<p>BAdad,
Sounds like you've got a good plan and good insights to address a challenging situation. I wish you and your family well.</p>
<p>Another little ray of hope here. Today, prior to reading this thread, I asked a GC what impact a consumption charge would have on a transcript or GC report. He said "very little", and that colleges are actually much more concerned about cheating, stealing or matters involving dishonesty. It strikes me that your approach has been so straightforward. If your daughter has half your strength and willingness to confront this problem and then communicate with her future college admissions office, she will be received favorably. Sadly, access to drugs and alcohol is a common problem among teenagers. The GC says college administrators know the difference between someone who "makes a mistake" which they work quickly to correct, and those who have serious character flaws. </p>
<p>My heart goes out to you and your daughter.</p>
<p>My prayer is that some day you will look back on this as a positive turning point in the life of your daughter and in her relationship to you and her mother as parents. And we all have dreams for our children (and for our grandchildren) so don't feel guilty about the sadness you feel about having your dreams disrupted.</p>
<p>BayAreaDad, </p>
<p>My heart goes out to you and your family. I admire your strength and I think you are on the right track. I would not be surprised if her scholarship is left intact or is eventually replaced with another one at another school sometime in the future. Her grades and SAT scores will still attract a lot of schools even some time in the future. </p>
<p>I think, though, that your steps now-- the steps which you are so wisely taking-- are critical in teaching your daughter how to deal with adversity. You are teaching her an important lesson in guiding her to take responsibility for her actions and get some real insight so that she doesn't take those steps again. Your dreams for her were perhaps built on a foundation that won't be as strong as the dreams that will come once this is behind her. She will be a stronger young woman then. </p>
<p>Your family is in my prayers.</p>
<p>BAdad, Perhaps your D could contact the college she commited to on May 1, explain what happened, throw herself at their mercy and ask to be deferred for 1 year to work through these issues. Who knows, they might say yes. It's worth a try. A similar situation happened to 2 seniors at my sons' Private HS a few years back. Both boys were arrested for helping some younger students create false ID's. They were arrested, but admitted they made a huge error in judgement, were expelled 1 month before graduation, not allowed to graduate but were given another chance at the colleges where they were accepted. They did 1 year of community service and matriculated 1 year after their classmates.</p>
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<p>Been reflecting on how much of the pain is for loss of my own dreams for her. Graduation, a sure thing with college, and most poignantly, a summer of anticipation, looking forward to moving forth into the world. All of that is either gone or seriously in question.</p>
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<p>I went through something similar with our son - a genetic problem where
his health and survival were at stake - he wound up missing 12-18 months
of schooling. It totally disrupted my plans and we didn't know at the time
if he would ever attend college. And it was a long and hard road to
recovery and we're pretty glad to have him back and functioning.</p>
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<p>And I can't help but reflect on how much of OUR dreams for HER college/scholarship etc are just that - OURs, not hers. This is a really hard lesson in clarifying what's ours and what's hers. A lesson in detachment, if you will.</p>
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<p>Parents can give up their dreams but it is very, very hard. It may be
that she wanted what she was going for too. Just as badly as you
do. I see many of the students here that show enthusiasm and drive
to succeed in college and it sounds like your daughter was putting in
her dues to get there.</p>
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<p>We (ok, I) worked very hard to help focus on which colleges to look at, and find the ones that best fit. She took the list and visited, and made her final choices, but she was mostly heads down with a hard school, ECs, etc. I was perhaps overinvested, and I knew it at the time. Paying a price for that now, but perhaps that's as it should be. The takeway is that she will own a lot more of the process going forward, simply because she'll need to prove at least to us if not to herself that she's really invested in where she's going.</p>
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<p>It sounds like there are two involved parents providing guidance and a
daughter that worked very hard towards their shared goals and for the
most part succeeding. It takes a lot of effort and character to raise
a child, especially today. It sounds like you have the resources, drive
and desire to solve the problems ahead. You have a problem to deal
with now but it wouldn't be a bad thing to remember all of the good
things about your daughter.</p>
<p>BAdad your d is so blessed to have you as her dad. Hang in there and keep us updated. I think it is critical for you to find out why your d was using these drugs. You need to find the root cause of the issue. Hugs to you all.</p>
<p>I think meloparkmom's advice might work. In these cases, I've read that the above method might be the most effective.</p>
<p>Good luck with your daughter! Hopefully, everything works out!</p>
<p>I was going to suggest a deferral as well. It would give her a chance to work on her issues. She could take some courses at the local college and work to earn some money, so the year off would not be wasted.
