Could someone please grade my essay?

Is it dangerous to look up to role models and heroes? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

This is the prompt.

We live in a world where there is a lot of debate in regards to to the veneration of heroes. Should we as a society act as sycophants towards these heroes or should we be wary of the of the discord and the capricious nature these heroes can catalyze? For the better of mankind and civilization, we must be conscious of our deference towards these heroes. Moreover, it is absolutely dangerous to blindly venerate heroes due to the history of Nazi Germany and the tragic events as depicted in the novel “The Iconoclast.”

Post World War I, Germany was in an extremely dire situation. The economy of the nation as a whole was in ruins, and the nation itself was nothing but a war-ravaged quagmire of violence and despair. Suddenly, Adolf Hitler rises out of the shadows and creates the NSDAP in Germany. Moreover, he revolutionizes Germany in a sense. He creates a vast array of jobs for the impoverished and rebuilds both the economy and military of post-war Germany. At that time period, Hitler was seen as more than a hero, more of a tangible deity, if you will. The citizens of the Third Reich viewed him as the “Lord and Savior” and never dared of protesting against the Reich. This blind veneration gave Hitler and his compatriots something of a blank cheque to induce atrocity all throughout Europe. And the result of this sycophantism, was a war in which millions of Europeans died and ethnics groups nearing extinction. This is why we as a society must be cognizant of the “heroes” in our respective societies.

Secondly, the highly respected novel, “The Iconoclast”, depicts the dangers of heroes in a contemporary society. A hero from the Iraq War, known as Lieutenant Reyes, comes back to the United States, after an “honorable” tour of duty. One of his comrades known as Private Skywalker (haha) is completely cognizant of of the duplicity in regards to Lieutenant Reyes and his celebrity. The Private is actually well aware that the Lieutenant is a sadist who ruthless killed an entire village of innocent Iraqis during his service. The story calcifies as the Skywalker becomes more of an Iconoclast in that he tries to expose the truth, while being seen as an attacker of cherished beliefs. The Lieutenant’s infallible fame grants him immunity to the bravery of Skywalker, and ultimately the daring Private finds himself in the formidable abyss of Guantanamo as a result of his integrity.

This shows what a lack of consciousness can do in a complex society like those of our age. It will inevitably lead to the dehumanization and atrocity of society collectively, if we are to continually worship the celebrated “heroes” in our culture.

Thanks. This was the Dec 2015 SAT, and I got a 10 on it. Could you guys give me some tips on how to increase this? BTW, I completely made up the Book Iconoclast on the spot haha

This also filled up the two pages entirely

bump

please please

I would give this essay a generous 9. You used very abstruse vocabulary, which took away from the overall point you tried to convey. Every other word was some sort of SAT word. You also used “cognizant” too much. Some of these words were also not used in the right context. I would highly advise you to stop using too many vocabulary words because I got a 12 on my essay and I didn’t use any “fancy” words. Make sure your essay is simple, powerful, and clearly conveys a point. Your excessive use of vocabulary words takes away from the meaning. That being said, you present a high level of sophistication in your writing and your examples are good. I would advise 3 body paragraphs to lock in a solid 12.

I would give this essay a 3 or 4/6.
I have to agree with happybogostar - there is so, so, so, so much vocabulary just haphazardly tossed all over the place. Simplify your words, and you will make your argument much clearer. That’s the second thing I would say. You veer away from the prompt. Simply answer if it is dangerous to look up to role models or heroes, not explore the morality of human nature. Finally, I would address the counterargument. Your conclusion is very broad and makes some very bold statements, but you have to be aware (and demonstrate that awareness) of the very limited scope of a four- or five-paragraph essay.

what can i say haters gone hate. The sat essay is not meant to judge one’s writing ability. if you write bullshit you can still get a 12 on it. the only thing i agree with is the fact that i needed more analysis and i awkwardly switched from past to present, however the fact remains that sat words get rewarded on the essay section as well as the length of the essay itself. if you write two pages you at least lock in an 8

@kyloren2200 using complex vocabulary does not get you ANY points at all…I took the SAT 32 times got a 12 both times didn’t even use any vocabulary. The graders aren’t looking for vocabulary. They are looking for how strong your examples are and how you tie it back to the thesis

^ 2 times not 32 times

ahhhhhhhhhh aren’t u so special

u can’t deny the sat is a very exploitable test tho