<p>Well then perhaps they should drug test everyone at a random time?</p>
<p>BA Dad.....
I have dealt with substance abuse issues with two family members, a mom and a brother. I share the following in an attempt to help you understand what you MIGHT be faced with......not saying you are.... just to ensure you know that we share your concerns....and empathize with the path you are on.</p>
<p>My mother started drinking again (21 yrs of sobriety, active in AA, sponsored many people) the XMAS after my father dropped dead of a heart attack. She too was deceased within 3 yrs......she was 53..... we could not make her stop..... we could not give her a reason to live... the compelling force of addiction was too much..... the classic line in AA is that one drink is too many and a thousand is not enough..... and drinking again after 21 yrs of sobriety, it was as though she had never stopped. She felt she could not live after he died....I choose to think of it now as a passive suicide. A few years later we faced a different addiction with a brother.....years of heartache.... lots of bad choices....and some good ones.... he is now sober, employed, married and a father. Similiar situation.....who knows what the sum total of his life will be.... I love/loved them both and am grateful for their love. I wish their lives were easier.... but they might have been harder in a different respect. </p>
<p>I am convinced there is a true physical chemical imbalance in folks who suffer any sort of dependency... the urge, the need for the substance, overwhelms all judgement... and so in this instance, at this point in time, what I have learned is to accept that this has happened for a reason. That perhaps this will truly get her attention and she will realize that she can and will work on modifying her behavior to stay on top of those urges. To alter her choices of friends, places to go, activities that put her in jeopardy. </p>
<p>I personally think that just because this pass at graduation or college may not happen doesn't mean that a different, future pass won't happen. History is full of folks traveling a different road than the intended road....</p>
<p>The ONLY thing in our life we can control is our attitude. I commend you for seeking a place to express your angst, your distress, your caring for your daughter. There are soooo many wonderful parents here on CC that provide a cushion for infinitely trying situations. </p>
<p>You are currently devastated by recent events, decisions etc.....one of my favorite Al-Anon expressions is "Let go and let God"..... I don't know if you have any faith....but I do know that many, many people survive these disappointments and find wonderful new strengths along this different path. Do not harsh yourself for wanting the best for your child.... believe there is a new best for your daughter.... be open to a new perspective, a different vantage point.... the new view might be even better..... best wishes ....</p>
<p>BA Dad, God bless you and your family.
This experience is horrific -- there's no question about that. But as I read this, I think of one of my husband's employees. Two years ago, his 18-year-old was experimenting with drugs...and one morning, he didn't wake up.
Hug your daughter. She's learned a tough lesson, but she's here. Let's all be grateful for that. She's loved. She's smart. She's got you. She'll be okay.
Hugs to you.</p>
<p>B.A.Dad, I hope if (heaven forbid) my H and I are ever confronted with a similar situation that we handle it as well as you seem to be.</p>
<p>My D made a decision last year that I found out about inadvertently, it was something that will affect her personally for years but did not affect her academic record or public record. I speak from experience when I say that the trust issue may be a problem between you for years to come. It's been over a year here, and every time I tell D I'm going to call the house she's going to visit to be sure the parents are home, she says, "I'm a good kid why don't you trust me?" I don't want to beat one decision into the ground, but I have very good reasons not to trust her. Yes she is a good kid, but the operative word is KID. She's still impulsive. I think I read in one of your earlier posts that you were considering family counseling - I think that is an excellent idea. I ended up sending D to a counselor who also met with H & I, and it helped us all to communicate better.</p>
<p>I was at lunch with a hire last year from Brown and we asked her if she knew of students using ADD medication to improve their study performance. She said that she knew of some students that used it and that it allowed them to stay awake for up to 48 hours.</p>
<p>I don't recall any stories of permanent damage from this sort of thing.</p>
<p>I think that most people (myself included) just use coffee or Mountain Dew.</p>
<p>I asked her if it was addictive and she didn't think that it was.</p>
<p>OP- Are you past deadline for requesting deferred admission at the college that accepted her? If not, you still have that option open as an unspecified medical need; and you'll be working by then with a medical person to help everyone decide and write a letter to that effect.</p>
<p>If the deferred admision date has passed, then perhaps the college will recognize, even better than the private school, that random testing (which they don't do) coupled with widespread abuse during exam week (which is a campus issue akin to caffeine-guzzling) might be acceptable even so, as long as she is working upon the issues this summer. </p>
<p>Honestly if all this was was a student who gulped down her roommate's prescription in late-stage exam weeks, and then had the awful bad probability
of being randomly tested then, she is no better or worse off than any student walking onto a campus next September. Maybe she's even better off, knowing
how cruel the fates can be when you break a rule. </p>
<p>When you get home, begin counsel, and let her reflect...she might be able to write to the college in a way that preserves her spot and her scholarship.</p>
<p>If you discover deeper problems and want to keep her home a year, fine, then this was a blessed wake-up call that could save her life.</p>
<p>If all this is is outrageous bad fortune/randomness, she could learn from it about a KNOWN campus problem (see related thread on Parents) and do better than other naiive freshmen not to borrow any more.</p>
<p>There's such a wide range of dumbness/experimentation/frequency/dependency and you haven't really had time yet to know where she is on that wide spectrum of late-teen activity. Missing all the festivities of June is worth it to find that out, so you just got a gift of a month to do what's more important than attending parties.