Does the college require a high school diploma? Some don't. It could make a difference.</p>
<p>What a truly harrowing day you all went through, with so many different emotions, and more to come as you absorb and sort it out. But you faced it together as a family, and you are moving toward that difficult place for all of us parents...where we realize that we are absolutely essential as leaders for our children but also that they are pushing off and must learn to deal with their own vulnerabilities and powers in the wide world on their own. I send you cyber support. You must be rung-out spiritually and emotionally...but you are standing with your daughter and essential. You don't have to have the answers and epiphanies today. They will come with time. Get some rest and have faith in yourselves...and try to hold strong to high regard for your daughter, for yourself...for her high school. This will lead to the right entry to college and her next chapter in life.</p>
<p>Aw gee, BADad, what a kick in the teeth! What kind of hardnosed high school has ZERO tolerance for teenage misjudgment? I hope you channel your anger where it's deserved -- at the callous administration. </p>
<p>The next six months are not going to be what you and she imagined, but that isn't to say that they won't be rewarding in another way.</p>
<p>I think it's really important not to go underground. Get in touch with the kids, the parents, the teachers. My guess is that you will find supporters if you reach out to them. In spite of the draconian response from the school, your daughter is not a criminal, not a miscreant, not a social outlier. She made a mistake, yes, but she still needs her friends.</p>
<p>Maybe have that get together that you planned after all. Not as a celebration, but as a solidarity event. Don't allow her to slink off without saying good bye. Don't allow her to be overwhelmed by guilt. Don't allow yourself to feel that you, in some vague way, let her down. </p>
<p>In my opinion, the school failed her and her family. She is not a hardened criminal. Experimentation is to be expected among bright kids. The punishment is way, way out of proportion to the crime. Keep that in the forefront and don't buy the "she brought destruction on herself" nonsense. She made a mistake. Period. She's still a wonderful kid. </p>
<p>Many colleges are willing to overlook youthful error and take a chance on kids who stumble. I certainly hope that her college is one of those. If not, there will be another. A gap year can be infinitely positive, even if it wasn't on the original agenda. Believe that the outcome is going to be good.</p>
<p>Come back and tell us how it goes. Your family's story has touched a sensitve spot for all of us with less than perfect kids.</p>
<p>Listen to Momrath, she makes some great points.</p>
<p>Those of us who have watched our 'less than perfect' kids stumble know how agonizing this is for you. </p>
<p>Hope tomorrow is a better day.</p>
<p>I've been reading through this thread the past few days, and was hoping I'd sign on this morning to find an update from BADad. Glad he updated everyone!</p>
<p>Echoing so many here, BADad, my heart goes out to you. I'm especially impressed with the self-realizations you shared with us in your latest post. </p>
<p>I do have some concerns, though...</p>
<p>Am I mistaken in reading that the d is away at a private college prep boarding school that is a great distance from home? If so, then what kind of retaliation could there be if she were to inform school administrators of other students' behavior? </p>
<p>Also, if she's been away, she has been living on her own (not as independent as being away at college, surely, but still more independent than high schoolers who go to local schools). She has shown that she needs closer supervision for a while (and probably for more than just this coming summer; seems unrealistic that all will be solved in a few months' time).</p>
<p>I also think that the transcript should reflect what happened. Think about it -- colleges require midyear transcripts to find out if the acceptee has been slacking off. There is also a question about disciplinary procedures in the Common App (perhaps individual college apps as well). If the school wants updated academic information, then why wouldn't they also want updated disciplinary info? Or do people think that colleges really don't care what the student does once they get midyear information? </p>
<p>I think that if the student comes clean to the college, that is the best course of action. Don't try to hide it. If she was under such stress in high school, think how many more opportunities there will be for dangerous behavior and how much more stress there could be at college! BADad isn't insisting on it, so that's good, but I really think that going away to college next year would be a bad move on this girl's part.</p>
<p>"I hope you channel your anger where it's deserved -- at the callous administration."</p>
<p>While my heart goes out to BayDad, this suggestion strikes me as not helpful. The current difficulties that he and D face are a consequence of her misconduct. Although the price that they paid MAY have been disproportionate, that is not uncommon in life. The important thing is that a) D learns from her mistake and b) that they figure out the best way to move forward from here. With respect to a), anger at the administration is counterproductive and with respect to b), such anger is a distraction. I'm not saying that anger is not natural or even perhaps appropriate; what I am saying is that BayDad needs to do his best to put it behind him.</p>
