Could someone grade my Blue Book essay? I want your feedback so I can grade my own in the future!

<p>So I would just like to see your feedback so I can use it in the future when grading my own! I don't know if grading back is a thing, but if it is I'll grade any of you back if you want!</p>

<p>The prompt was (from test #3):</p>

<p>Can knowledge be a burden rather than a benefit?</p>

<p>And I wrote:</p>

<p>Throughout history, people have found that sometimes, knowledge only makes their lives more complicated. Though awareness can often be a boon, sometimes people find that ignorance truly is bliss. Thus throughout history and literature, people discover time and again that knowledge can often serve as a burden rather than a benefit. </p>

<p>For instance, in Soviet Russia from about 1918 to the 1980's, people found that knowledge wasn't just harmful, it was downright dangerous. When Joseph Stalin rose to power in 1918, he immediately began purging from society those who he perceived as threats to his power. This included political enemies as well as innocuous but educated people such as scientists and professors. In his Great Purge, Stalin sent almost 7 million people, many of whom were considered well-educated, to forced labor camps called gulags, where they eventually died. Had the targeted members of the intelligencia remained ignorant and uneducated, they most likely would have survived; yet their knowledge ultimately hurt them and led to their demise.</p>

<p>Moreover, an instance of knowledge actually causing harm is found in the classic buldungs roman, The Secret Life of Bees. In this novel, the protagonist has been told that when she was little, she accidentally pulled the trigger on a gun and killed her own mother. The guilt relating to this incident haunts her for years, and eventually, she decides to investigate and see if her father was the killer instead. Yet her efforts are futile, and she realizes that she was the killer. This knowledge does not bring her closure or relief; instead, it causes tremendous guilt that emotionally scars her. This guilt, however, is not justified since she was too young to know better; she would have been better off remaining naive and unaware of the incident. Her knowledge, therefore, serves only as a burden.</p>

<p>Finally, people found that knowledge caused distress during the Age of Anxiety. During the late 19th and early 20th centuries, shattering breakthroughs in science revolutionized the way people saw the world; for instance, Einstein's Theory of Relativity stated that matter wasn't constant, but relative to energy. People found, however, that these revelations only brought them immense feelings of uncertainty and anxiety, as everything they understood about the world was proved to be wrong. This knowledge didn't bring any benefits, as ordinary people could not effectively apply these laws of physics; these new ideas instead just brought widespread feelings of impending doom. </p>

<p>Ergo, examples from literature and history reveal how knowledge may indeed bring more harm than good. Before we inquire, we must therefore ensure we want to know the answer.</p>

<p>Please let me know what you think!</p>

<p>bumpppppp
:)</p>

<p>bump? please?</p>

<p>Personally, I think your essay merits an 11 or 12. The apt and grade level vocab , conciseness & straightforwardness of your intro & conclusion ,& analysis of your examples were the deciding factors of your score. Overall, strong essay. </p>

<p>I agree, very strong essay. I would score this a 10 or 11.</p>

<p>A couple suggestions:</p>

<p>I would recommend beefing up your conclusion a bit. I find that people tend to spend too much time on the body paragraphs, leaving themselves too little time to write their conclusions. These essays do not require a standard five paragraph essay form and I would actually recommend using only two examples instead of three. This gives you more time to fully develop your points. In this case, I think your first point is strong and well written. I like that your second example is a contrast to the first. It is definitely valid, but I don’t think it is as well written as the first. I would cut the third.</p>

<p>Semi colons are great (probably my favorite punctuation mark) but you use them a lot and I would recommend trying to limit yourself.</p>

<p>Overall, well done. You use diverse vocabulary and your last sentence–Before we inquire, we must therefore ensure we want to know the answer–is great.</p>

<p>This is a solid 11. Your last body paragraph is a little weak, so you should just stick with 2. Make sure you beefen up your conclusion too! </p>

<p>@dreamon‌ @bluepaperclip‌ are conclusions really that important? I was under the impression that only a sentence or two would suffice. Should I really sacrifice content to make room for a better conclusion?</p>

<p>but thank you so much for the advice, glad to know I’m on the right track! I think I will stick to just 2 body paragraphs, as I always run out of ideas :)</p>