I’m in my first semester at my state flagship school. I kind of ended up here by default, since I didn’t get into either of the schools that I was actually interested in going to.
When classes started in September, I fell into depression. I’ve been on an antidepressant for about a month, and I ended up dropping a couple classes to make this hard time more manageable. While I’m doing better, it’s still hard to work up the effort to do assignments and I’m not at all interested in school right now.
I brought this up to my mom, since I think the best thing for me would be to take some time off from school and figure out what exactly I want to do with my life, and she told me that college is where I’m supposed to figure that out and that I need to take classes until I get a degree.
I REALLY don’t think this is a good idea. I’m so unmotivated and almost nothing academic interests me anymore. My current school doesn’t offer what I think I’m interested in now (Music Industry), so I’m looking at some other schools. One thing I think I need is just a big change. I’m an hour and a half away from home and I think I need somewhere completely new. The best thing for me right now would probably be to take some time off from school, work and save some money, maybe take some classes at the local community college, then next fall look at applying to the programs I’m interested in.
How can I get my mom to agree to my plans? It’s not like I’m running off somewhere with no idea of what I’m doing and where I’m going with my life. I just need some more time to figure it out.
You say that you are on antidepressants, are you also working with a therapist? If so, you could ask the therapist if he or she would help you with discussing your plans with your mother and invite your mother to a session. You live close enough where this is feasible.
This is a tough one because there is no way for any of us to give you advice because there are just too many variables, As a mom of 2 college kids and one high school senior, I can tell you that sometimes what teens want is not always what is best for them. What you want may not be what is best, it is just what you want.
Parents have the life experience to see around corners that you cannot yet and it is our job to guide you and that means, making you stick it out when the going gets tough and you don’t “feel like it”. Life is not always about how you feel, but doing what is right and needs to be done, regardless of how you feel.
That said, I don’t know you and what your exact mental state is. Are you truly clinically depressed or just unmotivated and feeling down and don’t have the self discipline and maturity yet to pull your boot straps up and get yourself out of a rut? This might be that opportunity where you grow up a bit.
Life is tough out here and we don’t always get to take a break from it to go find ourselves. In fact, you can’t find yourself. You have to make yourself and who choose to become.
We all need a break from life. Ask your mom. As a parent, I am sure she has wanted to jump off the spinning globe a time or two and make everything freeze so she could take a break from the demands. Did she check out because it was easier or did she see the responsibilities that were in front of her and find better coping mechanisms?
If you were my child, I would want you to stick out the semester. Give it your all. Do not give way to “feelings” (yes, I know easier said than done but life takes effort). Go talk to someone at school. They have people whose job it is to council young people in your predicament. You are not the first person to feel this way and you won’t be the first or last person they help. Your issues are not unique. They can help with coping skills.
Quitting college and working. At your age and with your current work experience, do you plan to live at home and have your mom pay all of your expenses so you can save money?
Do you have an idea of how much money you want to save?
Do you know how much you need to make in order to save that amount of money, if you contribute to your upkeep?
Do you know if you even qualify for that amount of pay or that there are jobs you can get that pay what you need to make?
See, there is more to what you want than just saying you want to quit school and work to save money. That is not a plan. A plan has specifics. Do you have those and are they realistic?.
Without knowing you and all of your particulars. my advice to you is to go on a long walk in a beautiful park/area and really search yourself and change your perspective. Growing up is hard and most times, hard work has to be put in before we are qualified and earn the privilege of doing what we want. If you are clinically depressed and litterally cannot function to override your feelings and make a conscience decision to change your attitude and thought processes, then I implore you to tell your mom your state of mind and that you need help. You need to have a support system in place that includes professional therapists in addition to your antidepressant.
I wish you all the best. Growing up is hard but you have the capacity to make it what you want. It doesn’t just happen, but that is the the joy of the ups and downs that shape who you are and who you choose to become.
I meant to add, that while the school you are attending may not be the best fit for you, after this semester is finished, you can take the holidays to maybe search where else you would like to attend and make a solid plan.
One of my sons took a gap year and then decided he had no interest in college at this point in his life. He lived at home for three years, worked extremely hard, and saved lots of money. He has moved to a music city on his own dime, completely self-supporting (including car and insurance). He is very happy. At some point he may wish he had done the traditional college route but I haven’t seen any hints of that yet, and we had hundreds of conversations about that possibility. So he can’t say that he is unaware of the negatives to not having a college degree.
