Correct my essay please?

Test Preparation
1

<p>Can you read it in like 2 minutes like the actual grading? </p>

<p>prompt:
Many people believe that our behavior should be consistent, that we should always be ourselves. They feel that we should not act one way with some people and another way with others. But is this right? Should our behavior always be consistent, or should we behave differently in different situations? Isn't behaving differently according to the people we are with or the situation we are in simply a matter of politeness and common sense?</p>

<p>Should people change their behavior depending on what situation they are in?</p>

<p>Essay
It is easy to just flow with the views of society and follow everyone else’s footsteps. The harder and road less travelled is to be oneself and act in ways consistent to one’s morals, beliefs, and personalities. The belief that people should change behavior depends on one’s situation is fallacious. In other words, people should express their true selves despite the discontent and disapproval of others or society. The evidence to support that fact is pervasive throughout history and literature. </p>

<p>The first example is of Michael Jackson who is the king of Pop. He did not start out this successful and would not have been where he is today had he followed the norm. During the start of his career, there were many times where he had been derided because of his dream. People who looked at him with contempt constantly surrounded him. Both in front of his supporters and his denouncers, he spoke and acted in pride and hope. Had he changed his attitude and lost hope in front of opposes, it would have eventually affected his true self and passion; so therefore, not be where how was in the present.</p>

<p>The second point is of Scout from To Kill a Mocking Bird. Despite the fact she was constantly derided by her Aunt for disgracing the family and acting un women like, she never changed her actions. She stayed with her true self. Instead of acting more like a lady in front of her aunt, Scout did not let her aunt’s influence affect her. IF she changed herself to fit expectations, every time she is with her aunt, Scout would have eventually converted into a whole new child, losing her childhood innocence and obtaining the same pessimistic views as her aunt. </p>

<p>The last example is of Bob Wherley who was a businessman that always behaved with politeness at work but truly is an energetic, reckless man with his friends. His co-workers always viewed him as a diligent, polite worker but one day he accidently let his true self show when the shocking news of his fantast football win was announced. Eventually, one’s true self will always show and make others question if Bob’s whole identity had been a lie. </p>

<p>If people acted differently in different situations that deviated from true behaviors and convictions, it will eventually change them into a whole different person that was not intended to be. Following the social norm will also stop oneself from achieving true dreams by acting and agreeing with those that denunciated one’s dreams. One’s true personality will also show through in the end so it is better to start as a genuine person than to be thought of as a fake actor. If everyone lived with authentic life, there will be more honesty and authentic relationships in the world.</p>

2

<p>My primary observation is that there are many mistakes and typos ( I hope they are typos not just poor grammar and usage). Your ideas are good and clear and your examples are reasonably effective in supporting your initial claim (esp the first 2 examples) but make sure you slow down and focus on your writing when you take the test itself! You have a tendency to use the wrong preposition, to confuse verb tenses, and make unnecessary errors. I’ve pulled out a few random examples and placed the corrections in CAPS.</p>

<p>consistent to one’s morals>>> consistent WITH one’s morals
people should change their behavior depends on one’s situation>>>people should change their behavior dependING on THEIR situation
where he had been derided>>>where he WAS derided
spoke and acted in pride and hope>>>acted WITH pride and hope
Had he changed his attitude and lost hope in front of opposes, it would have eventually affected his true self and passion; so therefore, not be where how was in the present.>>>not actually sure what you were trying to say here
If people acted differently… it will eventually change them >>> it WOULD eventually change them.
If everyone lived an authentic life, there will be more honesty…>>>there WOULD be more honesty…
The last two sentences are the same mistake following the subjunctive. It’s basically an “If…then” construction although you don’t actually make ‘then’ explicit in the sentences.</p>

<p>Overall, I think you can solve your problems by not using language and constructions that don’t come naturally to you. Simple is OK if you get your point across clearly and you are less likely to make mistakes with grammar, syntax, meaning etc. E.g. the word denunciate is definitely not what you want to say but I’m sure you can think of what you mean and how to say it. I think if you clean this up and strengthened your last example, you would get an 8 or 9 on the SAT. Good luck!!!</p>

3

<p>*cleaned this up</p>

4

<p>Thanks. i’ll be sure to work on my grammar. To be honest, my third example was made up on the spot so i would like to know how it was weaker than my first paragraph? Just in case i can’t think of anything can you tell me what i should to do improve on my fake paragraphs?</p>

<p>Also what is your take on personal anecdotes because i learned that it isn’t as valid and good as historical or literary examples so should i use it?</p>

5

<p>I think that personal anecdotes can be fine if they strongly support your argument and the entire essay is focused and well composed. You always have some extra credibility when you can use historic a/o literary examples - in fact I know a girl who invented a historic event and statistics to go with it. She got an 11 on the essay and never knew if the graders realized it was a fictional account.
Anyway if you are going to try the Bob Wherley type of example again do it this way: “Imagine there is a successful business man. Let’s call him Bob Wherley. At work Bob is always…” and go on to make your point. This kind of hypothetical is employed often in philosophy and can be an effective support for an argument. It will work better than the obvious fiction above which kind of comes out of the blue and isn’t very believable or persuasive…</p>