<p>Bayareadad, you get a nomination for dad of the year from me. It's dealing with these sorts of things with kids that can try you. You can fight to the finish when they are right and innocent, but when they are the wrongdoers, you just don't know what to do. It tears us apart. I know it . I live it.</p>
<p>I am hoping the college is still in the future for her. In our son's case, his scholarships and college possibilities still held. I know other kids who had much, much worse transgressions than your D and did not lose their spots at some highly selective schools. The deeds were reported to the said colleges also. That is pretty much the way all of these independent schools operate. They absolutely will not jeopardize their relationships with the admissions offices of colleges, and will tell all. Mostly though, they do encourage and assist the students in writing the explanation of what happened, and I have yet to see someone totally lose a spot. A year of sitting out for the worst transgressions is what I have seen with insistence on evidence of counseling and/or community service. Those things I am sure you are going to be addressing this summer in any case. So I am hopeful that the shock of her loss in the senior festivities, the fear of the loss of the spot in college and a summer of counseling will be the extent of her penalities. Most of all, I am hopeful that she is not too deeply into cd and that this reality check of the severity of penalties that exist if you are caught is a wakeup call. I was on a thread about pot here on cc recently, and I could not believe the people there who actually felt the risks were low. For those of us who have limited openings and opportunities, the risks are very, very high and the penalities very severe. I am also glad that you did not have to address the legal system with her issues, as we did, as that is a painful gauntlet with expensive consequences, time consuming and nerve racking. Kids, until they actually see what happens don't seem to get that this is what happens if they are caught. And what could happen is worse if you don't fight it. </p>
<p>Take care, and if you are not posting here about this again, please pm me and let me know how it worked out with the college. I am optimistic about it.</p>
<p>I agree that the ramifications from the school for poor choices the last week of high school are not weighted very high at the college level (barring being arrested). It's also great that she wants to figure out WHY she makes bad choices- and it is possible that it's not some deep seeded issue. Sadly it's the culture. They made such a big deal of the 100 kids busted in SD, but I dare say that if you go to any high school (including if not especially private day schools) that if you tried (not very hard) you could come up with 100 substance arrests. My kids have each other and have managed to avoid the peer influences but there are great kids at our school, with loving parents who don't make great choices. I do agree though that the school was pretty callous to do it the last week of school and I personally don't think anything at our "day" school is random. We have this issue every year the last week of school- where kids actually come to school wasted. You'd think that they would learn from the year before but I guess between the hormones, the excitement and the I AM THE WORLD mindset of seniors they make some crazy choices. I hope you all can look back at this and not focus on the pain but look at the great growing opportunites that resulted.</p>
<p>BayAreaDad- you have been in my thoughts and prayers. It sounds as if you and your wife have handled this awful situation with your daughter with courage and grace. Many of these posters do not understand the way that elite independent schools operate, but Cptofthehouse has given you the best insights and advice. There is not such thing as "out lawyering" these schools- they have seen it all before. I agree that the worst possible outcome will be that the college will make your daughter defer for a year, and that is probably not such a bad thing in this situation.</p>
<p>To you and your wife: my thoughts are with you as you face this grim situation. When we face bleak days, the way we cope shows our true character. You are an example to all parents who struggle with children who make poor and incomprehensible decisions. I have shared your story with my teen-age daugthers as a cautionary tale of dire consequences for poor decisions.</p>
<p>You sound like a wise, caring and forgiving father. My heart goes out to your family. I am praying for you all.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Perhaps this prestigious college with its scholarship (and attendant pressure to continue to succeed) isn't the right place for her.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I'd ask my daughter if she would be concerned about succeeding at this school without the use of stimulants, given that her high school record might have been achieved while using them.</p>
<p>Regarding the school's actions, I suppose they had no choice. But if I were a parent of an at-home HS student and caught them using stimulants, I'd tell them 'no more' and institute a random testing program. I wouldn't kick them out of HS, deny them graduation privileges, etc. It does seem harsh.</p>
<p>^^ This is a private school, not a public one. Most college prep private schools have no-tolerance approach toward substance abuse and cheating designed to preserve their reputation for both academics and learning environment. Parents and students are told this upon enrollment and are usually reminded of this at the beginning of every year. Seniors, especially, get repeat reminders at the "dangerous" times of the year.</p>