Please Grade My Second, and Last, Essay

<p>So, I posted an essay here yesterday and got some great comments. I went ahead and did one final essay before test day tomorrow and would appreciate some comments and a grade out of 12.</p>

<p>Prompt: </p>

<p>Essay (done in exactly 25 mins and there are 2 lines left blank on the second page):</p>

<p>Knowledge greatly benefits society and brings about many positive changes in society. It is lucid through several examples from literature such as 1984, historical figures such as Peter Benenson, and major historical events such as the Chernobyl disaster that knowledge helps society change for the better.</p>

<p>In the novel 1984 by George Orwell, knowledge helps Winston fight against an oppressive government. At the beginning of the novel, Winston is like many other citizens in the he is oblivious to the tyrannical nature of the government that rules his country. However, Winston learns of the deceptive nature of his government through his job. He learns that his government rewrites the past and tortures people. This knowledge allows him to "take the path less traveled" and rebel against the government. By doing so, Winston sucessfully (sp:successfully) lays the foundation for overthrow of the government by a later generation of people. Knowledge clearly benefited both Winston and the society in which he lived.</p>

<p>Historical figures such as Peter Benenson also clearly demonstrate how beneficial knowledge is. Benenson read in his local newspaper about the cruel treatment of two college students by the Portugese (sp:Portuguese) government. After learning of this, he wrote a letter to the Editor of his hometown newspaper calling for the immediate release of the college students. In his letter, he called upon other people to also write letters. Soon enough, this turned into a mass movement now known as Amnesty International. Amnesty International sucessfully (sp:successfully) lobbied for and won the release of the college students and thousands of others like them.</p>

<p>Historical events such as the Chernobyl disaster also demonstrate why knowledge benefits society. After the Chernobyl disaster, the Russians tried to cover up the disaster from the world. However, people quickly found out about the disaster. Knowledge of the disaster helped bring about many positive changes. For example, nuclear power plants are often built with a fail safe that ensures another Chernobyl will never happen. Further, the precautions taken while operating nuclear power plants were rehauled. Due to knowledge of the Chernobyl event, nuclear power plants became much safe to use and operate.</p>

<p>It is lucid through examples from literature such as 1984, historical figures such as Peter Benenson, and historical events such as the Chernobyl disaster that knowledge indeed benefits society greatly. As President Ronald Reagan said in a speech at Atlanta, GA, "Knowledge is the key to our future."</p>

<p>what’s the prompt?</p>

<p>My bad. The prompt is: Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general?</p>

<p>might want to be just a bit more original with your conclusion. Word choice of lucid is glaring (while it was the only one i got while skimming your essay, and by skimming I mean the same kind of skimming a grader would, the fact that it’s in thesis and conclusion makes it more prominent).</p>

<p>It wasn’t a bad essay, but you should try to work on your redundancy and word choice a little bit. Read it aloud and you’ll see what I mean- you used the word government six times in your second paragraph and disaster five times in your fourth. Your transitions are also a little rough- …“also”… 8-9/12</p>