Once you all understand that, with the help of time and counsel, I think you'll know better what she should be doing next year. As you drive this week, you have "insufficient data to process" as R2D2 used to say. You were wise to put a process into place as summer begins to understand better what's going on with her. It could be much, or not much.</p>
<p>Thank you for being so open. I hope everyone's caring has been a consolation to you. You handle thinigs admirably, and she's also learning from watching you this week. ("They watch what we do, not listen to what we say.")</p>
<p>I would be more likely to trust a medical professional than a "hire" from Brown as it relates to consequences of ADD medication abuse.</p>
<p>Interesting article on this very subject:</p>
<p>Defective</a> Drug Information - College Adderall Abuse and its Dangers</p>
<p>From the link Nrdsb4 posted:
"I think there has become an attitude that medications like Adderall and methylphenidate (Ritalin and Concerta) really aren't dangerous," says Dr. Carol Milam of the Vanderbilt University Student Health Center. This is a huge misconception that can result in serious side effects or drug addition. Adderall can cause side effects such as dry mouth, stomach problems, loss of appetite, and sleep difficulties. People who have heart problems, anxiety, high blood pressure, or history of drug abuse should not take these medications. More severe risks may be posed when taking these drugs without a prescription.</p>
<p>Health Canada, the Canadian version of the FDA, pulled Adderall off the market earlier this year after 20 Adderall users died unexpectedly. After further investigation, the government agency allowed the drug's return to the market, but with added warnings. ...</p>
<p>Students say that while caffeine may help keep you awake, these prescription stimulants actually seem to boost concentration. However, scientists and researchers have not found this to be true. One study conducted at the University of Michigan's Substance Abuse Research Center found that people who use these medications generally have a lower grade point average than those who do not abuse these prescription drugs. These prescription poppers also had higher rates of alcohol, cigarette, cocaine, ecstasy, and other substance abuse. While many students believe Adderall and Ritalin are magical pills to academic achievement, these drugs are dangerous and potentially useless for their objective."</p>
<p>BADad, I have been following both of your threads with nothing really to add given all of the wise, informed and supportive posts by others.</p>
<p>But with your last update, I just have to ring in to say what a wise and loving father you are. Your child is lucky to have you. I wish you all the best and hope and pray that this is something you look back on as a painful and wrenching experience which nevertheless led to better things.</p>
<p>I feel sure that if your parental love and skills have anything to do with it, that the end result will be a much better place for you and yours.</p>
<p>Shalom.</p>
<p>The OP had specific questions that he posed on this thread. The signal to noise ratio on this thread has gone way down because there are so many posts here that are completely off-topic. All the drug posts -- who abuses what, where, how, addiction rates, and so on -- are off-topic.</p>
<p>The OP will now have to wade through them, and a lot of other posts that are unseemly in their speculation, to get to the on-topic posts.</p>
<p>Perhaps those of you who want to provide online drug counseling and drug use information could start a thread devoted to such? Seems to be a popular topic; this doesn't seem, IMHO, the thread to riff on the subject.</p>
<p>Owlice- there is a lot of relevant information. If you read ALL of the OP's posts, and not just the first one, you will see that he has concerns about whether his daughter is chemically dependent. That led to more discussion as to whether he behavior demonstrates a drug problem or just very poor decision making. Same with the issue of whether to keep her home instead of sending her to college- both as a consequence and as a precaution. These were topics raised and have been debated.</p>
<p>It will probably make me very unpopular, but I have to say that I wonder whether--if she does indeed stay home for a year-- it is a good idea for on her to go to CC or the local 4-year public. From a local perspective, those are the schools favored by stoners, slackers, and various other marginal students at the local high schools. They are also the common destination of students who flunk out or are forced to withdraw from colleges elsewhere. (And none of the kids I've known who did so ended up finishing college.) Yes, there are some good kids there for various reasons, and a number of serious non-traditional students, but if you think that a kid is in danger of thinking that "everybody" does drugs as a matter of course, it may not be the best environment to disabuse her of the notion.</p>
<p>A job might be a better idea, although the population of kids who go to work rather than school after 12th grade is pretty similar, in my experience. (Yes, I do know some exceptions, but those are kids who are taking a gap year rather than just drifting into a job.)</p>
