My biggest concern here is people - I don’t care if you are the parents, grandparents, neighbor, second cousin or church friend or whatever - holding back on liking/enjoying/spoiling/welcoming ANYONE that has a relationship with someone you know and love! Be brave enough to love and enjoy - even if you have to let go sometime!
Embrace the people you enjoy having in your home!
@abasket I agree. When I posted that I wouldn’t accept a new bf I had just heard the news and was upset. It’s not in my personality to hold back. It’s better to have loved and lost and all that crap, right? 
I so agree with you abasket…our home is a welcoming one and it is hard to not get attached to the special people in our children’s lives. Whether it be friends or boy/girl friends .
I am a very emotional person and I tend to get close to those who love my girls ( not all , but most ) There have been a few that I am warm to , but don’t like .
The joke in our home is that my girl’s former boyfriends like me better than them ( oddly , most of them keep in touch )
I chalk up the latest to the boy being 18, immature and unsure of himself as he transitions to college life.
It is hard for her because they were pretty much inseparable and best friends too. I suspect he will be around again , although I don’t want to encourage that .
@abasket - It isn’t really about me -I am sure I would get over it. I want her to be able to break up without feeling like she is letting down the family. I want her decisions to be based on the relationship between the two of them not about the relationship between all of us. I am welcoming -but not involved. This is her deal -not mine and and will get attached when she gets engaged.
I am not afraid
Absolutely she/he should make the decision of whether to stay in a relationship based on their own needs/wants and not the rest of the family! But when a person enters a relationship you have no idea if that relationship is going to last a week, a year or a decade (or more). So I am just saying proceed naturally - as you would developing any other relationship of those around you - and if you enjoy someone’s company, then…enjoy it!
I realize we all do things differently. I think my kids would be concerned or doubt themselves and their relationship choice if they thought the majority of the rest of the family did not bond somewhat with their partner. We would in no way guide the relationship, we would just enjoy it!
nothing hurts like a broken heart
Just a little update. I saw my daughter yesterday and she is doing great. Relieved, even, that it’s over and she doesn’t have to worry about walking on eggshells. Yet, she says she still loves him - but that’s not the point anymore. It just hasn’t been working. So - that’s good. I was relieved to see her smiling face and know that she is truly ok. The boy, on the other hand - maybe not so on board with this. So I worry about him - but he’s not my kid. So I keep trying to tell myself “not my circus, not my monkeys”, but that mom voice in me worries about him doing something stupid. I have to let go of the fact that for the last 3 years I was a second mother figure to him (he has a fantastic mother himself) and let go of any influence I had.
I’m also finding it a bit harder to not worry about my daughter in other ways. There was a comfort in knowing that because she had a boyfriend she would not be putting herself in bad situations at college with drinking and big parties etc…It’s not really her style anyway - but since she has been ‘tied down’ the last 3 years, I do worry that she is going to ‘live a little’ more than this mom would like. But again - I know I have to let go of that too and trust that I’ve raised a smart daughter. Which, by all accounts, I have.
Ugh…I’m not even asking a question here. Just venting I guess. I am not good at this letting go crap. She went to college and I went from being an every day participant in her life to being waaaaay far in the backseat and the radio is so loud i’m not even sure she hears me. I’m going to keep talking anyway.
Thanks for giving me a place to vent.
I feel ya. One reason I wanted ds2 and his gf to break up before college was because I thought it would keep him form getting immersed at his college. I really thought they’d spend Friday nights on Skype, but I misjudged their independence and, really, assumed they’d be too much like me and my bf at that age. They both threw themselves into all kinds of activities but without having to worry about a dating scene. It was nice.
Then, when they broke up last year, I was like, uh oh, be careful what you ask for. He began dating a girl who was in his friend group who I knew wasn’t right for him. He asked, and I told him that the only thing I worried about concerning their relationship was how he would extricate himself from it when it was over. And, yep, it ended up being a big drag on him emotionally and ending it was a big, drawn out thing. Oh, well. Live and learn.
This reminds me of something I have read from somewhere: There may be some people, especially after they have reached a certain age, who believe that the one whom he/she dearly loves may not necessarily be a good candidate for marriage. That is, just the love is not enough, as far as the marriage is concertned.
In this sense, there may be some merit for a person to evaluate a potential dating candidate early enough in order to have a rough idea about whether he or she is an acceptable candidate for marriage. If he/she does not want his/her parents’ input, he/she could get inputs from his/her close friends whom he/she trusts.
