Critique My First College Essay???

<p>My Electrifying Experience:</p>

<p>"Bob, I do not think building an electronic circuit is a practical idea," my mother opined in regard to my potential sixth grade science fair project.</p>

<p>This comment left me with a bitter feeling that forced me into action. I desired to prove her and any other skeptics to be incorrect, as I perceived an opportunity to be able to exceed expectations. I also regarded these circumstances as containing a chance for me to utilize my passion for applying concepts I learned in science.</p>

<p>I had only two months to accomplish a unique feat. While a substantial amount of my peers were building volcanoes and games for the science fair, I endeavored to tackle an extensive task of my own volition. With a wide variety of procedures, I determined I would toil for a sizeable amount of my free time, attempting to immerse myself in all of the information I could find on circuitry and electrical engineering.</p>

<p>After considerable deliberation, I came to a decision that I would use a plastic clothespin as a bulb holder, copper wires as a conductor, and a paper clip as a switch to allow for the current's passage. I reproduced and unified all of the notes that I initially scribbled on several pieces of paper. I was not only aspiring to succeed at the science fair, but I was also attempting to quench a thirst of mine for furthering my knowledge of engineering systems.</p>

<p>When the day of the science fair arrived, I felt composed, yet assertive, about communicating the purpose of my project. I yearned for parents and teachers to be able to experience the same admiration that I held for my own undertaking. I was not daunted by giving presentations or answering questions asked by others because of the passion behind my efforts.</p>

<p>Initially, I was infuriated by the fact that I did not become a finalist. According to the results, I was average. This devastated me for an ample amount of time, as I was reconsidering my interests in engineering and the sciences. My mother's reaction swiftly rebuilt my primary curiosity in this field, as she conveyed her admiration for my intensity. Soon enough, my perspective shifted completely, as I became cognizant of the fact that it was a blessing in disguise for me to not achieve first place honors. Not becoming a finalist gave me even more hunger to prosper in the future, as I was induced to observing others' successes. I experienced avidness about my long-term potential as an engineer and willed to advance forward.</p>

<p>Starting from the fundamental idea of assembling an electronic circuit, I gained the capacity to deduce my true ambitions. This became the model from which I could add information for other projects, like building an electronic circuit for a calculator after a few years. A goal above others that I strive to achieve is to put forth effort into every accomplishment I make. Like the starting point of building my project, everything is initially established as elementary, despite having the potential of becoming a gargantuan long-term achievement.</p>

<p>I now plan to engineer my future at Cornell University next year.</p>

<p>Bump bump bump please!</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Remove this essay as soon as possible from the Internet. Think about what could happen. Basically, you could be a target for a plagarist or accused of being one. You’re better off PM’ing it to people.</p></li>
<li><p>"…Attempting to quench a thirst of mine for furthering my knowledge…" - This statement sounds quirky, but maybe it’s just me.</p></li>
<li><p>Nice vocabulary! However I could only offer those opinions since I’m no college scholar. But it was an okay essay until the last paragraph – actually, the last sentence – which I thought made it a great essay!</p></li>
</ol>

<p>I’m no CC expert, so take my word with like… a pound of salt.</p>