<p>Looking back at it, there are some errors, some spots sound awkward, and i did not use an advanced vocabulary but still, did this essay deserve an 8? I'm just looking for constructive criticism as well. Keep in mind this was my first SAT, i was nervous and such. And for some reason my writing even though its cursive looks A LOT neater in person. It looks so sloppy now over the computer. If you guys can't read it, just ask me to re type</p>
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<p>I cant read ur writing, sorry! If u want, u can type it, and ill see if i can have a look at it.</p>
<p>Typed:</p>
<p>Heroes, those people that we admire for their great courage and achievements always existed in the past. But do they exist anymore? Beyond a doubt, heroes exist in our modern world and they exist in various areas. Through personal examples and observations we can conclude that heroes do indeed still exist. </p>
<p>For example, ever since I was a little kid at the age of eight I have looked up to Derek Jeter, shortstop of the New York Yankees. Many people called Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Mickey Mantle, and Roger Maris heroes. All of those past Yankees were looked upon as remarkable people. The people you admired and always wanted to meet. Similarly, I look up to Derek Jeter this way. He has influenced me throughout his effort on the baseball (messed up there… should say baseball field), his contributions to the Turn 2 Foundation (a charity he founded), and his book that he recently wrote. For this reason I look up to Derek Jeter as a modern hero.</p>
<p>In addition, do we not call our soldiers that return home from war heroes? Is the soldier that put his life on the line for others not a hero? Obviously the answer to this is a no. Every soldier that provides the ultimate sacrifice for his country should be considered a hero. Whether or not if they get killed or come back alive they sacrificed their own life for mine. For that reason they will always be a hero in my heart. </p>
<p>Lastly are our parents not heroes? Ever since we were born they have sacrificed everything to provide me with a better life. They have taken me to baseball practice, school, have assisted in homework, and most importantly have always been there for me. For example, last year I received a horrible grade on an exam that compromised my grade for the year. I felt severely depressed but my parents got me through it. They taught me another important life lesson, that in the face of adversity we have to rise higher and higher to the challenge. As a result I finished in the class with an A-. For all the times my parents have been there for me, I consider them a true modern hero. </p>
<p>As you can see, heroes clearly exist in the modern world just as they had in the past. Through my examples of professional sports stars, soldiers that sacrifice their lives for ours, and that of my parents it can be concluded without a doubt that heroes exist in the modern world. Hopefully, one day I can follow in my parents footsteps and become a hero as well, just as they and so many others continue to be.</p>
<p>Honestly, you’re lucky you got an 8. Go read the guide on here about how to write a successful essay. You ask questions at the start of three of your five paragraphs, which leads me to assume you are not quite sure of the answer you are giving. Your intro is verbose, use two sentences. So is your conclusion. </p>
<p>Also, your reasoning is a little flawed. Parents heroes? Really? You gave them a larger paragraph than soldiers, and the soldiers paragraph was very cliche and had no examples. You never answered the question “what is a hero” or defined a hero. I think that would have helped.</p>
<p>I’m probably being harsh, sorry! Just trying to help. I only got a 10, so take my advice with a grain of salt.</p>
<p>U have good ideas, but ur not writing it well. I understand the parent as heroes thing, but that is more your personal opinion (i assume). U should try to take a more straight forward approach, saying soldiers are heroes. Also, u need to define “hero” Depending on ur definition, u can continue developing ur ideas. If u had said in ur deinftion, something along the lines of “people who bring u up in life are heroes” then it would make sense to say parents are heroes in ur third paragraph. Also, NEVER POSE A QUESTION IN A ESSAY! Never! Thats what my English teacher says. Cause it sounds as if u are unsure of ur statement. </p>
<p>Hope i helped! </p>
<p>P.S good connection real life and personal examples.</p>
<p>P.P.S Don’t use too many cliches. Don’t make ur into and conclsuion too long.</p>
<p>Ummm no offense but in the first sentence I defined what a hero was. And honestly go take a look at the blue book and their supplied essays. people that got a 6 were borderline illiterate.</p>
<p>(that was directed at the first person )</p>
<p>Thank you nerd123, but don’t you think some of the questions helped in the essay. Specifically in the soldiers paragraph I was “attacking” anybody who would not term them as heroes.</p>
<p>Sure “NeedsHelp1212” i get u were attacking, or in other words, debunking the opposition, but u might have wanted to try a more specific approach. For example, u could have taken a real life example and u could have used that to prove ur point. But other than ur solider paragraph, I really, really like ur essay! Great job!</p>
<p>That isnt a definition. That’s the connotation of a hero. Define what YOU believe a hero is. Also, there should be a - or : after heroes, not a comma. Then delete “those”</p>