You are an adult (most likely?). You do not have to convince your mom of anything. But it really helps if you have her support. Just as you make your choices, she can make hers. She may choose to not support you financially whatsoever. Be aware of how big that decision is - car, insurance, cell phone, food, housing, furniture, computer, etc. Perhaps if you have a solid plan, and appear to be working hard to advance your life, she would be open to you living at home. I know I was. It took me awhile to make peace with the fact that my son didn’t want to go to college. It was very hard for me to understand and accept. Give your mom some time.
Since you are dealing with mental health issues this is also something that should be heavily explored in therapy. I liked the suggestion above of pulling your mom in to those discussions if you and your therapist are comfortable with that. I would want to make sure that the mental health issues are not clouding the college decisions.
No matter where you go or what you do, you’re still left with you in the mirror at the end of the day. Escaping or avoiding pain in your life won’t help you become your best self. On the other hand, I truly believe that young adults should chart their own paths. The lessons we learn for ourselves are the best lessons of all imho.
Wishing you peace and clarity in all that you’re doing. It’s your life! Make the most of it.
Another way to look at this is trying to preserve your GPA. It is hard to come back from a trashed GPA due to depression. Are you trying to get a medical withdrawal in the middle of this semester, or are you trying to go home after this semester ends and not come back for spring semester?
People who have never experienced depression think you can just “suck it up” and move forward. It’s not that easy. If you can get the medical professional who prescribed your anti-depressants to speak with your mom, maybe she can be educated about your condition and become more supportive.
Are you 18? If so, you have some decision making power. Unfortunately, so does your mom. She can’t make you re-enroll for another semester, but you are old enough that she can refuse to allow you to live in her home. So tread lightly as you negotiate your return home.
When speaking with your mom, lose the references to “finding yourself”. It can distract from the real problem–you are clinically depressed and need help to recover from your depression. If you had cancer, would she refuse to help? Getting her to see depression as a illness might help her be more compassionate.
It is hard to parse your depression from your inmaturity in this post. Part of me wonders if your mom has seen you give up when the going gets tough before, and is pushing back for that reason. You can continue at your current college, work for good grades, and present a plan to your mom at winter break to transfer to a school with the major you want. But you need to figure out the finances, too, otherwise it isn’t much of a plan.
I’m planning on finishing this semester. There are only about 6 weeks of classes left and I think I can get through it. The preserving GPA part is definitely true. My grades aren’t stellar this semester, and I don’t think I’m going to see a drastic turnaround for next semester, either. I really wish I could stay in school, since that’s the traditional path and it’s what I and everyone else expected me to do. I just don’t think it’s good for me right now. I AM immature in some ways, I know that. I don’t think I’m mature enough to handle college level work right now, which is another reason I want to leave.
Clarinet, I had a child that struggled with depression due to some circumstances in her life. While she zombied through her day to do what was expected of her, she really struggled. With great therapy and antidepressants for a short period and some changes in her life, some big and some just to take the pressure off, things began to turn around for her. It took about 6 months to get to where she is now, but it is doable. While she was a senior in high school, she stayed in her school, but we changed her schedule around and she withdrew from Varsity soccer and stayed in the varsity orchestra among other things. She is now thriving in her freshman year, in an out of state Big 12 school. Her recovery took confiding in us and laying it all out on the table so we knew what we were working with and there were no more secrets, and finding a great therapist. If you don’t get the support from home that you need, there are support groups and therapists who can help you. Someone at your school may be able to direct you to that or the person who prescribed your meds. I am rooting for you.
Your mother knows best in this case. Without a college degree, you are going to have a hard time finding a job and advancing. I suppose you could become a tradesman, some good careers there, but you don’t strike me as the type.
Hmmm, I’m going to take a slightly contrarian view. You said you’re managing, and your GPA is simply serviceable. If you really think things are going south (and in many ways you’re the one who will know), you need to take some time off, so you don’t ruin your chances in the future.
Taking time off to regroup or go to community college is not shameful, and can be the responsible way to go. I tend to be in your court on this.
I think your mom may be getting mixed messages from you from what you write. And you are probably confused yourself. I get it.
The scenarios are:
I want to quit school right now because my depression physically keeps me from completing my work. If my grades suffer I’ll kill my GPA and never make it through school even when I recover. I have a plan though–I’ll take some classes and work in the meantime until I’m strong enough to continue. I do want to go to school but can’t manage it right now.
The fact you are antidepressants speaks to this scenario. I know how debilitating the apathy caused by depression can be both emotionally and physically. It’s a real physical condition that is hard to understand (or have empathy with) unless someone has experienced it or known someone with it. You need to enlist a therapist’s help to make your mom understand that this is a physical condition that needs to be addressed and that one “can’t just get over it” without super human effort. Quit and plan a return to school when you feel stronger.
