<p>My academic credentials are on par with those of UC Berkeley's admitted students and I would really like to pursue my undergraduate degree there as their programs are strong and because of the reputation of the school.</p>
<p>My parents know I am capable of doing very well at any institution and have always been very proud of me and my accomplishments but have always been uneasy when it comes to moving away for college.</p>
<p>My mother especially cannot stand the idea of her youngest leaving her (I am the only one in my family to ever attend college) to move a couple hundred miles away. We are members of a conservative religion wherein college really isn't recommended and especially moving away for college, as that can have negative effects on one's spirituality.</p>
<p>A few people whom we know, and through word-of-mouth, have moved away for college and all of them have not ended up well spiritually by definition of our church.</p>
<p>I know that I am capable of balancing my religious and educational goals in such a way that neither will suffer (and I've been doing so thus far). I'm exemplary in both and I am very sad to know that my educational goals can be limited because of my presumptuous parents who believe that education far away is a no-no.</p>
<p>Now religious beliefs aside, how did your children convince you (if there were any prior preoccupations with the idea) to go to a higher-ranked university far from home? And what tips would you give me on how to "break the news" to them? (I mostly joke that I'm leaving. . .though I really am. . .).</p>
<p>Thanks, I hope all of you can offer some great insight.</p>
<p>Whoa, wait a minute. Are you in Calif or OOS? Berkeley admits far,far fewer OOS students than instate so if you are not living in Calif then know that your chances are not the same as those for equally qualified Calif residents.</p>
<p>no convincing was necessary. My son & I knew from early on that he would go away to college. He wanted out of this city and he's loving being in NYC. I think it's pretty selfish for parents to insist on kids staying home (unless the reason is financial or a health issue). </p>
<p>What do they expect you to do after HS? Is there a local college you could go to for a year and transfer to an 'away' school? </p>
<p>From the day my son was born, my goal was to prepare him to be independent. For him and me, there is no way that could happen without him moving away. I realize it's not that way for everyone.</p>
<p>I don't understand how going to college 200 miles away or going to college 2 miles away will have much of a different impact on your religious thoughts. It's possible the 'type' of college could make a difference - i.e. ultra-religious afiliated versus nonsectarian. Berkeley has a bit of a reputation as a 'liberal' college (I'm understating here) so you'd certainly be surrounded by a lot of people who have different ideas than you. But if you went to UCLA or UCSD or any other UC or CalState or most privates it wouldn't be much different even if one of them was closer to your home. </p>
<p>The question is, is that a bad thing? Most on this board including me will probably say it's not - that it's a good thing. If your religious perspective can't hold itself up when you're exposed to different perspectives and ideas then perhaps that perspective was skewed in the first place. If it holds up or gets stronger in spite of the other perspectives you see, then wouldn't that be a good thing? </p>
<p>At some point in time in your life you'll likely move away from the protective cocoon and start being exposed to other ideas, temptations, perspectives, etc. and you'll have to deal with it and shape yourself accordingly. For most people that starts in earnest around college age.</p>
<p>Maybe you could start that conversation with an invitation to them. By that I mean, ask them what they would want from you to reassure them as far as their worries about you, your safety, your religious committment, your ties to your family. If you could come up with some kind of an arrangement that might settle their fears a little... is there a branch of your church somewhere in the Bay Area? Could you and your parents make some connections there so that your parents knew you had like-minded people to touch base with, who could be there for you if necessary? Maybe, since it's just a couple hundred miles away (not far at all in Calif. terms!) you could promise to come home for long weekends. I guess what I'm saying is to try to find ways to minimize their concerns. It might be a tough sell, but if they sense you're really trying to meet them halfway, it could mean a lot.</p>
<p>I have a feeling that however much you may have to do to ease their concerns initially, it may well lighten up as time goes on and they adjust to the change.</p>
<p>And give them good, solid, specific reasons why you want to go there. Not just that it's "better" or "more challenging", but talk about specific programs, professors, opportunities.</p>
<p>Good luck, I know what you're trying to accomplish is hard and sensitive. When my husband was first going off to college -- less than 100 miles away -- his dad said, "I can't believe you're doing this to us." It's an immense of amount of emotional weight for a young person, but be strong and persist. Somehow you'll make it happen. Obviously the writing is on the wall -- at least on the wall in your head -- that you have to move out into the bigger world. Good luck to you.</p>
<p>"Good luck, I know what you're trying to accomplish is hard and sensitive. When my husband was first going off to college -- less than 100 miles away -- his dad said, "I can't believe you're doing this to us." It's an immense of amount of emotional weight for a young person, but be strong and persist. Somehow you'll make it happen. Obviously the writing is on the wall -- at least on the wall in your head -- that you have to move out into the bigger world."</p>
<p>Very well stated. What would the world be today if Yao Ming's parents said "You can't leave China" or Warren Buffett's parents said "You can't invest outside of Omaha" or Bill Gates parents said "You have to study for the priesthood, we insist."</p>
<p>
[quote]
What would the world be today if Yao Ming's parents said "You can't leave China" or Warren Buffett's parents said "You can't invest outside of Omaha" or Bill Gates parents said "You have to study for the priesthood, we insist."