<p>so jason, nerd, and others what would you give my essay from 0-12</p>
<p>Right now my confidence is really down for the essay on the march SAT. I felt that topic was SO EASY, while looking at others I don’t know what i would even use an examples. That’s what scares me the most; getting an essay and not knowing any examples to use. Getting an 8 on an essay that i felt real comfortable with means what on an essay i don’t feel comfortable with?</p>
<p>i actually would give this a 9. not 10 because it doesnt fill up the 2 pages.</p>
<p>make your writing bigger.</p>
<p>Try looking at the thread “Write a 12 essay in 10 days,” which should help.</p>
<p>This is the link to the How to write an essay
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html</a></p>
<p>I think that by presenting so many statements as questions “Lastly, aren’t our parents heroes?” that is what weakened your essay which really was well covered with good examples. The questions appear as a passive voice rather than stating your observations in a stronger way. </p>
<p>Your second paragraph also starts weak by stating “for example”, you don’t need that type of transitional phrase there. Start the paragraph as something like "Many people, including myself, look up to sports figures such as Derek Jeters…</p>
<p>In the template, academic hacker says never to use “I”. It weakens your thesis. Try rewriting your essay after reading his guide. Good luck in March.</p>
<p>thanks gensis! </p>
<p>Lakemom: great advice! My 2nd paragraph sounds so much better with that sentence rather than the one I used</p>
<p>Was the prompt, “Do heroes still exist?”?</p>
<p>I’d give it a 7 or 8.</p>
<p>-definition of hero is flimsy at best
-use I/my/our in every paragraph…
-examples are “okay” and not very developed
-transitions are “meh”
-what’s w/ all the questions marks?</p>
<p>avid student:</p>
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<li>ok your right about the definition thing</li>
<li>I used i/my/our mainly because 2/3 of my examples were personal</li>
<li><p>how are examples OK and not developed? What else should I have done to develop them? I mentioned a specific organization Derek jeter is a part of in my first example, the 3rd paragraph is sort of cliche, but in the 4th paragraph i included an example within the example. So expand on this point.</p></li>
<li><p>How can my transitions improve?</p></li>
<li><p>True, i asked way too many questions looking back at it now</p></li>
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<p>On a first skim, I noticed these things that would pull down your score: Hard to read (i.e. size of handwriting, not sloppiness), Doesn’t fill 2 pages, Looks short (since you write small), lack of big words, and kinda short paragraphs.</p>
<p>Reading more into it: </p>
<p>-Derek Jeter was the best of the 3 examples. The other 2 examples (parents and soldiers) aren’t as focused as Jeter. Jeter is one particular hero while soldiers and parents are groups of people that number in the millions.</p>
<p>-Your examples weren’t solidly tied into the thesis at all.</p>
<p>-The questions throughout the essay really annoyed the crap out of me. The only passable use of questions was the second sentence of the essay. The rest (especially the questions to start off the 3rd and 4th paragraphs) were just annoying beyond belief.</p>
<p>-The essay was a solid 4. Definitely better than a 3, but definitely not good enough for a 5. An 8 was the perfect score for this essay.</p>
<p>Tips:</p>
<p>-Read AcademicHacker’s guide</p>
<p>-WRITE BIGGER! When I look at my essay, it looks long because I wrote bigger. Your essay looks like there are holes in the middle, which is not the idea you want to convey.</p>
<p>-Force feed a connection between your thesis and your examples. Use your definition of a hero when you tie your example to your thesis. You wrote that “Heroes, those people that we admire for their great courage and achievements.” So, when you talk about Derek Jeter, mention that he’s admired for his achievements. Write that soldiers are admired for their great courage.</p>
<p>-Use bigger words throughout the essay. A good word that would have fit well with your thesis is ubiquitous, since you assert that heroes still exist. Take it a step further and say that heroes are ubiquitous in today’s world. Words like those (i.e. words in Direct Hits Volumes 1 and 2) will boost your score tremendously if used correctly in context.</p>
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<p>(1) Stray away from personal examples. Whenever I wrote a personal example I made up a cousin or friend. All three of your examples were personal. Derek Jeter was your hero. Veterans/soliders “For that reason they will always be a hero in my heart.” Your parents were your heroes.</p>
<p>Derek Jeter - best paragraph, but should have mentioned how many people look up to him, not just yourself.</p>
<p>Veterans - “Whether or not if they get killed or come back alive they sacrificed their own life for mine”. Yes, all soldiers sacrificed their life for YOU. I recommend reorganizing this paragraph with some facts to impress the reader.</p>
<p>Parents - it’s fine, but one could argue that’s just parents being parents. make sure you define what a hero is… “Modern heroes are people who sacrifice their ambitions and dreams for the benefit of another person.” - works for parents/soldiers/kinda for Derek Jeter</p>
<p>(3) - Practice!</p>
<p>All right thanks for the advice, soon i will be doing practice essays in preparation for March so hopefully I can continue to improve</p>
