Could you please score my essay? Will score back!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hi, I would be very glad if someone could score my essay and help me spot my weak areas! I will be happy to give my best to score back if you want! Thanks in advance!</p>

<p>Assignment: Do we need other people in order to understand ourselves?</p>

<p>Other people are eminently important to our understanding of ourselves. Unless there are others in our lives, we cannot completely fathom our personalities, wishes, and desires. Several examples from history and business illustrate that other people can form our personal understanding of us.</p>

<p>As demonstrated by Rosa Parks, the people in our surrounding help us grasp our own personalities and desires. Rosa, arguably the most influential person connected with fighting racial inequality in the USA, lived in a society in which African-Americans were oppressed and, moreover, they were afraid to speak up against white authorities. As a consequence, Parks understood that she is a rebel and cannot conform any longer. When one day she was told to give up her bus seat for a white man, she refused and, as a result, started a boycott which led to racial equality. Therefore, had it not been for the other people around her, she would not have fathomed her rebelious nature and, in addition, would not have stood against the entire white American population.</p>

<p>Another lucid example of how others help us understand ourselves is undeniably Chris Gardner. Gardner lived an impoverished life and could not provide comfort for both his wife and child. As a consequence, they left him and, furthermore, he had to sleep on the streets. However, when one day he talked to a man with a red Ferrari, a stocks broker, he got obsessed with the idea to succeed; he realized, because of that broker, that he is capable to achieve a lot. Consequently, Chris started studying and trading stocks until he became proficient and his wealth started to accumulate incessantly. Thus, because of the broker he met, Chris understood that he has the potential of greatness and, in the long term, his life changed.</p>

<p>As shown by Jack Welch, others can lead to our self-understanding. Welch, an ex-CEO of General Electric, had to endure the futile managing of the company while he was still an engineer there. He observed all the executives there who failed and, consequently, he learned that he can achieve more with his methods. As a result, since Jack Welch became the CEO of GE, he propelled the company to become the most valuable in the world. Hence, because of the other people’s failures, Welch understood his own unfettered abilities and became one of the most influential business leaders.</p>

<p>After a careful analysis of Rosa Parks, Chris Gardner, and Jack Welch, one can see that other people in life can indeed be vitally important to us understanding ourselves. Had it not been for others, a majority of historical and business figures would not have achieved their success. Our community is such that others help us realize our own strengths, weaknesses, and inner desires.</p>

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<p>What I’m about to type applies to at least 75% of every essay I read, so don’t personalize these comments too much.</p>

<p>—There’s lots of information but not a lot of insight.</p>

<p>—Most of what you say about these people could be said about millions of other people:</p>

<p>she is a rebel </p>

<p>cannot conform any longer</p>

<p>obsessed with the idea to succeed</p>

<p>capable to achieve a lot</p>

<p>understood that he has the potential of greatness</p>

<p>learned that he can achieve more with his methods</p>

<p>propelled the company to become the most valuable in the world</p>

<p>understood his own unfettered abilities</p>

<p>Also, for whatever reason, you restate the prompt several times:</p>

<p>other people can form our personal understanding of us</p>

<p>others in our lives, we cannot completely fathom our personalities</p>

<p>the people in our surrounding help us grasp our own personalities and desires</p>

<p>Another lucid example of how others help us understand ourselves</p>

<p>others can lead to our self-understanding</p>

<p>other people in life can indeed be vitally important to us understanding ourselves</p>

<p>There are also some pretty questionable word choices:</p>

<p>illustrate You’re trying to say “show” without saying “show.”</p>

<p>fathom Personalities aren’t fathomed. You’re trying to say “understand” without saying “understand.”</p>

<p>grasp You’re trying to say “understand” without saying “understand.”</p>

<p>fathomed Here, I think you mean to say “discovered.”</p>

<p>proficient You probably mean “successful.”</p>

<p>futile Managing isn’t futile. You probably mean “ineffective management” instead of “futile managing.”</p>

<p>** unfettered** You’ve used the wrong verb here. You meant something else. I think you just mean that he learned that he had the ability to change his circumstances.</p>

<p>Because the readers don’t have the half hour necessary to read each paper and deconstruct it in the way I just did, this one would probably receive a four. Whether it deserves a four or a three instead is the subject of a different discussion.</p>

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<p>Thank you a lot jkjeremy!</p>

<p>I follow a certain template that states the body paragraphs should consist of a paraphrased thesis (sentence 1), plug-in of mainly information about the example, and connection to the thesis (had it not been for… last 1-2 sentences). According to that template I do it right but as I can see from your comments, my essay is far from a, say, 10.</p>

<p>Could you please recommend ways in which I can improve? How to be insightful and not just present plain information?</p>

<p>And, is the four a score you would give as one grader (4x2=8), or is it as two graders?</p>

<p>Thanks again.</p>

4

<p>I follow a certain template that states the body paragraphs should consist of a paraphrased thesis (sentence 1), plug-in of mainly information about the example</p>

<p>For the reasons I outlined above, writing is NEVER a matter of “plugging in.” I doubt that Rembrandt would ever use Legos.</p>

<p>I don’t know where you found this model (hopefully not here), but please forget that you ever saw it.</p>

<p>as I can see from your comments, my essay is far from a, say, 10.</p>

<p>It doesn’t have to be that far from a ten. First, though, you must forget the notion that there’s an easy or fast way to learn how to write well.</p>

<p>Could you please recommend ways in which I can improve? How to be insightful and not just present plain information?</p>

<p>What you’re asking is similar to, “How do I become a better baseball player?” You just hit the ball harder, run faster, and catch better.</p>

<p>It’s simple enough, but if it were easy, then millions of Americans would be playing in the major leagues.</p>

<p>The best response I’ll offer here would be as follows:</p>

<p>—Answer the question sincerely, earnestly, and thoroughly.
—Don’t look for shortcuts. NONE of them work.
—Choose the right word rather than the big one.
—Don’t try to impress the reader.
—Avoid the temptation to force the wrong examples into your work.
—If you have the choice between memorizing examples and learning how to write, always spend the time on writing.
—Ideas always come first and count most. Don’t cloud your message by using fancy sentence structures you haven’t mastered.</p>

<p>And, is the four a score you would give as one grader (4x2=8), or is it as two graders?</p>

<p>I meant for one grader. This paper would probably receive anywhere from six to eight.</p>

<p>** Thanks again.**</p>

<p>You’re very welcome. Again, please understand that at least 75% of all SAT essays share a handful of common problems, so none of what I’ve written here is addressed only to you.</p>