I’m sorry, this degree of intrusiveness is not appropriate unless you’ve been in legal trouble or rehab. Did an older sibling mess up? I cosign with creating new social media accounts, and buying a flip-phone. My kids DO have a ‘track-my-phone’ app, but mostly in case they phones are stolen or lost. I also cosign with limiting access to the inner workings of your college account. I WILL want access to the $ side of my kids’ accounts, though, so I know what money is due and when. I wont trust D to tell me with enough lead time to avoid a mad scramble
I agree there are a few kids, who’ve been in trouble with drugs or other issues, that might warrant this level of privacy invasion. But with most kids, this is just too much.
So, I also wonder what the back story is here - is there a good reason why the parents are so intrusive? If not, they really need to back off. Kids won’t grow up unless you give them the space and freedom to do so.
The parents are still treating OP like he is still in high school. (Actually, I thought I hovered over my high-school-aged daughter, but she’s completely free-range compared to OP’s situation!)
Good luck to the OP. I agree with others about finding ways to use FB and texting without their seeing your posts and texts.
“A couple of months ago it got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and told them I was going to figure out a way to pay for everything on my own because they were to controlling.”
Don’t just threaten this, do it. Emancipate yourself. You must be at least 18 years old? Do it yourself. Your relationship with your parents, as you described it, is not healthy and you know it. Take charge and change it. You will have hardships to becoming independent, but they will be worth it.
Only minors can be “emancipated”. This person is over 18. He/she is an adult.
That said, he/she can’t be “independent” for financials in regards to college.
My advice would be to stop going home for summer break. Find a reason to stay at school–work on campus, find a research position or internship near campus, take classes at your university. Keep in contact with your parents as a courtesy because they are clearly worried about you, but staying away will give you some freedom since it seems like they do allow you some freedom during school. Also, I would recommend making sure you’re working towards becoming financially independent as soon as possible.
Don’t give up on trying to get them to change. If they are financially involved in your life, you have to learn to work with them, live within their rules, or start paying for everything yourself. Keep talking to your parents about stepping back a little. Try to be calm and rational, instead of emotional about it. Start with one thing at a time. Maybe talk to them about changing your passwords to social media. Don’t do it without warning them first. Just say that you’re going to and explain why. Ask them to trust you, like you trust them. Let them still be friends with you on facebook or something, but cite your past good behavior for a reason why they can trust you. If there was something in your past that is making them wary, talk about how you have changed. Or maybe talk to them about keeping your texts to yourself. Or whatever you want to do. It can be really hard to change behavior, but it’s worth a shot until you’re ready to become financially independent.
Also, be on your best behavior. Make sure you keep your grades up, you’re working hard at your job, and that you’ve got a good peer group. Try to be as responsible and mature in your interactions with them as you can. Show them that you’re mature and ready for responsibility. Don’t give them any excuses for their behavior. If there is nothing concerning in your past behavior and/or grades, then you should have tons of evidence to give them on why they should trust you with more privacy and independence.
And in the meantime, if you need to make it more bearable, call your friends, instead of texting them, so your parents don’t know what you are talking about (if you don’t want the to know). Create another email address or facebook account that your parents don’t have access to (be careful with this because if your parents find out, they can claim that this is evidence of you being deceitful–which is true but it’s not an unreasonable thing to do). Get your own phone on your own plan so that you control what you do with it.
This can be a really hard thing to hear after doing poorly on a test, but perhaps, your mother would have been more comfortable with you saying something like, “I’m not sure since I studied very hard for it, but I think it might be [whatever your reason is–studied the material in the wrong way, ran out of time/careless mistakes because I was rushing, etc]. I’m going to go to my professor’s office hours to go over the test together so I can identify why I did poorly and come up with strategies to fix those issues before the next exam, and I’m making an appointment with my TA (or the tutoring center or whatever) to better prepare for the next exam.” Your parents might just be worried (for whatever reason) that your grades are going to slip or that your not taking your schooling seriously or that you might get in over your head or whatever. Try to make it clear that you are taking things seriously, working hard, and managing your schoolwork responsibly. Giving her a possible reason for why you did poorly and what you plan to do to rectify it (meeting with your professor/TA to go over the exam and your plan in the future on how to do better) might help your parents feel like you’re in control of the situation.
