Please grade my Essay

Test Preparation
1

<p>so im doing the essays out of the blue book and dont exactly know where my essays stand in terms of how the collegeboard grades 2-12, can you guys please grade this one.
Any help is appreciated.
Thanks</p>

<p>Assignment: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame or power? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience or observations.</p>

<p>Essay:
Just how powerful is our conscience as a motivator? Is it more powerful than money, fame or power? I believe it is, the conscience is the most powerful influence on anybody who walks this earth. This essay will elaborate my point of view through two examples from modern world history.
Shortly after the attacks September 11th, the United States government initiated operation Enduring Freedom, also known as the war on terror. The government knew that the war would cost the nation a lot of money and more importantly the lives of many young men and women. Driven by their conscience however, the people responsible for taking the decision knew that these sacrifices must be made in order to kill Osama Binladen and save the nation from other potential attacks.
A more recent example derived from the Arab Spring, the movement which liberated five countries and counting from their dictators. Mohamed Buazizi set himself to flames sacrificing his own life for a cause he believed in during a political demonstration. His heroic and selfless act led the clouds of freedom to rain over tunisia and severak other countries.
To wrap everything up, money and fame are strong motivators. The real changes however, the ones we will always remember are driven by conscience. When money or fame or even power are ever greater motivators to a certain person than his or her conscience, the only explanation is that he or she has a weak conscience.</p>

2

<p>I’m in a rush but just a quick note… don’t like the “This essay will elaborate…” line. Maybe it is ok, but for me it’s just unnecessary. I like to format my intro paragraph on the SAT like this: </p>

<p>Hook
Thesis statement based on question
Quote the quotation
List my three examples with small explanation</p>

3

<p>Hey, i would give this a 7/12.
Particularly b/c of your intro, it was very robotic and doesn’t flow…^^^that first par format isn’t too good. Especially :“This essay will elaborate my point of view through two examples from modern world history.” your not writing a research paper, they know what your doing. Just take a stance and try to keep them reading by saying something provocative.</p>

<p>You had good examples but they weren’t tied together, you just listed them and gave them a summary.
Keep your audience in mind (your the 153th essay he or she is reading)</p>

4

<p>i would give it an 8, u have unique examples. however, your intro and conclusion are very…um “childish”. try to fix them to sound a little more sophticated and i am pretty sure you would break a ten, maybe even an 11/ 12. can u help me, how do you come up with such examples, do you read a lot, or how do you generate your examples. thanks</p>

5

<p>thanks, but how exactly do i fix them?</p>

6

<p>and Dream4Life, i think u can almost always relate the essay topics on the sat to history particularly military conflicts and dictatorships. even if u don’t really know exactly what went on, the reader doesn’t have time to check. i read a bit cuz I’m involved in mun :)</p>