A coworker once told me a story: A father advised his daughter (who likely have a lot of suitors otherwise she may not have so many opportunities) that she does not date the same guy more than 3 months initially, and after 3 months at most, she should cool down and does not go deeper into the relationship. It is only after she has dated more potential dating candidates that she would know which one may be better for her. In other word, do not take the first one who comes her way.
I always told my girls about their BFs, “I like him as much as you like him.” My older daughter used to wonder what I meant by that and she was upset a few times that I didn’t gush over her BF. I am always on my kid’s side if she should break up with a boy, whether she is right or wrong. It means no communication with her ex or invitation to the house without her permission.
I read this article a while about how not to say the wrong thing when someone is in crisis,“It’s the ‘Ring Theory’ of kvetching. The first rule is comfort in, dump out.”:
http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407
In this case, OP’s D is in the center ring, not OP or her friends.
@oldfort That was the best article. Really helpful. Thank you. I will use that over and over.
I try very hard to “dump out” and while I think I may have failed at that the first few days of this crisis (trying really too hard to offer help because it’s what I wanted and what made me feel better rather than what she needed), I think I’ve done a better job at that the last few days.
I deleted the string of text between him and me and his mother and me so that they wouldn’t be staring me in the face every time I opened my texts. I also took the many pictures I had of him with the family and with her over the last 3 years and “hid” them in our photo album software so that I don’t see them when I add or edit photos. They aren’t deleted. He was a part of our lives and no one is trying to erase him. But they don’t need to be right there on my computer. That project created a little sadness, but better me than my daughter seeing all of the pictures of better days when she goes into the photo software (she’s a creative type…always editing photos).
All steps in letting go for our whole family. Everyone loved him. But it is INFINITELY comforting that my daughter is doing so well. She is my priority here…the center of the circle, if you will. I feel proud and blessed that I raised such a strong young woman who knows her mind and can see the forest through the trees. Sometimes I wonder where she got that from!
@oldfort, It is a good article.
We would say to DS that we are happy as long as he’s happy about his relationship. We do not say we gush over his GF either. More along the line: If you two are happy with each other, we are happy for you two. That is, we cherish their relationship, not the person he is dating. In a sense, this could be selfish in that we mainly want something good for our own son. (But we also fully understand her parents also want the best for her.)
I could sometimes be the one who may say something that I should not say. For example, I once asked DS: Do you think your GF’s parents are on your good side? Try to be as respectful to them as possible and remember that they want someone who is good to their D; they do not need someone to be their “friend.” (I actually get a reply that he thought her parents likely prefer someone who they could communicate with. But I do not add any other comments or give any further unsolicited advices.)
The above comment may still be fine. But I could have make a mistake by making another kind of comment at another time: Do you think you might have some challenge just because she was brought up in a somewhat different SES environment than yours?
My wife actually said the same thing in the past, but she said so before they became BF/GF and she stopped saying so once they got into relationship. But, I said so after they had been together for some time. I think I have made a mistake here (just because of my own anxiety over this matter.) Even though we always say that we will never be unsupportive of their relationship, we should avoid this kind of sensitive topic - she could interpret what we meant to say differently.
I have been contemplating the advice and reactions from my youngest’s sisters , all of whom have different reactions and experiences with their own relationships.
Oldest sister is very emotional, loving, nurturing protecter has the most compassion and understanding for both parties , but clearly on the side of her baby sister.
Sister two, always has had the upper hand in relationships has advised her to not sell herself short and move on with dignity,
Sister three ( husband’s daughter , not mine ) was raised by a bitter man hater wanted to string the boy up by his you know whats at the first sign of trouble…not one to easily move on without a major grudge.
I feel so bad because she is struggling with her natural tendency to help people when they are struggling and also trusting someone enough to open up and let them be a big presence in her life …not so easy to do to only have them let her down .
My daughter was in a similar situation to yours. Dating same boy for a couple of years through high school and at the beginning of their last summer together I saw that it was not going to last. They seemed to stay together so that they would have a fun last summer. He goes off to school a few weeks before her and becomes distant and she’s a bit confused. Drop her off at school for her freshman year and he breaks up with her within a day or two and she has a bad roommate situation. So a bad start to a new beginning. To make things worse she finds out the girl that he dates in place of her is also a freshman at her school who she ends up having in a couple of classes.
