<p>I'm hoping to get some opinions from parents and students... I don't know what to do! I've just finished my first year of college. My parents, with the help of family, have paid for my first year at an expensive private school. I'm back for the summer... and I don't know how to deal with them! They're really aggressive and negative, probably stemming from the stresses of paying for my school and dealing with me moving out and my brother starting high school. But they're so negative and angry all the time, they get extremely frustrated at any mistake we make. It's putting a strain on my whole family, especially my brother, because he's hot-tempered and fights back. I know for a fact that he's rebelling by smoking and drinking, and I'm worried for him.</p>
<p>I just shut down and don't fight back, because I know I can't win when they use the "we pay for your college" argument. Now that I'm home it's getting worse- they're trying to control my entire life, and using that guilt for everything. Down to what I do during the day, dating, and hanging out with my friends! I can't stand it! I want to have a good relationship with them, but how can I talk to them when they're not willing to listen to what I have to say?</p>
<p>It's gotten so bad that I'm considering withdrawing from my school and moving out with a friend, supporting myself and taking a year or two off to save up for an affordable school. Am I crazy for considering this? Or do I just have to deal with it?</p>
<p>Have you tried talking to them about it? My daughter became extremely frustrated one summer when she had to stay back at home during the break. She said we couldn’t treat her like she was in high school all over again–meaning we called to check in where she was every night, she had to be home a certain time, etc, although in college we never called her to see where she was at 12am. I think as parents it’s easy for us to go back to our old ways…as in she was under my roof again so she had to abide by our rules. I don’t think you should withdraw from school until you talk to your parents to see if the actual stress they are feeling is really due to the tuition.</p>
<p>It’s very hard to adjust when college students come home for the summer. My daughter has a five week break before her summer job begins, and when she came home she thought that she could come and go as she pleased all day and night. We established some ground rules as the rest of us are not on her schedule and we are getting up at 5 am for school and work. We sat down and gave her a time during the week when she had to be home, and I told her that on the weekends the time is much much more flexible. I explained that I understand completely where she is coming from, but she also needs to understand that the rest of us are up at 5:00 in the morning and I can’t fall asleep unless I know she is home. Of course I got the " when I am away you don’t know …" She is correct, but unfortunately she is not away right now and we need to establish some rules. During the day she can do what she wants within reason- told her its not smart to eat out every day as she will find herself with no money left etc. As long as she shoots me a quick text to let me know what she is up to, I don’t bother her. She now understands the rules and that Sunday-Thursday she must be home by a certain time. I am happy to report that after a bumpy start things re pretty good again. I tell her the same thing that my parents told me- my house, my rules. At the same time I am trying to treat her like an adult because I understand she is 19. It’s definitely an adjustment on both ends. I think that you need to sit down with your parents and have a talk with them. Are they aware of what is going on with your brother?</p>
<p>I remember my first break from college was extrememly frustrating. I was used to much more freedom at school and my parents were acting as if I was still in high school. These were the days before cell phones, and I was back with restricted use of the phone (not past 10 pm) and early curfews. I was outraged and thought they were treating me like a child.
Now I see it from their perspective. At middle age, the phone ringing late would keep them awake- and Dad had to go to work early in the morning. They would worry about me if I was out late. We can’t handle late nights as well as college kids- and need a good night’s sleep. Then, there is the transition for them to realize I was becoming an adult. I realize my own kids won’t really see my perspective until they are my age and I couldn’t see this at their age.
There also comes a time when you realize your parents aren’t perfect, and you have different opinions about things. Maybe they are unreasonable, but you are home for a short time. They are paying for your education because they want to see you become a self sufficient adult. It may mean a frustrating delay to independence for you, but the results of waiting to finish your education are worth it.
