<p>About 3 months ago, I had decided that I would like to leave home and go to university. Ever since time has drawn closer, my mother's behavior has become worse and worse. My father is supporting me, but whenever I try and talk to my mother, she yells, screams at me and cries. I thought being an only child things like this are very difficult, but not this difficult for all involved. I am 20 years old, and have to decided have a go at being self-sufficient. I feel as though in good conscience and somewhat obligated that, I should inhibit my growth and stay home and keep my mother happy since she's very miserable now; at the same time I wouldn't be 'moving forward' in life. I am also concerned for the well being of my father, and what effect my mother may have on him. She says things like I will be avoiding my friends, and that I'm putting her health in jeopardy through text messages, since she hasn't spoken to me for the past month.</p>
<p>How do I cope mentally, and/or console my mother?</p>
<p>Are these any affordability concerns with the away school versus the nearby one she presumably wants you to attend? Is your mother threatening to withhold family contribution or financial aid form cooperation if you go to the away school? If so, what does your father think of that threat?</p>
<p>Agree that cost could be an issue, as out of state tuition is generally higher at OOS public universities. You can be independent by living on campus but not as far from home. A two hour flight is halfway across the country (and thus travel is more expensive than a college near home as well). If your parents are paying some of your expenses, then she does get a say in how her money is spent…</p>
<p>I’ve been studying externally for the past year, and have recently gotten bored. She wants me to keep me at home. What exactly do you mean by family contribution? Her contribution to the actual family? and I’ve refused financial aid, since I’ve saved up some money.</p>
<p>So you are covering all your own expenses? Because you do need her cooperation if you are applying for need based aid (you need her info for the FAFSA, for example). If you really can pay for your own living expenses going forward (college, summers, etc), then do what you want. But if not, maybe you need to compromise and pick a place closer to home. If you can afford it and no one at home is dependent on you for daily care, then I think it is fine to move out. But you might want to go someplace within a few hours drive vs. a flight that is several states away. It would make your mom feel better. Your mom has likely done a lot for you already in your life, so you might take her feelings into account somewhat.</p>
<p>If you are 20 and self sufficient, you shouldn’t be living at home. Your mother is trying to guilt trip you but it’s not healthy. At your age, you need to be an adult, not a child. I don’t find your mother’s reaction very heatlhy. It’s normal that a mother would be sad to see their child go away to college, but it’s not normal to refuse to talk to them, cry all the time, and send guilt trips texts (like, “if you go, you’ll endanger my health”).
Your mother may have trouble accepting you’ve grown up. But by staying you comfort her in her delusion and at some point you’ll still be leaving, except the longer you stay, the harder it gets.
(There’s a funny novel called “Attachments” by Rainbow Rowell that you should read.)</p>
<p>Might your mother come from a culture where there often are three-generational households? Or perhaps she didn’t think you’d leave home until you got married, and she’d take care of you till then? This may explain why she’s finding it so hard. But it still doesn’t explain some of her behavior. Children grow up. We want to keep them with us forever, but we also know that for them to come back we need to let them go and find their way. Parents know their kids will move away, that’s part of life, in all cultures.</p>
<p>If you have a job and can afford to move, do so. You can tell her that whether you attend college in another state (I assume you’d be in another state) or 4 hours’drive from home, you’ll still be moving at the end of the school year. Change the focus: you’re not moving because of that one college. You’re moving <em>regardless</em>. You just have that opportunity for college, but if it falls through, you’re still going to college and you’re still moving out. And of course you’ll return for holidays. :)</p>
<p>Since she won’t talk to you, write your mother a note in a Hallmark card telling her you are ready to make the next step to adulthood and go away to school.
Thank her for being a loving and caring mother.
DO NOT not any promises of weekly phone calls , coming home once a month, or holidays because you want to keep your options open and you don’t want to break promises you can’t keep.
Keep it sincere and sweet.
Your mother’s over dramatic reaction and manipulative behavior to your decision of moving a few hours away for school is not normal.
What will happen if you get a job further away, marry someone she doesn’t entirely approve of?
You have to assert your independence.
Your dad will be okay, he has dealt with your mom for decades and life for him may be easier since you aren’t a pawn in their everyday life.
Google Emotional Blackmail to get a handle on your mother’s behavior.
Good luck.</p>
<p>Please give any insight to this behavior. Otherwise it sounds mentally unbalanced. Ask your father to take her to the doctor for a check up and to talk to the doctor and describe this behavior.</p>
<p>I think it is foolish to ‘refuse financial aid’. Why?</p>
<p>“studying externally” probably means some type of distance education program, such as taking online classes.</p>
<p>If you don’t need any help from your parents to pay for your education, you can pack up and go at any time, so do so. Your mother will recover (or not), but staying at home is not going to get her over her issues any sooner. You are not responsible for her mental health. She is.</p>
<p>I have studied both on campus, and in online courses. You will learn more on campus in the company of your fellow students, and where you are able to see your professors in person several times each week. There really is a difference and for those reasons alone, packing your bags and flying off to school is worth it. Distance education is for people whose employment or geographical location limit their access to live classes. </p>
<p>Will your dad provide the funds for college if you go away?</p>
<p>You do need to get your dad’s assistance in this matter. Likely, he’s not happy either that his wife is behaving like this. I do think that your dad needs to arrange a “family therapy” appt with a qualified therapist. That person will likely determine that your mom needs an individual evaluation. Your mom sounds unstable and not mentally healthy.</p>
<p>Of course many parents are very sad to see their children leave home, but like many other sacrifices made for our childrens’ benefit, we have to recognize that this is an important step for their development and support them. It’s not normal or appropriate for your mother to behave like this and I agree she should seek counseling. Perhaps it would help for her to become involved in some community activity if she feels lonely without you there.</p>
<p>OP I’m confused. Have you actually applied and been accepted to a university two hours from home? And if so, what kind of financial contribution do you need from your parents in order to attend?</p>
<p>If you have not yet applied or been accepted- stand down for now. No need to rock the boat before you’ve got a solid option on the table.</p>
<p>My son was about 2.5 hours DRIVE away in college and (even though he had a car every year except his freshman) we hardly saw him during the term. He was busy with classes and going out with his college friends. Many moons ago when I was in college, I was about a 15 MINUTES subway ride from home (I didn’t want to live at home and miss a lot of the on campus activities; my parents agreed, surprisingly). Well, I would head to school at the beginning of the term and not go home until the end of the term, not even to just stop in and say hello. I would phone home quite often but definitely not every day.</p>
<p>I suspect that my and my son’s experience is somewhat typical. So, it doesn’t matter how far away you are, you have moved into a new phase of your life (called college) and it’s time to leave the nest.</p>
<p>OP, as a mother I have sympathy for yours, but with your father’s support you need to move on. Please be kind to your mother and communicate with her regularly while you are away at school. Call/write/email her one a week, or possibly twice. Establish a schedule she can depend on.</p>
<p>Someday, when you are a parent and your baby leaves home, you will understand and appreciate her anguish. :)</p>