He too was like a member of our family and was extremely likable. I think I may have hurt more than my daughter in the end because I was so used to him being a part of our family. He was a great HS boyfriend and I knew it wasn’t meant to be but that didn’t diminish the pain of not having him around anymore.
High school boyfriend is dating someone else now and every so often sends my daughter a text trying to get together for drinks. She thinks that he’s trying to relive his happier high school years by trying to get back together with her 4 years later. When she rebuffs him he says it never hurts to try. Unfortunately her current boyfriend makes me miss her high school boyfriend again:( It’s easy to not become emotionally invested in this guy as I don’t think he is the one for her and would be glad to hear any news of a breakup. I was hoping he would end up out of state for his job but his job is only an hour away from her so they see each other weekly. She talks about moving out of state and I’m all for it if it would put an end to her relationship. She won’t move until she puts in a couple of years at her current job so I’m not holding my breath.
Another update: Just as I’d deleted all of the texts between me and my D’s ex boyfriend, I get a text from him late last night. Really actually very nice. Just wanted some “closure” with our family and wanted to express that he hopes he can maybe still see us over winter break as my boys were like brothers to him. I told him as long as it’s ok with my D, then that would be fine.
He was clear that he and my D are probably not going to be friends, at least not for a while. We texted back and forth for a while. He wanted to assure me that he’s handling things ok (he knows me!) and that he’s not doing anything stupid. This was very painful for all involved, but he wanted me to know that he doesn’t think it’s my D’s fault and that he’s not angry with her. But that he can’t be around her. I completely understood and I appreciated him letting me know how he was doing. This is a kid that was really fully ingrained in our lives for several years. Extricating him from that is difficult. But it makes it so much easier to know that on both sides of things, they feel they made the right decision… I think we often discount how difficult it is for these kids when they break up and they were a part of the family. They not only lose their bf/gf, but they can lose an entire family and support system as well.
I promised him we were not angry with him and that we wished him the very best. It was good closure to have. I don’t expect to be talking to him all that much. But I did tell him that if he needs another adult other than his parents, he’d always have somewhere to turn. (I am heavily involved in suicide prevention - for me, telling someone they always have a place to turn is important…and he has struggled with terrible anxiety - something I have helped him deal with over the years). He told me he’s always thought of me as a “bonus mom” and he has no brothers so my boys were brothers to him. He is/was having a difficult time with that loss as well as the loss of my D.
Sigh…It was a difficult conversation at times, but it was closure and after 3 years of loving him like a son, it was closure I appreciated. I don’t think he will be texting me often. He knows that there is distance needed now, but he also knows that we aren’t mad so occasional contact is ok.
My D? Well, she’s doing amazing. I didn’t tell the ex bf that really. Why make things harder for him? But I spoke with her yesterday and she said she feels better than she has in months. Lighter, happier…not weighed down by stress and heartache over the relationship. I can tell this was the absolute right thing to do. I did tell her today that the ex had texted me and she was glad to hear he was ok.
I’m hoping things die down now. I am sure in a few years I will be back probably NOT liking the boy my daughter is dating. It seems things are either too much or not enough. Whatever the case, I will not get attached in the same way to the next boy. I told my daughter that I’m relieved she’s in college and so there is no reason I will need to have the cell number of the next boy she dates. She said I won’t get it…and then I said - “well…you know…maybe just for emergencies!” LOL…We have moved on to arguing about some imaginary boy’s phone number in some imaginary future. I think everything is going to be ok.
Re: “he wanted me to know that he doesn’t think it’s my D’s fault and that he’s not angry with her.”
Is this the same as saying: “It is not you. It is me”?!
OP - I often find out if my kids are seeing someone new by looking at our cell phone bill, so I never had to ask them for their new BF’s number. I am pretty good at sleuthing.
Haha…I used to commit the same “crime.” (To be sure, I mostly looked at the number of text messages. The young generation seems to rely on text messages more than actual phone calls.)
When D2 is talking to her new BF for over 15+ min each time then I knew it was VERY serious, and he was the one who was calling her.
I am really surprised my daughter has expressed any interest in another guy. I think it is her way of distracting herself from her broken heart. She was home over the weekend and got a little weepy on several occasions…even her favorite lemonade made her think of the boy….I have a box of various things that he left here at our house. It needs to find a new home because it’s in my way. I have thought about contacting his mother about dropping it off, but I don’t want to have any conversation about their breakup. I have no idea what if anything he told his parents.
Maybe I will just throw the box in the garage and ask one of their mutual friends to give it to him over Thanksgiving