<p>Assignment: If people worked less, would they be more creative and active during their free time?</p>
<p>Answer:
Less work would definitely not motivate people to be more active and creative in their free time. Several examples of famous people, movies and current events clearly demonstrate that excessive free time can only make us lazier.
Albert Einsteins life perfectly exemplifies how someone can be productive in his free time while working full time. Einstein would use every spare minute of his daily life, even if that was while getting dressed, in order to work on his projects. He was so passionate and determined to achieve something memorable that he sometimes even forgot to eat. He managed to work full time and achieve all these breakthroughs at the same time, which shows us that his will was really strong.
Similarly to Einstein, Bill Gates achieved many admirable things while being a full time student. Along with studying and researching, he would go sit in the computer room and try to create something with it. All his free time would be used for fulfilling his personal goal; start a company that would make computers useful to everyone. It took a lot of determination and stubbornness for him to reach his target, but he proved that if someone is persistent then he can find the time to do what he wants.
Moreover, students at second-chance schools are a characteristic example of people who made time in order to finish their education. Most of them were forced to drop out of school so that they could make enough money to survive and as a result their jobs require a lot of hard work. Even though they are struggling to keep up with their work, they have the will power to finish their education and make something out of their lives. At the same time, there are other people that dont have jobs and due to their laziness just let their lives pass them by.
After a careful analysis of Einsteins and Bill Gates lives, as well as the hard work of the second-chance students, one can see that working less does not trigger our creativity, while in some cases it can even be detrimental.</p>
<p>Change up your intro and conclusion. A good college application essay should not read like a college application essay.</p>
<p>Stay closer to the question. All you’ve shown is that busy people get things done. You have not shown that people with more free time would fail to get things done.</p>
<p>Most people who work in higher education are politically liberal. They are likely to find this statement offensive and dock you for it: “there are other people that don’t have jobs and due to their laziness just let their lives pass them by.” Even if it weren’t offensive, you make the claim with no supporting evidence, and that’s also grounds for points off.</p>
<p>Your thesis is that “excessive free time can only make us lazier,” yet you don’t prove that Einstein became lazy. You don’t prove that second-chance schools make people lazy. You don’t prove that free time made Bill Gates lazy.</p>
<p>It appears as though you’ve entered the task with the idea that you’re gonna somehow force Einstein and Bill Gates into your essay no matter the prompt.</p>
<p>What I’ve just read amounts to a pair of short biographies.</p>
<p>The second-chance school paragraph has potential but you need to answer the question.</p>
<p>Other issues working against you here, but the way you’ve constructed your argument dwarfs all of them.</p>
<p>Good news—your writing is competent. This alone prevents the essay from falling to a two. However, the lack of insight prevents it from being a four.</p>
<p>Firstly thanks for taking the time to look at my essay. I couldn’t figure out which side to pick so I guess I didn’t make clear which side I took. I was trying to prove that Einstein, Bill Gates and second-chance students have managed to achieve admirable things even though they didn’t have a lot of free time! So I was not trying to prove that they were lazy! I was trying to prove the opposite. Although I now see that my thesis about laziness is should have been different. How should I change my intro and conclusion?! Any other suggestions?!</p>
<p>I made some changes in my essay and that’s what I came up with (are the changes correct?): </p>
<p>Less work would definitely not motivate people to be more active and creative in their free time. Several examples of famous people, movies and current events clearly demonstrate that whoever is persistent and determined to achieve his goal, will find the time to do so. </p>
<p>Albert Einstein’s life perfectly exemplifies how someone can be productive in his free time while working full time. Einstein would use every spare minute of his daily life, even if that was while getting dressed, in order to work on his projects. He was so passionate and determined to achieve something memorable that he sometimes even forgot to eat. He managed to work full time and achieve all these breakthroughs at the same time, which shows us that his will was really strong.</p>
<p>Similarly to Einstein, Bill Gates achieved many admirable things while being a full time student. Along with studying and researching, he would go sit in the computer room and try to create something with it. All his free time would be used for fulfilling his personal goal; start a company that would make computers useful to everyone. It took a lot of determination and stubbornness for him to reach his target, but he proved that if someone is persistent then he can find the time to do what he wants.</p>
<p>Moreover, students at second-chance schools are a characteristic example of people who made time in order to finish their education. Most of them were forced to drop out of school so that they could make enough money to survive and as a result their jobs require a lot of hard work. Even though they are struggling to keep up with their work, they have the will power to finish their education and make something out of their lives. These people prove that extra free time is not a necessity for people who desire to accomplish something.</p>
<p>After a careful analysis of Einstein’s and Bill Gate’s lives, as well as the hard work of the second-chance students, one can see that working less does not trigger our creativity. What is crucial is persistency because as it is well known persistency pays off.</p>
<p>If it’s a college essay, it should be primarily about YOU… Definitely reads like a college essay, and you don’t really prove your hypothesis. There is pretty much nothing about you in the essay, just Einstein and Bill Gates, which I’m sure have been in hundreds of other essays. You should write about how your life, or that of someone close to you, proves your hypothesis. The point of the college essay is for them to find out about what makes you tick, not to read about other people.</p>