They are probably stressed over your brother too. This summer, try to live peacefully at home and as they see you maturing, they will likely ease up. You won’t always be at home for breaks- there will be other summer oportunities later. If you have a job-great and if you don’t have a job- try to help at home with housework and chores, and be a contributing adult. This may cut down on the “we pay for college” talk a bit.</p>
<p>What I thought summer break would be like, parent version: My offspring would have found a summer job, in order to help pay the tuition bills. We would talk about their career goals, catch up on their life, sort through the things they didn’t need and put them in storage. We would take mini-trips and enjoy each others company. They would have no curfew, but would help out by running some errands and chores since their father and I are working 10 hour days, and they are working 3 or 4 hours days a few times a week. They would hang out with their friends. </p>
<p>What summer break is actually like: My offspring comes home, not having ever packed so all the belongings are strewn about the entire shared living space. He had not found a job and while he continues to work on that(because we insist), I often come home to dirty dishes, unswept floors, unmown lawns, and requests to pick up meds next time I’m out. If I leave directions, he will cheerfully do these things – but generally does not think of it on his own. Most disappointing is the clear attitude that we are hopeless, lame, boring, old and a burden. He resents that I want to know when he’s coming home at night, even if I am only asking for a general window. I never text him. I never call him. He is on his phone texting all the time, never a moment to talk to me. It hurts my feelings. There will be no mini-trips (he booked activities with friends at every opportunity, and I don’t want to cut him off from his friends) and questions about career goals are met with grunts and eyerolling. I am resentful, sad, and yes, a little angry that the kind considerate ambitious child I sent to college has come back --for the moment — this entitled, whiny, bored stranger. Being treated like an adult goes both ways. Both ways.</p>
<p>Don’t do anything about school until you talk to your parents (calmly) about the financial issues. Maybe a transfer to a cheaper school would be in order, maybe not.
Maybe the stresser is your brother whom you say is smoking and drinking–the stresses may have been building for a while on your parents.</p>
<p>You can’t control your brother’s behavior, but you need to make sure that you are being productive by working at least part time, or, if that is impossible, volunteering in the community. Also make sure you are helpful around the house and that you let your parents know whether or not you’ll be around for supper, out later that usual, etc.</p>
<p>If you are doing all these things and they are still stressed and controlling, try talking to them when they are reasonably calm.</p>
<p>If it makes you feel any better, I’m in my early 50s. Five years ago my aging parents moved from out of state to a 5-minute walk from my house. My father even now has a way of making me feel like I’m back in high school. I’ve come to understand that his need to control everyone and everything is a result of lifelong, deep anxiety. So you are on the right track there.</p>
<p>Make sure they know that you are appreciative of them financing your college experience.
Be helpful… then when you have an opening try to have the conversation. And start w?..
is something bothering you? Are you upset? What can I do to make it better?
Going “on the attack” will not help but being compassionate may.</p>
<p>Read greenbutton’s post carefully. There is a lot to consider there… I do think you are crazy to think about quitting school over this, assuming school is going well and you like it there. Can you find some way to spend next summer on campus or getting a paying internship someplace so you don’t have to spend it at home?</p>
<p>By the way, I don’t think it is unreasonable for parents to want to know where you are going, who you are with, and when you will be home when you go out if you are living under their roof and eating their food this summer. Also don’t think it is unreasonable for them to want to be notified if you are changing plans (so not coming for dinner or coming home later than expected) so they don’t worry about you or wait for you for something. </p>
<p>And finally, if they are scrimping to pay for your college, regarding what you are doing during the day – if you aren’t working a summer job (or two), then you darned well better be making yourself useful around the house (does the garage need to be cleaned? yard mowed and trimmed? Any weeding or mulching needed? does a pet need to be walked, groomed, or cleaned up after? are you doing your own laundry, keeping your bathroom and room clean? Have you cooked dinner for your parents once or twice a week so they don’t have to do it when they get home, since they likey have cooked for you every day for 18 years? Cleaned up the kitchen after your own meals? Emptied the dishwasher without being asked? Dusted or vacuumed? Cleaned any common bathrooms everyone uses? Taken out the trash without being asked? Washed the cars?) If you are doing one of those two things (working a lot of hours OR making yourself as useful as you can figure out how to be around the house), a lot of your issues with your parents will likely disappear. </p>
