This post is going to sound crazy, because it is. This said, thank you for listening, and for any input you are willing to share.
My entire life, I have aspired to a career in music. Senior year of high school, I auditioned for conservatories and got into some—but I did not have a plan myself for how I would pay for my bachelor’s degree, and did not discuss this with my parents before decision time. My parents told me, very reasonably (!), that we could not afford for me to go to any of the conservatories where I was accepted even after scholarships and aid, so I should go to the public in-state university where I had applied as a safety. Freshman year, I went to the public university, and had a great experience. My teacher there was in fact a former principal player of one of the best orchestras in the world, and the music department offered me not only nearly a full ride but also the opportunity to perform whatever concerti I learned with the university orchestra (which is fairly good for an amateur ensemble). Perhaps I just had a glowing experience because I enjoyed being the best player there, the top of the heap; perhaps it was so enlivening just because it was freshman year. Time shall say.
Nonetheless, it was still my dream to go to a conservatory, and in fact I thought I would be hopeless to have any employment in music other than maybe teaching K-12 public school if didn’t go to one of the best conservatories in the US. So freshman year, I repeated the application-audition process, and yet again got into a very good conservatory with a teacher I respect highly. My parents decided on the basis of a few factors (concern about how my earning a BA in Music Performance at the public university, which doesn’t offer BMs, would affect not only employment opportunities but the general ed/liberal arts courseload I would have to take; having sold a rental house that we managed) to help me pay to go to the conservatory where I currently study. Since then, I have spent one year at the conservatory. Overall it was a positive experience—I love my teacher, have enjoyed the high level of chamber music and orchestral playing.
This said, I experienced regular transfer student difficulties. Public university is in a different town from where I grew up in my home state; conservatory is 2000 miles across the US. I missed my teacher at public university terribly—since I was one of his only serious students, he would give me lessons for free 2 or 3 times a week if I needed extra help, and has kept in touch with me since I left. He still regularly invites me back to perform not only in orchestral and chamber music concerts when I am home for breaks, but as a soloist too. All these things are to be expected. Leaving is not easy, but it’s part of life.
Furthermore, the level of stress I experienced at the conservatory was a bit of an issue. Some of it was regular work/academic stress: of course, you all know that making it as a musician is never easy. However, I also had to lie awake in bed every night knowing that I am guilty of inflicting $50,000 loans on my parents every single year I go to conservatory. My parents, who are married, are still divided on the issue of whether or not I should go to the conservatory. Now I realize how selfish I have been to put my dreams and wants so far ahead of any practicality or even comfort of everyone else in my family. A private school education, much less in art, is an insane luxury for the 1% of all humans.
(Admittedly, the wealth and privilege of the other students at the conservatory/affiliated academic institution really bothers me sometimes. It seems that not only do the other students not understand that not everyone can just buy plane tickets or spend $400 on clothes whenever they like, but also the institution is set up so that it’s basically impossible to save money on housing, food, etc. anything within their program. $50k, the yearly cost of my tuition plus housing and dining (on-campus is mandatory for all undergrads under the age of 23), is my mom’s entire salary before taxes. It’s 1/3 of my parents’ total take-home pay.)
This summer, I have made the mistake of letting my mom see that most of my emotional ties and friendships are really at the first school I attended. I took a summer class there to get some cheap transfer credits, had lessons with my former teacher, and played chamber music with my friends there. She says that if I had such a good experience there, then I should transfer back (!) to my old school from the conservatory because it’s not worth $100,000 for me to go to a school that I like only marginally better, especially when my old teacher is an excellent pedagogue in his own right. She also said that although it might be inconvenient, I shouldn’t worry so much about the professional repercussions of leaving conservatory, because my goal is to be a university professor anyway so I’m planning on getting both an MM and a DMA, and my bachelor’s won’t matter so much then. I see her point, and in some ways kind of agree with her.
However, it is terrifying to think of actually having to go through with this. I don’t want to give up the benefits of studying at the conservatory that weren’t there at a big public university: the professional standard for students’ playing, the excellence of my peers, the competitive orchestra program. What if without the constant reinforcement of excellent students, I don’t improve or develop as good of ensemble skills at my old school?
Worst of all is having to tell my conservatory professor that, after transferring to his conservatory, I’m transferring back to my old school. He already knows about this dilemma because several months ago, my mom sent him emails without asking my permission first, causing a bit of a blowup. He thinks the idea is insane. The conservatory teacher is famous, extremely well-connected, his studio has a reputation for feeding into MM viola studios at Yale NEC Juilliard Northwestern etc. It seems like career suicide.
There are a few motivations for possibly returning to my old school that I haven’t addressed—but if at all, I was thinking of going back not to that same university but to another school locally for my master’s, as I’ll be a junior this year and that’s not far off. Should I tell my mom that I’m staying in conservatory? Or should I save myself and family a good $100,000, finish my bachelor’s with a teacher who has transformed my playing, be close to family, and get to play the major concerto repertoire for my instrument with local semi-pro and part-time orchestras?
