Corny College jokes

College Confidential Community
1

<p>I was bored give me a break, found them randomly.</p>

<p>HOW MANY COLLEGE STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?</p>

<p>Vanderbilt: Two -- one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill.</p>

<p>Princeton: Two -- one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.</p>

<p>Brown: Eleven -- one to change the light bulb and ten to share the experience.</p>

<p>Dartmouth: None -- Hanover doesn't have electricity.</p>

<p>Cornell: Two -- One to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure.</p>

<p>Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it.</p>

<p>Columbia: Seventy-six -- one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest.</p>

<p>Yale: None -- New Haven looks better in the dark.</p>

<p>Harvard: One -- he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.</p>

<p>MIT: Five -- one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs hanging, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked light bulb two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.</p>

<p>Vassar: Eleven -- one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation.</p>

<p>Middlebury: Five -- One to change the light bulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.</p>

<p>Stanford: One, dude.</p>

<p>Oberlin: Three -- one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.</p>

<p>Georgetown: Four -- one to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U. students.</p>

<p>Duke: A whole frat -- but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket.</p>

<p>Williams: The whole student body -- when you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do.</p>

<p>Tufts: Two -- one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student.</p>

<p>University of New Hampshire, Durham: Four -- one to walk to the general store and have them order a light bulb from Concord, one to pick it up in 6-8 weeks, one to screw it in, and one to go to his class and sleep for him while he is doing it.</p>

<p>Sarah Lawrence: Five -- one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it.</p>

<p>Swarthmore: Eight -- it's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress.</p>

<p>Boston University: Three -- one to change the bulb and two to check his math homework.</p>

<p>Wesleyan: Wesleyan's boycotting GE... you know, military-industrial complex and all that.</p>

<p>Connecticut College: Two -- one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the light bulb wouldn't go out.</p>

<p>Virginia: Thirteen -- Ten to form student committee to vote on whether changing light bulbs is a violation of the Honor Code, one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg the he's standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr. Jefferson.</p>

<p>Bowdoin: Three -- one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, oneto take the chair lift back to school, and one to screw it in.</p>

<p>Boston College: Seven -- one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.</p>

<p>Santa Clara University: One -- but you would never know about it because only Cal and Stanford get press for changing their light bulbs.</p>

2

<p>There have been numerous threads done on this, all of them still pretty funny though</p>

3

<p>WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED A PHD</p>

<ol>
<li><p>He had only one major publication.</p></li>
<li><p>It was in Hebrew.</p></li>
<li><p>It had no references.</p></li>
<li><p>It wasn't published in a refereed journal.</p></li>
<li><p>Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.</p></li>
<li><p>It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?</p></li>
<li><p>His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.</p></li>
<li><p>The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.</p></li>
<li><p>He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.</p></li>
<li><p>When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.</p></li>
<li><p>When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.</p></li>
<li><p>He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.</p></li>
<li><p>Some say he had his son teach the class.</p></li>
<li><p>He expelled his first two students for learning.</p></li>
<li><p>Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.</p></li>
<li><p>His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.</p></li>
<li><p>No record of working well with colleagues.</p></li>
</ol>

4

<p>How many Indiana University students does it take to
change a light bulb?</p>

<p>All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job
they can get after they graduate.</p>

5

<p>I patently take offense to that Kinglin!!</p>

<p>haha jk...IU is a party school and they deserve that rep. :D</p>

6

<p>
[quote]
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

[/quote]

Hahaha :D that's amazing</p>

7

<p>That whole set of jokes is good.
It can also be said that he went and only delivered the results not on demand but when he desired.
He also used faulty TA's to teach his subjects.</p>

8

<p>lol im in canada and we have a similar chain of jokes.....a lot of the jokes are exactly the same, it's just that the school is different....weird lol.</p>

9

<p>WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF WRITTEN BY
COLLEGE STUDENTS</p>

<ul>
<li><p>The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.</p></li>
<li><p>The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.</p></li>
<li><p>New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.</p></li>
<li><p>Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.</p></li>
<li><p>Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to <a href="mailto:abuse@romans.gov">abuse@romans.gov</a>.</p></li>
<li><p>Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.</p></li>
<li><p>The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.</p></li>
<li><p>Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.</p></li>
<li><p>Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.</p></li>
<li><p>Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.</p></li>
</ul>

10

<p>Instead of turning the water into wine, Jesus would have turned the water into kegs of beer.
Adam and Eve would have lived in a one-bed dormitory.
Jesus would be the quarterback for the University of God football team, and the Angels would have been its cheerleaders.
Judas Iscariot was thrown out because he took pictures of some goings-on in his bedroom, and then attempted to kill Jesus once he was misinformed.
Purgatory would be Midterms and the Ten Commandments would be the core curriculum.
Curing leprosy would be changed to curing procrastination.
Jesus would not have destroyed the temple, he would have merely called it a frat party, because after all, he had just won a huge game.</p>

11

<p>There is a UChicago lightbulb joke that I saw somewhere on CC that was quite funny. Does anyone know where it is?</p>

12

<p>funny</a> take on colleges. you guys will appreciate</p>

13

<p>ohhhh wow^^</p>

<p>that was hilarious :D</p>

14

<p>Haha... that was awesome SonataX.</p>

15

<p>lol nice one sonata</p>

16

<p>FINAL EXAM from Hell</p>

<p>INSTRUCTIONS: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.</p>

<p>HISTORY: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.</p>

<p>MEDICINE: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.</p>

<p>PUBLIC SPEAKING: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.</p>

<p>BIOLOGY: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to it probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.</p>

<p>MUSIC: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.</p>

<p>PSYCHOLOGY: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicia, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.</p>

<p>SOCIOLOGY: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.</p>

<p>ENGINEERING: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.</p>

<p>ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all possible points of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.</p>

<p>POLITICAL SCIENCE: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.</p>

<p>EPISTEMOLOGY: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.</p>

<p>PHYSICS: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.</p>

<p>PHILOSOPHY: Sketch the development of human thought, estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.</p>

<p>GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. If you finish early turn your paper in at the table at the front of the room.</p>

17

<p>"Stanford: One, dude." is kinda weak. If a stanford student got, sat through, and turned in the final exam from hell, he or she would get at least a B.</p>

<p>How many stanford students does it take to screw in a light bulb?<br>
1, but he gets an A and five credits for it.</p>

18

<p>Location of DRab: Berkeley. That explains a lot</p>

19

<p>Well, the original joke was weak <em>shrug</em></p>

<p>It only explains a little. ;)</p>

<p>Care to clear you message box?</p>

20

<p>haha..i guess my response wasnt exactly a knee slapper either..will clear</p>