[/quote]
</p>
<p>The parents' concern isn't this world, it is the next.</p>
<p>Feeling at home spiritually was important to my children, so one of the things we did is make an appointment to talk to the leaders of some of the religious groups on campus when we made campus visits. This was actually one of the best things we did, because we got <em>so</em> much more insight on student life than you can get from a group tour. It's really great if you can meet with the leader and some of the students. And seriously, some of the strongest, friendliest, busiest groups were on campuses that were seen as liberal or party-schools. </p>
<p>I'd recommend that you get busy with google - find some religious groups on campus you think you may feel comfortable with and get in touch with them. Do the same for churches (or other assemblies - don't know what religion you mean :-) in the area. </p>
<p>If you intend to stay involved in the same religion, if you show yourself mature by making a plan to do so, I'll bet your parents become much more comfortable with the move.</p>
<p>It helped my relationship with my own mother so much when I realized that she really just wanted the best for me and I just needed to calmly help her understand my perspective instead of getting mad and defensive. We're best friends now :-)</p>
<p>Yes I'm in California. And there are branches in the Bay Area so I was thinking maybe visiting and getting to know some people from the local congregation, etc.</p>
<p>What steps do you all think I should take in introducing them to not only the idea? Do I just tell them straight out or do I gradually start selling them?</p>
<p>And I'm very open to others' beliefs and perspectives which is why I'm loving college-level courses.</p>
<p>go to your congregation and talk to the leaders. If you can convinve them, they can help you to convince your parents. Do not argue with your parents before you are admitted. Tell them how nice it would be if you are admitted, talk about possibilities, they may get used to it by the time you are admitted.</p>
<p>You know your parents much better than us so it'll probably come down to you figuring out the best way to present your wishes. This board is full of parents who are, if anything, overboard pro-college so it's hard to many of us to relate to what your parents (or is it the church) are thinking. </p>
<p>I always like the honest straightforward approach but before presenting one's position it's good to have supporting data -</p>
<ul>
<li>What you expect to achieve out of attending any college</li>
<li>Why attending college isn't mutually exclusive with practicing your religion (assuming it's not)</li>
<li>Why you think Cal (or whatever) is offering what you're looking for in a college</li>
<li>Why attending a college away from home will be beneficial for you - to help you mature, become independent, become an 'adult' (don't think it just happens because you have a birthday), broaden your horizons so you can apply critical thinking to all subjects throughout your life</li>
<li>How there is still access to your religion even while on a campus 200 miles away</li>
<li>Any examples of people in your religion who have attended 'college away from home"??</li>
<li>etc.</li>
</ul>
<p>Now some reality - some religions specifically don't want people to be open to learning - the religion will tell the person everything they want the person to know as a way to control the person. These religions know that the more one expands their mind and thinks for themselves the less likely they are to stick with that particular religion. It wasn't that long ago that religions literally ruled the land (they still do in many areas) and applied extreme control on the individual. </p>
<p>I don't know your religion and don't need to know it but red flags start going up when I hear 'college' (education) and 'moving away' (broadening one's perspective) aren't 'recommended'. It sounds quite controlling and limiting to me. It sounds like you have a much more open mind than the religion.</p>
<p>I'll probably get shot for saying this but yes, it's quite controlling and tight-knit.</p>
<p>And all of the stories regarding those who've moved away are negative. Go figure.</p>
<p>And unfortunately, I don't plan to stick with it when I'm an adult for personal reasons and so now anyone else wishing to expand their horizons will have my story as another one of those negative ones, though I definitely would have continued had it not been for personal reasons.</p>
<p>So basically I need to just present my wishes and the reasons and benefits that will be outcomes of going along with those wishes and be sure they know I am fine and that I will be for the next few years?</p>
<p>It is quite possible to become a mature, independent, lovely human being, while attending a college close to home. Distance does not guarantee maturity.</p>
<p>In re-reading your post I guess I'm not sure - do you think the religion is playing a big part in this for your parents or do you think they just have some of the more typical 'kid leaving home syndrome'? There are actually a fair number of parents who aren't thrilled with their kids leaving home but they often come to terms that it's usually inevitable at some point and end up handling it okay. If you're planning to go only a 100-200 miles away it actually should be easier for them since logistically it's easier for them to see you on the occasional weekend and for you to come home on long weekends. Maybe you'll have an easier time convincing them than you think.</p>
<p>
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It is quite possible to become a mature, independent, lovely human being, while attending a college close to home. Distance does not guarantee maturity.