<p>You are a young adult now, and old enough to appreciate the sacrifices your parents are making for you. Do what you can to make their lives easier, and they might treat you more like the adult you want to be.</p>
<p>Many good advice here. I am alarmed by your brother’s underage drinking and smoking. If he gets into trouble with the law, it will add extra stress to everyone in your family. Maybe you can spend sometime to communicate with him, or both of you can do things together to help around the house. Shutting down leads to more misunderstanding. Start talking. Everyone express their concerns, listen to each other, and discuss the best way to work things out as a family.</p>
<p>I think if you are living at home for the summer, then you must expect that you will have to accept your parent’s rules, whatever they may be. Thats just the way it works. I know many college students that choose not to come for the summer for that very reason. They find a job and housing in their college town and stay. That would be my suggestion to you for next summer. </p>
<p>Keep yourself busy this summer with your job and friends. Minimize the time spent hanging around the house. This should help you get through with the least amount of conflict.</p>
<p>OP, it’s so normal to feel constricted when you first come home from the freedom of college. Fighting against all of the restrictions of “living at home” is part of your transformation process of becoming an adult. But you are not a total adult quite yet…your transformation won’t be complete until you are capable of appreciating things from others’ perspectives, and sometimes moderating your desires in consideration of those other perspectives.</p>
<p>I came to the abrupt realization that my boys have become adults when I realized that suddenly they worry about me and their dear old dad. When I visited them in DC last summer, my sons insisted on taking the metro with me, and walking me back to my hotel, before going on to their Thursday night plans. I didn’t feel that I needed an escort, and was quite competent to safely return to my hotel on their own–so I know how you feel–but they weren’t comfortable with me going alone. </p>
<p>My point is that an adult considers others points of view and often will try to accommodate them. </p>
<p>If you can anticipate some of your parents concerns,try to allay them before they voice them and they become a point of contention, as a way of showing that you are considering their perspective. For example, on Tuesday can you say, “Thursday X and I are going to see the new movie at Old Theater and we want to go out for coffee after. I will probably be home around 12:00 and I know you will be in bed. I will come in quietly and turn out the hall light so you will know I am home. Do you want me to text you when we leave the theater/leave the coffee house?”</p>
<p>Also, remember that part of being perceived as being an adult is acting like one. Demonstrate your maturity around your parents. As others have said, make sure they come home to a clean house/a prepared dinner. </p>
<p>If you do have a job, mention it when you get a paycheck, and how you are allocating it…like, " Wow! i got paid to day, and after taxes I only got $250. I filled up the car with gas today because I know I have been using the car a lot. I think I am going to use $25 for spending money this week, and I am going to put the rest away to help pay for my expenses at school/books/etc. next semester."</p>
<p>I think for the most part you have to deal with it. You sound like a very lucky person to have parents who are paying for your college education. Be grateful.</p>
<p>Are your parents annoyed that you’re not earning any money over the summer to ease the burden somewhat? They may be annoyed that they’re in the “rat race” of work, while you’re having a jolly good time (in their eyes).</p>
<p>OP, what are you doing with your time during the day? Are you working, taking classes, or volunteering? Are you doing chores? </p>
<p>Your parents may be frustrated because they see you as acting like a dependent child with no responsibilities (i.e. sleeping late, expecting to have leisure time all summer, etc.) while at the same time wanting adult freedoms. Have you openly discussed your and their expectations of how you would spend your time in the summers or breaks when you are living at home? Are you making contributions to the household? Adults don’t generally get summers off. That is the reality you have to get used to.</p>
<p>You are dreaming if you think that moving out and trying to support yourself while living with friends is going to be easier or more pleasant than trying to come to some understanding with your parents that allows you to live with them amicably. Don’t let short-term frustrations blind you to the long-term benefits of their support.</p>