I want to quit school because I’m not sure what I really want to do and feel like I’m spinning my wheels. That’s depressing me. I think taking time off will help me figure what that might be.
In this case, I see your mom’s point and this is probably what she hears. It doesn’t make sense to drop out of school to “find yourself”. In this case, find some classes you ARE interested in and try it out. Big state flagships usually have plenty of majors to choose from. Working at the local deli won’t help you discover what you want to do for a career. Yes, still depressing at this moment but more of a short lived depression in most instances since once your situation improves–so will you.
I want to transfer schools and am just not interested in this flagship.
I want music industry–I think. I’ll be happier elsewhere–I think. It’s making me depressed and just not interested in attending class.
Review scenario two. Try some other classes. Go to a guidance counselor–be proactive–there may be programs you don’t know exist. And groups/clubs that will help you get involved.
And realize BIG TIME that the financial commitment for art/music schools may be way out of your parents comfort zone. Do not saddle yourself with debt–wishful thinking about dream schools don’t make them cheaper (or better in a lot of cases).
There are many avenues into most industries and your flagship may have one which will make you happier.
@gouf78 I’ve checked out courses for next semester, and I can’t say that anything offered really interests me. There are hundreds of courses to choose from, but none of the classes that I’m eligible for appeal to me all that much. I’m hoping this is because of the depression, and that once I’m recovered I’ll be more interested in classes. I’ve met with my advisor, and she didn’t have any suggestions about Music Industry career tracks. She said she isn’t very familiar with programs like that. I am in a couple music clubs, one of which is a music industry-focused club, and I’ve been enjoying it more than anything else on campus.
I really do wish I could stay at my current school and be happy. I’ve started to make some friends and I like spending time with them. I just don’t feel 100% comfortable here.
Get your depression under control. Keep taking the antidepressants…keep in touch with your Dr. if they are not working for you. Also consider therapy if they think it is a good idea.
Preserve your GPA
You dropped some classes, so that means you have some left. it it is very very important that you do not fail them.
It will be difficult to transfer with a horrible GPA. So you need to
A) Pass these classes
B) or Take a Medical Withdrawal
Do not fail, and do not “drop out”.
Current courses: Even if you are going to do something in the music industry, you will probably have to take whatever classes you are taking now if you intend to get a college degree. Maybe you are taking Psych101…you would have to take that no matter what college you go to. Figure out a way to pass these…get a tutor? Form a study group? Go to office hours? If you go to community college, it will be no different.
"One thing I think I need is just a big change. I’m an hour and a half away from home and I think I need somewhere completely new. " Why? What will be different at another school? I can imagine your mom not understanding this…plus if you have a scholarship you will lose it as colleges don’t give scholarships to transfer students generally.
Realistically Plan
What your mom doesn’t want is for you to stop going to college and then just hang out at home. You are not interested in college, what makes you think you will be interested in an entry level/minimum wage job? What if you can’t find one? Can you start applying now while you are in school? You could come home over the weekend for an interview. What part of the music industry are you interested in? Business? Managing? Logistics? Music Production? Audio Engineer? Once you know, start looking at colleges that do that sort of thing.
Think like an adult
So now you’re 18+…living at home is a gift. If you don’t go back to that school and live at home, tell your mom that you thank her for letting you live at home and what household chores should you be responsible for (and DO THEM!!). If you lived on your own you would have to do them. Make sure you keep your room/bathroom/laundry clean regardless. If you see a garbage can full, empty it. If the dishwasher is clean, empty it. Don’t rely on being told to do things.
But right now do your best to finish your current courses this semester to set yourself up for your next endeavors.
Also make sure if she has paid for next semester to figure out how she can get a refund.
This campus was never one that I’ve loved. After the tour I, along with my parents, left saying “meh, it’s nice”. I just don’t really like this campus and I don’t feel any special connection to it. I know that that’s not guaranteed to happen, but at other schools I didn’t get into my senior year of high school, I had more of a feeling that I would fit in and that I could make a home for four or more years at that school. That’s definitely not the case here.
Nothing has been paid for for next semester, so my family won’t lose any money if I decide not to return. I’m not on any scholarships, so there’s no risk there, either.
I have a handful of programs that I’m interested in already in a more specific music field.
Great! just do your best to finish up this semester…if you have trouble getting yourself to study, try to find a friend to be an accountability partner.