<p>I think you can find students who use drugs and students who don't use drugs at every type of college, and at every achievement level -- especially if the drugs we're talking about are the modern-day equivalent of the "bennies" that were ubiquitous in my parents' college dorms.</p>
<p>I don't generally roam out of the cafe so just saw this discussion today. To the op- I feel some of your pain and offer a shoulder.</p>
<p>I had a child get expelled from college after a drinking offense. The child and school told me it was a first time. It meant the loss of coursework (expulsion occured two weeks before end of semester), tuition, winter term etc. Kid came home and planned on hanging out in bed room until break when everyone came home so no one would find out what happened. I said no way that when one screws up one admits the mistake, holds their head up, takes their lumps, learns a lesson, and then rebuilds. Fortunately my kid rose to the challenge, is back in school, and doing well. I made my kid attend an alcohol awarness class and attend an AA meeting with a friend who has been in recovery for years. I don't know the extent of your child's drug use but there is good help out there.</p>
<p>Next kid is supposed to graduate from HS in a couple of weeks but decided back in Jan that school was a waste of time and consequently the grade in a required course is not high enough to graduate. I have nagged about homework, meeting with couselor and doing what needs to be done to get the grade up. Kid is sitting around not apparently worrying about the situation and tells me to get off their back. SO I have gotten off the back and now feel that if they miss graduation and all the surrounding fun events it will be a big lesson that they need to learn now before leaving for college. I am also worried about the generous merit scholarship. I feel very sad over potentially missing the ceremony for them and for me.</p>
<p>Another kid has had some stuggles and I came to the help too many times and now the kid is not in college and is years behind their peers so I know what the consequences can be of "saving" them rather than allowing consequences.</p>
<p>It is so hard to miss graduation and I am sorry for your loss. I wish you the best. I agree with Northstarmom that making her accountable for her mistake is the way to go. It is hard in the short term but better in the long term.</p>
<p>Bay Area Dad. I keep noticing when your name is shortened on this thread, it makes you a
BADad. </p>
<p>You aren't. </p>
<p>Have a good day.</p>
<p>BAdad, your post 218 is so very insightful. Wow. You are dealing with this better than most of us would. God Bless and hang in there. Yes, your D is now beginning to realize the full impact of her decisions, and taking ownership of what she has gotten into. Yup, let her own it, and let her write the letters, make the calls to school etc. Take it one day at a time, get the best compromise you can get from the school, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I also agree with others that, while the timing is terrible, the timing actually may have been way better now than in 3-6 mos.</p>
<p>Haven't read the whole thread yet, BAdad- just sending well wishes and support at this tough time. Hang in there.</p>
<p>I have read through most of this thread and Baydad, I feel so sorry for what your D and your family has to go through. Honestly, after shelling out all of this money for a private school, I would be so so angry. Yes, your D made a mistake, but this is not something that many teens don't do. I know you will try to figure out whether this was a couple of time thing, or much more serious. I too, would give you the "Dad of the Year" award.</p>
<p>At our public hs there has not been any random drug testing that I am aware of. I do think that the kids involved in sports do sign on for random drug testing (never heard of our hs actually doing random testing to date). The police have reported situations to the hs where their students were caught with illegal drugs while out of school. I know this because a parent whose child was involved with one of these situations told me about it. I can tell you that public school did nothing more to this student than to say, "[insert name], we are surprised that you were involved in this". The student (age 17) did lose his license to drive for some period of time, and the family had to hire a lawyer. It was a punishment, but did not effect anything regarding college and future prospects. We had 2 students who were caught with illegal substances at school. Those students received suspensions, and some drug counseling was required. Whether the incidents will be on transcripts, I am not sure, but they are juniors, so I guess explaining their mistakes and how they have learned from it, will work for them.</p>
<p>"I would not characterize it at this point as "doing drugs". The girl had taken a prescription medication that wasn't hers and tested positive." Of course she may not be "doing drugs" however PRESCRIPTION MEDICATIONS are this generation's new source for substance abuse</p>
<p>^^ That is correct. But some kids take this stuff occasionally to study or for a big test- such as the SAT (by the way). It is NOT smart and is substance abuse, but I still would not use the term "doing drugs". And this generation does not see anything wrong with it. The warnings against it don't make any more of an impression than "don't use tanning beds because it can cause skin cancer."</p>