What is the back story? How long has your SM been your SM? Does she also have her own kids? have they given her any trouble? Was she nosy with them, too?
OP, when we do new things we rarely do them well. When we are feeling our way forward into the unknown we all make lots of mistakes. You and your parents are learning a new way of interacting, and it is often hard.
So, building on the above posts, some suggestions:
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take a good hard look at yourself: to what extent are your parents fears founded? it may be the tiniest bit, it may be a lot, but probably there is at least a germ there. Be honest with yourself first. Whatever size it is, figure out what you are going to do about it- being realistic not blindly optimistic. Then write it down.
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write down all the stuff that demonstrates how you are being adult & responsible (a poster above listed some ideas)- and as the other poster said, be specific: worked campus job, on time 98% of the time, had responsibilities increased b/c the quality of your work was so good. Whatever, be accurate and honest.
3). Think hard about what you would like the communication to be like, then break those things down into the ones you really feel strongly about, the ones you would like, and the ones that would be nice. Again, write it down. Look at the list. You know yourself and you know your family. What is realistic? What can you offer in return? Some examples: monitoring your phone is not acceptable, so you will get and pay for your own phone. However, you will call every Sunday during term for a good chat. Having your FB password is not ok, but you will be FB friends with them. During the summer, discussions about things that they want to talk to you about will be done at a specific time and place, and to an agenda.
I know a fair few college students who don’t go home in the summer for just this reason: the conflict is too much. If you have not done anything that warrants your parents anxiety, then you are in a strong position to sit down and have the kind of discussion that so many of the posters here (including me) are suggesting.
But…I know from my first D that it is harder than it looks. That’s why I am suggesting figuring out what you really want- specifically- and writing it down. We honestly did not get that she was looking for more independence from family life- it came across as just pushing parents away in a rather belligerent way. It was so out of character for her to act in that manner that we got worried that something bigger was up. Really it was just that none of us knew what we were doing, as she morphed in 15 minutes from high schooler to young adult 
So unless your parents are completely whackadoodle, allow for the possibility that they - like you - are new at this stage and that their fear for you might be getting the better of them.
And if they are whackadoodle, get a summer job at your college next summer.
Wow, so many parents advising a kid to sneak around his parents and then take their money to go back to school. Whether we agree with what his parents are doing or not, I disagree with the advice to just sneak around the rules with secret cell phones and accounts.
I have my kids’ university account passwords because I pay the bills. My daughter has to change hers all the time and i had to text her at midnight on April 14 because I needed tax info. She also likes it when I pay her bills. I think I’m entitled to know things and it’s not like any big personal emails are sent to her college account. My other daughter kept saying her grades weren’t posted, but I finally just went on her account in January and showed her how to find them. She doesn’t check for assorted fees posted to her account ($5 for getting locked out of her dorm or other small things).
OP, work it out with your parents, suck it up, or give up the financial support they provide. Their house, their rules.
I don’t understand this logic: If you are paying, you have the right of controlling others.
How have you been doing academically ? It sounds like they are really worried about your grades.
Have they always been this way ? It’s only your first year of college, maybe they’ll calm down gradually with time (I find it encouraging that your dad acknowledged your concerns).
If they don’t, then I would just tough it out until graduation : get your degree, get a job and you’ll be independent. It’s only three years, and you’re lucky to be in a dorm instead of living at home… I agree with “their money, their rules” for now.
Just because you are paying doesn’t mean its a blanket ticket to being involved to this degree. Shared name on financial accounts, perhaps access to grades, ok. But the monitoring of texts and gps tracking is creepy, unless you have been dishonest or done something illegal and need that degree of oversight. Talk to your dad.
@twoinanddone, does the university know and condone this?
No way!
You are forcing your adult child to cheat!
SHE not you will pay the price if SHE gets caught.
One little computer virus on your computer …
ClassicRockerDad–University account passwords are needed to pay tuition, housing etc. It doesn’t mean access to grades, assignments etc. Yes, the university condones it --parents are paying the bills. There is no cheating involved. It’s finance.
