<p>You're right, from their websites, at least three of those schools have only need-based aid. (Amherst is a little cagier about what their "scholarships" are for. I remember what a big shock it was to me when D's HS gc gave the financial aid and admissions reality check to us parents at the start of 11th grade. </p>
<p>I don't guess there's any way you could put the bug in the gc's ear to have a talk with the son and/or his mom? It might take some of the emotion out of the situation and allow the mom to hear the things she doesn't want to, a little easier, if there's a neutral party involved. Maybe the school could have a meeting for all the NMFs to help them make sure they make the most of their opportunity. Or if your school has a PTA, they could have a guest speaker about financial aid and scholarships. </p>
<p>I have a similiar problem with my sister. She will not accept that my niece's Social Security and trust fund from her father's death are going to keep her from getting much need-based aid, at least for the first two years of college. I'd like to see her aiming for merit aid for my niece, so she can keep her trust fund money for grad school (it won't pay for both). We have a few years yet before it becomes critical, but it does worry me, because once my sister makes up her mind about something, there is very little that can change it.</p>
<p>One possibility is to direct your friend to CC and point out some particularly useful threads (such as the ones listing admissions outcomes that have info on both admits and rejects). Andison's story is always a good wake-up call.
I don't think Amherst will use its scholarship money for an applicant like your friend's son. So the family is looking at all four need-based schools. Suggest that she use the CB calculator to calculate how much aid her son might qualify for. This should lead them to reconsider their list.</p>
<p>Since it seems as though she is talking with you about it, you could tell her that you just came upon the rather shocking news that colleges define "demonstrated need" on their terms, not yours. And that you know of calculators that will allow her to see how some colleges will define her family's need and that you've heard that different schools looking at the same family come up with different definitions of need and different ways of filling that need. That could be an opening to pointing her to the EFC calculators and/or to all that CC has to offer re reality checks.</p>
<p>Can you ask the son whether he wouldn't like to have an alternative to in-state U if the first four don't pan out?</p>
<p>jmmom, Good advice. Also, Bethie there are some people who have a good income, but think that their debt will allow for good financial aid packages. They don't realize that their home remodeling, debt caused by private school tuition for years, credit card debt, large mortgage that is stretching the budget, is not going to be financed by the private college. Many people seem to think that this type of debt is taken into account.</p>
<p>My d's group of friends were high achievers and very competitive. During their junior year when the AP courses were starting to get really tough, all talk of grades ceased. They studied together and helped each other, but never asked each other's grades. This carried over into senior year to the college search and application process. One boy in her group even insisted until the bitter end he was going to UT Austin Plan II...and in late spring, the kids finally found out he had been accepted early at Harvard. No one even knew he applied! And it affected my d's decision about where to apply. She would have nothing to do with Duke because it was her closest friend's first choice. She didn't want the drama if one of them had gotten in and not the other.</p>
<p>I think they do these things to protect their friendships which are all important at this age.</p>
<p>That "not applying at Duke because it's her best friend's first choice" thing is causing a lot of stress at my house right now. My S doesn't want to apply to some schools that (a) he would like and (b) he would have a good chance at, because he doesn't want to be in direct competition with lots of classmates. This is driving my wife up the wall (and, honestly, would be driving me up the wall too if I weren't basically optimistic that he will have enough decent choices anyway). Of course it's cute that they are being protective of their friendships, but realistically very few of these friendships will be "live" two years from now anyway.</p>
<p>I've had this with several of my kids and it meant to me that they were looking for more of our, the parents, input . They needed a little more catalist into a direction to go. Worked out fine in the end.</p>
<p>JHS - The Duke thing at our house just killed me. As it turns out, they took three of the kids from our high school...including my d's friend. She was a great candidate, not NMF... but commended, lots of awards, high rank. The others.... not nearly as qualified. So there was a good chance my d would have been accepted. Que Sera...she's happy at UNC-CH which was her oos first choice. And friendships are intact. :-)</p>
<p>I attended a private "college prep" type school. It was in the original baby boom of course, not this "echo boom" which has become even that much more competitive. But even then getting into a selective college was by no means automatic. It was a very small school, so everyone knew what everyone else was doing whether or not this was desired.</p>
<p>I clearly remember that during my senior year things got very testy within the senior class. People believed that a particular college would only acccept up to a certain number of people from our small school and no more. There were many of instances of "why is such and such applying to this school, which is his 4th choice at best, if they take him they aren't going to take me".</p>
<p>There was a lot of status and hurt feelings connected with college admissions. Internally we had been in classes together and receiving differing grades for years, without giving it a second thought. But this time the outcome of these efforts was being judged by independent third parties, and an admission was a reflection of our judged relative worth. So it seemed, at the time.</p>
<p>My first child decided to graduate from high school early, for various reasons. Also from a fancy private school, where an inordinate number of kids apply to the same group of colleges. She definitely missed out on some positive senior year experiences. But I'm not sorry she missed the whole college admissions drama played out among her long-time classmates and friends.</p>
<p>I am much more forthcomming in talking about schools with HS Juniors, because they are not my competition bracket and because they won't be annoyed/impressed by my (unrealistic) college list. It is always easier to talk about schools of the same caliber (but different schools) with friends. Basically the rule is that if you talk about school, you have to say you won't get in unless you and the person you are talking to would both be easily able to get in. Also, you can talk about schools with acquaintances because they are not good friends and you don't mind competing against one another.</p>
<p>Talking about college applications also functions as a sort of way of bragging (when you talk about applying to big name schools). It is more acceptable to mention lesser known ones, because otherwise you are implying that you are smart enough to have a shot at Yale.</p>
<p>"All warfare is based on deception.
Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near.
Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him"</p>