uninterested in what OP wants so I can’t imagine that any other human being is going to change that. If anything, bringing a guidance counselor, etc. into the fray will probably just tick the mom off even more.</p>
<p>Krlilies, I think maybe you haven’t had the misfortune to come across controlling people. It’s not about logic - it’s about control, and they will find their own logic that fits with it.</p>
<p>I only know OP’s side of the story that is why I need clarification on the circumstances on how and what she presented to her mother so my posts and suggestions are objective as possible.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I’m currently living in Boston now and the cost of living here is very high. Apartments are expensive and food isn’t cheap. Although, here you don’t need a car and public transportation is great! Living close or at home has its benefits. But at the end of the day, you want to think past the 6 year schooling. Where do you want to work in 6 years? Cali or Boston? There are many many many great hospitals in Boston but they are also very competitive. Depending on your financial situation and future plans, I think it’s best to choose what will stress you out less. Will moving to Boston interfere with your stress with your mom? Won’t the hinder your studies? </p>
<p>Make a pro and cons list and speak about it with someone. Then speak about it with your mom so you won’t feel soo guilty.</p>