[/quote]
I agree but whether one continues to live at home versus out of the home can make a difference. I have one D who attends college only 30 minutes away but she's lived on and near the campus the whole time and I think it usually makes a difference.</p>
<p>nglez - I'm so sorry that this is what you are facing. As mentioned earlier, most parents you find on this board will encourage you to follow your dreams to whatever college that will excite you about learning. Are you a junior or senior?</p>
<p>Just curious - you say you are the youngest child and the only one to go to college. What have your older siblings done? Did they move out when they got jobs? How far away? How much do your parents still try to control their lives? Have they all continued to follow your parents' religious tradition? If not, did your parents ostracize them?</p>
<p>I ask, because it may boil down to making a choice. Are your parents willing to pay for your college no matter where you go? Or will they hold that over your head? If so, your choices will be different. If they have not put restrictions on your attendance, then you will just need to figure out how to deal with their disappointment. Many posters here have offered some excellent suggestions.</p>
<p>However, what raised a red flag with me was your comment that you do not plan to stick with this particular tradition. If you convince your parents that you can maintain your tradition in a college setting 200 miles away from home, then go away and abandon everything that they hold true, their disappointment will be heightened (See, we told you so). You're talking to the queen of playing the please the parent gang, so I understand that you may have to compromise temporarily to get the education you desire. But do some self-reflection and ask yourself how you will feel if you are either, not being genuine to yourself, or two, not being truthful with your parents. Coming to terms with those issues might help inform you on how to approach your parents.</p>
<p>This is the time for YOU, your life, your path, your beliefs, your explorations...if you can figure out a way to afford college without your parents $, that is the best path for you, imo...if you look at your community, those that "stray" are seen in the negative only, and you now that aint the case</p>
<p>Remember, you aren't just dealing with your parents here, you are dealing with a whole community that fears change, adventure, anything different, and your parents will feel that pressure</p>
<p>DO NOT feel guilty for finding your own life and your own path, you can't live to please your parents, and if they are sad and disappointed, so be it...if they really care about you, they would be fine with you going to Cal if financially it was doable- if they want to hold you back, then you need to figure out how to make your dreams and life happen-</p>
<p>A lot of excellent comments. Remember that to be in their religion your ancestors at some time had to change from their parents' beliefs so any arguments regarding staying with the parental beliefs can be thrown out by their own example. In other words, don't let your parents prevent you from attending the best academic school you can afford and get into. You will have less daily conflict if you are able to live away from home while in college, especially as you grow and change with the exposure to other ideas. Go with your heart- you do not owe your parents or church anything. Do be prepared for some rough times with your family- I still remember the silence on the phone when I told my father I was not having a Catholic wedding (he liked my H-to-be and after his initial feelings happily attended the wedding, etc). You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life, so always be honest with yourself. It sounds like you are already struggling with your parents and childhood religion, do not sacrifice your life for their beliefs. Those "negative" outcomes would probably be considered positive by a great number of good people. I could go on and on trying to be polite not saying .... Take the good advice of the above posters and go to college away from home where you can become an adult.</p>
<p>Well actually you might not know whether or not you'll pursue your religion once you leave home. And you don't even have to decide that. It's very normal for students from some relgious homes to step away from it for a while, especially as young adults, and then return in modified form when they're ready to have a family and feel more traditional again.</p>
<p>So don't oppress your family by discussing at length with them this year, how much you will or won't oberve your faith once you begin college. You might surprise yourself and want to more than you think, or it could go the other way, but you don't know exactly. </p>
<p>How about this way: check out the church opportunities in the area and mention that you've looked them up, so you can go there if you want to. If they pin you down as to how often you'll attend, don't promise falsely, just say it's good to know there are places nearby.</p>
<p>Make every third sentence with your parents "I love you guys so much" or some variation in your own voice, so they'll be sure to know you're not making thiese choices because you don't love them or want their love in your life.</p>
<p>I especially like everyone else's suggestions about describing the program and all you can learn to your parents, so they can begin to imagine it and perhaps get enthused with you. At first I didn't want to send my youngest 3,000 miles away to California, but when he described his program of study, I could see that it could best be obtained there (a specialty major with the industry in California). He didn't act in any way difficult or rebellious, but I love him and could see (after several conversations, not just one) the light in his eyes when he spoke of why he wanted to go that far away. He was positive, kind, gentle, well-researched and enthusiastic. After a few conversations, I did catch on and let him go with a blessing. I hope you are similarly encouraged and blessed, but if not, just stay kind and tht will mean a lot.</p>
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<p>What steps do you all think I should take in introducing them to not only the idea? Do I just tell them straight out or do I gradually start selling them?<<<</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>It's hard to say how exactly a conversation like that should start. Sometimes you just have to be patient and wait for the right moment, and then sieze the opportunity when it presents itself. It needs to be a time when the other person is in a more receptive mood, when you feel there's an opening.</p>
<p>In your first post you mentioned that your mother had a harder time with the idea of you going away to college. Maybe it would make more sense to start by talking to your father about it -- just in a general way, not anything demanding he give you his approval at that moment. More just a conversation about what you're feeling, that there's something you feel very clearly about needing to stretch out a little bit (but don't say it in a way that challenges his belief system, make it more personal, not intellectual or theological.) And let the conversation have an open end... not a decision from him or you, just a sharing of what's going on in your own mind.</p>
<p>If you can slowly warm your father to the idea, you may have an important ally when it comes to your mother.</p>