Ditto the jaw drooping while I read the OP’s description. Totally inappropriate imho to have your parents reading through your texts and social media, and nit-picking/micromanaging your grades at this point. I also, however, strongly disagree with the advice to create secret accounts and to buy a secret phone. Omg, how that could backfire and prove your “sneakiness” if they were to find out!! My .02 is to tell them you want to work on creating a healthy and mature (they should appreciate that word) relationship between the three of you and, to that end, you’d like to go to family counseling. Have an outside party help develop healthy boundaries. Your parents need to learn to let go (!), and the three of you can set up some expectations/guidelines that all agree upon (you won’t do anything that gets you arrested, kidnapped or killed; you will maintain an x gpa in order to have them continue supporting your education; you will maintain contact in x ways-not by having them constantly snooping but by calling once a week etc, which is VERY reasonable for a young adult).
It IS hard for us parents to let go-terrifying, as a matter of fact-but necessary none-the-less. Be aboveboard but insist upon healthy steps toward independence. Best wishes!
Family counseling could be a good idea.
Maybe even if you don’t end up going, just bringing it up may be a reality check for the parents.
At Yale, for the student’s financial account, the parent has a separate log in that they have to use to access the account. That is after the student officially gives Yale authorization for the parent to have access. Of course I log in to check balances and pay. Glad I did, the $11,000 for her summer session at school and in Germany dropped on her bill right after I got her balance down to zero for the semester. Hmmm, she failed to mention that and probably didn’t even know it was there.
For her account that has her grades, classes, etc. she gave me her password. It is not her account where class work is located or where they post stuff for school. I do not have, nor want to have, access to her Yale e-mail account or personal one. I am recovering helicopter parent, and I make a point of not telling other parents how to raise their kids, but this does seem a little excessive. There must have been something in your high school career that has resulted in this kind of scrutiny and as others have said, you intimated it throughout your post that some things may be a little off.
I don’t need to check my kid’s grades because I know she is doing her work. Haven’t had to monitor that since she was in middle school. So, parents monitor at the level they feel they need to. Just like I tell my daughter, I trust you implicitly until you give me a reason not too. There must be something there that gives them the idea that you need to have every aspect of your life controlled.
It is up to you to work with them and show them you can do better. I work in law enforcement. Inmates tell us all the time they are “rehabilitated”. Usually not true. You are going to have to do more than talk a good game, you are going to have to show them you are serious. This will take time. Be patient. But until then, you are kind of in a bind since they seem to be tying your compliance to their continued financial support.
Tperry, it’s the same at my son’s school. Parents have a separate log in for accessing financial information. Student’s need to give permission for parent’s to access grades. I just assumed that was mid-term and semester grades, not every single assignment. I don’t know because I didn’t ask my son to grant me that permission.
I have always been of the mindset that school is their job, not mine. I’m here for them if they need my support or if things get out of hand, but I’m not hovering around waiting for something bad to happen.
The OP’s parents are way out of line, IMO and there has been some great advise in this thread.
Parents of traditional age college students (under 24, unmarried, not military) do have absolute veto power over the students’ college choices, based on the way the financial aid system works, unless the student gets a full ride merit scholarship. So parents do have the right to be as controlling as described as long as the student wants to attend college before reaching financial aid independence.
Of course, just because someone has the right to do something does not mean that it is actually a good idea to do it. Most people posting here disapprove of the kind of parental control described here, and the parents are probably damaging their future relationship with their kid, who will probably want to keep a very long arm’s length away from them as soon as s/he graduates.
ucb–“So parents do have the right to be as controlling as described…”
No, they don’t.
Wow! I’m amazed that anyone thinks that what these parents are doing is okay (unless, as mentioned, there have been some serious mental health/legal issues in the past). Access to financial stuff makes sense, and I don’t have a huge problem with the person paying the bill insisting on seeing the grades, but that’s really it. I plan to insist my son grant access to the financial stuff and will REQUEST access to his grades. But checking his texts - eww! I managed to resist that temptation when he was a 16 year old with his first girlfriend. I was immensely curious, but I knew him well enough to believe that he was acting responsibly and that he would come to us with any real problems. It’s none of my business. Today he drove himself to a college 2 hours away for an overnight visit to help him decide which college to attend. I asked for two texts - one to let me know he arrived, and one when he leaves. I’ve received the first, and have no intention of contacting him tomorrow unless it’s well after the time I expect him home.
And I consider myself a somewhat over-involved Mom of an only child.